And this is goodbye

Today we took Brodie on her last car ride, to the vet. For. 

You know. 

This picture is from last night - Doug and I have been taking turns sleeping on the couch. Last night was horrible for her. And for me. 

She just cried and cried. And so did I.

The past couple of months, I've shared her story. 

It is a story of decline. In June, she was able to jump up on the couch and look out the window, sit with me while I did tech support. 

In past days, not being able to lift her head or stand up at all. Peeing while on her bed, distressed about it (because she knows you are not supposed to pee inside). Unable to eat, but hungry. So thirsty, but only able to sit up for a little while and lick the water. 

Last night I was holding her and a bowl of water, and she threw her anvil head around, spilling the water everywhere. All over me, the rug, her bed, herself. Everywhere. Such a small amount of water, but she managed to send it to all points within reach. 

I admit, this was about the most frustrated I got with her. I let her slip out of my lap, onto her wet bed and I went in the bathroom to cry.

It was time. 

Doug was of the mindset that she was going to pass soon. And he wanted for her to do that here, at home, with us. The way our county works, if you bring your dog to the vet, you can't go in. They come out to meet you, take your pet inside. Your pet gets shots, checkup, whatever. 

I had called the vet to ask about this and if we could be inside with her and they said no. They gave me the names and numbers of two companies that do in-home visits, but this afternoon it was clear. Doug and I decided we just wanted to go to their office. 

We had Geoff say goodbye before he left for work. Part of me thought we could go one more day to get to Saturday, and call one of the at-home companies. but. 

It was time. 

Not being allowed to go inside with your pet, it is hardly a fair set up, but "due to these uncertain times..." it is the rule of the county. 

I feel I cannot be too mad. 

I have a friend who was forbidden to be at her papa's side as he died in a Boston hospital a few months ago. He did not have Covid - he died of brain cancer. But the fact that she was not allowed to be with him in his hospice situation, that they took his phone away so she could not call and do evening prayers with him, I know.

 I know. I had a place I could turn my loved one over to, with confidence and no fear.

There are people with people who have suffered amazing indignities and loneliness in the past few months. Things that outweigh and out matter. 

I know.

We told her we were going for a ride. 

Doug picked her up and I brought her dog bed to the car. We settled in. She seemed unconcerned. It wasn't for quite a bit before she noticed we were in the car, and lifted her head. 

Going for a ride was always a top 5 favorite thing for her. But she was oblivious to what we were doing for the first ten minutes until she noticed... car! She sat up, looking around. Excited.

I told Doug to roll the windows down, and I held her up and showed her outside. It gave me so much joy to see her interested in what was happening.

She sniffed a lot, and hard. I couldn't quite scoot over to stick her head out the window, but this girl always did love a car ride. 

At the vet, they met us in the parking lot. Part of me wanted to take a picture of the beautiful vet tech just holding her in his arms with confidence, and the look on her face of being ... unbothered. I kissed her. I told her she was amazing and brave. The girl told me she would be right there, and that Brodie would know she was cared for, and loved. I believed her.

While I felt confident handing Brodie over to my vet's office and their beautiful and capable staff it fucking sucked whole ass and I'm shook to the core that for the first time since 1994, I have no dog.

I have no dog.

To me, this is unreal. 

We started with Missy with a trade for a cat, and while we had Missy we obtained Kinger. Missy had to be put to sleep, and then Kinger was alone. so the kids begged for a friend for him, so we got Jack. Kinger was hit by a car,  and then Jack was alone. The kids felt Jack now needed a friend so we got Brodie. Aaron and Michelle separated, and we ended up with Gonzo.

So at that point, we had three dogs at once. And today, today we have none. 

It is so weird. 

I want to write a lot about her. I feel like Jack was always the best dog I ever had, and Gonzo was the smartest, but Brodie, I want to tell her story and remember her always as the sweetest thing.

I may need a little time. 

A lot of time.

Pictured here - me and Brodie,  June 2006. Right after we got her. I still have that T-shirt.