Friday, June 22, 2007

File this under we've lost our collective minds

I love when there is a news story that leaves me with my mouth hanging open agape with surprise. It does not happen a lot, because honestly, nothing shocks me anymore. But...

The "I'm not a plastic bag" bag story is the latest in a string of "you've got to be shitting me" stories that have come down the pike, and I'm just plain stunned at the collective stupidity of the product, the concept, and the frenzied rabid mouth frothing attention surrounding it.

The news reported that over in Europe people went batshit psycho out of their minds for this stupid bag, which will retail in the US for about $15 bucks. This "coveted accessory" will advertise the bag-holder's love for the earth and environment. Sad thing is, it is ugly beyond all imagination.

I don't care what it is made of, it looks assy. It LOOKS stupid, and ... feh. It's retarded. Yes, I said it. It is retarded. It gets better though, dear reader. The news broadcast informed me that this "cheap" bag (cheap at twenty bucks) is going for hundreds of dollars on eBay.

The "I'm not a plastic bag" fever continues to rise like a rogue wave of stupidity across the planet. Reports are that haute couture types like Stella McCartney will be introducing versions of this idea of their own, which will retail for hundreds of dollars.

Are you kidding me?

I need a designer to step up and make this with me. I want to brand/develop/create a bag. I want a bag right now that says "I'm not a douchebag." They will retail for five bucks a bag. Proceeds to go to Reverb, Rock for a Remedy and the Greater Boston Food Bank. Will Stella McCartney make me one? Again, I totally doubt it.

Maybe Think Geek will step up and make them for us. We can wear this t-shirt while carrying our cool new "I'm not a douchebag" totes all over America. (and yes -- I emailed them with my suggetion. They take suggestions, which is beyond cool. So many companies like them don't want to hear from the public. I'm just hoping they agree that my idea is righteous and awesome).

If so, I want a slice of the bag money. Even if it is just a wee bit. The rest goes to the aforementioned organizations that really DO make a difference in the world, instead of hanging off Paris Hilton's shoulder when she gets sprung from the pokey and does her big Meredith Vieira interview (and you know there will be one hanging off that bony skeletor about 3 seconds after she's out...)

Are ya with me people!? Revolution starts at home.

I love the environment and the planet and all that stuff, but things are going too far with this bag and Sheryl Crow asking you to wipe your ass with one square when she's jetting all over the planet for her shows (yes, yes, she buys carbon offsets, but really -- do those WORK??? I mean... it is like buying indulgences from the Catholic Church in Medieval times to get out of Purgatory faster, isn't it?)

Look, people. To be honest -- if you REALLY love the environment, really want to do things to help, you should recycle the bags from the grocery store that you got LAST week. Use them until they disintegrate. Don't take another one from Stop N Shop or DeMoulas or Safeway or anything until the bags you have just fall to tiny shreds.

Better yet, if you want to spend some money, buy a couple of heavy duty nice canvas bags from LL Bean. I have had one for over 25 years and that thing is a workhorse. These monster totes mean business, kick ass and last for ever and a day. They go through the washing machine, they stand up in the back of the car when filled with gear or groceries.

And what is even better, dear friends all over the planet, what is even better is LL Bean replaces things when they tear or fall apart. Will this Anya Hindmark bird refund your money or give you a new one when that flimsy assed strap snaps off your shoulder as you're canoodling around town? Doubt it.

And if you're totally vain and the bag HAS to say something, well then darling, get your Monogram put on the bag! Personalize it! Don't have some crackpot marketing gimmick worked up by some think-tank goobers emblazoned on your bag.

You shouldn't be vomiting cash into some moonbat designer's coffer so her personal stock and wealth rise, while you look like a dingbat walking around announcing to the world that your bag is proud to not be made of plastic. Big whoop. I do not see the point in buying a bag made by a "designer" to announce to the world that the damn bag isn't made of plastic. Who gives a crap. I bet it doesn't do a good job carrying groceries from the soccer mom mobiles, and that it rips easily. Within months and there will be pantloads of these stupid trendy pieces of crap in garbage bags.

Will someone take a Sharpie to each of them and correct the text to "I am a garbage bag" after that happens? I volunteer.

Get in line behind me if you want to help.

This is just sad and wrong. It really is. Pathetic, sad, wrong and misses the point entirely for helping the earth and doing the right thing. I predict this time next year, the Salvation Army and Building 19 will be chock full of these bags and all the spawny little rip-offs that the fad will generate. It disgusts me.

No comments:

Post a Comment