Thursday, November 18, 2010

This is how most of my nights go...

  • 10pm, Doug goes to bed. I'm not tired yet so I put on some CSI or My Name Is Earl on the DVR and watch.
  • 12 midnight, I finally go upstairs after two hours of trolling on facebook and being an utter creeper.
  • Doug is snoring. I get in bed, cover my head with a pillow and turn the radio up a little louder. Which is bad, because I actually am paying attention to Jerry Doyle and his talk show, and don't start to fall asleep at all.
  • 2am, Gonzo the pain in the ass dog who can walk all over the house in the pitch dark comes and stands in my bedroom door and whines for help. He seems to not know how to find the doggie bed in the dark.
  • voof, voof.... voof. I ignore him.
  • mmmmmm, eeeeeeee. voof? I ignore him.
  • arrrrruuuuuu.... mmmmmm. Voof Voof VOOF! I ignore him.
  • Finally he starts barking for help.
  • I get out of bed, fixin' to kill, and he comes to me wagging his stupid tail, and flops his ass down on the doggie bed.
  • 2:30am, Doug is snoring up a storm and I'm contemplating poking Gonzo repeatedly with my foot every thirty seconds to see how he likes not being allowed to sleep.
  • poke, poke, poke. How do you like that, you jackass. Huh? It's annoying? Sorry.
  • poke, poke, poke. Oh, I'm sorry, you can't fall asleep if you're being poked? Now you know that it feels like to be prevented from falling asleep by someone annoying you.
  • But I don't. I just think about it and grow more and more agitated.
  • 3am, Brodie hears something outside and jumps off the bed and tears ass downstairs barking her ass off.
  • I get out of bed after a few minutes of her barking and yell at her to come upstairs. She ignores me.
  • I go downstairs and grab her collar and pull her to the stairs.
  • 3:30am, kitchen door opens. Gonzo is downstairs sneaking to the garbage to pull it over and eat out of it.
  • I go downstairs and catch him red handed. He sheepishly heads back upstairs and has no problem finding the doggie bed.
  • 4am, Doug is snoring like a chainsaw, I lay down and pray for some to hit me over the head with a frying pan.
  • Sometime between 4am and 5am, I fall asleep.
  • 5am, Doug's first alarm clock goes off. He sits up and hits snooze.
  • 5:15am, his cell phone alarm goes off. Loud as hell, scares the crap out of me.
  • 5:20am, Geoff's alarm clock goes off. He gets up promptly and gets in the shower. I know this because he walks like an elephant through our house.
  • 5:30am, more alarm clocks go off in our room. I'm now ready to kill someone.
  • 6am, Doug gets up. Finally.
  • 6:30am, my alarm clock goes off. I go down and make sure Geoff has everything he needs for school. Doug is in the shower. I get back in bed
  • 6:45am, Doug comes in the bedroom, running late, turns on lights, can't find matching socks. Makes all kinds of noise. I'm officially ready to rain down fire.
  • 7am, Doug leaves.
  • 7:05am, Geoff leaves.
  • 7:15am, I fall back asleep. And I get the best sleep of the night in the day, snoozing solidly until 11am or later, depending on if the phone rings or a dog barks or the trash truck comes late or early. It is a good thing I am unemployed.
Wash, rinse, repeat. During the summer this isn't a problem as we have fans blowing or the air conditioner blasting. But once it turns cold might nights turn noisy.

There are a number of things I could do, in theory. I could sleep in Jess' bed. I could sleep on the futon in the study, if I clean it off but that's a whole other story... I could sleep on the couch, but it is so uncomfortable I end up feeling like no sleep is better than the little sleep I get off that thing.

Doug is going for an overnight sleep study tonight. His snoring has gotten worse over the years and he wakes up almost as exhausted as me. I don't understand how people can sleep through snoring. Aren't their heads vibrating? Aren't they aware of that sensation going through their noses and faces (and bed). How do they sleep through it?

Obviously not well, as Doug is attesting. And I certainly cannot enjoy our marriage bed with as bad as it has gotten for him. I know that one of the major contributors is his weight gain. Since we stopped Geocaching, he's packed on the pounds, and now he has gout in his toes, and he's a mess. He can't hike without pain, and he's just plain miserable.

I have a feeling they'll tell him to lose 50 pounds, and that they will recommend a CPAP. And he will be even more miserable.

I remember when Clayton's snoring got so bad that he was snoring while he was awake, and he had to get one. He hated it. Absolutely hated it. He chose heroin for sleeping better instead of using the CPAP. So I only hope Doug makes better choices than using heroin as a sleep aid.

Hopefully tonight I'll get a really good night's sleep though.


  1. Why don't you start being a night person -- stay up all night, get work done, go out partying, etc. -- and sleep during the day?

  2. good suggestion bill. maybe i will!