Choosing Joy and Forgetting the Things

Wednesday
I was up early this morning, so I started packing and then I started baking. 

Like you do, of course, the day you're leaving for a trip. Why not?

First though, loading the dishwasher. 

No one unloaded it yesterday, so I personally didn't feel like doing that AND loading it. I said "meh" and just went to bed. But I can't create new mess when mess is already in the way. I unloaded the dishwasher. 

I noticed that there was some gritty fleh stuff on the dishes, what's up with that. A few things had to go back through and I wonder where's this grit coming from? 

Truth be told, I'm bothered over it, but I'm leaving. I'll just tell Geoff to be on the lookout for flecks of stupid shit on the clean dishes and wipe/hand wash anything that needs some attention. I will ask Doug to look at it, and chances are he will not. I'll deal with it when I get back.

Once the dishwasher was loaded and the big skillet from dinner last night and a few bowls that did not fit into the dishwasher for this round were soaking in the sink, I made the pan-banging chocolate chip and the peanut butter cookies. 

Sadly, I could only make one batch of each because we are out of butter. The travesty!

With Geoff working every day, and sometimes working later than I expect, we're not getting all of the groceries we need. And I'm not about to take my ass out into the world and get things. That's what the Boy is for! 

Happy for him having a job and all but it crimps my style. 

I had an 11am meeting get canceled, so I hit the treadmill. Gotta make sure I don't fail at my steps right? I had a good 30 minute run and took a shower. We had a team meeting with our SVP. This happens once a month and I always appreciate her. After that was my check in with my boss. He said "oh your friends are probably going to be there soon to get you so we can cancel this." Nope. They ... were not. 

I made some candied nuts but I don't know what the deal is lately when I make these - they never like, get ... dry. I guess I have to leave them stand a couple days? But usually when I would make them they'd crisp up, get candied and what not. These are moist. And weird. And I do not like. 

Hmmm. 

Geoff got home from work, went to the gym, stopped and bought me wine, and made dinner. S&S&H didn't get to my house until 7, which was frustrating to me but I got over it. I knew we'd have at least a 5 hour trip, and it was going to rain. 

We got just between Harrisburg and Carlisle on 81 and traffic ground to a halt. Both our GPSes pointed to getting off the highway, which normally I'm like hell yes, but at night through corn country and ancient civil war 2 lane roads, this could be a challenge. 

We were cruising along, following an 18 wheeler who was making the same moves we were the whole way until we got to a detour. Car accident. Okay, turn left and recalculate. Super! it's working. 

Then, another accident. Cops and fire trucks and ambulances everywhere. And the big truck pulled into a parking lot to do his own rerouting, and we knew if we could get up to the right (the accident was over on the left in front of a Sheetz, at the other side of the crossroads, we'd be all set. But the guy wave us back the other way. 

Okay. 

GPS? Do your thing? First she wanted to send us back to the intersection where accident 1 was, but we passed that right turn and kept going. Eventually, a right turn with a dude right on our ass. S was getting super nervous but I told her she was doing great. Keep going. I could see on the map, up ahead, Rte 11. That'll work. She'll work. Rte 11 dances next to 81 forever, so I knew we'd be good. 

81 was still a parking lot, so we kept to 11 and eventually saw our opportunity to get back onto the highway. 

Detour added 10 minutes to our trip even though we drove all over hell and half of Georgia to get back on the highway. 

Continuing. Driving. Telling jokes and laughing. At one point S told a story about an opportunity to just choose joy instead of anger, so I told her we were all actively choosing joy with this situation. 

After Lehigh Valley - the rain started. And It was epic. Darkness, pouring rain, the blessing of being behind an 18 wheeler with excellent reflecting tape and no spray back. We held there for a long time. It was a slow down - we'd been doing up over 60-70 mph but had to go 55 for quite some time. Adding more time to the trip. 

Lightning. blinding. (Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening me!)

Police lights and construction. blinding. 

We got into NY and were so close. So close. 20 miles to the hotel. I said "If we do this again next year, let's not make a reservation at this hotel even though we've stayed here many times - lets just plan to get off the highway when it is right." And we all agreed. 

S said "or, I can be on time to getting to your house when I said I'd get to your house. 

Mind you - she promised between 3 and 5. 

No harm, no foul - she did the driving, she carried the burden. I'm proud of her. 

She told herself the whole time that she wanted one of my cookies, but would save it as a reward for getting us to the hotel. 

We pulled in the parking lot, and I'm not joking, 2am. Laughing our asses off, choosing joy. And a train whistle blew. 

And scared the shit out of all of us.

"WHAT KIND OF FINAL DESTINATION MOVIE PLOT IS THIS!"  she yelled.  

She got her cookie, and was emotionally just relieved and happy, and said it was the most delicious cookie she had ever eaten in her life. 

I bet it was.

Usually when we get here to the hotel, in years past it is 11pm or Midnight and we have a cocktail and chillax. 

We all just went to bed. Choosing bed and choosing joy. 

Thursday
I woke up at 8:45. Got up, got out the door. I walked over to the stop & shop for a few things. I took my blood sugar and took the regular morning meds. I wanted some yogurt and S needed some prilosec. So it was a fun jaunt. 

I got back and started to organize my stuff for the day, starting with my meds. I realized, sadly, I left my metformin at home. Crap. I'm going to be up here for close to a week and a half, so it isn't like "oh well, can't worry bout that!" 

I emailed my doctor to see if she could send in an order for them at the Walmart by my hotel. I didn't hear back from her. I emailed Doug to ask if he could mail a bottle to C's so they are there by the time I get there Monday. So he did. 

Then at 6pm I got a text from Walmart welcoming me to their pharmacy program. Oh, okay. No email from my actual doctor though. But. I guess she put a script order in. I will go pick those up in the morning. 

Suffice to say, I can see a big difference in the blood sugar by not taking that medication. Eve with all my activity and movement today. That number is dumb and high. 

Back on track tomorrow. 

We hit the road around noon thirty. Linda texted me that she was bored. She was also driving up and I figured she might be near us. 

Little did I know how near. 

She was literally a couple exits behind us. Wow. We stopped at the Charlton rest area on the Mass Pike and Linda came in right behind us. We had a quick snacky snack mealy meal. And then hit the road again. 

Linda needed to go to Staples. She made some crafty things to trade with other crafty folks. I didn't make anything this year, but she went above and beyond. Team S and I got to the hotel around 7 (I had told her it would be close to an 8 hour trip, and I was basically an hour off, but close). We checked in, unloaded the car, and Linda came right shortly after. We headed to the annual meet up at the Highroller Lobster Company. We were super late, so missed a few folks but it was super fun to connect with a bunch of friends and have a meal. I got the chicken sandwich and I forgot that it is usually overcooked. The batter on the fried breast cut up the roof of my mouth. 

I mean, it was delicious but. Ouch. Then I ate trail mix and hurt my mouth more because I am dumb.

We got back to the hotel room, had a comedy of errors for over an hour trying to find my purse. Finally lin told me to go to google and Find My Phone, and it said it was here, in the building. Not on a table at the restaurant. And I KNEW it wasn't because Lin had dropped her room key in the car, S handed it to me and I put it in the purse. And then, got it out of the purse to open the door to the room. So there. Fuck. Where the hell is it.

We unpacked everything. Absolutely tore the fucking room apart, and thanks to the magic of technology, there she was - I hit the ringer and it was deep in my duffel bag. 

Black purse under black pants under black bathing suit. 

God.

So that was an adventure. 

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with a friend who used to be a friend of S&S. But they had a massive falling out over many a big thing. I was somewhat reluctant to do this, but S blessed me in doing it, and in spending time with her. No skin off her nose. 

I still feel weird a bit, but, I am hoping to connect and catch up. She is my friend too. And I'd like to just catch up because we're here and all. 

Some pictures below. 

Wednesday digits
exercise: 12/12 hours, treadmill run, 30 min/2.1 mi (seems to be what I'm good at!); 12k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose: 

8:45am: 124
4:30pm: 108
2am on Thursday: 174

food & meds:

8:45am: jardiance, new meds
1pm: 2 slices of sharp cheddar, sliced roast beef, mayo, small potato roll; met+glip
4:30pm: new meds
6:30pm: met+glip. bowl of mac & cheese w/bacon

Thursday digits
exercise: 9/12 hours, walk to and from the market, about 15 min./.6 mi; 10k steps by bedtime

blood glucose: 

8:45am: 150
n/a pm: x
11pm: 234 (*) see entry above about meds

food & meds:

8:45am: jardiance, new meds
10am: Oikos 000 peach yogurt w/granola bar
2pm: glip (no met)
4pm: new meds
5pm: 8 chicken mcnuggets
8pm: fried chicken sandwich (and I ate the bun) at the highroller lobster co; glip. One beer
10:30pm: glass of wine w/ice
11pm: trail mix. ouch.

A Little Pre Trip Baking and Breaking

Doug noticed that we had some apples in the crisper drawer from earlier this year, and they were still good. Decent enough. I ate one yesterday for breakfast-ish, and he said "I bet there is a good apple banana recipe out there. Maybe you could make that? 

But of course I can. 

I researched some recipes and picked one and started getting it rolling when I realized it called for Buttermilk. 

Huh. Actual Buttermilk. I don't think I've ever made anything with buttermilk but okay? Can I substitute regular milk? no? hummmmmm. But, I can mix in lemon juice or white vinegar with whole milk, okay I can do that. I have no lemons, rats. I have .... no white vinegar? How is that possible. We had every kind of vinegar on earth. Apple cider, red wine, white wine, rice.... but no white vinegar. 

The internet is such a helpful place when it isn't a cesspool of datamining and AI slop. I found a good website (not an AI summary, I went to an actual website) and found out the right mix for using apple cider vinegar. 

I made my mock-buttermilk, and it made me nervous, but, she worked. Now I have 3/4 of a cup of that concoction in the fridge, and maybe I can make something else but. Do I really want to? 

My apple banana bread came out very nice. I'll make that again, with my mystery fake buttermilk. The only problem is I now have 3/4 of a cup of fake buttermilk and no idea what to do with her. Biscuits is too damn hard! 

Geoff had selected a Jose Andrés recipe from a cookbook the other day, and it had a complicated marinade. I set that up yesterday since he was at work, and the recipe said to let it sit for 24 hours. Right then. 

It was about 5:30 and he wasn't home from work yet (weird!) and I had read the instructions saying that it takes the pork 90 minutes to cook. 

So I jumped up and started it into the oven. 

I'm glad I didn't follow these instructions - if I cooked the pork to 90 minutes instead of the 55 that I set the timer for, it would have been small rubber hockey pucks and ruined.

Geoff came in the door as I was taking the pork out of the oven, and taking the temperature - I always cook to temp. It wasn't even like this was some sort of slow cooker/crock pot thing where you HAVE to cook it forever for the roast to "fall apart" when it is ready, Duly noted for future use! 

The pork had braised in the oven in a cup of water in my enameled cast iron pan. I've never done that before so it was kind of cool. Only I ended up spilling the braising liquid on the inside of the oven (oops) so... I hope to clean that up tomorrow. 

For tonight though, no. Not interested in doing any sort of cleaning work! Instead, I had a yap with my friend S, and her son who is too excited about our trip tomorrow. 

I thought then, well,  I'll work a little extra on some tickets and get them out of the way. At about 10pm I broke someone's calendar completely. Ugh. Worse than spilling braising liquid in the stove. 

Luckily, he's in New Mexico, so he was online when I messaged and he said it's no problem. He'll take a look and if he needs my help, I've got one hour open at noon tomorrow, and can give him a hand then. Put the computer away, Chris. Stop working. 

Pack your stuff and get things organized for baking in the morning. 

Digits below.

digits
exercise: 12/12 hours,  easy gentle treadmill run, 30min/2.1 mi.  11k+ by bedtime

blood glucose: 

7:45am: 122
4:30pm: 150
10:30pm: 154

food & meds:

7:45am: jardiance, new meds
11:15am: everything bagel w/ cream cheese and turkey
12:15pm: met+glip
4:30pm: new meds
4:45pm: slab of apple banana bread
5:30pm: oh, another slab of apple banana bread
6:45pm: 2 slices of pork roast w/roasty little potatoes in a reduction marinade that Geoff picked out. And I cooked
7:30pm: met+glip
white wine + diet gingerale

Giving myself permission

Today I woke up not feeling so awesome. Yesterday I felt great, fantastic, all the good things. But today I was very tired even though I slept about 9 hours. I felt like I could just go back to bed and lie down. 

Eventually I did. I told my team that I was checking out at about 1pm. And I slept for over 2 more hours. I thought about starting up work again but I remembered I'd promised to sous chef a marinade for the boy while he was at work, and that kept me busy, until I was reasonably tired to want to go back to bed.

Somehow, I managed to get all my steps for each hour, which is nice, but fell super far short of 10k for the day. 

And sometimes, friends, that is okay. Sometimes you just gotta say "meh." 

Part of me feels like that'll be the case on Wednesday when I'm in the car for a bunch of hours with my friends driving up to the hotel in NY. Unless I start my day with a run super early, right. LOL right Chris.

I didn't want today and Wednesday being short days but. If it is to be, it is to be, eh? The universe does not hinge upon my steps.

During my11am meeting, I had my camera off and I just walked around the house, glad I did that or maybe I would have only gotten 2k steps! But after dinner, I thought about making the big effort and that would be over 2 miles of big effort. 

Nah. 

It is okay to give yourself a day off. No one is giving me an award for doing this. Give yourself some grace.

All told, by bedtime here, I still feel like ass. So I'm going to schlep off to bed on the early side of things right after I publish this. 

So much to do tomorrow. Laundry, packing, work that I didn't do during work hours today. I was going to bake cookies for the trip as a gift to Hen. 

48 hours from now full blown vacation mode is on, friends. Let's go.

Digits. Below.

digits
exercise: 12/12 hours,  17 minute walk about/.6 mi. 6k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose: 

9am: 156
5pm: 105
9:30pm: 128

food & meds:

9am: jardiance, new meds
11am: apple w/pb
2:pm: met+glip
5pm: new meds
7pm: peach 000 yogurt w/ crushed granola bar

Mall Walker

I've been missing my Teva sandals. 

I recently had to ditch them after like 15 years or more of happy wear. I am always reluctant to buy shoes online because I am never sure if I'm a 10, 10.5, 11. So I thought I'd go buy in person. 

Also, shout out to shoe stores that are carrying Ladies' Shoes at sizes 11+ because I see you. I see what you're thinking of client-wise. And you're doing great. Thank you for thinking of those girlies, friends!

Local big shoe store chain allegedly carries said Tevas so I have delayed going actual shopping. I told Doug I was going to go today and asked if he wanted to come. Normally he says no. Not interested. But. Today? He felt like coming. 

Alrighty then. 

We went to the store, and no. They had Tevas but they were like .... fancy? Pretty Tevas? no. Not what I wanted. I wanted something like my hiking sandals. That I've worn forever. That I sadly parted with. 

He suggested we go over to the mall, so. Okay? Mall? Doug? I guess. 

We headed over and parked, and it turns out the mall was .... um. Very Busy. The site of a collectables convention for pokemon cards, sports cards, all kinds of shit. The place was mobbed, and we were parked at the far end of the mall away from the shoe store that we wanted to go to. Lots of walking past table after table of nerds and cards and Magic the Gathering and whatever. 

Where are the shoes. Where are they hiding shoes?

We tried Dick's sporting goods and no luck.

Another store, no. 

We kept walking the mall, past the tables of collectibles and ... the nerds. So many nerds. 

We finally found a shoe store where two staff people told me they'd never heard of the brand "Teva." Really? huh. 

I was ready to quit when Doug found some sandals that were .... passable? 

Not exactly what I wanted but they'll do. They're cute. But.

I am a little worried about just outright ruining them if it pours rain and is mud-fest central. 

You never know what it is going to do weather-wise out there for the fest. 

And, when I got home, I went online and ordered Tevas, not sure they'll be the right ones I want or fit or whatever, or even get here in time for me to leave Wednesday but. Alright. 

After we went shopping, and walked one end of the mall to the other, we drove over to Cushwa Brewing and enjoyed some time, some beer, and some Detroit Pizza at Rad Pies. 

I was happy he wanted to come with me. Honestly, we aren't going to see each other again until late August, so. 

A nice day out together was fun. 

We got home and he took a big nap. I made dinner for Geoff because he was getting hungry, and I knew Doug wasn't going to want dinner, but I was okay with having a little bowl of pasta and meat sauce. 

Walking the mall I got a butt ton of steps. Who needs the treadmill, friends? 

Here are a couple more pictures. My neighbor was throwing some things away and they've been sitting out in front of her house for a couple weeks, so I salvaged a weird flamingo fisherman guy, and another flamingo that lights up when it gets a lot of sunlight, which is not today. So much rain. And our big tall sunflower up front is doing gangbusters out there. Loving all the pollinators that swarm around the flowers, and I absolutely adore having her out there. 

digits
exercise: 12/12 hours, Mall Walkin' 46 min/1.19 mi. 12k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose: 

9:30am: 166
4:30pm: 165
10pm: 116

food & meds:

9:30am: jardiance, new meds
11:30am: English muffin w/pb and nice cherry preserves
1pm: met+glip
3:30pm: detroit style pizza, 3 beers
5pm: new meds
6pm: small bowl of fettuccine w/ meat sauce and one piece of garlic toast
7:30pm: met+glip
red wine w/diet ginger ale 

We Run, We Nap, We Eat

I play a game with myself when it comes to sleep. If I wake up and it is after 6am, I'll stay up. But before, I'll try and go back to sleep. 

Today, I woke up at 5:50. 

Ha.

I had to pee so I went downstairs, did the duty, and got in the guest bed and put on a podcast. I heard Doug come down at about 6:30, he fed the dog, and he made coffee. I stayed in bed and fell back asleep quickly again. 

Eventually Toffee came in to check on me, have a cuddle, and I got up. Let the day begin. I went out and watered the garden. Farmer Chris is happy with the flowers but the zucchini is not well and we have one semi-decent cucumber. The lettuce was knocked out by a whistle pig, and the bumper crop are the peppers and the tomatoes. They are doing quite well. Lots of green tomatoes that will probably all come ready while I am away. 

Kind of disappointed in the veg garden, but. Oh well. I think everything just got fried to death in the heatwave. And that makes me sad.

Doug went and took a nap around 11 and I figured it would be a good time to do the treadmill. I want to try and do 5k more frequently before ... gasp! A week from tomorrow! I started out on the faster side of things and then just felt slow and fat and gloppy... so I finished in about 48 minutes when I usually do it in 43 or less. No worries. I will take it. 

And, It was nice to get that many steps out of the way by noon.

I asked Doug if he wanted to do anything today and he was kind of "meh," It kind of bums me out because starting Wednesday I am not here for like almost 3 weeks. I'd like to do some fun together before Wednesday. 

Around 4:30 I felt like I also could use a nap, so I did that. I don't usually but I guess I needed it. I slept through the 5pm hour and missed those steps but who cares. I was already over 10k steps for the day anyway!  

Geoff cooking dinner woke me up. He was browning apples and onions to go over some pork chops. It was very tasty and I ate a lot more than I should have. But it was so good. 

The one notable thing that happened is Guster and their partner organization Reverb do a volunteer service day on Saturday during the weekend, and I was selected for one project and Linda was selected for the other. We decided we wanted to do the project I was selected for. We'll be cutting apples for a dehydration machine for a food project. I'm all for it. 

The other project Linda was selected for was trail maintenance, and neither of us want ticks or exhaustion. And Linda's back may not agree upon doing it. I think I'd be alright with it, but ... August and trail maintenance and I are not best friends. 

Digits below! 

digits
exercise: 11/12 hours,  Slept through 5pm. 11k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose: 

8am: 159
4pm: 169
10:30pm: 177

food & meds:

8am: jardiance, new meds
9:30am: ramekin mixed nuts
12:30pm: met+glip; large bowl of mac & cheese w/bacon
6:30pm: new meds
7pm: red wine + diet ginger ale; pork chops in an apple/onion/raisin reduction sauce (mmmm)

Shot to the Knee

A couple weeks ago, my right knee was hurting a lot so I stopped running, just did walkies, and things got better. Imagine that, dear hearts - when you run the impact on your joints is immense, and when you weigh 190 lbs, that is a lot of boom boom. BOOM. 

I would be limping around in the mornings, and by afternoon it would have worked itself out pain-wise, and I'd run after work, and ouch. Heating pad, ice pack, biofreeze. 

My doctor and I talked about it, she ordered an X-ray and then said that things look okay but if I wanted to get a Cortisone shot she'd make the referral. 

I wanted the Cortisone shot. 

I've had several over the years, mostly before vacations where I knew we'd be walking a ton. And since I'm doing a 5k in real life, not just on the treadmill in my air conditioned house, I wanted to make sure that knee pain was not going to be my reason for flaking out or not doing it or anything. 

The interesting thing is, for the past week or so, it has not hurt at all. But I didn't want to cancel this appointment. We talked about how I've been running and I'm doing a 5k, he seemed a little surprised and I didn't want to shame the fuck out of him for saying "um, yeah, fat people can run a 5k, dude," right before he jammed a needle into my knee. 

I told him how much I used to weigh, how over the years I've managed to lose weight gradually. He asked if I was on wegovy or anything, but I told him our insurance does not cover wegovy or any compound medications. He seemed surprised. I told him I was kind of relieved I'm doing things the way I'm doing things. If I make it to 180, I'll refocus my goal to 175. If that is 2027, so be it. 

But in the meantime, yeah bro. Yeah I'm runnin' a bunch and running a 5k so shoot some cortisone in my knee and make her feel better.

He seemed really cool, and at the end he told me, "you know, you're the nicest patient I've had all week. Maybe ever. But no, there is this one lady, I did her knee replacement and she came back in to meet about her second knee and she hugged me and cried and told me that I saved her life, I've changed her life. She wants to do something for me..."

"Cookies? Can you accept cookies? because heck, I'd take a dozen wonderfully made with love cookies." He laughed and said "that's a great suggestion."

I told him about how I do technical support and one of my clients that I'd never spoken with before accused me of being a bot because I'm too nice, and I maintain composure and approach situations that he is struggling with, and I told him that he deserves kindness. I'm not a bot, and to be honest, ALAN! the guy's name is Alan, To be honest I've been doing this job for 13 years and nothing that I deal with is brain surgery or nuclear war. No one is dying, no one needs an ambulance, and we can get through it all. And don't you call me a bot ever again. 

Traffic sucked going down there, and sucked coming back up. Doug's mom gave him a check when he visited recently, so he wanted me to deposit it. That got me off the highway where the highway was most horrible by 5pm. 

And then where I get back on the highway it is far more reasonable and not congested. 

Alright. Bedtime. It has been a long day and I have some catch up work to do tomorrow to ticket some things to the developers and work on my vacation coverage plan. 

knee feels pretty good. Didn't get a run but took an almost hour walk, and that was great.

digits
exercise: 11/12 hours, missed 3pm due to being stuck in traffic; walk while talking to linda, 53 minutes/2.25 miles; 12k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose: 

8am: 120
n/a pm: n/a
10pm: 222 (why? lol)

food & meds:

8am: jardiance, new meds
1pm: met+glip; tuna salad on small sub roll (about 4 inches) 
5pm: new meds
6pm: one hamburger, a couple french fries
7:30pm: met+glip
red wine & diet ginger

How much lettuce would a woodchuck lettuce if a woodchuck could lettuce lettuce

Farmer Chris is displeased.

Doug was looking out the back door before letting Toffee out this morning and there was this big fat giant woodchuck eating our lettuce right out of the raised bed. 

Sonofabitch. So how am I gonna feed my whole family all winter long on no lettuce? Funny enough, I asked Doug the other day if I should harvest the lettuce and he said no, give it another couple days. 

Well then. 

The woodchuck saw Doug and hid under our shed. Maybe this is why I have not seen the bunny recently, she got evicted by this big ass mofo. 

Toffee and Dijon spent a lot of time sniffin' round the shed last week and I guess I can see now why. 

I went out with her to investigate the lettuce, she sniffed and I huffed. 

I told Doug we need a little fence around this, and he said it is too late now. 

I want to call the wildlife guy that took care of our squirrel situation, Doug seems to want to wait a bit. Not sure why. It isn't like we can cuddle it, or hang out with it. It is not as cute as the bunny. 

There is a rather large hole in my neighbor's fence, overgrown with some of her perennial flowering vines, but for sure that little jerk is moving around between our yards. 

Bah. Madenning. 

I decided that I didn't want a run-in with a woodchuck for Miss Toffee so I reached out to a veterinary clinic. She's due for shots/tests/etc and we've been here almost a year so I bet she's out of date on some of her vaccinations. It is something I've been meaning to do. 

Anyway, I have a horrible hangnail on my right index finger, and that is making typing super uncomfortable. So I'll just post this. More tomorrow, digits below. 

Wednesday digits
exercise: 12/12 hours, Treadmill run 30 min/2.25 mi. 10k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose: 

8:45am: 145
4pm: 79
11pm: 135

food & meds:

8:45am: jardiance, new meds
9am: last 2 cookies; mixed protein shake in with my coffee
4:15pm: cheese and crackers and a little trail mix; new meds
6pm: piece of chicken parm
7:30pm: met+glip
red wine on ice

Thursday digits
exercise: 12/12 hours, treadmill run, 15 min/1.11 mi. dog walk, 17 min/.77 mi. 10k+ steps by bedtime 

blood glucose: 

7am: 119
5:30pm: 86
10pm: 220* see ice cream below

food & meds:

7am: jardiance, new meds
8am: protein shake mixed in coffee
11:30am: English muffin, one half w/pb and cherry preserves, the other half with butter and cherry preserves (on the recommendation of Doug!)
1pm: met+glip, small bit of the potato salad left over from the weekend (about a cup) 
5:30pm: new meds
6:30pm: small bowl of tortellini, ramekin of ice cream; met+glip
7:30pm: ramekin of normal ice cream

I shall eclipse you - on the loss of Glen Hansard

Damn sad news today. 

Glen Hansard died in a motorcycle crash in Dublin today.

The Guardian has a non-paywalled story if that link does not work. Thanks The Irish Times...

Now, I know I mostly talk about Guster here in my blog, right? You know they are my literal north star. But in my life there are many constellations that interconnect and shine and sometimes they burn out. They mark my pathway through this universe.

Glen Hansard has always been a part of the me soundtrack, from The Frames to Swell Season to his solo work. He just has always been there. 

When a famous person dies, when a musician I love dies, it honestly is usually when they are old and while I mourn the loss, and it hurts, we give thanks and praise for a life well lived, well sung, well done. I am thinking most notably of how we recently lost Bobby Weir from the Grateful Dead. I feel so lucky to have seen him perform so many times. 

But then, there is misadventure. Death by misadventure is an actual term that is often used, I think, mostly in England, for accidental death when someone takes a risk of sorts and there are no other circumstances attached to the death. And this usually befalls someone young. 

And we least expect it, right? 

And by young, 56 is young. Really and truly. A life well lived and sung yes but also the realization now that there won't be more. There will not be more. 

Misadventure, like a motorcycle accident. Like how Glen died this morning. Toxicology results pending, of course. From what I read he was at a pub, a musical night out, and it sounded like a regular open mic or a rather typical Irish Bar kind of thing where the fiddles and guitars get whipped out on a random Tuesday night and everyone has a grand time. 

Motorcycles. A single vehicle crash a few kilometers away from the fun night with friends. 

I've never been a fan of motorcycles to be honest. So many of my friends have them and ride them. But I don't get it. You don't have to take the time to try and describe it to me. 

I don't understand gun ownership or smoking either. Truth be told. I don't understand why anyone would want to own a bunch of guns or would be a teen and start smoking. Make good choices in life, right? 

But motorcycles.... 

I don't understand the desire and draw to be out in the open air with nothing to protect me other than maybe a helmet. Nothing to protect me from cars. Nothing to protect me from myself. Nothing to protect me from losing control and crashing into trees or a fence or whatever. There's nothing to protect you. Maybe you have a nice kevlar jacket, maybe you're wearing protective gear, gloves, leather pants. You're still going to get very badly hurt.

But here we are today. 

We have lost (and I say we because this entire world has lost) a wonderful human, a soul singularly beautiful, a voice for the ages. And it makes no sense. Absolutely no sense. 

What's worse is that it weighs on my soul right now that this is absolutely an unfairly balanced universe, when some walk this earth for ages too long wreaking havoc and ruining lives, and a man who plays guitar and sings and does love and charity suddenly vanishes. 

I spent a good part of the day numb. 

I have read remarks from so many musicians and so many of my friends. I ran on the treadmill and found myself crying to "Fitzcarraldo" and doing ... I'm not kidding, a 12 minute mile while allowing the violin and guitar and Glen to wash over me in such a true and pure way, and feeling every part of that song. 

On Fitzcarraldo... One of my favorite memories was meeting my friend Matt when we both briefly worked together for the publishing company in Newburyport (where I left after 3 months when I got re-hired by my former job and he found out he was being replaced by a friend sending him a job posting for his own job and he called the guy out on that bullshit!) and finding out our shared love for Glen. A true kindred spirit.

And I thought back hard on how unjust and unfair life seems sometimes, you know, when horrible humans just keep living. But it gave me solace. 

When you die, when you are lost to this world, I truly pray that people say things about you that are stunningly moving and profound. And that if you hear people say wonderful things about the world's most horrible humans, that you know they are lies and clanging gongs. 

The tributes to Glen have been so painfully beautiful to read. Fellow musicians, artists, friends of mine, friends of mine who actually knew him. Honestly if only one nice thing is said about me after my death that is half as amazing as what people are sharing about him, that will be a life worth living. 

I won't quote them, you can find them. But honestly, do go search them out. Be like Glen and very unlike many others. Promise me that, dear hearts.

I will let his voice and music speak for itself. 

First though, go listen to this Christmas Eve Busk with Bono and the choir of the audience and read his wonderful words.

Sometimes I would wonder if Glen Hansard really existed….

Seriously, he was such an angelic presence… not otherworldly…in fact, very present this presence…

and I’m telling myself this morning that if he never existed, then he can never cease to exist. For me, he will always be everywhere I see a coin spinning into an open guitar case.

 

The Swell Season, Marketa Irglova and Glen were indeed the Swell Season and won the Best Song Oscar for this song from the movie they starred in "Once."  

This version of Fitzcarraldo with The Frames (the title of this entry comes from the song) is a very favorite of mine.  

This version, from Lollapalooza 2014, with the heartfelt introduction about taking the long way to get to where you need to go... The horns, the broken string on the guitar, the violin...

Fill to him the parting glass, dear friends. Thank you Glen for your voice and life

Oh how it rained

It was a super rainy day here today. Humid morning but a low temperature. Then heating up and turning dark and stormy. 

I had a lot of meetings today, and thankfully the weather didn't knock our power out during the busy parts of the day. I hate when it does that. The rain came straight down. Not an angle to be seen, no wind. Just pouring. Around 4pm we lost power and the lightning felt like it hit the street a block up with a crack of thunder like I've not heard in a very long time. 

Truly a dramatic afternoon!

After it cleared out, around 8pm, it was nice enough for a walk and Doug wanted to take one. He always invites me, and usually I say no but it was super nice after the storm had cleared out and I had no excuses.

I made an appointment for Friday afternoon to get a cortisone shot in my knee so it'll be feeling better hopefully for Maine. 

Kind of hard to believe a week from tomorrow we'll be on our way to the best weekend in the year. 

Didn't get a picture today, so digits are down below! 

digits
exercise: 12/12 hours,  Treadmill run, 25 min/1.81 mi; walk with doug & toffee, 21 min/.96 mi. 12k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose: 

6:45am: 138
4:30pm: 154
10:30pm: 153

food & meds:

6:45am: jardiance, new meds
7am: 2 cookies w/coffee 
11:30am: left over tomato/cuke salad w/ last steak tip; met+glip (may have accidentally taken 2 met? not sure. It also may have fallen off the bureau and into my clean laundry). 
3pm: another cookie (sorry not sorry)
5pm: new meds
6:30pm: geoff's fried rice and steak
7:30pm: met+glip
red wine (no ginger ale) 

Belated Yahrzeit

The other day I was out poking in the garden and cutting some flowers for a little vase that is on the TV table, and I was wondering if I'd missed the anniversary of dad's passing. 

And then suddenly I couldn't remember the date. 

Or the exact year either. I know it was a July. but it all feels ethereal and far far away.

Why does life feel like an absolute blur? I didn't blog anything around the anniversary, and now July is almost over. While I was deadheading the petunias, it occurred to me that I'd missed it.

I mentioned it to my sister and she said she also kind of let it slip from mind as well. But she's been a bit emotional all month because of all the reasons and this would just add to that. We talked about how neither of us called Mom to specifically mark the date. It is different for birthdays since their birthdays were right next to each other, so if you call her on the 7th, you also acknowledge the 8th.

Still, I was disappointed in myself that I didn't remember. 

Year 3 gone by. 

I have some friends who rotate around dates and milestones and they never forget, never ever. They spend days leading up to anniversaries of births and deaths alike, focused on their joy or loss. But that's kind of never been me. 

The memories remain but I don't get so focused on a specific date on the calendar. The loss is the same whether it is a Tuesday in November or it is July 15th. 

Anyway. This morning, again, I was out deadheading the petunias, I thought of him. I don't feel a lot of grief, really. I more just feel a sad and a sort of disbelief that this is life as we know it, three years on without him. 

Work was very busy, I spent a great deal of time writing a help document and an announcement that I should have really had done on Thursday and I'd intended to finish it yesterday but I didn't touch my laptop. I let my boss know that I needed more time and he said that was fine, he'd look at it after 2pm. I don't think he did. 

It is one of those important things that we need to do and have done, but it isn't like a system outage or product down. We just need for people to know and do and get things caught up before we turn off an application that many are still accidentally using. Get them ready. 

I had two meetings with the work bestie. I hit the treadmill and then got a phone call from a co-worker asking for some immediate assistance. "Are you free right now, I could use your eyes..." So I jumped off the treadmill to go help him. 

At about 5 I decided to bake cookies, and Doug came home at 5:30 as the last batch came out of the oven. I usually anxiety bake but I wanted to welcome home bake. Just for him. 

He hasn't talked much about news from the homeland there with mom. Not sure how things went or what was said or anything, but maybe he'll share later. 

I also made dinner, Geoff usually does, but he had gone downstairs after he went to the gym and I got the impression he was napping. Since he cooks all the time for us, I cooked for him. But he did prep for tomorrow's dinner, he makes an interesting fried rice dish, and he used one of the containers of steak tips Jess brought from the north. So dinner tomorrow is ready to go. 

After dinner and clean up, I needed 3k steps to 10k, so I took myself for a walk. I went further than I'd intended but it was a good night to be out and about. Far exceeded the steps I needed in the end. Made up for the short run. 

Tomorrow, Doug has a 7am meeting so I need out of bed. I also have an important site launch in the morning at 10, so I want to actually be showered and looking like a human being for it. 

Toffee was very sad without Dijon but when Doug came home, boy was she thrilled. We had a big cuddle after my walk. She held me hostage. I wasn't mad.

Digits, below. 

digits
exercise: 12/12 hours, Treadmill run, 10 min/0.7 mi; Walk after dinner, 36 min/1.75 mi. 12k+ steps by bedtime.

blood glucose: 

8:45am: 118
4:15pm: 129
10:15pm: 103

food & meds:

8:45am: jardiance, new meds
1:30pm: english muffin w/pb; met+glip
4:15pm: handful of peanut butter m&ms
4:30pm: new meds
5pm: 2 chocolate chip walnut butterscotch cookies
5:30pm: small bowl of fettuccini and meat sauce (lots of meat) 
white wine, no available ginger ale