"You drive like you're lost and you drive like an asshole."

Today as I was driving to work, I got stuck behind a woman driving an SUV talking on her cell phone. Her green vehicle was covered with hippie stickers like "Imagine" and "Give Peace a Chance" and "USA out of the world NOW" and the like.

She was going exactly half of what the posted speed limit was (for those of you keeping score at home, half of 30 is 15). She slowed down as she came to each and every side street off the main road we were on. I figured she was talking to someone and getting directions, and was looking at the street signs to see whether she had hit the right road... and in my heart of hearts I was begging for her to be merciful to the masses and just pull the hell over. I looked in my rear view mirror to see traffic backed up to Cambridge behind me. Mind you, we were in Marblehead, so for those of you unfamiliar with Eastern Massachusetts geography, that's a stinking huge back up. Cambridge, I say!

She went to make a left hand turn, put her blinker on and everything. Hallelujah, says I. I went to go pass her, the way people do, and she changed her mind, sped up, got in front of me again and slowed down to the woeful speed of 15 mph.

Yes, I beeped.

At this point, I could have ditched and bailed and gone down some random side street to get around her. Chances were, though, that I would get stuck behind a landscaping truck, or a tourist from Indiana, or another woman driving 15 mph talking on her cell phone.

We got to the VFW, and she pulled into the parking lot. I decided that she must be lost, and I thought I'd be a good neighbor and ask her if she needed help. I was honestly concerned for her. I know the town well enough that I could help her get to some major landmark, maybe not one of the tiny sidestreets but I could at least offer to help. I try, ya know?

The passenger side window of her vehicle was down, so I pulled into the lot and parked beside her. She gave me a sideways glance as I rolled down my window.

"Are you lost?" I asked in my most concerned voice.

"What?" She asked me, giving me this lip-curly surly look.

"Are you lost or something? Do you need some help?" I asked a bit louder, now believing this aging hippie, this woman about 10 years older than I am but the guess of it, was just plain fucking daft.

She gave me this look of absolute incredulity, and sneered at me hissing "NO!" Like I was a fucktard for even asking her. Like I had some sort of damn NERVE or something. Well, excuse me for caring, beeotch.

"You drive like you're freakin' lost!" I yelled.

I got ready to unleash a can of verbal whoopass on her, I was going to say things like:

"Hey, why don't you "Imagine" driving the speed limit!!"
and/or
"'Give the drivers behind you a chance' instead of just giving peace a chance, jerkass!"
and/or
"You! Assy! Out of the world of drivers NOW!"

Her cell phone rang and she picked it up, giving me the "hold on a second" finger motion with her other hand. Oh, no she didn't. She did NOT just gesture to me to "hol'on a sec" as I'm about to kick her crappy driving ability ass. She started babbling into the phone and I just blurted out:

"You drive like you're lost and you drive like an asshole."

Nowhere NEAR as clever as my wordplays on her bumperstickers. I yelled that, and I drove away. If I see her again... I may have to get out and kick her. Hard. I got to my office and was furious. I needed to kick something. Shove someone. I wanted to go back to the VFW and see if she was still there just so I could yell "Yeah? What. You want some of this? Bring it on..."

But work got busy and I quickly forgot about the incident until I was just now sitting here pondering what I would share. I will say, I'll keep my eyes out for this one. She looked quintessentially Marbleheadian... not a "yummy mommy" in an SUV, but a limousine liberal of sorts, with her hippie stickers and her greasy assed hair and way more expensive than the GNP of most African Nations vehicle. I'll kick her ass. I will.

And before you get me wrong, I love hippies. I love young hippies and aging hippies. I love that people want to give peace a chance and stuff like that. Whatever. Just whatever you do, hippie, commie, ultra-right wing mental case, whatever you are -- do not get in front of me and talk on your cellphone and drive like an asshole. And do NOT give me that air of disbelief when I lovingly take my time to ask if you need a hand. I will rip you a new one, so help me Jebus.

If my kids had been with me, they would have both quoted Ed in the BNL Rock Spectacle CD where he yells 'Lady, you're an IDIOT!' Because they're that way.

Anyway. That's about it. I can't believe it is freaking raining again... but it is what it is and I'm gonna go hang out with the fandamily. Talk at you later.