So it has been a long time, hasn't it, since I mentioned the situation with our mortgage. I put a self-imposed gag order on my writing since they pulled all my entries about the situation out in the deposition in 2012. I've never self censored but ... here I did. I don't have much to say about it, except that it continues.
On Tuesday we have a court date where our lawyer and their lawyer meet up and I guess they go before a judge and argue the case. Neither Doug nor I will be there. We don't have to be. So my heart goes with my lawyer and my hopes are that our arguments are sufficient.
Our position hasn't changed, and neither has "The Bank That Shall Not Be Named" as my friend David called them. I want to be confident in this and say this will be the big thing that fixes all but I'm so sad and worn down from this that I honestly can't say that.
So I'm asking that you pray for me, and for Doug and for our lawyer. Remember, I've called our lawyer "my Gandalf." And Doug is my Samwise. I'm still feeling as low as Frodo before making it to Mt. Doom, and I feel we're still stuck long before the part where the ring gets thrown into the mountain... not for lack of trying but ... you know what I mean.
And then I got to thinking about the subject of prayer. Not just in this instance, but in all instances in life. The other night I was listening to late night/early morning AM radio and Coast to Coast was on. I love that show when they're talking crazy crap about space aliens and shadow people and UFOs and the like. George Noory had a guy on who was talking about how he just thinks about something and it comes true. I don't remember the details, but he said he wanted to take a vacation and an hour later he had someone hand him plane tickets to Florida. He wanted something else and wished for it. And it happened.
He was telling the listeners that all they had to do was think about it, wish for it, without breaking a sweat, and it would happen.
That's dangerous and that's bullshit.
Now, several of you who are friends with me disagree with me about God, even his existence. But I believe in Him, and I believe in prayer. I don't believe that you ask God or the Universe or Mojo Jojo or whatever you want to call it for something so specific that it just shows up.
I don't believe in the Joel Osteen "believe in it and it will happen!" kind of prayers. I don't believe in this just think about it hard enough and it will happen! If that were the case, this would all be over by now.
When I was in college, we had a dean of chapel who would stand up and preach really hard, with amazing fervent passion, and he told us all that if our prayers aren't coming true, it's because our God isn't big enough in our heart or minds. We have to believe harder! How painfully sad. How ill advised to tell a 19 year old that his or her prayers are not being answered because their God "isn't big enough." Over and over again I heard this, and I do know that several people surrounding me at that time gave up, literally gave up on their relationship with God.
If believing something and praying about it would fix things, no child would be dead in Africa from starvation or AIDS or war. You think those guys don't pray hard enough? How arrogant to think that your prayers here in the USA for something would be granted because you prayed harder than a child in Darfur, so you win. You got that job promotion. You got that bargain on the new car that saved you money. Aww yeah. How horrible. 8 billion of us on this earth and you prayed that traffic would be good for you this morning and you got to the meeting on time even though YOU were the idiot who overslept because you drank too much. Sorry, little kid sitting in a pile of shit with flies all over her eyeballs. My prayer got answered.
I think I've prayed hard enough that things should start exploding around me like Freaking Drew Barrymore in "Firestarter" if wishing and deep passion about this subject were the case.
You'd better believe it'd be over with if only my prayers were counted as part of the situation.
I was taught another way of praying. You never ask God to give you what you want. You let God know what your feelings are, what your needs are, and then you ASK that His will be done, and your heart be open to it, even if it doesn't match your personal vision. You ask that God's will be done. Period. I pray for the other lawyers as well as my lawyer. I pray for the judge, I pray for all parties involved.
And if you are from the Bank That Shall Not Be Named lawyer's office, as I do know that y'all have read my journal in the past and are probably still reading it, do know that I pray for you, whether or not you believe in God. I just want everyone to be happy, I want everything to be satisfactory. I want for love and peace and justice. I want what Micah tells us God requires of us, that we love justice, do mercy and walk humbly with Him.
And I ask you echo. Thanks.