Monday, January 06, 2003

Grandma, we hardly knew ye...

Dateline: NEMA (Northeastern Massachusetts)
Time: 2:30 p.m.

Goddamnit, Bart! Grandma Got Gobbled:

Family Distraught, Seeking Replacement Through Clonaid or eBay

Mauled Granny with a side of Red Power Ranger and "Vulpix" Pokemon Card

Massachusetts State Police and the Essex County Coroner's Office report that "Grandma," the plastic Happy Meal-based alter-ego of Shirley F., of NY, died in a horrible fluffy puppy munching incident at the home of her daughter Christine.

"It is a sad and unfortunate day for parody," family spokesman Chad Sexington reported from the mountain of snow in front of the family estate. Speaking on behalf of Christine, "I loved my mother's sassy, rude alter ego, and I will miss her horribly. And my sister is so going to kick my ass. Oh man, I'm so screwed."

Eschewing any adventure but constantly put into peril by her rather disrespectful and un-loving children, Grandma wished for a quiet life. A life where she could without fear of reprisal smoke, watch TV, take naps, download scads of MP3s from KaZaA, burn mix CDs, order Chinese Take Away and play Nintendo for hours.

She retired from her "crappy no respect piece of shit" job on New Years Eve, a mere 7 days earlier and was looking forward to a long and lazy retirement lifestyle, without travel stress or bitchy bosses.

Ironically, Grandma turned her nose up at an offer to take a trip to Antarctica this winter with longtime family friend and confidant Aaron stating it was "too goddamn cold" there and the flight would be long and annoying, and sleeping in a tent with no Nintendo Game Cube at her disposal would cause undue stress and hardship.

"She should have gone," muttered Christine as she snuck past a line of rabid reporters outside the Essex County Courthouse in Haverhill. "But I let her stay here instead of hauling her bitchy ass to the airport. Goddamnit."

Jack Puppy, according to Massachusetts State Bylaw OU812, is too young to be incarcerated for this crime, and instead will have all his teeth removed to avoid future maulings, action figure eatings and other destructive behaviors.

The ACLU plans to file papers in Superior Court to block the dental extraction and has hired Jack Hannah as their celebrity spokesperson for the motion.

"Goddamnit, indeed"

The coroner's report shows that Jack Puppy, known throughout the region for his unrestrained chewing is "undoubtedly responsible," according to town Dog Warden Amanda Huckingiss. She is counseling the family on their options.

Police investigators state Grandma was in seclusion inside Christine's purse on the couch while she ran to the bathroom. When she returned, she heard munching.

"And then I saw the most God awful scene since the previews to the new "Dragnet" TV series starring that Al Bundy guy. My dog was chewing Grandma, and her muffled cries of "Ouch, Goddamnit!!!" and "Bart! BAAAAAAARRRRRT!!!" were echoing around inside his mouth. The horror. The horror."

Christine removed Grandma hoping that the damage would not be too extensive but was dismayed at what her wondering eyes did behold.

Here, exclusive to (a)musings, are secret photos of Grandma stolen from the County Coroner's office:

Damage to Grandma's head, face, glasses and hair was extensive. No amount of glue could be found to repair her feet, which are too hideous to post in this news report.

"eBay or Aliens... our only hope"

"It's a damn shame," muttered her son-in-law Doug, who will miss Grandma's demanding voice and constant smoking. "I mean, sure she drove me nuts when we drove all over the South west with her and pretty much ruined my damn vacation with her incessant bitching and moaning. The old biddy. But she still had some charm. And she could play a good "Animal Crossing" game... I learned a lot from her." Doug and a team of collectibles experts will be undertaking an extensive online search for her replacement.

Rumors of a deal with Clonaid and the Raelians are also circulating in the NEMA area, as Rael himself has offered to assist the family in replacing their lost love one.

"See, this is EXACTLY what we've been waiting for," said head Alien Nutjob Rael himself. "We are hoping that people die in horrible chewing accidents and then we can extract some DNA and make new ones of them. You'll thank me later."

Rael suggested deep-freezing Grandma until her DNA produces a viable head, face, hair, glasses, legs and feet for implantation on the body.

Grandma's Vicious Final Breath

Seconds before her untimely demise, and through her plastic-mush of a mouth, Grandma motioned for Christine to come closer, closer... She then said with her last exhale:

"You get nothing in my will. Nooooottttttthhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnng. Gahdahhhhmmmmmih."

Interment will be in the trash, or perhaps out of the car window as the family truck speeds past a sulfur mine. In lieu of flowers, buy yourself a nice dinner and say a quick Novena for the little plastic friend who gave so many hours of joy but didn't need any batteries. Grandma, rest in pieces.

For those of you unfamiliar with the legend of Grandma , please visit the Grandma's Adventure pages. There is one eBay auction on right now for "Recess" Happy Meal Toys, which includes 7 figures. I may just get in on that and buy it. We'll see.

Linda, you can drive up here and beat the shit out of me if it makes you feel better. You always told me that nothing bad better happen to Grandma and look what happens. I feel like a toad. So irresponsible.

I still recall the moment the Grandma legend was born, with you holding her up at your college graduation in the kitchen as you mimicked our dear mother's foibles. I still laugh as I see Virginia and Steve both catching right on and taking the concept and running with it much to Shirley's dismay and horror. A star was born... Hours of funfilled family entertainment were had, with us making fun of the Grandma... and Shirley was a good sport about it.

I can hardly believe that the last time we did a big Grandma pictorial was November 2001. It can't be that long ago! But it was. But like Tupac Shakur, we have many other installments waiting in the wings, and will put together other editions of Grandma's Adventures (Grandma goes South of the Border, in North Carolina! Grandma goes to Chicagoland, Grandma's Vegas Vacation!) But she lived large and in charge, she saw more of the country than we ever thought she could, and the world even!

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