Wednesday, November 26, 2003

BNL on Sharon Osbourne

Geoff wrote a poem. He insists that I share it with you now, for the ages... for the ages. Spanning time.

Snake baked a cake.
Jake came.
Jake takes the cake.
Snake fell in the lake!

Jack came back.
Jack sleeps in his sack.

Max gets in a tax.
Max goes to pax.

The end

Last night I forced myself to stay awake until 1am so that I could watch the Barenaked Ladies on the Sharon Osbourne program. I've always admired Sharon Osbourne, but she doesn't deserve a TV show. Really.

She has these guests on and asks stupid questions and then asks if they like Minnie, her little dog, she talks in babytalk, and they get all schmoopy and self congratulatory and ... gross.

So aside from some little excerpts over time, last night was the first full episode I've ever seen. If it hadn't finished up the way it did, I would have regretted every blasted second. I now recap the entire damn thing for you in painful minute detail. Stick around and read. I think you'll enjoy it.

The format of this week is 'sexy week,' and every guest has to bring something sexy with them, something they use that's sexy or makes them feel sexy.

She opens the show with Anthony Anderson... and I guess he's got his own TV show or something, and reading his bio the only thing I've ever seen him in is "Me, Myself, And Irene," where he played one of Jim Carey's three MENSA genius black sons. That was very funny, but I seriously have no recollection of seeing him anywhere else.

Sharon's website says: "Who better to co-host Sharon's pajama party than the often naughty, always hilarious Anthony Anderson?"

Often naughty? Always hilarious? Um, I'm not getting his naughty hilarity, or his hilarious naughtiness. But she's into him and totally enjoying herself.

And heretofore I shall refer to him as Mr. Named For What He's Feeling In The Moment.

Mr. Trying To Sex Up Ozzy's Wife is all into Sharon. They're both wearing sexy bathrobes, standing by a baby grand in the candlelight and he's all Teddy Pendergrasting her to death. He's feeding her chocolates and kool aid (cause "that's how we do it in tha hood," he tells her).

He plays piano for her, they get all schmoopy, he says "Ozzy I'm gonna steal your wife!" and they get all giggly and gropey and she's all into it and it's making me sick at this point.


The show takes place in a bed. A really really big bed. Sharon is world renown for always wearing her pyjamas, so I guess lounging around in a really big bed was the production company's genius.

She's in the bed with Minnie dog and Mr. Co-host Wife Stealing Guy introduces Ali Landry.

They show her Doritos 3D commercial that got all the guys hot & bothered a couple years ago. They interview her for hours and hours. And Mr. Horny For The Ladies In The Bed is all about how sexxxxay she is, and "Oooooh look at YOU in this FHM magazine. Oh I have really strong legs, here feel the muscles in my legs" and this goes on and on and on and on and Oh My God will someone go to commercial (I flip over to check the MNF game and see if the Giants can possibly win against my boy Chucky. They can't HA!)

Ali presents both of them gifts. For him, underwear (I guess boxer briefs are very sexy in her mind) and for Sharon a really nice pushy uppy bra thingie. Sharon models it over her jammies and everyone has a good laugh.

Okay shut up now and let's go to BNL!

But no. They go to Sharon interviewing Hugh Hefner and a ton of blonde bunnies. Hef talks about how Picasso had a blue period, he has a blonde period.

I go back to the football game.

I flip back, they're at the mansion, Sharon's getting a tour. Sharon's petting Hugh's pekey dog and babytalking to it.

I go back to the football game.

Back to Sharon's bed, I discover that there are now four playboy bunnies in the bed with Ali, Sharon and Mr. Oh My God I'm the Luckiest Man Alive. He. Is. In. His. Glory.

He's all surrounded by hot sexy women and he is loving loving LOVING every microsecond, every heart beat. He is getting progressively less tolerable as the minutes tick by. As a gift they bring Sharon bunny ears. "Where are Minnie's?" And everyone says "Aaaaawwwww, yeah! Minnie coulda used some bunny ears, couldn't you sweetieweetie Minnie winnie." I'm barfing on the hardwood at this point.

Where are BNL?

Well, because this is a talk show they ALWAYS save the musical act for the very very end of the program. Why break with formula and allow me to end this painful staying awakeness.

Mr. So Horny That Comforter Has Been Converted To A Tent is groping Ali Landry and groping Miss September 1999 and stating that he is going to steal Mrs. Osbourne from Mr. Osbourne. Sharon introduces Dita Von Teese, a burlesque dancer who has gained mass noteriety for being Marilyn Manson's girlfriend. She comes out and does this long and boring burlesque dance with two assistants in maid garb, and she rides a merry go round horse. Oh so provocative. Yawn. She's goth white, not too bad looking, but really. Who. Cares. Bring on the Barenaked Ladies for chrissake!

Dita ends up in the bed with Ali and Sharon and Mr. Now He's Not Even Remotely Funny Anymore, He's Massively Oversexed Annoying Guy. Dita brings her choice items for things that make her feel sexy out of a sexy bag. She's got a feather tickler, and a riding crop, and she's smacking Mr. Still Not Funny At This Point in the chest and he looks like he's just going to orgasm right there on the set. He's so happy.

Sharon introduces BNL.

The boys come out, dressed normally. They are showing the Video for "Another Postcard" on the monitors all over the stage and set, which was a super cool touch (IMO) and they rock out. Ed inserts alternate lyrics to what the chimps are doing, including "A chimp that barks at the moon" as massive homage to Ozzy himself.

They rock, Ed's mohawk is high and tight. Jim is rocking out on bass. All is looking good. The song ends and they immediately drop instrument and drop trou.

Yes. They drop trou.

They take off their pants, and in some cases manage to get off their shirts (Ed and Jim especially) and they go running over to Sharon's lovey wuvey bed and start jumping up and down and all over the place like crazed chimps in thongs.

Their asses are totally blurred out (they didn't blur out Dita von Tits, but hey... she didn't show nip in her "dance") and Ali Landry and Sharon are SCREAMING at the tops of their lungs as Jim and Ed are basically wanging right in front of them. The audience is going nuts.

Tyler ends up sitting next to Dita von Tits and she is AGHAST. The look on that woman's face was one of astonishment and realization that she had been one upped by naked Canadians. She thought she was the penultimate in sexy, Striptease as Art... Nudity as Art. But no. Trump card -- here's Ed in mauve thong.

Ed hops in bed next to Sharon, Steve and Kevin scoot in beside him. Ty is sitting out on top of the covers by Ms. Shocked to see someone with healthy skin tone for the first time in months and months (that's a slam on Marilyn Manson because he's so Elmers Glue colored) and Mr. I'm so into the Sexy Ladies But Not The Barenaked Naked Ladies has JUMPED out of bed and is standing as far away from the bed as he can manage.

They're all laughing at him, and Ed is trying to encourage him to come back into the bed, that it's okay. Mr. Aghast That Now There Are Men Other Than Him In Sharon's Bed insists that they're fine where they are and he's fine where he is.

Sharon manages to ask a few thoughtful questions, Ed tells her that growing up he had a Rush wall and an Ozzy wall. She asks him if he ever imagined he'd be in bed with Ozzy's Missus. Ed laughs and says that he sure did imagine that, only she'd be wearing the mauve thong.

Ed is clearly not pleased that Mr. Afraid Of Penis Other Than His Own is still sweating and twitching across the room. He tries encouragement one more time, and then jumps out of the bed, VAULTS the back of the couch and chases Mr. It's Not Funny Anymore!!! all through the studio audience, all around the set, and everywhere.

Mayhem ensues. The show ends in absolute chaos. Priceless.

By this point I'm laughing myself silly. Was it worth staying up until 1am to witness.


It is now 7:30pm on Wednesday. I wanted to post that entry last night but Doug needed the computer and then I fell asleep. There are tons of work related dramas going on. I'm happy to not have to go in for two days, and my dad brought a ton of microbrews from the distributor where he works. They'll be all frigging gone by tomorrow. Dad, Doug and I put the TV up into the built-in cabinet and it looks the balls. We're looking into getting an Xbox, PS2 or GameCube, and now that the TV is up there it will help us decide what to do and buy.

Not sure when I'll get another chance to write. So I wish you all a great relaxing Thursday, whether you celebrate a traditional Thanksgiving or not. Make use of the time you have to connect and tell people you're thankful for them. I'm thankful for each of you I've made connections with over the last 2 1/2 yrs. Thank you for being deeply in or on the periphery of my life.

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