It could be worse

"I just don't know what to do with myself
I don't know what to do with myself
...
and now that we're through
I just don't know what to do"
-the White Stripes

---

No, my marriage isn't over. That would suck above and beyond all imagination, and I don't think I would be able to sit here and write a coherent thought (not that I do on a regular basis anyway).

The above referenced song is a break up song. And the break up that has occurred is between me and my employer. I got dumped. Man, I always get dumped.

I'm laid off again. Almost 2 years after the first time I got laid off, 10 months after I took this HR job... I lose it.

But, it could be worse. On top of getting laid off...

• I could be pregnant.
• I could be on the verge of losing my house.
• I could have no sense of humor at all.
• I could have unimaginable 3rd world style debt (well, that's not far from the reality of my life).
• I could have no primary income winner in my life like my lovely husband.
• My tenants could tell us they're moving out (I just had a long talk with P and they have no intention of ever leaving. They're deep in debt, and finding someplace to live at the rate we currently charge is a near impossibility).
• I could have no alcohol (apologies to those of you who abstain and may find offense, but I had a nice carafe of sangria last night at dinner with my husband, and that made me smile).
• I could have no dogs who love me.
• I could have no marketable skills to speak of, and an IQ of 70 (in which case, I doubt that I'd be sitting here blogging and designing websites for fun).
• I could have a child in a Boston hospital suffering from Viral Meningitis.

It's a mixed blessing, but it didn't "go down" the way I'd foreseen. See, in the back of my mind I knew that once they placed someone in A's vacant position (which was vacated when she moved up to department manager when S left) that they would eliminate my position.

I mentioned that I saw this as a possibility to A during a lunch that we had out last week. She seemed honestly stunned that I'd even THINK that would be an option. She wanted a full 2.5 person department. I told her that I did too, that it would rock, but that from a business standpoint I honestly believed that they'd eliminate my position, and that I was cool with it.

If there is anything that I am -- it's an unabashed realist.

But... I thought that I'd work up until the new person's start date, or even wonderfully a few months into the transition...But keeping me on in that respect seems to not be an option. So yesterday I was told it would be too weird for me to train my replacement. I would have 3 weeks of time to possibly access sensitive information and doom the company or some such justification. And it would be better if I left now. I was kind of stunned -- I mean really. Honestly. My unabashed realism was taken by absolute surprise. I was hijacked. Stunned. Virtually speechless. And I started laughing, which is something that I do at inappropriate times.

A and I talked about it, I told her that I had several little loose ends floating around that I really wanted to clean up, so I worked until about 3pm (she pulled me in her office at 1pm and told me). And she told me to come in today and say goodbye, but that she didn't expect me to work. I still had some things to ship to our California plant, so I took care of that. And I went in and did my thing.

I got the opportunity that few people get at this location -- I got the chance to say goodbye to people. I didn't really have that opportunity when I got laid off in 2002. So I walked through the plant, and targeted folks that I love there to let them know I will miss them.

All my spanish and cambodian peeps. All the people who made my trips through their building to walk to shipping an absolute joy. So I'm very glad for that. A couple of them -- it looked like I broke their hearts. But it is what it is and I had to do it. Going through the office was hard. Even though I felt like I never totally fit in here, I know now that I was loved.

And in the end whatever reasons or justification for letting my hard-workin' but very bored ass go, it's no big thing. That's their decision ... fine. Whatever. I'm okay with it, but... the thing that really baffles me most is that A is left hanging in the breeze, seemingly stunned that she loses me 3 full weeks before the person comes in.

And what if the new candidate changes her mind? Where does that leave A? It doesn't seem right or professional on their part to have let me go today.

Of course, I look back on this experience and question things about me. Perhaps I'd been too open about my personal life. Perhaps I should have applied for the full time position there. But no. You all know I have not been 100% fulfilled vocationally in this job for several months now. My kids' schedule is important, and if push came to shove (like it has) a fulltime job in my future would NOT be an HR position. I would want a web design, teaching, training position... something like I had at CMGI where I got laid off in 2002. I've felt as if I'm not on the right train since the day I got dropped off at that unemployment station.

I took the job because it had features that were appealing to me, but not because I wanted to grow into a full fledged HR Generalist. Now, if I cannot find another part time or telecommuty job, I'll apply for full time jobs and figure out what to do with the kids after school when that bridge is in front of me waiting to be crossed.

I got two weeks severance. Now I look for another job. It's done and over. And part of me is singing the White Stripes song above. I honestly really just don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. But. We'll take it one day at a time, as it were. As it is what it is.

That's about it for now. I have a website to upload for a client and some surfing to do. I'll post more later. I do believe that BNL is on Conan O'Brien tonight for Canada week. Shit I'm so forcing myself to stay up and watch... 12 hours from now! Yikes. Normally I'm out cold by 10pm. But... BNL, baby. I'm so there.

And with that, I say later.