Today I walked past a group in our kitchen. They were eating lunch together and talking and having a great time. I walked past and smiled, but none of them acknowledged me.
Sometimes I feel weird being a contractor. Like, let's not invest too much time into this one getting to know her ... she'll be leaving us soon.
I went for a walk at lunch to get my Bon Me sandwich and I went and sat down by the Children's Museum by the channel. I patted dogs and watched pigeons vie for my attention for a scrap of bread or some dropped Miso soaked pork.
Pondering the office relationships, I realized that it has been a long time since I've had a truly bonded friendship through work. Gretchen, Courtney (My Girl C), MB and Tammy were great friends at the last spot. I miss them dearly. We've kept in touch on Facebook but since being let go from our jobs in 2010 we haven't seen one another at all. And then there is the crew from the College job... Brian, Ben, Dan... I see them once in a while, and sure as hell do trade our barbs on the Facebooks and through fantasy football. I left that job in 2000 and we all managed to keep close.
But lately, not so much.
I worked the contract across the street and really had hit it off with my boss. He and I had a lot in common and it was feeling like oh hey... friend! When I got sick, he transitioned into another job within the company, I got better and he'd emailed me saying that he would love to have lunch sometime.
Four months into my stint here, across he street, we finally got together for coffee. He monitored his phone as emails kept coming in. We had what I felt was a rushed catch-up session and I felt like I was wasting his time.
Got the feeling like oh hey... not friend.
I kind of feel like that here too. I have made some connections with a few people but perpetually feel not included. I've begun staying at my desk when things are happening in the kitchen area and they come get me and pull me in but I'm not feeling the welcome or the love. You just know sometimes. You can feel it.
Each day I look forward to going on home.
Watching people enjoy each other's company in the office makes me feel kind of sad. In ways I never anticipated.