Friday, March 08, 2002

More Substitute Teaching Stories


I thought I was going to be the remedial reading teacher today.

Surprise. They switched me.

I found out from someone on staff that they do this all the time to subs ... without thinking a thing. I was all prepared to have fun with reading. Instead -- I am a sixth grade science teacher.

Mother of God.

You've gotta be kidding. Science? I tell the witch, I mean, secretary that I don't do science classes and she says "He leaves instructions. You just have to be in the room."

That's not good enough. I'm your social studies, english, writing, reading kinda gal. I'm not your math or science. NO.

I told her in future not to put me in a science, gym or math class, thanks.

She thought I was being bitchy. I guess I was. But kids smell fear and lack of knowledge. The minute someone asks me what the pythagorean theorum is, I'm fucked. They will be like wolves on a calf. A wounded calf who has broken her leg struggling out of a bear trap. No thanks. Not for seventy five bucks a day.

The first two classes were a study hall and a reading class. They both went swimmingly and I liked the kids a lot.

I then had four science classes. The kids in these classes are working on group projects. They all had folders, and the instructions I had were that they weren't allowed out to the library because the teacher had all the books sent to the class room. So the kids were ripshit that I wouldn't let them out.

Tough noogies. "But Mr. XXXXX lets us go to the library all the time."

"Well, he left instruction saying that you were to stay here. Sorry."

"But we're allowed to --"

"No. Sit. Thanks."

In the first class, the printer and the scanner broke on one of the computers (the one belonging to the teacher). After spending about a half hour during my break trying to fix the scanner, I gave up and decided no one in the next three classes needed to scan anything, they just needed to make a note of what picture they wanted, and deal with Mr. Teacher Man when he got back.

Class two accepted that. Class three was bad right off the bat before I even informed them that they couldn't scan. It was downhill from there.

"He knows how to fix it," said one kid pointing to another. They really wanted to scan things.

"I'm sure he does, Sxxxx, but I'm experienced with computers and scanners and there's something seriously wrong with it. I just said that I spent a lot of time trying to fix it, and it isn't worth it --"

"He fixes it all the time. He can do it."

"There is limited time and this is a big class, I don't want to waste precious computer time with troubleshoo-"

"But he can fix it. I know he can."

"Third time I'm having to say this. No. No, no he can't. He's not going to take the time when the PC is needed for research. No. Thanks for your help. But no."

"But he can fix it."

I didn't tell him to shut the fuck up but I was one haresbredth away from doing so. Little shit. He then proceeded to be a complete pain in the ass for the entire class period. A complete and total fuck. Sorry for the language, but I think my size ten shoe would have looked fabulous upside his smartmouthed asshole head. He kicked chairs when he wanted to get someone's attention and they chose to ignore him. He fought with another kid over scrap paper, of which there was an ample supply. He bothered other groups. He harassed kids who were working.

Here's what I wrote to the teacher:

Dear Mr. XXXX, For the most part, the students were good. But your R-3 class was right straight off the bus from hell, specifically XXX and XXX. A few of the kids in that class were okay, but on the whole, 90 percent of them I never want to see again as long as i live."

I hope he rips the living shit out of those little bastards on monday. mwa ha ha ha! Fuck with me when i'm your sub, you best watch out! This'll learn you. My car is gonna be SO keyed in the parking lot next week if they find out it's mine.

By the way, I thought this was an interesting article from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. They seem shocked that schools have to hire non-certified people to sub. Like me. To be honest, half the teachers I've known in my life don't want to teach at all in the first place.

My friend Wayne said at his school the subs are treated like absolute crap. It is the thankless job that no one except Peggy Hill wants. I'm not Peggy Hill, and I'm just going to do this for a while. I do not plan on making this a career. Nah. No thanks. Even when I hear from a kid "Oh, I heard you subbed the other day and you were cool..." I just don't want to do it forever. Screw'em.

Jessica got her report card today. After the day I had I was hoping for a great report and it was. She came up in things that I wanted her to, and improved in stuff I didn't think she would. She maintained others that she needed to maintain. Her teacher's comments were great and I was pleased.

She wants pizza as a reward. I'll give her a million pizzas based on the report card... she deserves it, and I'm so happy to read what she had sent back after dealing with the kids I had today.

One thing I noticed about sixth graders is -- they smell. They reek. No lie. Half the kids I had today possessed nasty ass body odor. They appear clean, but they are not. I got Jessica deodorant a few months back because between showers she just ain't fresh. And I think that some of the parents of my sixth graders need to do the same. Whew! Damn. Stink-o-rama! Not as bad as farting kid, but bad enough to make me wrinkle my nose.

Alright. My kids are raiding the cabinets. Doug should be home momentarily. I want to be ready to assail him with pleas for beer and pizza once he gets in the door, before he gets his shoes off and his dorm pants on. Then I'm the one who will end up going out to get food. And I sure don't want to. I may or may not get to write over the weekend. We shall see.

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