My neighbors have a little baby girl who loves my dog, is always happy to see me, and confuses waving with clapping so when mommy or daddy tell her to wave to me, she claps.
And I take that as a compliment. They try to correct her, but no! Please, allow the child to clap for me. Thank you very much. I feel appreciated, welcomed with aplomb to the fence to say hello, chat, and pet the cat.
Today is her first birthday, and they had a little party for her. During the time of pandemic, it's hard to have little gatherings but they did an interesting job of organizing things.
Over the course of 2 hours, in 20 minute increments, people came over and socially distanced outside to share some coffee and donuts, and celebrate the baby.
If there was a little overlap, like we had with the family before us, there was a little chatting and then the "shift change" happened. We entered through the front gate, they exited through the back gate. It worked very well. The donuts were good but it was much more sugar than I've had in months so I am feeling a little logy right now.
She's a really happy baby, T and B (mom and dad) say she's so easy going, and mellow, and fun. They're living the happy new parent life. I remember what this was like with our first, and there were ups and downs, and hard days of sleeplessness and teething, ear infections and other drama, but the first year is so full of momentous occasions and development that is is lovely to see a little human just happening.
It is so cool to watch a little human becoming.
My mother was absolutely thrilled and beside herself.
Doug's mother flipped out. She was actually angry at us.
Very on brand for her, but I think she was so upset at being "turned into a grandma." We did this to her. And she was not happy. Gary, for the record, was tickled. He was ready for the role. And while my mom was all for it, she was not having it. She just got the second kid out of the house and into college, and here we were moving her out of new empty nest mode and into grandma mode.
How dare we.
When I was in pregnant, I didn't want anyone with me but Doug when we'd be having the baby. I especially didn't want her around.
The day that Jess was born, we ended up having a very active labor and delivery room. One of Doug's coworkers and his wife were also expecting, and they were at the hospital campus for a doctor visit so they came to hang out during the not-too-much-happening part of things, and we had a great visit. Another friend came because she had just had a baby 6 months earlier, and she knew I'd need the moral support (she was right). Carrie was there, and my roommate from college, Bonnie, came up. At one point during the not-too-much-happening part of things, Doug and Bonnie left to go to Burger King because Doug was starving.
I wasn't allowed to eat anything, and it pissed me off a little, I wanted everyone to suffer with me. Ha.
I called all my friends, but didn't want my mom or mother in law with us. My mom wanted to be there, and I shut her out. She accepted it, but I'll tell you what, I bet it hurt her (she's never said) and it was probably very unfair and selfish of me to not have her participate in something she was longing to participate in.
She had a bag packed and ready to go for when I told her it was time, and she waited for us to call her when it was over, and then she and my dad made the trip up from NY to Massachusetts. They were there early the next morning.
We called Doug's parents, his mom was very accepting of the fact that the baby was born. "It's a girl," we told her. "Okay great, here's your dad," was her reply. We told Gary all about it and how great she was and all of the stats and details about Jess.
Once we got home from the hospital, my sister came up for a couple of days so she could have new auntie bonding time with the behb.
We called Doug's parents and I asked when they were going to come up to see their grandchild. Their first grandchild.
His mom said "oh, I don't know, maybe end of September. Then we'll go drive up into Maine and then head back to Pennsylvania. We don't want to be in the way or anything."
No, you don't want to be grandma, is what I heard. You'll come to New England to see leaves and shit, and seeing your grandbaby is like a second thought whatever.
Basically, That would be close to three months. Three months of the baby's new life, with all the changes and milestones. Three months of us being new parents that you are disinterested in participating with us on. I handed the phone to Doug and went to cry.
I heard him say to her "What the hell is wrong with you?"
They came up two weeks later. She had said "we wanted you to have time to bond as a family." Which sure yeah, that's nice.
But you are family too. You're the baby's family. Come, bond. Be family.
It made me feel like not only wasn't Jess part of her family, I was not either. I'm not welcome. I never really felt welcome by her. Gary took me as his own, but she wanted nothing to do with any of this.
To this day it still irritates me and kind of pisses me off. Over the last 30 plus years I think that our relationship is "okay." But we never have been close, we do not have that bond, that friendship, and I think it all stems from me making her a grandma before her time.
I'm about the same age now that she was (maybe a year or so older?) when we turned her into a crusty old grandma.
To be honest, I doubt I'll ever be a grandma? Jess has absolutely no parental desires, or relationship desires that I've ever been aware of. Jess would be a good parent for sure. The sense of humor and caring that they have is wonderful. Always a great babysitter, and little kids love to be around them. But the spend a little time with small people and give them back to their folks streak is super strong, and the concept of permanent parenting isn't one ascribed to.
Geoff is only 23, a little younger than Doug and I were when we had Jess. He once told me he doesn't know how to meet girls, or what to do in a relationship, but, "I haven't ruled it out." He had a girlfriend in 8th grade for a couple months and she broke up with him. I think her friends pressured her (they were cute together. I wonder where she is these days?)
He wants to get through his academic program, get a job, figure out where he wants to live. He keeps saying he would like to move back north, but he also looks at jobs and opportunities that exist here in Maryland. I see him moving away for sure but how far, I don't know.
I actually don't want him to go far, because I would like to be geographically close if he ever does find his right girl, and does have a kid.
One of my big regrets is we were so far from both our sets of parents. We couldn't take advantage of the geographical closeness not just for "here can you take the kids for the weekend" but for them to really bond and get to know one another.
I want to be that grandma. If it ever gets to that point. I don't want it to be like when Gary and Bonnie came to watch the kids, and we went to Chicago for a wedding. We got home, and literally Gary got in the car to leave. Geoff drove him nuts that weekend. He didn't understand him, he didn't get the kind of kid Geoff was. Jess was great, of course. The smart, precocious, not overactive, obedient and clever child. But Geoff was a two-nado (I believe he was 2. He may have been 3) and it was too much for Gary to deal with.
It was the one time I was really hurt, but I think that we all had to learn about who Geoff was and learn how to work in his world.
That's a whole different story.
Suffice to say, if it ever comes to the point where I get to be Grandma, I will do so with joy and welcoming. If it ever comes the day where I get to hold the next gen and say "wait until I show you dogs, and we go to the beach, and we eat ice cream, and sing Guster songs in the car..." it'll be the best. And I'll be the best at it.
Until then I love on my friends' kids. And give them back when they don't want me.
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