Monday, August 28, 2006

It crossed my mind today that I never did tell you I found my car keys, did I? No, I didn't.

July 29th. I was looking for CD labels. My father in law was here in the study watching the Steelers 2005 road to victory DVD with Geoffrey. He wanted a grampa-grandson bonding moment. I was ruining things by ripping open boxes, rifling through their contents, and plopping them aside.

Suddenly, I opened a box and inside was a wedding invitation that I had misplaced (lucky for me, the marry-ee was very understanding and emailed me the info so we could indeed attend). I knew that the last time I saw my keys on moving day, they were very close to said invitation.

My heart lept. Honest to God, it did. Lept. Or Leaped. Depending on what spell check tells me when I run it at the end of this entry.

There, in the bottom, under the dog choke chain, the wedding invitation, two credit card bills that I didn't pay (but we were paid ahead so it didn't matter) some legal documents for the sale of the house, there were my keys.

I whooped a victory cheer and my father in law thought I had lost my mind. I hadn't lost my mind -- I'd found my keys.

Now I just need to find the access key card to my office and my alarm clock, and life is in order. God will be in his heaven and all will be right with the world.

Nearly a week has passed since last I harassed you. No one is surprised to day to learn that John Mark Karr's DNA doesn't match anything found at the scene for JonBenet Ramsey's death.

I told you he was lying through his creepy-assed teeth.

Now, put him on a plane, coach - not first class! - send his creepy-ass back to Thailand and let him serve the time for whatever it was he was in jail for in the first place. The get out of Thai prison free card has been played, you lose. Go face Thai justice instead of Boulder justice, you lying freak.

I'm sick of his shenanigans.

I'm sick of all the attention he got.

I'm sick of the whole thing.

Someone quickly ship him back to his destiny. I hope he chokes on a prawn.

I am really pissed off about this Pluto thing. Pluto getting dropped from the roster isn't as bad as say Tom Brady getting dropped from the Patriots, but it messes up all that I hold sacred in our little nine-planet solar system.

A great big F-You to all you scientists who voted it off the island. I say Lieberman and Pluto return as independents. They'd both get my vote.

Speaking of Thailand, I don't want to hear another human being on this planet say "That guy needs to go back and serve time in a Taiwanese prison."

I heard it said a few times today, once in person, where I raised my finger and said "Thai prison. Thailand and Taiwan are two completely different countries. If that guy, meaning Karr, is going to go back anywhere, it would be Thai - Thailand. Not Thai - Taiwan."

And I wanted to say "Get a fucking Atlas of the World and get educated. Moron."

And I got the "uh, okay ma'am" look back from the person who said it.

If you cut me off, don't sit there and stare at me coasting at two miles an hour. Looking like I'm the crazy bitch when you have just cut me off simply makes no sense.

Honey. If you cut me off, step on your accelerator and do not make eye contact with me because my laser beam eyes will burn you to a crisp. If you cut me off. Go. Just go. Don't sit there and stare slack-jawed at me. Don't give me this fake wave like you appreciate me for letting you go when I didn't have a choice in the world.

Step on your accelerator and get the hell away from me as fast as you can. Just test me, see if I'm lying or not. (insert buzzing noise of my eyeballs heating up).

Today I was driving home from work and saw something that makes me go mental.

There was a boy, about Geoff's age, maybe a tiny bit older, riding his bike with his helmet fastened... to his handlebars.

It was just out there, dangling back and forth as he pedaled. I couldn't help myself. I turned down "Keep it Together", rolled down my window and yelled to him as he biked by my car "Your handlebars will survive a crash. Your head will not. The helmet belongs on your head. It does its best work there."

He looked over his shoulder at me and said "uh, yeah. okay ma'am."

He probably didn't stop around the bend and put it on.

Seriously -- this makes me flip my gourd. I cannot stand seeing this. I know kids who leave their houses and take their helmets off when they get around the corner. I've stopped kids that Geoff knows who have their helmets fastened to their handlebars, or who have their helmets on but not fastened under the chin and I've politely informed them to get the helmet on or I'm calling mom and more likely than not, I've got mom's number in my cell phone and all I have to do is press a button.

I also hate it when I see parents riding without helmets and their kids are behind them with their helmets on. Yeah, when you get killed in the accident and your kid survives he or she will have a happy pleasant life without you as a parent. Get. A. Helmet.

Geoff goes nuts when I demand that he wears one, but I swear to you as my witnesses standing beside God himself, I catch that boy riding without it and I take the bike for good. End. Of. Story.


I was trying to think of more random confessions to make to tell you all, seeing as the monkey wine bit and the I love potholders bit got so much attention. Really trying to figure out what would be good to share next that isn't too personal or ... creepy.

Not that I ever do anything creepy. No. Never.

Not much else to report really. The Wasabi Mobile does well, we drive around and crank Guster and BNL. I'm in the market for some Guster bumper stickers to go with my BNL oval. Back in the day, I bought two of them, one for each car. Doug didn't want an oval on his VW. So I have one in a box.

And if you've never heard Guster Plays Hockey, please go to my myspace page and listen. It's campy and silly and it is by the world's greatest hockey rock and roll band, The Zambonis. And it's my new favorite song.

Guster and Hockey: two great tastes that taste great together.

And I forgot to mutter yesterday because we were back-to-school shopping. Cue "It's the most wonderful time of the year" music. I got Geoff a haircut today. Remind me to get a picture of him. He looks awesome.

Alright. That's about it for me. It's 9pm and I need to floss and brush and sleep. The kids start school on Wednesday, so our nice long nights of Play Station and You Tube will soon come to an end. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

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