Tuesday, January 17, 2012

What I will tell you

I got deposed today.

I will not write any details about the deposition, because blog entries are printed out after you write them and people question you about what you meant at the time you wrote them.

Which is nice when you're painting a picture of yourself as Frodo, with Sam by your side. And months or dates don't match up with things because you're writing off the top of your head in a flurry of finger flicks.

I still do feel like Frodo. And whenever I see that scene in LOTR when Sam is begging Frodo, "Do you remember the Shire?" and strawberries and all that .... just the THOUGHT of it makes me cry.

And as Doug is my Samwise Gamgee, my lawyer is my Gandalf. I wanted him to know that today, and I think it made him happy. How on earth do you appropriately thank your personal Gandalf?

Suffice to say, it's done. I went in, I was scared, I was nervous, but I got through it without requiring anti-freak out medication, passing out, vomiting or any other of the many bodily functions I may or may not have felt like doing.

What I will tell you is at 1:45 this morning Jess came into our bedroom and woke us up from sound sleep. I had been worried that I would not be able to sleep at all, but that wasn't a problem. My head hit that pillow last night and I was out cold. So to be roused at an ungodly hour when only the Baking Fairy is awake, it was a surprise.

"We have a leak in the livingroom." she tells us as she turns on the light to REALLY wake us up. I had heard her say "hey guys," but I thought she was talking to the dogs, not to us.

Funny, she didn't say "um, mom?" I hope my sister laughs at that. Jess' whole life, she's walked up to me and said "um, mom?" when she has a question. Lately she just calls me "hey lady," which is a joke between us and two of the little kids who go to our church. I'll tell you that story another time.

Doug and I went downstairs and sure enough there was gushing water coming from the baseboard in the livingroom. Jess had been sitting here watching Craig Ferguson when it happened. The house felt like a Sauna, the wood floor soaking up the hot water smelled wonderful. But I knew that wasn't good. My house should not smell like a scandinavian sauna, or a russian Banya...

Jess had grabbed some towels and Doug went downstairs to try and find which valve did what to where. We spent about two hours until we figured out we'd better just shut all the valves down, the house would stay warm enough for the next few hours for sleeping. We'd call the plumber in the morning with  fresh eyes and a little sleep under our belts. I think I fell asleep around 4:30. Doug got up at 5:15 and let me sleep until 6.

Jess stayed awake and kept the woodstove going so the room would be warm. She's a champ like that. Doug and I left and took the 7am train.

What I will tell you is that I rushed home on the train as Doug was going in to get deposed so I could meet the plumber.

He is here now, fixing our leak and I dispatched my daughter to bed...

What I also will tell you is that I took the T (the Subway for those of you not from around here) after the deposition to North Station. When I got off the T, I walked past a lot of people. For some reason today, people made eye contact with me, and I smiled.

A beautiful black woman with bright pink lipstick and big thick lenses in her glasses, and a bright pink knit cap smiled and closed her eyes and she whispered "hello" as we passed. I smiled back at her as big as I could. A lanky older hispanic man walked past me with his headphones in. He was grooving to his beat and he smiled at me. When I smiled back, he laughed and tossed his head back.

Person after person walking towards me were smiling at me.

I started to shake a little.  I  started to cry as well. Each smile made me feel safer, protected, loved. I'm crying sitting here typing this out. On this day of all days all of Boston was loving me and speaking to me making me feel like it was alright. Everything is alright. You're fine. Lay away your worry. It's okay.

On the train, after the conductor took my ticket, I just sat there and cried like a freaking idiot, wiping my eyes with the inside of my jacket because I wasn't prepared for tears. I had no tissues, no nothing. I felt just so relieved and so tired. And so loved. How do I deserve such a love as this?

So, thank you everyone in the city who smiled at me. I should have hugged at least one of you.

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