Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Fear of dependency

I am thumb typing in the dark while doug and dogs sleep. Any mistakes i will come back and fix later. It is about 4:45 in the morning. I have been trying to sleep since about 10 pm. I rarely sleep through the night. Three dogs in the room and they play blanket roulette.  Gonzo has specific spots he likes to be in and if brodie is in that spot or too close to it he whines.

Jack sometimes wakes up and stands next to me and wags his tail in adoration.  This knocks things off the bedside table. Eventually i pat him and he goes back down on the floor. My hand still on his furry head because i feel like i should touch and love him as much as possible before...  you know.

The past couple of days my lower back has been in horrible pain from being in bed or on the couch. I am trying a series of physical therapy exercises that my good friend marcia taught me. This seems to be helping. I am weak and uncomfortable all the time and i am officially sick of feeling awful.

Tonight between unhappy dogs, one foot that was ice cold and refusing to warm up even with wool socks and a hot water bottle, muscle spasms, restless leg syndrome, and anything else that wanted to bug the shit out of me i just couldn't take it anymore.

I have been trying not to take the prescription pain medication because i am not in pain. Instead i am just taking tylenol for discomfort.  The surgical area feels good.  It is the entire rest of my stupid body that is uncomfortable at this point.

I got up at about 3 am and took one percoset. My feet warmed up. The muscle spasms stopped. The twitching stopped. I slept for about 90 minutes which was nice. Now i am awake again and the twitching is starting up agin.

This worries me. I am afraid that maybe i am developing a dependence on the pain killers or something...  and i don't want that to happen obviously.  It may be unrelated... but my mind jumps to these conclusions often.

I am going to try to go back to sleep for a bit... fingers crossed. And i hope my mind stops thinking about addiction.  Please make my brain stop for a little while,  okay God.... ? Thanks


  1. It boggles my mind why doctors don't send seriously ill or post-surgical patients home with a document explaining what's going to happen -- to their bodies when on hard-core rest like you are, and to their minds while they're healing. Healing takes a huge amount of energy, and almost always has to happen at a point where you don't have any at all, so it also brings you down emotionally. All of that, plus not moving all day long, is going to make it difficult for anyone to sleep. If you've never tried Tylenol PM, maybe give that a shot? My husband's father swears by it for inducing non-addictive sleep. You're almost done with week two of six, you're getting there! Remember to give yourself some grace. :)

  2. I second everything above!