Boynton Beach, FL: Dr. Brigitte Boisselier, CEO of Clonaid, announced today in a hastily organized and sparsely attended press conference that "Grandma" had been successfully cloned. She introduced the new "Grandma," one who states she looks forward to her role starring in the retarded web-based musings of her oldest daughter, Christine.
One deep, dark day in early January, Grandma was allegedly chewed to bits by her daughter's puppy, Jack. The family disposed of her body in the way she'd requested, quickly chucking it out of a car window into a gully off of I-95 north of Boston, MA.
Clonaid representatives lurking in the area, allegedly seeking Kennedy family members from which they could withdraw DNA samples, noticed the body-chucking. They quickly ran to the gully and extracted Grandma and her juicy DNA bits, all still intact. Grandma's plastic-like corpse was quickly flown to Clonaid headquarters and a team of alleged scientists, religious crackpots and somewhat geeky Sci-Fi fans was assembled to rebuild Grandma.
Like Slim Shady, 'Look Who's Back.'
"This is our first foray into cloning of adults," stated Dr. Boisselier, who up to this point has yet to produce one of the live human babies she claims her organization has created. Their methods have been carefully guarded, and Dr. Boisselier would not exactly state how a 60 year old woman could be created in just a few weeks.
"We contacted the aliens via telepathy, and they called us back on satellite phone. They wanted to know her physical characteristics and a strong description of her personality and intangible qualities. We directed them to the Grandma's Adventure webpages. The alien fathers read the funny webpage, and they knew exactly what to do.
"Our efforts have paid off," Dr. Boisselier beamed as she introduced the shiny new Grandma, filled with the piss and vinegar all have grown to expect.
Looks like a duck, walks like a duck...
Christine and Linda, who were not present at the press conference with Dr. Boisselier, could not be reached for comment. Dr. Boisselier seems to feel the Fogarty Sisters will be very satisfied with the cloned result.
"Grandma is as ornery and bitchy as ever," Dr. Boisselier assured the probing press corps. "She demands cigarettes and No Yolk Egg noodles, and screams "Bart!" a lot, but once in a while, she forgets the name Bart and yells "Maurie!" instead. It is quite funny."
Dr. Boisselier stated the aliens reviewed websites and hours of video tape, attempting to not just reproduce the body, but the soul of Grandma.
Great. This is all we need!
Critics and detractors of the cloning process were stunned when Grandma appeared at the press conference with Boisselier and yelled "No Smoking Section! Goddamnit!" And went to play Game Cube with her grandson. Religious organizations and anti-cloning groups are all speaking out tonight against the recent Grandma clone.
President Bush issued an ultimatum that Grandma be "captured swiftly and dissected fully by the "best damn scientists NASA and Starfleet Academy combined" can offer.
Thousands poured into cathedrals around the globe and prayed, believing that this allegedly fully confirmed cloning is a sign of the last days. An unnamed representative of the American Baptist Church stated "it is bad enough that people barely believe in God in the first place. We have such a tenuous hold on the belief system in this country, and then these jerks have to go and do THIS. It couldn't come at a worse time. If this is true. Ho-boy!"
Others have rushed forth to embrace the New Grandma. Barenaked Ladies is planning a concert at the Way Out Inn Coors Ampitheatre Pavillion once the snow melts in honor of this new Grandma.
"She's better than New Coke!" said an enthusiastic Steve Page. "Remember New Coke? Well, it was okay. But New Grandma is so much better and cool!"
Long time self-proclaimed family friend and savior of the world, Gayle, rushed to Boynton Beach to give New Grandma all her support. She wasn't doing much at work that day anyway, so, eh. Why not.
"I figured I'd coughed enough and done my hip stretches, and listened in on a lot of people's phone calls. They'd probably be relieved that I wasn't around," stated Gayle. "Plus, Linda's my best friend, and she couldn't get here fast enough, so I thought I'd do it for her and then let her know how it went."
"Goddamnit you sick woman!" yelled Grandma, "get your hand off my stomach!"
Rael himself has had little to say about the recent Clonaid experiments in the field of infant replication, but today he released a statement in French about Grandma, wrote a folk song about her, and drove a car very fast around a track in Spain.
"I have met this Grandma, and she is the penultimate example of the shining achievements we have made. Through our relationship with our alien fathers, we have brought you nice Grandma to yell at girls and smoke with the cigarettes. The aliens are happy, and so am I. Now, I must drive!"