Thursday, June 06, 2002

It isn't even 10am yet and I'm laughing my ass off. Completely.

It isn't even 10am yet and I'm laughing my ass off. Completely.

As usual, I roll out of bed at quarter to 8 because my leaving the house family members made a lot of noise, I get the dishes started, the laundry started, and hit the daily rounds of blogs on my computer.

James Lileks knocked me on my ear laughing first with his Daily Bleat. He goes on a complete tear about not caring anymore. He doesn't care if people are offended by national policies like fingerprinting, interviewing and photographing non-citizens when they enter our country. This is what he had to say:

"An American Muslim from Somalia who lost her husband or sister or wife or child is going to be alienated because the government wants to fingerprint a 24-year old unmarried Yemeni with an Interpol jacket as thick as a Clancy novel.

I don’t believe it. I don’t believe most Americans who practice Islam are going to be offended by this. And if some are, let me be honest: I don’t care. I am way past caring. I have not a jot of the care-sauce left in my bones. The care tank is empty. There’s no one home in Careville. The dog ate my care. The Care Crop didn’t come up this year. Self.com/care comes up as a 404.

I added the bold for emphasis.

Sure, he sounds super duper insensitive, but that's the point. I think he sums up how I feel as well. I think I'm tired of putting aside my safety and the safety of my neighbors, friends and other citizens of this nation I haven't yet met because some guy in France might be offended by our own practices.

And, by the way, Lileks points out that they do this IN MOST OTHER COUNTRIES ALREADY ANYWAY and we're just late to the dance.

But, the funny part is what I bolded. It reads almost like Monty Python's "Dead Parrot" sketch where Cleese rants about Polly Parrot pushing up the daisies and joining the choir invisible, shedding this mortal coil and if you hadn't nailed it to the perch...

So after my dailies I went to my last daily read -- Monster.com to look for a job. Even though I am pretty much set for the summer with the money being paid to me by faculty members at a local college to build their online courses, I am still looking just to see if my absolute dream job might just be out there... (I guess I'm a job stalker too).

But there isn't anything out there for me right now. Which is a drag but it is also good because Lawdy Knows I'm going to be busy enough through August. Busy enough and getting paid enough to suspend my unemployment for five weeks. I did however find this job description and started laughing hysterically:

Motivational Speakers

Industry leader is seeking part time, high energy motivational speakers to speak to Middle and High School students throughout New England on exciting fashion and self-development topics. Training and topic outlines are provided. Mothers hours are available.

Please contact Ms. Walker at 800-223-4613 or by email barbizonlecture@xxxxxxxxxx.com

You are kidding, right? Lecturing high school and middle school kids about the importance of high fashion and exciting makeup application techniques. "It is more important to look good than to feel good!"

I should apply!

Fat, grey haired non-makeup wearing smartass will go to deliver a high energy motivational talk to the youth of the Commonwealth! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Who would be qualified for this? I mean, is the only prerequisite that you are pretty? We'll train your illiterate and often times just stupid and belligerent ass so you can get up and speak to the group. You have NO OTHER SKILLS so you may as well fall back on your good looks and we'll play Nikka Costa's "Like a Feather" as you walk out on stage to throngs of teeming teens.

Jebus.

In my mind's eye, I instantly see Chris Farley (may he rest in peace) as the motivational speaker Matt Foley... the guy who "lives in a van down by the river!"

He could have taken this job!

He's a great motivational speaker. Foley as a Barbizon speaker. Or better yet... perhaps it could be some sort of combination between Billy Crystal's Fernando character and Chris' Matt Foley. Perhaps they could have gone on tour together. Or Fernando is the fashion coach trying to teach Matt Foley the ropes.


Christine, you look maaahvelous!
But Matt Foley, you don't look mahvelous...

I could write that skit perfectly, if Farley wasn't with Polly Parrot. Goddamn drugs. Anyway, I laughed and laughed. It's nice to get a wicked laugh on first thing in the morning.

We have nothing planned for today. Geoff is dying to play pokemon battle and has been up my butt for the last half hour.... most of which I spent trying to find that friggin picture of Fernando. Billy Crystal pictures from back in the day are slim to none, but if you want a picture of him at the premiere of America's Sweethearts you will have no problem hooking up with one.

It looks like rain. Gotta take out the dog and move some laundry. You look maaahvelous. Have a great day. And get a good laugh going. Really sets the day up nicely.

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