Hello 5am

I took this picture a few days ago.
She gets herself into some mighty amusing situations.

I decided to give up. I am pretty wide awake. For the last hour I've been very awake and I decided to come here to the living room, write, and exorcise the sleepless demons.

My nights are peppered with spans of time when I am awake, and as outlined here repeatedly it is usually dog related. I usually can fall back asleep but today's struggle made me just give up and get up.

Last night I fell asleep at 10:22 according to my fitbit (I believe it) and somehow, Brodie didn't wake me up until 3:50.

I did have a dream that she was walking around the house and Jess was here, and took the dog out for me, so I could stay in bed. In my dream I was awake listening to the dog walk around and Jess get up and talk to her ever so sweetly, and go outside.

We've reached peak level weird when you're dreaming about taking your dog out instead of waking up to take your dog out, don't you think?

Brodie can get up on her own if she's sleeping on the dog bed, but if she rolls off or moves about (see photo) and gets in a weird place where the paws meet hardwood, then she's got to have some help.

I woke up before she had the opportunity to wake me up. She was on her dog bed, her head was up and she was looking around the room. I waited, watching her as she got ready to get up and allowed her the time to go get food and water, and pace a little bit before getting my shorts on and taking her out. Some days I ignore her when she does her walkabout, but last night she didn't poop or pee when we went out at about 10pm, so I figured she may be in need (and I was right).

Outside at 4am, the sky is usually pinkening (which doesn't turn out to be an incorrectly spelled word according to spell check here, who knew?) but not so far today. It is very cloudy out. The grass is very wet from yesterday's severe downpours and the overnight dew, and it already feels like we'll see more of the same today even at this early hour.

I stood and looked up the yard to the east, where the sun is usually starting to show the outline of the trees and houses on Darrow, watched her putter about in the still dark, and realized that the sound of the Beltway is absent at 4am on a Sunday morning.

One of the things I notice about our neighborhood is out of place cars. There's been one sitting out in front of Betsy and Tony's house, and I think there is a guy sitting in it, can't quite tell from here. We get a lot of Uber drivers in the area (reminds me I should write out the dream I had about Owen Wilson and the Uber trip) waiting for their next call. There was a really nice car in front of our house a few nights ago, and the guy was listening to music and talking on his cel phone in speakers very loudly having a fight with what I can only assume was his significant other. It was one of those situations where I couldn't quite hear words but the tone was unmistakable. He saw me with the dog, and drove off quickly.

Brodie is fast asleep again, her body is off the dog bed but her legs are on it. She will probably need help getting up when she wakes up next.

Because I'm sometimes awake at this hour I've wondered where the best place is to go watch the sun rise. In Massachusetts, if I were so inclined a drive directly east by about 5 miles would take me to Plum Island or Salisbury Beach, and a short walk along the sand could bring me to any number of vantage points to sit, sip some coffee, and watch.

But around here, I have no idea where to go. For a sunset, I know where to go but for sunrise I don't feel like I have a real sense of direction or best place to park and gawk. Aside from actually driving 45 minutes to Annapolis or 2 hours to Rehoboth Beach, I have no sense of the best vista. I asked the local hivemind on Twitter, we'll see what they come back with.

Maybe Doug will also be awake, and we'll find ourselves just ... awake. And I can suggest a trip. And if he doesn't want to go I would just go. Beats sitting here on the couch listening to the nothing.

Although, sitting here listening to the nothing isn't so bad.

I may go back to bed, I don't think I've had enough sleep even though 5 hours is pretty great. Getting close to 5 hours of sleep feels fulfilling and normal, instead of the usual 90 minutes to 3 hour stretches interrupted through the night. If this was a work day I'd just declare it morning and go make the coffee and start reading the emails. There are 5 unread emails in my inbox. I am not reading them.

Oh but I just did, and there was an emergency page at 11pm last night (we all get an email notification even if we're not on call). I was not on call, so I trust the person who was handled it beautifully.

The sky is much lighter now, the heavy cloud cover has some breaks in it, and the sun is filtering in making everything pink. The blue sky with the clouds makes me think of Joe Jackson's "you dress in pink and blue just like a child" for some reason. Maybe it won't be a total washout weather wise today. And maybe it would have been a good day to go see a sunrise.

Wanna Get Away?

I am restless with wanderlust filling my heart and soul.

It is the end of June and I haven't really gone anywhere "fun" since going to see Guster in Burlington Vermont. I went to see my parents in March, but that was lovely duty, not .... "fun."

Oh, and yes - we did go to West Virginia for our anniversary but compared to anniversaries past like Quebec City and Skyline Drive, one night in rocking Elkins WV is not really something I'd put in the "that was epic" category.

My brain feels like mush, and I'm in a fog. I know it is because I'm just cooped up. And yes, my privilege is showing, I know. We don't travel fancy, we just go some places, so I'm not whining because no one is taking me on a $15,000 Alaska cruise. I am whining because I can't just up and go places that I want to. When I want to.

The country is "opening up" some, but we are not. We have been kind of disgusted by what we've seen in other people's behaviors, how no one wants to follow rules. How restaurants require reservations but people still show up and act like they are entitled to be allowed in because things are open.

I've been annoyed at the grocery store when people won't follow the instructions to go down the aisles the right directions. I've been irritated that people are acting like they are just plain exempt.

I do not know why it is so hard for people to follow the rules. Not so much for themselves, but for others.

One of the things I've been going back to over and over is the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The classic Golden Rule. The basic tenet of so many faiths and even the non-faithful can ascribe to this one. It is a no brainer. That and the Mosaic coin flip of whatever is hurtful to you, do not do to any other person, both of which ring in my ears.

While there are so many people who act like they are being "muzzled like a mad dog," according to one recent Floridian, I can't go out there.

But.

I wanna.

I need some time up in the Boston Area. My sister and I want to fly down to Florida and help her bestie move into her new place, once she knows where the new place is when her divorce is settled, and after she recovers from back surgery that's happening Monday. Linda wants for us to be there the day the divorce is settled, throw her into a car, and take her somewhere like Key West for a couple days. And then come back, move her into her new place, and get her next phase set up.

Most of all, I really want to go to Oregon, in the worst way, to go see Aaron and Serena when they have their baby. Baby is due at the end of July. Go see the new boat that he has put so much time and effort into. Go to the west. Just... go.

Flights are so cheap right now that I feel like we just need to buy tickets, and plan on going. Just do it. Just go to Oregon. Pick a week. A long weekend. Something.

Doug's mother will be moving into a new condo (hopefully) at the end of August so that kind of coincides with probably what's going to happen with Ginger's divorce and the best time for us to go to Oregon.

I do have to say, right now, we have money for the first time in a long time because we have been literally going nowhere and having no fun. Each week, I see our bank balance going up. And it is delightful. Now I know how people who don't do anything feel.

I like knowing that at any moment I can actually buy a plane ticket, rent a car, and have hotels ... without sweating it, it's a great thing.

I just have to make sure we don't shoot all the cash out the window having fun, once we can.

And until then, I can pine for just wanting to go out to a restaurant.

Grandma

My neighbors have a little baby girl who loves my dog, is always happy to see me, and confuses waving with clapping so when mommy or daddy tell her to wave to me, she claps. 

And I take that as a compliment. They try to correct her, but no! Please, allow the child to clap for me. Thank you very much. I feel appreciated, welcomed with aplomb to the fence to say hello, chat, and pet the cat.

Today is her first birthday, and they had a little party for her. During the time of pandemic, it's hard to have little gatherings but they did an interesting job of organizing things.

Over the course of 2 hours, in 20 minute increments, people came over and socially distanced outside to share some coffee and donuts, and celebrate the baby.

If there was a little overlap, like we had with the family before us, there was a little chatting and then the "shift change" happened. We entered through the front gate, they exited through the back gate. It worked very well. The donuts were good but it was much more sugar than I've had in months so I am feeling a little logy right now.

She's a really happy baby, T and B (mom and dad) say she's so easy going, and mellow, and fun. They're living the happy new parent life. I remember what this was like with our first, and there were ups and downs, and hard days of sleeplessness and teething, ear infections and other drama, but the first year is so full of momentous occasions and development that is is lovely to see a little human just happening.

It is so cool to watch a little human becoming.

I remember when we told our parents we were going to be having a baby. We had only been married a couple of months when I accidentally got pregnant. Doug and I were really young and dumb, but both of us were like "cool cool cool, alright. Here we go."

My mother was absolutely thrilled and beside herself.

Doug's mother flipped out. She was actually angry at us.

Very on brand for her, but I think she was so upset at being "turned into a grandma." We did this to her. And she was not happy. Gary, for the record, was tickled. He was ready for the role. And while my mom was all for it, she was not having it. She just got the second kid out of the house and into college, and here we were moving her out of new empty nest mode and into grandma mode.

How dare we.

When I was in pregnant, I didn't want anyone with me but Doug when we'd be having the baby. I especially didn't want her around.

The day that Jess was born, we ended up having a very active labor and delivery room. One of Doug's coworkers and his wife were also expecting, and they were at the hospital campus for a doctor visit so they came to hang out during the not-too-much-happening part of things, and we had a great visit. Another friend came because she had just had a baby 6 months earlier, and she knew I'd need the moral support (she was right). Carrie was there, and my roommate from college, Bonnie, came up. At one point during the not-too-much-happening part of things, Doug and Bonnie left to go to Burger King because Doug was starving.

I wasn't allowed to eat anything, and it pissed me off a little, I wanted everyone to suffer with me. Ha.

I called all my friends, but didn't want my mom or mother in law with us. My mom wanted to be there, and I shut her out. She accepted it, but I'll tell you what, I bet it hurt her (she's never said) and it was probably very unfair and selfish of me to not have her participate in something she was longing to participate in.

She had a bag packed and ready to go for when I told her it was time, and she waited for us to call her when it was over, and then she and my dad made the trip up from NY to Massachusetts. They were there early the next morning.

We called Doug's parents, his mom was very accepting of the fact that the baby was born. "It's a girl," we told her. "Okay great, here's your dad," was her reply. We told Gary all about it and how great she was and all of the stats and details about Jess.

Once we got home from the hospital, my sister came up for a couple of days so she could have new auntie bonding time with the behb.

We called Doug's parents and I asked when they were going to come up to see their grandchild. Their first grandchild.

His mom said "oh, I don't know, maybe end of September. Then we'll go drive up into Maine and then head back to Pennsylvania. We don't want to be in the way or anything."

No, you don't want to be grandma, is what I heard. You'll come to New England to see leaves and shit, and seeing your grandbaby is like a second thought whatever.

Basically, That would be close to three months. Three months of the baby's new life, with all the changes and milestones. Three months of us being new parents that you are disinterested in participating with us on. I handed the phone to Doug and went to cry.

I heard him say to her "What the hell is wrong with you?"

They came up two weeks later. She had said "we wanted you to have time to bond as a family." Which sure yeah, that's nice.

But you are family too. You're the baby's family. Come, bond. Be family.

It made me feel like not only wasn't Jess part of her family, I was not either. I'm not welcome. I never really felt welcome by her. Gary took me as his own, but she wanted nothing to do with any of this.

To this day it still irritates me and kind of pisses me off. Over the last 30 plus years I think that our relationship is "okay." But we never have been close, we do not have that bond, that friendship, and I think it all stems from me making her a grandma before her time.

I'm about the same age now that she was (maybe a year or so older?) when we turned her into a crusty old grandma.

To be honest, I doubt I'll ever be a grandma? Jess has absolutely no parental desires, or relationship desires that I've ever been aware of. Jess would be a good parent for sure. The sense of humor and caring that they have is wonderful. Always a great babysitter, and little kids love to be around them. But the spend a little time with small people and give them back to their folks streak is super strong, and the concept of permanent parenting isn't one ascribed to.

Geoff is only 23, a little younger than Doug and I were when we had Jess. He once told me he doesn't know how to meet girls, or what to do in a relationship, but, "I haven't ruled it out." He had a girlfriend in 8th grade for a couple months and she broke up with him. I think her friends pressured her (they were cute together. I wonder where she is these days?)

He wants to get through his academic program, get a job, figure out where he wants to live. He keeps saying he would like to move back north, but he also looks at jobs and opportunities that exist here in Maryland. I see him moving away for sure but how far, I don't know.

I actually don't want him to go far, because I would like to be geographically close if he ever does find his right girl, and does have a kid.

One of my big regrets is we were so far from both our sets of parents. We couldn't take advantage of the geographical closeness not just for "here can you take the kids for the weekend" but for them to really bond and get to know one another.

I want to be that grandma. If it ever gets to that point. I don't want it to be like when Gary and Bonnie came to watch the kids, and we went to Chicago for a wedding. We got home, and literally Gary got in the car to leave. Geoff drove him nuts that weekend. He didn't understand him, he didn't get the kind of kid Geoff was. Jess was great, of course. The smart, precocious, not overactive, obedient and clever child. But Geoff was a two-nado (I believe he was 2. He may have been 3) and it was too much for Gary to deal with.

It was the one time I was really hurt, but I think that we all had to learn about who Geoff was and learn how to work in his world.

That's a whole different story.

Suffice to say, if it ever comes to the point where I get to be Grandma, I will do so with joy and welcoming. If it ever comes the day where I get to hold the next gen and say "wait until I show you dogs, and we go to the beach, and we eat ice cream, and sing Guster songs in the car..." it'll be the best. And I'll be the best at it.

Until then I love on my friends' kids. And give them back when they don't want me.

tattoo you

Doug and I don't have tattoos.

I've always kind of wanted one, but with my blood clotting and anti-coagulation medicine I don't think I'm a good candidate to get one.

Guster themed tattoos always cross my mind. Something with "the moon and stars are ganging up on the sun.... rebellion!" with some cartoony old cinema style stars, sun and moon drawn out. Or something with the "Be be calm, be brave, it'll be okay" line.

I also always wanted to put "Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny" from Bruce Springsteen around my leg/ankle. It seems to be the single most appropriate song lyric of my entire life.

Doug's always had the philosophy that tattoos are a mark for people who make poor life decisions.

If one looks at my family, the "cousins" level that I'm on, one might say yeah, he's right.

One of my cousins has "HAIL MARY" tattooed to his fingers so people can, as he put it "Pray while I'm beating the fuck out of you."

So there's that.

My sister has several tattoos, they are all very meaningful to her, so she takes offense that he thinks this way about her life choices. She's planning out her next one, the musical notes to the last bit of a Peter Gabriel song called "Here Comes The Flood," without the words, just the notes. I'll love to see it when it is done.

Last night I had a dream that I went away for a weekend and upon return Doug's arms had been tattooed.

On his right arm he sported in large letters "DIRTY DEEDS DONE DIRT CHEAP." and on his other arm I couldn't make out what he had, but right under it there was "CHRIS IS AN IDIOT."

"You think I'm an idiot?" I asked him.

"No! No, this isn't about you. It's .... another Chris!" yelled Doug in response.

I woke up right after that. What other Chris is an idiot! And of course he was lying in the dream because he always does this "No! No..." when he's joking around or being fibby.

Hopefully he won't get to the point in life where he feels to get that written in permanent ink at some point. If so, his body - his choice. No Ragrets!

Dog Days

I feel like even though there is so much happening in the world between the pandemic, black lives, police violence, arguments on every side, arguments and arguments, my brain cannot wrap itself around things to have a response.

In fact, I'm in theory not supposed to technically respond publicly. I could lose my job.

And the last time I publicly shared events happening in my life that were Big Things a certain bank used my words against me, told me my narrative was wrong, and I ended up losing just about everything. 12 years plus later, I'm still shaken about that.

So. My Reluctance.

But my inner empath bleeds, and cries, and I just know that the world is broken, and I cannot necessarily do a bloody thing. I've muted so many people who I just can't tolerate hearing hate spewing from their faces. Defriended, disconnected, and these are people I'm pretty sure won't notice I am gone. They're too busy screaming their nastiness into the air, they can't hear anything other than their own echo chambers and those who cheer back.

Suffice to say, if you're suffering, and you are reading this. I see you. We can connect. We can share. I want to hear your stories. I can't fix anything. But I can love you. That's about all.

My focus of attention as of late is, of course, this dog.

Our weekend was spent doing a lot of this. The weather has been amazing - in the 70s, light breeze. So perfect. Doug and I spent the entire day drinking wine on the front porch yesterday, waving to neighbors and strangers out walking. And the dog slept pretty much like this, and was comfortable and happy at our feet.

In the afternoon, I made my weekly call to "Old Folks Land" as Geoff used to call it. He's been posting daily pictures of Brodie on his facebook page, looking miserable, and my mom has been commenting about the patheticness of her doggie face.

She asked me how long we were going to keep her alive. I couldn't believe she'd ask me this. She's pathetic yeah, but still ticking, and still full of love.

Oh, okay. As soon as you are ailing lady, we'll take you in for a shot.

I told her as long as Brodie has an appetite, drinks water, isn't vomiting, shitting everywhere... she's fine. She is just old. It isn't like when she (mom) had a broken hip and could use a walker. I can't get a walker for my dog to help her not fall down when she is in the yard or in the house. So we keep a close eye on her.

Remind me not to put my mom in charge of my end-of-life decisions.

Brodie is such a quiet, sweet thing. Earlier today she fell down in the kitchen, and just stayed there, silently. I went to get a glass of water and found her there. Just looking at the kitchen door waiting for someone to come help.

This is the face.

Her back legs are weak, and then on certain surfaces her front legs just slide out to the side and she plops down.

You poor bean. Here, let me help you. Wash, rinse, repeat.

It's why I wake up and monitor her in the night when she gets her pacing on. I have put towels and blankets down to try and keep her steady, she doesn't fall down on the rug in the living room. It's just the hardwood and the whatever the IKEA flooring stuff is in the kitchen. I can hear her tapping around, and if she stops, I go look.

Sometimes she's successfully standing on the towels under her food dishes, not slipping and getting a good nosh on at 2am. Other times - she's flat.

You poor bean. Here, let me help you.

Today, Doug got out the weed whacker and did the edging on everything in the yard.

Geoff does our mowing but he doesn't have the finishing touches to do the walkways and the garden. Doug had let this go so far this year and finally got to the point where it needed done.

I sat on the porch, kind of watching, not really listening, staring into space. Thinking about the world as it is. Then it crossed my mind that I could go in and vacuum. What perfect timing.

Doug hates the vacuum. He's like an old dog. He hates the noise, he hates how it smells. Bitches incessantly if I vacuum, but then also bitches that the rug needs to be vacuumed.

I used to vacuum every week on my work from home day. Now every day is work from home day, but he's here too, and in my way and in my space, and it prevents me from doing some of the routines that I have gotten used to over the last 5 years.

I came in to do that, knowing that his weed whacking was louder than my Hoovering. And this picture here is what happened.

Brodie just could not be arsed to move out of the way. I went all around her, moved couches and tables, and finally got to where she was.

Nudge.

Nudge, nudge, "Please move," nudge.

Nope. A whole lot of nope.

I came at her from the front and she rolled over on her left side, giving me about a foot extra space to approach the bookshelf. I have to revisit this spot I guess.

Some people have dogs who lose their shit when the vacuum is brought out. Gonzo used to get really upset and run upstairs and hide. This one, little old lady just has zero fucks to give. I posted this picture to facebook and several people replied that their pets would not be having any of this. I should have done video, me bumping her and asking her to move.

Anyway, gonna figure out what is for dinner. There is an ice cream truck in the distance, competing with Red Hot Chili Peppers on our Pandora... and another weed whacker doing its job down the road.

The 3 hours of sleep

Another Rough night with the dog.  Seeing as I've been up since 4:45am, we are on our third cuppa and I sent an email to my best friend outlining my whining about why I've been up since 4:45 (and why I didn't fall asleep in the first place before 1am).

Productive morning, I may say.

I would really like to just go back to bed right now but right now is when work starts to wake up and get going. And the birds are noisy. And the neighbors have their lawn service with 2 weed whacker dudes and 2 giant lawnmowers doing their tiny ass yard. Oh, and a neighbor across the street is having a second floor put on the house, and the construction guys are hammering the shit out of everything. Including my brains.

I usually am starting work between now and 9am, but already did two big helpdesk tickets and have decided to pass on attending my 10am standing scrum meeting. My 10:30 was canceled. We have a team meeting at 11, and then I have a meeting at 1.  Looks favorable for me to make it to past 1, and pass out. Already told my manager that I'd be doing that.

Any minute now I should try and make enough noise that it wakes Doug up. He was up until after 1 with me, but managed to get back to sleep and stay there.

By the way, the dog is flat out snoring right now. The little shit.

I'm very glad her elderly issues are happening in the summer instead of what I went through with Jack up in Massachusetts. Although, I did like putting on boots and snow pants, and going and sitting on a wall of plowed up snow nearly 3 feet high along our walk way to give him time to be out there flopping around on the cold ground and eating all the snow he wants. At least this is nice weather. It hasn't been pouring out when she's wanted to go dick around and just walk the yard and sniff. I may put a folding chair down in the yard so I can just sit there while she does her walkabout and sniffabout.

But I might just fall asleep in the chair...

Consider the birds of the air

Consider the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

-Matthew 6:26

A long time ago here on the blog I used to open my posts with a quote of some sort, especially if something was heavy on my mind.

I'm worried about this world, and all the people in it. I'm worried that in my nearly 54 years the amount of people who have been killed by cops who happen to be black is astonishing. And yeah yeah yeah I know. I know white people are also killed by cops. I know cops are killed by people. But if passing a counterfeit 20 dollar bill is enough to get your windpipe crushed, there's more than a "jeesh somethin's goin' on here" kind of vibe.

I feel like this happens every few years, and there are riots and demonstrations. Black people express their dismay, white people express their solidarity, and everyone has some tears. And then nothing changes on either side of the issue. Nothing.

Mostly I am feeling paralyzed and helpless. I also feel like I have no one to talk to. Most of my white friends are either business as usual, this does not impact me. And my black friends are so hurting that even if I try to be supportive, it sounds like a hollow empty clanging noise and my heart feels like I'm doing wrong.

This morning, after writing my 2am post, I got to sleep finally. I woke up at 7 and took the dog out, again, went back to sleep, and managed to really sleep. I told my boss recently that I do my absolute best sleeping between 6am and 9am, and would rather just start working 10-6 if that's at all possible.

He said that if it works for me and I feel I can do that, I should. We may revisit that.

Anyway, after some incredibly detailed dreaming, like, going on a rampage with my friend Bree (my only indigenous friend, and she's very much so) where we found roadside lawn signs with the Washington Football Team's logo on them saying 'We support Black Lives Matter." We took the signs and busted them up screaming.

Really wild dream for me, but very on brand for Bree. Very kind of "If you're going to throw a spaz about something you're absolutely passionate about, I'll come with and use my white privliege to not get arrested and I'll bail your ass out."

 I think she'd probably approve. (EDIT: I shared this with her and she thanked me for being willing to bail her out. Which was what I wanted to hear).

After I got up, I got some coffee and went out onto the porch to enjoy the second storey being put on my neighbor's house, and the other neighbor who started cutting his cement driveway with a power saw at 7am.

A few weeks ago, I had cut some taller grass from around a rock cropping that we have beside our staircase. It's impossible to lawn mow and Doug didn't want to use the weed whacker on it as it is at a weird angle. It had grown up very tall, about a foot, and was just unslightly.

So I got the pruning shears out, and cut the grass down. I piled it up, and then did nothing with it. I just left it there. Every day I said, I should go out there and grab that and take it to the back corner of the yard or something. But I didn't.

Sitting with my coffee, I watched four small birds swooping into the pile of dry grass, and picking at it to find the most choice building materials. They pecked at each other and chirped loudly of their annoyance, and each grabbed the long strands and flew off in different directions to wherever they were making home. They found a use for my castoffs, and it was probably a banner day for them to get all of this grass.

There is still plenty out there, but I know that they are provided for and we are provided for. And my worries about this world are also the worries of God. And I will not say it's all going to be okay, I do not believe it will be okay ever again. But there are shiny spots. There are shiny spots.

We charge our phone at 2am

I think I've slept through the night once during the last two months.

First, I tend to drink a lot of liquid in the evening (I do during the day too, but I switch from water to wine or in the case of this evening, gin & tonic). Drinking a lot of liquid means you gotta get up and pee, at least once.

I had cut back drastically on drinking alcohol, and then in late April kind of picked it up again. I'm trying very much to go back to not drinking on "school nights." Seltzer and lemon in my near future.

Second, my dog wakes up. Most of the time she'll wake up, stand up, pace. Her nails on the hardwood wake me up. I take her out. She sometimes pees, she sometimes poops, she sometimes does both and, she sometimes does neither but spends an excessive amount of time just walking about. Doot doo dooo, like ya do.

Tonight she tried to get up off the floor repeatedly, managed to skootch herself forward into the bedroom closet, and pooped herself.

The good thing is the poops she makes are really nice and solid. So they are very easy to clean up. Yay, Brodie! Good poops.

The bad thing is we still have to pick up the poop. And by we, I mean me. She is no help. And Doug either sleeps through this or ... pretends he is not hearing any of it.

So I did all that. I lifted her up to standing, located the poops, got them cleaned up, got the spray cleaner out and sprayed the floor. Now my bedroom smells like bleach, which is pleasant to the nose as one is attempting to fall back asleep. But it is better than lingering poopstink.

Third, the brain won't turn off. Between work, and the pandemic my mind is constantly on the happenings out in the world. Sometimes it is around 12:30am when I wake up, and I realize Geoff is not home yet from work and I start to worry and panic. If the weather is bad, I especially panic because he's driving home down 95, and people around here drive horribly. So I'm afraid my careful country mouse is going to get rear ended by a speed racer as sheets of rain are falling and there is hydroplaning and it is a disaster on the beltway with my kid in the midst.

I usually can fall back asleep when he gets home, but then pretty much right after is when Brodie starts her flopping.

This morning, he came home and I didn't even hear him. Sometimes he is stealthy, other times he's a bull in the china shop. I've had to come out and tell him he does not need to unload the dishwasher at 1:30am. Or he is watching TV (he pulls a chair up right in front of the screen and plays the audio super low so as not to wake us but he will laugh and that's always something that gets me up.

So, as you can see, I sometimes end up wide all the way awake. I play games on my phone until brain stops and eyes want to close.

Tonight while playing my fave game (I had 3 hours of unlimited life) I noticed my phone's battery was at 11%, and also realized I'm on call for work. That's not a good combination. Can't have a dead phone if someone calls the emergency line at like 3am.

The phone could probably stay on until morning if it is at 11%, but... then I can't play games until my brain turns off.

So here I am in the living room with the phone on the charger and surfing the web, reading twitter, waiting. We're up to 78%, I can probably go to bed again, safely.

Watch me go in, get comfortable, and the dog begins her next phase of up and aboutness.

The only other news from here is the introduction of these bad boys...

Doug's ongoing terrarium project has some new residents. A couple weeks ago he ordered snails, and they finally arrived. There are 12 of them, and this curly boi showed up to eat! His plants have been growing algae and it was getting kind of rough looking in there, so these friends will help clean up the interior and get everything back to green. I hope. Doug keeps showing me all these pictures of these gorgeous tanks and I'm like, oh honey. Your tank is not looking like that and I do not know if it will ever...

But he said these guys are the key to the healthy balance of the ecosystem. We shall see how they do. In the meantime, they're fascinating to watch. A few of them, not just this friend, set to work eating immediately. But there are a few still floating at the top of the tank. They seem to be moving but they're not doing the snail things we expect. Doug will evaluate as needed.

Okay... 93% and we're all set. All of us humans are awake now. I can hear Geoff bumping around downstairs, Doug just got up to go to the bathroom.

And the dog is fast asleep.

End of lease

My property manager called me tonight to say that our lease expires at the end of July, and the property owners are looking to sell the property, so this is notice for us. 60 days.

I corrected her and said that we have a lease to the end of July 2021. Not this July. I provided her a screenshot of this as proof from our document section in her online portal for our property (an excellent tool, I may say).

I have not heard back from her.

But fuck all did this just send me into a whirlwind of absolute panic. What if they say "oh well, we'll buy you out of your lease." Or "nah, fuck you. we're selling the house." What recourse do tenants have? I don't even know. So now I'm hyperventilating, worried, freaking out.

This is so not like me, I'm usually the rational human in the face of most things especially if I am in the right but. What if.

What if. Oh my God what if. What if! WHAT IF!

I can't handle this right now. The entire world is on fire and we are in a pandemic and holy shit no.

There are a lot of pros in this, like, we have enough money in the bank for a first/last month for another rental. We also have enough money to pay movers. Which I will so do after the last move. We can actually manage. Maybe move somewhere more Country Mouse to make Geoff happy.

But I am freaking out because staying in "the county" is hard.  There are 2 properties in our zip code, both are 400.00 a month more than what we pay here. They are both in a nice part of town, but fuck me. Absolutely fuck me. I do not want to move and pay 400 bucks more a month.

And I am not happy with this. I'm not. I like it here!  I have my party porch. I've started to be friendly with my neighbors. This is a PERFECT HOUSE for us.

I tried to figure out what the going rate would be for this house and it is 500,000 for this neighborhood, so it isn't like we can buy it.

We have to move by the time our lease runs out. in 2021.

But.

What if the homeowner is like "hey we'll buy you out of your lease now." Which is what happened with my friend Janeen. And then the homeowner changed his mind and is staying overseas.

What the fuck.

I did a zillow search of the area in our price range and it's all not affordable. And we kind of need to stay in the county for Geoff to go to his academic program. Doug said he can start the program and we move out, and he just has to pay more which is alright right now because of the 529 program my mother in law has for the kids. If he has to pay out of county tuition, he's covered.

Right now I'm having a hard time not panicking. I've been happily making this my space and place. Between the back porch chill space and unpacking the books, I've been me-ifying my living space and this just feels like "no, fuck you" to me.

My big fear is Geoff, and making sure he's all set academically (which now the program is pushed from summer to fall for the start time) and I'm just exhausted from trying to think about where we can stay in the county that will work for him.

And work for our commutes.

I mean, my commute may never be back to DC if possible. And Doug will eventually maybe have to go back to Fairfax, but, if in the greater scheme of things could we live in Virginia?

And then I'm like no. Even northern Virginia is too conservative for me so no. I want to move back to Massachusetts at this rate.

I do not want to move. I am happy here. Why can't I just be happy?

Doug and Chris, at 29

We took a one night overnight trip to West Virginia to celebrate our anniversary. It wasn't the week long adventure I wanted but it was pretty sweet. Here is we did.

Sunday morning we got up and lazed about, didn't really get our butts in gear but made it out the door "before noon," at 11:54.

We headed west, taking the highway to Front Royal and then down to Strasburg, and then a two-lane road further west into West Virginia to Petersburg.

Winding through the countryside, we drove through Smoke Hole and past Eagle Rock that area seen to the left here, and over to Germany Valley.

We spent an inordinate amount of time at a wayside on the highway hanging out with some cows, and looking at an amazing view of the valley below. Everything was perfect.

There was a family of 5 trying to take a selfie with the cows, and I walked over offering to take the picture for them.

It then occurred to me that my "old" self who often lovingly offered to take someone's phone into my own hands and take pictures for them was just weird now. Dad was cool and gave me his phone, and I got some sweet shots of them smiling with the valley below, and then the youngest one was the only one who played along when I suggested they act freaked out there were cows there.  The whole rest of the family laughed as he pointed and screamed.

For a minute, for the first time in 3 months maybe, I felt normal.

To the right here, that is one of the cows. And the slope down to the valley, and the rise up above in the distance, and sky and clouds. You can see why we spent a bunch of time here.

We made it over to Seneca Rocks, which was beautiful. We took a leisurely walk around and didn't venture up to the Overlook, because it was getting late in the day. We sat at the visitors' center and watched the sun play against the exposed rock face, the big outcropping of stone, and counted climbers going up and down.

After Seneca Rocks, we drove to Elkins, where Doug had booked us a hotel room. When he started to plan this out, he wasn't sure how far to drive or keep driving, but this was the perfect spot and I'm glad he picked it.

For layout purposes, sticking this shot of  Seneca Rocks in here. It was a gorgeous area, and watching the clouds and sun play across the face was so beautiful to me. When we were walking around way below, we saw so many people headed towards the rocks to climb. It is a popular rock climbing location.

It is a brand new hotel, and there were very few guests. We asked the guy at the desk where to go for dinner and he suggested this local BBQ spot that I saw recommended on TripAdvisor called Smoke on the Water.

We called ahead to make sure they were open and the girl seemed incredulous. "Yeah? but we close in an hour." Okay then! Out in West Virginia, they have not had the big shut down that we've seen here, I guess. But they close on schedule.

We pulled into the parking lot, and a guy coming out lit up a smoke and said, unprompted, "Damn, the food here is so good. You are in for a treat!" Doug asked what he recommended, and the guy shook his head and said "it is all just so good. You like shrimp?" We said yes. "Okay then the smoked shrimp appetizer is a must. Start there, you can't go wrong. I ordered six for myself but they are so good I got 12 to go home!"

The inside and patio were open, and we opted for the patio. Many places in our county aren't open yet but when they do open, they can only have outdoor seating. We figured we'd stick with that plan. The waitresses and bartenders were all required to wear a mask, but we were not.

Our waitress ran down the beer list and I picked a local brown ale. Doug still isn't drinking beer, so he had Maker's Mark.

She asked if we knew what we wanted, and told her about our exchange in the parking lot about the shrimp and she laughed. We got a dozen, and they were indeed up to the recommendation. Both of us got the mixed platter of wings and ribs, which were amazing, and came with sides of sauces - a Carolina mustard sauce and a spicy BBQ which were both outstanding.

For dessert, which neither of us would normally had, we had the raspberry cheesecake which was unbelievably delicious.

It was a great night out. I took no pictures of the food but the two beers I had are on Untappd.

This morning we checked out around 10, and Doug's goal was for us to go to a waterfall.

We started with breakfast at Bob Evans, which made me think of Gary. He would always take Craig and Elyse, my nephew and niece, there - and sit and color pictures for me and mail them to me. They would always crack me up.

First, we went to Bickel Knob and an observation tower, seen above. We had the dirt road all to ourselves, which was pretty sweet. I would think that normally there would be a lot of other people out here at this time of year enjoying the scenery, but this was all ours. It was a delightful view, we could see all the way to Elkins and the wind turbines that are out on the way to Davis. We spent a good amount of time here, and it was beautiful.

We came down the tower and drove around, saw several deer jumping across the road, and eventually ran into another vehicle (Traffic Jam!) who pulled over to allow us to pass.

We got back to Rte 33, and headed to the Blackwater Falls, via a back road that Doug had picked. And boy, was this a back road.

Rte 72, or Dry Fork Road, wends for miles past farms and homes, skirting the hills and mountains. It was an adventurous drive and the sign at the start said it was not for trucks (meaning Semi-trucks, I think).

So beautiful, and so remote in so many ways. I wanted to upload pictures that I'd taken through the morning but there is no internet here, and it was blissful.

We got to a major road and drove through a town called Thomas, which looked like the kind of place I would love to hang out, and then over to the Blackwater Falls. There were too many people at the closer landing, so we happily spent our time at the upper observation landing, with this view.

Doug and I drove to the lodge, where we were not welcome to stay at this time because it is only open for WV residents (same as the camp grounds, which we may have used if we were allowed to). We then drove back to Rte 48/33 and headed back to 81 and 66 and the way home. We were home in time for dinner, and because our county is not yet fully where West Virginia is, and we had swordfish and salad for dinner.

I brought my camera with me, which is something I haven't done for a long time because I've been uninspired and I don't have photoshop or a personal computer to work on my images. But I'll see if I can get some good shots off of this to post on Flickr, which I also haven't used in a very long time.


A part of me is deeply asleep, still. I miss that creative me. But this trip was good for my heart, and there is so much I still want to see and have questions about, like the miles of wind turbines ... how much energy do these supply? Who owns them? I want to know more.

This was a good trip. I want to do more.

For long time visitors you know. It is not an official Doug and Chris vacation if there isn't a dirt road found. And we found them.

Thank you West Virginia for being so beautiful.