Shown below is your submission to NYC.gov on Fri Jun 22 15:50:28 2001
To : Joel Miele Commissioner-DEPT OF ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION
Topic : Charles Sturken's Ridiculous Comments to the Press about the Caiman in the Pond
Name : Christine xxxxxxx
Email address : firstname.lastname@example.org
Comments : Dear Commissioner Miele, I would like someone to clarify to me whether or not Mr. Sturken was kidding when he commented that he'd rather see the caiman placed in your city's sewer system than taken to a more native climate in florida.
Please tell me he's joking. I mean, where would you rather live... in the flotsam and jetsam of the sewer system, where sure, the water is replenished on a regular basis but it's full of human waste, and the temp doesn't drop below 57 degrees, or, in a reptilian society with your peers sunning yourself on swamppy rocks and eating fresh foodchain victims.
If he thinks it'd be "cute" or "clever" or "appropriate" or "kitchy new york urban legend in action" he's an idiot. I recommend mr. sturken spend a few days living in the sewer. i'm sure the whole experience will make him long for florida. have a super day, and kick him in the butt a few times to get some logic flowing to his braincells.
The above referenced email content is something I fired along to the New York Department of Environmental Protection. Seems there was a large reptile in a part of a pond in Central Park, and a man who wrangles gators came all the way up from Florida the other day because he heard about it and volunteered to catch the critter to take it back to more reptile-friendly climes in his native state.
Turns out it was a 2 foot long caiman, kinda like a gator, and this guy caught it with his bare hands. He's a 15-minute celeb in NY right now... and he is probably having the time of his life. Good for him.
The thing that chaps my britches about this event though is the comments by the Chief of Staff of the NYDEP, Charles Sturken, who in two seperate interviews in the past 3 days has commented that the critter belongs in the sewer system once it is wrangled from the pond. Initially I was dumbstruck at his idiotic comments. The sewer system. Uh, isn't it full of like shit and, well, shit?
Mr. Stucken is quite proud of the sewer system in New York. The water is replenished frequently, there's plenty for the critter to eat (rats and stuff) and the temperature never drops below 57 degrees, so it would of course be the most wonderful and perfect place for a reptile to wile away his days! And I am sure would be cute and kitchy for NY, as it is the city that loves its demons, fables and legends.
Now, I'm not an animal activist. I'm not all "save the whales, don't eat meat, meat is murder... yadda yadda yadda." If it were up to me, I'd'a shot it. I mean, shit. That stupid thing could run out of the pond and bite someone! Who wants to be responsible for THAT! But thanks to the kindness of the Southern Man with the fast hands and not too bright brain, the caiman is captured and won't take one in the hat from me. That's better. But I cannot believe someone would actively advocate with a straight face (sans tounge implanted firmly in cheek) that the stupid misdirected homeless critter belongs floating with the intermingled shit of celebs and paupers.
So I took the opportunity to email the commissioner. Damn it, I want answers. That guy should lose his job.
And by the way, how the hell did it GET there anyway... That's what i REALLY want to know.
I'd rant further on this... calling Mr. Stucken more names and questioning his intelligence quotient, but I think I should leave it at this. I got over being shocked, got over laughing my ass off until I almost pee'd. Now I'm just shaking my head saying "only in New York, baby. Only in New York."
In other news, Doug and Jessica leave for their southwestern trip tomorrow morning. I'll write, I'm sure, about the chaos of getting them out the door, and how I either miss them or am enjoying their absence.