Oh, you have got to be kidding

"You wait for fate to bring about the changes in life
which you should be bringing about yourself."
-Douglas Coupland, "Shampoo Planet"

In New England, we usually get snow. This year, we've gotten literally next to nothing. But a rumor has it that all this will change, right before we are slated to leave for vacation, and I am incredulous right now.

As I've mentioned, not to rub it in or anything, we're going on vacation. And yes, we are driving. We were planning on leaving Thursday afternoon. And. Well.

This was just posted by the National Weather Service in Taunton, and all I can say is they have got to be shitting me.

CONFIDENCE IS INCREASING FOR A WINTER STORM TO AFFECT SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND ...

BASED UPON THIS TRACK...THERE IS THE POTENTIAL FOR A SIGNIFICANT ACCUMULATING SNOWFALL THROUGHOUT MOST OF SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND BEGINNING LATE TUESDAY NIGHT AND LASTING INTO EARLY THURSDAY.

STRONG NORTH TO NORTHEAST WINDS ARE ALSO POSSIBLE ... PERHAPS GUSTING AS HIGH AS 50 MPH DURING THE HEIGHT OF THE STORM LATE WEDNESDAY AND WEDNESDAY NIGHT.

I'm sorry, what? There has been a total of less than 2 inches of snow recorded in Boston so far this year.

At our house, a little ways north and west of the city, we got about 3 inches a week ago last Friday, of which a disgusting and angry, dirty inch remains on the ground right now. That is all we have in the form of snow so far this year.

To be honest, I'm okay with that. I'm not a big fan, and I had rather gotten quite used to the no-snow situation here.

In fact, many of us were relieved to see the Groundhog shadowless this year, because it has been a non-event winter, and we're hopeful for a more fun and pretty "normal" spring (because last spring sure as hell wasn't normal in these parts). I personally was looking forward to a jumpstart of spring, just to get things looking differently around here without the difference being a thick blanket of white.

And, I'm really REALLY looking forward to vacation.

But no. Winter will make a glorious comeback. And you know that even if this storm STOPS on Thursday, that the roads will not be cleared, that they will be a humongous mess all day, probably even into Friday. Everyone around here has forgotten how to drive in snow, and we'll be killed immediately upon departure. That would be our luck. Some guy who forgot what it is like to drive in snow (or, someone from Brazil or warmer climes who has NEVER driven in snow) will crash into us and our vacation will be uber ruined.

All I can hope for is that yet again the assclowns at the National Weather Service are smoking crack, the way they usually are, and this forecast is nothing but the delusional rantings and ravings of a bunch of stoned scientists who look at maps of air all damn day.

They've been so wrong, so many times, so often... and all I can hope for is that they are so far off the mark that it isn't even funny.

If this is the one time that they start calling for a Category Four Death Storm, right as I'm supposed to be driving out of state, and it happens, I'll be pissed. They can't get anything right the whole rest of the damn year. They don't know whether it will rain or snow or how many inches of either we'll get.

So often they prognosticate the big assed storm, they get everyone all worked up in a frenzy, all the bread in New England flies off the shelves. All the milk is purchased. People run around freaking out that it is going to be the end of the world (Longtime readers of this journal know how much I enjoy watching the masses lose their shit over weather forecasts). What happens? The storm is a dud. A great, big, fat dud.

This, my friends, is my prayer -- that these dorky jerkbags with all of their equipment and weather models and NOAA water temperature and barometer reading predictions are so wrong, that they'll be apologizing on Friday morning to you on TV as I'm somewhere in North Carolina, putting the Fleece in the back of the hatchback and switching my boots to sandals.

Yes. That is my only hope.

Okay -- God? Hi. It's me. I don't phone in many favors to you on my own behalf. I'm usually always praying for sweetness and light and your divine intervention and blessing of your holy spirit onto someone else's life.

But could you cut a good friend a break? Keep the snow out to sea and send it to Canada or something. Bar Harbor. Downeast Maine. Somewhere north and east of me. And leave me, my car, my family and my vacation unencumbered.

Thy will be done, but pretty please? Can it swing to my advantage. I thank you in advance for your attention in this manner. In Jesus' name, Thanks. Amen.

(ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease...)