Tuesday, August 21, 2001

Every office has one of these, right?

My friend Scott used to have a co-worker named Sandra who drove him insane by being in everyone's business and getting too over involved. Seems like every office on earth has a woman in it who is way too mothering to the point of smothering. Sandra liked to cry a lot at company functions like retirement of farewell parties. Scott used to regale me with Sandra Stories all the time and I'd laugh my ass off because I didn't have one of those in my office at the time.

I then worked at a college, where no one really got in anyone's business quite in that way, but there were a couple people I really could have done completely without. A lot of back biting, political wrangling, office malaise and people who sat around bitching about nothing... the state college system in Massachusetts summed up in a nutshell.

Crazy office people seem to be everywhere, and when I look through history I realize that the Queen thus far in our "Office Space" lives is one of my sister's co-workers. Her name is Gayle. Linda has told me some horror stories about Gayle. All of them involve her being way too helpful and kinda creepy...

Here are some of the Gayle things Linda has told me about:

1. Gayle likes to touch and hug people, thinking this will make them feel better when they are pissed off in the office. Thing is, it just makes them want to punch Gayle...

1a. Gayle kissed my sister's boss on the cheek one day when V. was mad about something. Gayle is lucky to be living... if that was me, I bet I'd've hurt her.

2. Gayle likes to rub your back for no reason. She thinks your stressed or tired, or cranky, so a backrub is nice. True... if it's Brett Favre rubbing my back in the office, not an older, strange, matronly woman.

3. When Linda gets on the phone, personal or business, 9 of 10 times Gayle comes right over and stands by her desk. When Linda asks if she needs anything, Gayle says "No, I can wait. Go ahead..." Uh, NO you can't wait here, you can wait elsewhere. Go sitcherass down.

3a. Similarly, a whole day can go by in the office, but the minute she sees you talking to someone, she needs to talk to you... and screams your name across the goddamn office... like the building is on fire. Or an alien is attached to your spine and she needs to tell you.

3b. If you are in a meeting, similar to the phone thing only there is a human sitting right at your desk instead of the phone, she'll come right in, sit down and wait for you to finish... even though you're obviously in a meeting. Taking a hint is not one of her fortes.

4. A year ago, Gayle had both her hips replaced. Which is unfortunate and no fun... and I do feel badly for her. But! Now, Linda says Gayle has to come by her desk every day and either bend over to touch her toes or do a jumping jack or some other astonishing feat of strength, so people know how well her recovery is going. She then makes this noise, similar to George Costanza, "eh! eh??!!" fishing for compliments and praise on her physical prowess. It makes Linda insane.

5. Sneezing. Sneezing is something she does often and loudly. You can hear her in Blue Point when she sneezes.

5a. Laughing... turns to coughing, and the coughing pretty much sounds like a ham leg is going to come flying out of her lungs... there's something large and painful in there. So try not to make Gayle laugh.

There are many many others, but I'm wincing just thinking about them.

So Linda sent me a picture of Gayle from a recent office gathering, asked me to have fun with it. Now, you know me. Given the opportunity to have fun photoshopping the hell out of pictures is my bag. So I took a whack at it. Unfortunately I have work to do today so more Gayle pics are going to have to wait until later. But here are 3 for right now:

Gayle likes to party and party hard! When she met Y2Khai at a party, she knew it was true love, but Y2Khai made the girl cry. Visit his website to learn more... www.y2khai.com is the site, flash plug in required & apologies to the gentleman whose body Y2Khai has possessed.

Needless to say, John was surprised to get a quickie backrub and congrats on the success of his career!

Damn, Gayle! Drew is a married man! And coach says no sex before the game! We thought you'd like that cutie Gus Ferrotte or Wayne Chrebet! Never knew you'd go in for the Patriots!

So you can see I've had a little fun today. Now, I must actually work. More fun with Gayle down the road. And before you chastise me for picking on this poor woman, hell. I'm only the artist, commissioned to do the work. The impetus of the project is my sister, and everything I do in life I do to make her happy ass laugh. So if I've made fun of Gayle, my apologies to her... but note she will not be put into sexual or inappropriate positions, nor will she do anything that I wouldn't do. John Cusack is a cutie! As long as it's all in good fun, it's all in good fun. No harm, no foul.

On other notes, my sister had me do some more Gayle pics:

Gayle and Bono have been friends since before "Unforgettable Fire," or so I hear.

I don't know who the heck Maxwell is, but my sister has another co-worker who is CRAZY about him. I made her wallpaper for her computer desktop, and while I was at it, did up a nice Maxwell and Gayle collage. Don't they look cute together?

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