Burn Out

So I'm feeling burned out. Burned the fuck out. It's my own fault but also because I don't really have a clear backup for other people to actually do my job. I was telling a friend of mine that a few months ago, I got assigned a task I really actually love, very much, while a colleague was on family leave. 

It takes me an hour per each task, so that can be only 3 hours or 4 hours a week. And I love doing it. I don't want to give it up.

I also host calls with stations before they launch, so that's another couple hours a week. And I love doing that. 

And once in a while, we have a station that is a little extra, and needy, and I do those calls. And I love doing those.

But I also don't really want to always be doing my actual job. I have grown to hate my actual job. 

When I started working here the joke was no one lasts at this job for longer than 18 months, or 2 years max. But I've been at it for 7. I believed enough in it to relocate the family. 

And now I hate it and don't want it anymore. Someone, come take it.

Thankfully we've hired a couple new people, and I've been assigning tickets to other people on my team a lot more.

But the tickets don't stop coming.  They just don't. 

I've been kind of a pissy bitch about a few things and was talking to a colleague. I asked her if I could unload about something, she gave me the grace to do so. I was mad about someone neglecting to do something, ignoring something, and I feel that he doesn't want to do the thing because he isn't interested in the thing. 

"You know," she said, "he reports to me." 

Oh. No I didn't know that. Shit.

She was happy to hear this, and we talked about what we can do to get the thing the attention it needs from this person. 

I said I didn't appreciate that he gives off the impression that this isn't something he values. He wants to do the other thing, or do product research, or come up with something else that is shiny, rather than take care of the thing that needs to be taken care of. I told her it makes me feel unvalued, puts the pressure on me constantly to apologize for the thing that doesn't work. I echoed the words of an old friend that I've always tried to take to heart, "no one can make you feel anything. How you decide to feel is up to you." and for a long time, I've felt really shitty about this situation. 

Knowing that one of my greatest allies is now his manager, this is helpful to me.

She told me that I can read a room, and I am spot on with my assessment. She told me her idea of support is "relationship" building and maintaining, not let's list a bunch of things to do that are maybe needed, and get to them eventually. 

It was a good chat. And in the end I don't feel he's in trouble or anything, and maybe I'll get some of the help I need. 

I've expressed my frustration to my manager and he has asked me to hang in there. He knows I'm a tired bean. 

Good things are overall my team is poised and ready to go. A lot of what is exhausting is that we have to wait on other teams. Things are broken, we don't fix them but we report to the other teams and they fix them. And sometimes not fast enough. So more things come in. And then those are not getting fixed fast enough. 

Someone asked me what would make things better. The answer is, and always has been, other people not getting things done the way we need in the time we need it. 

Another problem I've had is that I feel compelled to make sure all the new tickets that come in during the day are touched before I'm done for the day. And sometimes, after meetings and everything, it is 6pm and I still have to do tickets. 

My company talks a lot about Work/Life balance and when I try to hit that work/life balance thing, and not work after 6pm, the next day is a total shit show. 

Right now, on Thursday night, I'm kind of caught up. I'm looking to go into Friday with a meeting light day, hopefully nothing will super break (like last Friday) and I can totally catch up, and feel going into the weekend I've got a grip. 

I also feel like I need a week off, with a cabin, and sunsets, and a lake, and a kayak, or a beach house, and the ocean.

Doug is feeling the same. Maybe we'll get a day or two away and not work. I'd like that. A lot.