Old Archives...

Since I started using Blogger as my home I've been going through the old Journal at amusings dot net slash clg and pulling the content over here. What I love about this is that I can date stamp things with the correct dates from the past, and I can go back and re-read the content.

I just uploaded Jessica's 10th birthday entry from 2002. In which I wrote:

But now comes the hard part -- the next ten years of her life. The teen years. Eventually, college. Cross your fingers. Pray for us. Wish us luck.

No one needed to wish us luck. It turned out, the next ten years (well, 8 because she's 18 and not 20 yet) were easy. She found her own way through junior high and high school, she developed into an amazing teenager who didn't give us a lot of challenges or fights. She found the theatre, she found Shakespeare, she inspires others, she knows right from wrong and always (as far as I know and can see) makes the better choices. She is sarcastic and funny, but not cruel and indifferent. She is just the right balance of what I like to see out there in the world.

I love that she has chosen a college that academically will fit her best instead of settling for something else. I miss her like hell though. I miss having her here to talk to daily. I feel like right now we're not communicating because she's busy in a good way, finding her path.

There are a couple songs that remind me of her, and right now the one that is most poignant to me is The Story's "So Much Mine," which you can hear by clicking this link and going to Youtube. The song is more about a mom looking at her teenaged girl who is making bad choices, "walking that way and wearing that dress and yeah, I know how you learned that because it was me" kind of life. I like to think that yeah Jess is so much mine because she's chosen the Model UN and the Obscure Movie Club instead of a hoochie dress and some strange dude's cold pillow, because certainly those former items would have been my choices. But still, the song makes me miss her. Among others, but that one the most right now.

You were so much mine, now I reach for you and I cannot find you....

Welcome to Insomia Hour. How may I help you?

I don't really have insomnia. I'm just off kilter.

I am unemployed, and my schedule is such that I do not have to be anywhere during the day. Being awake means dishes and laundry. Or shopping. Or whatever.

These things do not interest me.

When Geoff finished up his summer camp with Rebel, my needing to drive all the way to camp every day ended and I didn't have to get up at 7am to get him and me ready, and then spend hte rest of the day awake until it was time to go get him.

So I basically just sleep in.

I went down to the island a few times to interact with the teen August program, talk a little bit about the tour, take some pictures for press... but I'm not on staff and felt that they were doing okay without me. This being the fifth tour, with seasoned directors, I felt the need to be there assuring the kids that the tour was going to be just fine was ... non existent. And I felt that I was glomming on them, hanging about... so I just never went down.

My schedule was okay right up to taking Jess to college. And now, I stay up late, sleep late. I just finished processing all the pictures from the Rebel tours. I have been tweaking websites that I've made and I am sending out resumes, and of course watching CSI (the original one, the others pale in comparison).

I just finished uploading all the photos that I took during the Much Ado About Nothing tour. This was a magical tour, with great acting and super kids and fantastic locations. The best location of them all is the quarry up at Halibut Point in Rockport. For Othello and Much Ado we had well over 200 people at each show. And the audiences.... LOVED the shows. Ugh. Magical.

Here is a picture from the quarry -- I had the kids go all the way down low and took a ton of photos of them down there. I love this one because I didn't zoom in, and focused on the quarry itself, and the sky, and everything else -- and the kids and directors are all down in the right corner.

The entire Danger Quarry Theatre set can be found here. If you want to see. The light, the faces, the kids were just amazing. Do go see.

Geoff starts school the day after tomorrow. I took him school shopping today and spent about 100 bucks. The big ticket item was a new backpack. He goes through one a year. By the end of the school year it is on its last legs, and then he uses it all summer with Rebel and then Boy Scouts, so by the beginning of August the zippers are broken, the seams are torn... I thought about getting an LL Bean backpack for him but I don't know if they still do that "if it wears out, send it back and we'll give you a new one" thing that they used to do. I once bought LL Bean shirts at a thrift store, shipped them back after I wore them out and got new ones. It was kind of a nice deal... but that was 1986... I should look into whether or not they still honor that kind of thing.

Geoff is ready to start school. I think he's hit the bored wall. He spent the weekend with Boy Scouts up at the Portsmouth Air Show, directing traffic in the hot sun. They paid 40 bucks for the admission and camping and then worked their asses off for two full days. I kind of thought that was a little expensive, but he wanted to go with his buddies... so I paid for it. He had a great time and thought the Blue Angels were cool, but he has never been INTO planes the way some people get INTO planes. Kind of sad, because I bet my father in law would love to spend some time with him in that respect.

So seeing as school starts the day after tomorrow, I will be alone officially. I spent several weeks just hanging around with Jessica. She's gone. And now Geoff will be gone. The full court press will be applied to find a job... but I honestly am not seeing anything that is good, and the good stuff never returns my resume/call/inquiry.

Speaking of Jess, I've spoken with her a couple times. She is doing pretty well. I think orientation week was too much and too boring for her. She got to move in early and do the Pitt Start thing, so she had the floor kind of to herself with just a couple others people for a few days. Then everyone else started showing up... the Freshmen who did Pitt Start earlier in the summer, the upper classmen... and women. She got a little pissed after they had to sit through this big long convocation on alcohol, and then she went back to her room and a mess of people went out and got shitfaced. She was a bit indignant about their stupidity. I told her to go easy on them. It's their first time away from home. Let them figure it all out. But she found a couple groups to join on campus, and she registered for all the classes she wanted and got a good schedule. So on the surface it seems to be alright up over there... today was her first day of classes and I hope she likes everything and does really well there. That is all a momma can hope for, right?

Alright then. I'm officially fading. Starting to get tired. So I'm going to mosey to bed. Wish me well in the falling asleep, and then in the waking up...

"You will hate Pittsburgh by the time you leave..."

Last night we went out to eat with my inlaws, Doug's sister, and her two kids. On the way out of the restaurant my father in law had his arm wrapped around me, mine was around him. We were saying our goodbyes and he said "Oh, you will hate Pittsburgh by the time you leave here."

He was misty eyed and we looked over at Jess, who was saying goodbye to her little cousins, Elyse and Craig (ages 9 and 5).

"I remember how much I hated Gordon after we left Doug there. I drove away hating the place that was taking my boy."

I told him that I wasn't going to hate Pittsburgh at all, because he and his wife and Diane, Jay and the kids are so close. It isn't like I'm leaving her somewhere desolate and unknown.

This morning I'm feeling a little more like what I think my father in law is talking about. But not quite. I know I won't hate it. I can't hate the place my girl has picked for her new home.

I will hate the highway though.

Transition Time

I have been incredibly stressed out about money. Paralyzingly so. Because we are in a long-standing dispute with Bank of America, we have a shit credit rating right now. We were declined for Jess' student loan for Pitt, and we leave here on Saturday. Doug reached out to his parents and his dad is co-signing on her first year's worth of loans. We're hoping life will be better, and that she can establish herself as an independent student, and obtain her own loans without our history tarnishing her. I am unable to fall asleep at night just thinking about this.

My advice to you if you have small people is no matter how hard it is to put money aside, earmark 100 bucks a month to your 529 plan, now. We didn't start until last year. We only raised 7000 dollars. So if you have wee ones, start early, and be serious about it. You won't regret it.

Last night we hosted a little bonfire for Jess in honor of her leaving for college rather soon. I didn't want it to be a party party with tons of food -- but I ended up bbq'ing burgers for about 20 hungry kids (and my husband and son too), and in between silly stories and a round of "Apples to Apples Junior" we did a little "separation ritual" for Jess. My friend Agnes had sent me an article about having time set aside for family to talk to the "leaver" about how their departure will change your life.

Because I know that her friends love her so, and most of them are not going away away (Courtney is going to southern Maine, Marissa is going to Worcester, and tons of her friends are underclassmen) I figured it would be an interesting exercise.

We built a fire in the fire pit, and I got Jessica's "Pimp Hat" and her purple and white feather boa. She got placed in a chair, with pimp hat perched, and her friends circled round. I had them wear the feather boa and share two things: their favorite memory of her, and then what they will miss most about her. I told all of them to turn off their phones. No texting, no web browsing, nothing. Be in the moment -- don't get distracted, and really spend time listening to each other and sharing with Jess.

It got really silly, and a couple people got slightly teary. A lot of it centered around her strength of will. Nick said that the one thing he will always remember is that even when she was most pissed off about things and situations, she would bitch with humor.

That's mah girl. yo.

She would always throw her hands up in the air and flail them around while strongly voicing her displeasure, and make it funny. People who had gone away with her on trips (the German trip and the NYC trip with the Germans) all had funny memories, like Lee recalling a creeper who jumped out of an alley in Manhattan and said some wacky things to them, scaring the piss out of them.

Nick's parents were present for the "ritual," and participated and I think they were feeling it strongly because of what is happening on their homefront... Nick is going away for a semester in Ireland right off the bat (he'll be going to Plymouth NH for school but for the first semester he'll be overseas) so Mrs. Nick's Mom was a little emotional as she remembered all the fun things that she was able to witness through the years that Nick and Jess have been friends.

Nick's younger brother was there. He's a year older than Jess and I was incredibly moved by what he had to say. He loves Jessica -- and it is obvious. He made her chocolate covered strawberries for her party, and he had a lot of memories to share about her being at their house while Nick and Jess and others were working on projects for school.

Doug and I both participated -- I said there are too many good memories that I have of her. I thought that I might cry but I didn't. I said that I was going to miss nothing, which made everyone laugh, but the truth is that this is the right time and exactly what is supposed to happen and I am 100% convinced that her launch will be successful. And thanks to technology and facebook and what have you, she wouldn't be lost to me. I am going to miss her asking me every day, even if she's been with me all day, "How was your day, lady?" but now she can do it on skype or facebook or whatever. And our lives will be normal and wonderful, just the way they are supposed to be.

Doug got a lot of laughs because I put the feather boa on him and he made a face that made Jessica say "you think this is soooooooo stupid! that's what your face says!" But he said that he is proud of her and that he is happy she has such great friends who have been supportive to her for years. Doug normally retreats when we have these Jess friend gatherings, so it was fun to watch him listen to what her friends had to say about her.

I was pleasantly surprised by Geoff. He was given the option to be skipped over, or say only appropriate things. He said that the thing he'll remember most about her was her role in "Bye Bye Birdie" when she played Mae Petersen, and how incredibly funny she was and she literally stole the show. Fully expected, he ended with "And I will miss nothing about you."

He's ready for her to leave. He's ready to have a life to himself. And I am okay with that. I do feel relief that there is SOMEthing that he remembers fondly of her.

And I hear her when she talks to her friends. She relates stories about things he has done and said that are awesome and funny. To his face I'm sure she wold never tell him that she thinks they are awesome and funny. But last night I heard her relate at least two stories about him that were great stories (the "I can't wait until I grow up" and "I hurt my foot on the same nail!" stories). Her friends were in stitches, and I know that she maybe knows he isn't the complete little shit that he seems to be most of the time.

At the end, Eric broke my heart because I know he is going to miss her so much. There is no doubt that I love this kid and how much a part of her life he's been for the last 5 years or so... he's so wonderful. He is like a son to me... a great role model for Geoff, and a like-soul to Jess.

It was a very good time, and a great party. Normally I would have opened the house to pantloads of kids to crash out and sleep here in the livingroom, like during graduation weekend. But I made it clear (to Eric's disappointment as well as others) that I was probably not in the best frame of mind to have piles of puppies sleeping in the livingroom when I needed to get things done in the morning.

I am going to miss that...

And I predict a giant sleep over during Christmas.

field trip photos, gardening

Last night I wanted to take the kids to see Jonah, the Veggie Tales movie but a quick look through the Boston.com movie listings didn't have a mention of its existence. No review, no showtimes anywhere in the state. So we went to see Spy Kids 2, which wasn't as good as Spy Kids 1 in my mind. It had its moments, and Antonio Banderas ... has gorgeous eyes and the greatest nose in movies today (yes, greater than my adoration for Owen Wilson's nose. Banderas' nose is small, perfect, perky. Beautiful.).

But I digress. I could have sworn that the TV commercials I've seen have the movie out on October 4. Even the trailer in the Spy Kids 2 previews have it released on October 4.

I just went to the Jonah webpage and there is a link to Fandango, the movie ticket purchase site. According to them, the movie isn't showing within 40 miles of a search radius of my house. Which I find hard to believe. The Fandango site says it is "Playing Everywhere!"

Uh, no. Liar pants.

So I went to the official "Big Idea" Website, and they have a full listing with phone numbers of ALL the theatres showing the movie, and a note saying Fandango only shows movie listings for that particular weeks worth of showings.

The list cracked me up -- It is showing all over the Bible Belt, the southwest and California, but not here in the nearly Godless Commonwealth, or anything North of Virginia or East of Ohio!

But the site says that October 18th is the second roll out of the film, so hopefully that'll be in our neighborhood, three theatres near us are marked with the October 18th asterisks.

---

Today I slept in late. Geoff played in the livingroom with his LeapPad reading system. For hours. Last week I'd bought him a new Superman reading book for the LeapPad and he's played with it constantly since.

The batteries finally died on the thing, and he came in and woke me up to change them.

Then Jessica got up and they started to fight. Sleeping time was over.

We went and picked up medicine at the vet for Kinger, as we were out totally. We went and bought some mums, planted them. They are huge. I had two that I have no idea what to do with, so I put them in pots on the porch. I am not a big fan of mums, but they are hearty and they come back every year. I am a lazy gardener I guess. So these ones are big and perky, purple and white. It feels like fall at my house, and I'll be sad when the tomatoes, petunias, morning glories and snapdragons are fully dead. Sigh.

Our floral efforts this year were pretty lame. The vegetables paid off big time. But for some reason none of our flowers did well, except the six huge sunflowers I planted behind the house in the full heavy sun. They were extraordinary. I wanted to take a picture of them, but we ended up losing them in a wind storm. I didn't tie them up against the fence.

But they were there and glorious, for a while.

---

Here are some of the pictures from the field trip and the past couple days of our existence, including a quick geocache that we went on when Doug got out of work on Tuesday... I don't have much to write about today. I want to go sit out on the deck and soak up the remaining rays of gorgeous fall sunlight.

Here's Jack fresh from his morning swim today. He is constantly wet. The stupid thing refuses to stay out of the water... he's in for a rude surprise when it freezes!	Doug and Jessie finding the Geocache in Atkinson, NH. It was a quick and easy one, right after Doug got out of work. We headed over there. What a nice treat...
The girls with a woman pretending to sit outside a 1942 WW2 era shoppe. From Left to right, K, the lady, A, Jessica, and sitting is C. This was the only picture I took that K smiled in.	K on C's lap, A on Jessica's. Inside the swing under the zinfandel grape arbor at the Welsh house at Strawberry Banke. "Mrs. Welsh," a woman in costume, gave them her permission to sit.
I forget which house this is, but it used to be the Governor's Mansion. The gardens at this house are spectacular. Best porch swing ever. K is kind of smiling.	In the Sukkot at the Shapiro home. The Shapiro home was my favorite -- because they had tons and tons of photographs of the family. Got a real feel for who lived there.
And here the girls decided to ham it up on a cruddy old tree stump. I love how A has her hand on Jessica's head. Jessica's trying not to pee herself laughing. K is there in front. She refused to climb on the tree stump. It was too disgusting. She looks ... Very Serious. As I said before... she was an interesting child to have around for the day. I didn't dislike her. She has a quiet intensity that most fifth graders (especially these other three clowns in the picture) lack.

I took this picture for the Mirror Project but won't send it in without permission from the parents. I showed Jessica's teacher these pictures on the LCD of my camera, and explained why I took the mirror project picture. She cringed and shook her head "Oh, I wouldn't send something like that out to the internet." She didn't even say "be sure to ask the parents if they have a problem with it before you send it in... which is what I planned to do.

So she'd probably freak if she saw this. But I sincerely doubt she knows about this journal at all. And, it's a darn funny picture. K is there, third from the left, and she got into it. You can barely see C back there behind Jessie. I should have arranged them better. I had a great time with these girls. I'd chaperone again.

Alright. Enough. It's a beautiful day. I can't let it get away.

I am a Gen X'er

The past few days have been a flurry of work, work, housework, running kids around, and more work. I've been at cateringman's for three straight days. I'm off the hook today and tomorrow, today being Thursday and I must work with prof MF on her class so that means I can't possibly dedicate myself to working for him (he understands, his wife is a colleague of prof MF so he knows how much work I'm doing over there). Tomorrow I'm chaperoning a field trip for my daughter's class.

Hurricane Isidore should hit right as we are getting on the busses. We're heading to Portsmouth NH, and it's a mostly outdoor trip, so I'm wondering if they will postpone it.

If they don't, I'll need a good rain hat.

Anyway -- back to my life. Which is what this is all about, right?

I finished reading Microserfs, which I started this summer while in Chicago. It was on Scott and Sarita's bookshelf, so during the three days we spent there I read about three quarters of it. On Monday I took Geoff to get a new pair of glasses because his current pair was just constantly popping out the left lens. They actually gave that pair back, which they usually don't do, but the manager of this particular lenscrafters has been really good to us, and he's cool... so he handed them to me and told me that I should keep them as a back up just in case of emergency.

We went to the bookstore while waiting, and I grabbed three Douglas Coupland books. Microserfs, Generation X and Miss Wyoming. I wanted Girlfriend in a Coma but they didn't have it.

So in finishing Microserfs, I'm noticing that I think it will be a perfect novel to incorporate into the class I'm co teaching with professor CM this spring on Technology and Society.

I just started reading Generation X... and Amy, if you are reading this -- I think Coupland agrees with you twenty fold on your passionate life stance. You should check it out. I'm about 70 pages into it, but I think that what you and I both feel about a passionate life is a by-product of being born after 1960 and before 1970. It's not just your opinion -- I think the majority of people who at the time that particular book was written were were called "Twenty Somethings" feel.

Dave, the guy I knew from Oregon who went kinda crazy, carried "Generation X" around like a Bible. He quoted from it and Nietzsche all the time. I was reluctant to ever read the book, simply because I thought it would be a whole lot of crazy bullshit (just because Dave was crazy). But I finally broke down and am reading it... and enjoying it. But it does make me feel sad and empty.

And I know I'm never ever taking another McJob again as long as I live anyway. My resume has grown up enough to mean I won't have to. I've got that requisite 5-10 years experience at something. I guess that's because I had kids early and got forced into a settled mode, as opposed to so many people I know who work jobs to save money and then travel all over the place. They are perpetually poor, but they've seen the entire world. My friend Sara has been to India twice, is currently studying advanced yoga education with some swami yoga dude in like Nepal or some crap... but she works on an apple harvest farm every fall and doesn't own a car. She house sits for people, and teaches yoga, and makes more money than I do.

I don't know if she pays taxes.

It's funny because we're well into our thirties now. When does this lifestyle stop?

Well. I don't have enough time to continue pondering the status of an aging Generation X... I'm off to do the professor MF thing. Perhaps a little more later. There is other stuff on my mind, but I just don't have enough time in the day to really slam it in here.

Class over, Road Trip, Parental responsibility (or, the time Jessie almost drowned with 3 adults watching).

Class is over. Everyone in it got at least an A-. A couple A projects there. The students were splendiferous. I can say no more to praise them. Amazing. An institute week like this is pretty intense. 8:30am-4:30pm DAILY for the same amount of credits you get in a semester. They worked so hard, and I am so amazingly drained by this that I could sleep all day now. I am also amazingly proud of them for how hard they worked and all the effort they put in.

And working with Professor CM is always so much fun. When we get together we get silly. And he so praises me when we're done. This is the third class we've taught together. And each time he tells me that I need to be doing this vocationally and not just for fun. He tells me I have such a natural gift for teaching teachers.

I also am a complete whack job.

One of the kids lost his entire powerpoint presentation, and he was rebuilding it and working hard yesterday afternoon. Three or four students were left and CM and I were joking around about how this particular lab machines are so evil. And I brought up the scene in "Office Space" where Peter gives a "gift" to Samir and Michael. You know the scene. They take the fax/printer out into a field and beat it to death with a baseball bat. I told the kids I'd make the same gift to them, and started picking one of the monitors up singing the "don't it feel good to be a gangsta" song or whatever that lyric is, and they all laughed and laughed and laughed. It was priceless.

---

By this time tomorrow we should be north and east of Pittsburgh heading in on our final approach. It all seems so surreal. I still have to pack. Laundry. Still so much to do. I've gotten a lot done though. Movies to the Media lab to digitize for Professor 2's project, edits done and ready to FTP after I do this entry. Dog to Dan's for dogsitting, that's done. Oil changed in the car, yes. Still have more work for Professor 2's site, but may just do something like wake up early and do work. I don't know if I can sustain thinking much past 6pm tonight.

---

So in all this week I've seen some amazing stuff and have wanted to write about it but actually having a job has prevented me from having a moment to write. Plus, if I didn't have the job, I would probably not have seen some of the stuff I saw, so I will just say that it is a double edged sword of sorts. Not getting out into society/the world/traffic/stores means you don't see crazy stuff to write about; but getting out into society/the world/traffic/stores means you are wiped by the time you get home.

Oh the horror.

I can't outline everything. This entry would be 1000000000 characters long. And I don't have the energy, but I've got enough to give you a good entry before I vanish for 10 or so days.

One of the amazing things I witnessed this week was a woman. She was walking a baby in one of those baby jogging jalopies that all the yuppie schmucks use. A regular stroller is no good for these people -- they need to pay 200 bucks for a lightweight, shock absorber equipped piece of space transportation for their kids so they can walk fast or jog or run or whatever and the kid won't get retinal detatchment from all the stress.

You know 'em. You've seen 'em.

Anyway, I'm sitting at a stop sign with my mom in the passenger's seat, my kids in the back. I'm waiting for traffic coming from my left so I can make a right hand turn. I look to my right and watch this woman, walking at a really fast pace talking on a cell phone and pushing a baby jogger.

She walks RIGHT off the curb and in front of me and keeps going, laughing and talking. She didn't even LOOK at me. I was just about to go, and totally would have killed her kid.

Mind you, I was at a stop sign, I wan't moving. Had I been and I didn't stop in time... baby fricasse.

So I roll down the window and tell her that next time she doesn't look before stepping into the street someone is going to hit her. She looks over her shoulder and yells "I was in the cross walk, you had to stop."

That's not the point, you've obviously applied too much peroxide bleach to your already mentally defected head, bitch.

So I tell her that is not the point (leaving the bitch and peroxide comments out) and she continues to yell at me.

I started to drive off and yelled "good luck with your child."

I would have liked to have told the child "good luck getting raised by a mom who thinks crosswalks are magical places where no one can hit you," but the kid wouldn't have understood.

The thing that gets me about the whole interchange is that folks seem to think that they are entitled to do whatever the fuck they want without giving any thought to anything, and that if something bad happens they are a lawsuit away from being justified in their stupidity.

This woman is in Massachusetts. When you are out for a walk in any town or city in this state you should be on heightened awareness of crazy assed drivers who take stop signs as suggestions or think that the ones with white borders are optional.

I didn't cross into the cross walk, I was behind it. My point to her was that she didn't even look. She didn't even LOOK at me. Did she think I was a parked car? Did she think that perhaps I was a figment of her overactive imagination? Was her pony tail too tight? Had she not had enough protein or carbohydrates that day to cause brain function to operate normally? Whatever her reason, she obviously is in need of some guidance and should not be allowed to walk and talk on a cellphone at the same time.

Damn.

Can you tell I'm still irked by this incident which happened last weekend? I am just amazed. I mean, so the fuck what it was the crosswalk? Does that make you safe just because it is green and white paint? Does it by its simply being there suddenly create some sort of space buffer zone thwarting danger?

MEH!

So that's a rant that had to get out of my system. Which leads me into softer territory.

The other day Tess wrote about a small child who drowned in a lake near her house in Alaska. Sounds like another case of parents thinking that just because there is a life guard there they can cease being responsible.

While I agree with her overall general assessment of a lack of parental responsibility in general in life, I can't be too harsh on those parents or adults in that situation (as opposed to cell phone baby jogger girl above).

I cannot remember if I've written this before so forgive me in advance if you've already read this here. I had a situation when Jessica was 2 that almost resulted in her drowning, and all it took was a split second of distraction to nearly lose me my daughter. I was at a lifeguard free lake out in Western Massachusetts one hot August day with my roommate from college, Laurie, her husband, and their two kids.

Laurie was on the beach standing and looking out at us in the water, her son Elijah was digging in the sand at the water's edge. Jessie was playing in about 2 feet of water not too far from where Laurie was standing, and I was out in 4.5 feet of water with Christopher and Sarah. Christopher got bit by a huge horsefly and I looked at his shoulder and put some cool water on the bite, Sarah was hanging around his neck, and he was squatted down holding on to her. Laurie looked at Elijah digging.

Then I looked up.

All three of us, 2 seconds -- Jessie's not visible.

I felt my stomach drop, and I yelled to Laurie "Where is Jessie?" She turned and looked behind her and saw no Jessie on our towels, and I started running toward the lake shore. Laurie was in the water with both hands down and face in. The water was filled with silt from Jessie kicking and splashing and was the color of a large cup of coffee with not enough cream in. She was invisible.

We couldn't find her.

I was starting to panic when Laurie found her hand and pulled her up out of the water. In my mind I still see her face as she inhaled that first breath, like the first breath from birth almost, her eyes wild and open and crazy. A film of water across her eyes and mouth, a cowl almost. Laurie had her by the wrist and yanked her up six feet in the air and immediately wrapped her arms around her.

All told -- 10 seconds. Seemed like a goddamn lifetime. She coughed a bit and I spent the rest of the day sitting on the lake shore next to her, next to Elijah, still digging in the sand as she did nothing but sit there next to me close.

Parental responsibility is a beautiful thing for sure. But once in a while, I can attest, that line of sight between you and your child gets severed and something happens. And then they are gone. I am so damn lucky and will owe Laurie for this for the rest of my life.

When I was little I remember always playing in the clothing racks at Sears while my mother shopped. I would get inside the house of shirts and pants and stand on the frame of the large circular chrome frame. I would hear my mom calling, and sometimes I would giggle and laugh and hide. Hiding and playing were things that we did, and at any time, someone could have said to my seven year old self "hey, come over here and look at this shirt! I bet your mommy would buy it for you!" and they would lead me towards the children's department and out the side supply door to kill me.

I am amazed sometimes that I've made it to age 35.

My mom was a responsible parent. I am a responsible parent. Jogging cellphone girl, well... perhaps she is a responsible parent. We all think we are responsible parents. But sometimes... perhaps we all need a refresher course.

Tomorrow I depart for a trip with my son and daughter and husband that will result in our being in a car for way too many damn hours, through too many states and a province, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, Canada, New York, maybe Vermont, Massachusetts... It'll be a longassed trip. I hope my parenting skills are superior in the process.

Alright. Enough rambling. More when I get back. I'm outta here, and Tess -- thanks again for the doggie biscuits. They were a big hit. Congratulations to Carrie for becoming an aunt for the first time ever on 8/8 (to Elijah, second white boy we know named Elijah). Talk to you in a week or so. Be good. Enjoy the dog days of summer.

Detroit Rock City

This morning I'm flicking around the TV stations looking for something to watch. I'd slept later than intended, missed the beginning of church. Geoff and I were the only ones up. Sunday morning TV is horrid. By the time Doug got up I was ready to throw the remote in the blender, and I stumbled across one of my all time favorite "teen" movies.

"Detroit Rock City." Baby!!!

Doug rented it one night a year or so ago. I'd heard bad reviews about it, and was sort of skeptical. But we watched it and I was hooked. Who could go wrong with this formulaic teen comedy, with some added on gross-out humor (Ed Furlong drunk and puking in front of a bar filled with sex starved women waiting patiently for him to finish and then do a striptease. Really unnecessary)?

The story is set in a Detroit suburb in 1978 and tells the tale of Jeremiah (who would rather be called "Jam" cause it's cooler) and his burnout friends, Hawk, Trip and Lex.

Sam Huntington portrays the very misunderstood by his mother Jam with doe-eyed sweetness and makes me think of my husband Doug in late 1988, with his hair long and slightly curly. Ed Furlong, best known for his role in the Terminator movies, is Hawk, ringleader and smart guy. Mom is perfectly cast, she is Lyn Shaye who you'll remember as Magda in "There's Something About Mary."

The boys are in a KISS garage rock tribute band. They want to go see KISS in concert, but Jam's chain-smoking hypocrite mom burns his tickets in a fit of Catholic anti-rock/anti-KISS fueled rage. They're screwed, or are they?

How will these loyal members of the KISS army get to see the band of their longing? It looks hopeless. Jam is sent to a Catholic all boy's school and his band mates devise a cunning plan. They spring him and head to Detroit because Trip thinks he won tickets on the radio in a phone in contest. Along the way, they get into horrible and funny situations and have to get themselves out of them.

Things get completely out of control, the way they do in wacky teen movies, and these four friends have a night they will never forget, filled with romance and raw sex, puking, convenience store robberies and watchdog taming.

It's a ridiculous premise, but like my adoration of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, movies like this always intrigue me. How WILL these seemingly mentally impared people get out of their mess. Why is Jam such a nice guy and friends with these three pothead jerkoffs?

Why does this kid remind me so much of Doug when I met him???

It's freaky.

Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed burning an hour and watching this movie. If you've never seen it, I'm not surprised. A ton of movies came out in 1999 that overshadowed this one, including 10 Things I Hate About You and American Pie. It is the single most underrated film of that year, even though it had to compete with a guy having sex with a homemade baked good. So even though it is exciting and intelligent, and a glimpse into teenage history as opposed to current teenage life... that's why no one knows about it. No one boofed a pie. So rent it if you haven't seen it. Let me know what you think.

---

We went geocaching yesterday. Two in one place, the Ward Reservation in Andover.

The first cache was easy as pie (not American Pie though...). The second one was much harder. We didn't pack any water... I thought the two locations were not in the same place and that we'd pass a store on the way to the second one. Doug misunderstood me in saying that I wanted to stop and buy water. So Jessica was very whiney and complainy. As usual.

The second cache was hidden near Boston Hill clear at the far end of the reservation, almost out of it. It was a bear at times to get the kids to walk up. Even Geoff was wilting. All told it was over four miles of hiking. Thing is, I could have kept going. For the first time in a number of years, I feel great and strong. The view from the top of the hill and the wild blueberries growing low to the ground were intoxicating. The smell of the ferns deep in the damp forest made me swoon with joy. And the fact that I ignored the moans and complaints of my kids and kept myself happy for a change -- that's priceless.

When we were coming to the opening in the field at the top of the hill wild turkey flew across the path. Doug saw both adults, I only saw one. And I saw two chicks to his three total. They were not afraid of us but kept a safe distance.

I'm so proud of both our dogs because they didn't chase them and try to catch them. They were interested and aware, Kinger did his usual "curiousity whine" but he didn't strain on leash or try and give the turkeys the bums rush. Jack was an amazing hiker... he is hardcore. We got home and he passed out on the floor and slept clear through the evening. Both dogs SO need a bath today. We took a short cut trail that went down in a holler and was all mud at the bottom. There were trees and boards laid down across the mud, but it was a mess. Both dogs decided to take leisurely rests on their bellies in the mud... so they are filthy. Kinger cleaned up pretty good, but Jack needs a shampoo. That's on my list of things to do today.

One part of the reservation that we went to is called Holt Hill (another bear to climb when you think you're done going up, after Boston Hill... voof!) and it is the highest point in Essex County, MA at a whopping 441 feet. At the top there are solstice stones in the form of a compass. You can see straight and clear through to Boston, as the vantage to the south and east is unobstructed. It is beautiful. Getting there is easy when you take the direct path up the hill, so we'll be sure to go back again to just see the view from there, and torture the kids with more hiking!

Today we're kind of keeping a low profile. I redid the top layers of the site here. I guess this is the fourth iteration of the look and feel. What do you think? How's it look? Lemme know.

Anyway. Jessie is at a friend's house. Doug and Geoff are playing Sonic, and I need to shower and put together a shopping list. We need a full blown trip to the grocery store today. I'm hoping to get Doug to do it. Perhaps if I fake a nap he'll feel that it needs to get done so he'll do it.

I got interesting email from a friend the other day letting me know that another friend who currently resides in San Francisco will be visiting the area next week. He's in a wheelchair after a car accident while en route to a medieval festival where he was performing/participating a few years back. I'd lost track of him after corresponding with him for a little while in 2000, so I'm greatly looking forward to seeing him again. He was instrumental in my friendship and bonding with Doug and Clayton, and a lot of other people, so I am happy to get to see him and reconnect with that part of life. He was my first and only Dungeon Master when I played D&D in college (nerd alert! I warned you I was a nerd!) and I always had great fun with him. We'll host the visit because it will be relatively easy to get him into the house here as opposed to our other friend's home which is not handicapped accessible.

And we have to finish hanging drywall this week. Oh the joys.

Where is the summer going???

I have a million and a half pictures from our day yesterday. We left early. We stayed out late. It was fun. We went to Rockport, quite unexpectedly so apologies E.M. that I didn't give you a call or anything. We started the day out down in Beverly at Long Hill, a property belonging to the trustees of reservations. They have nice gardens. And my mother in law LOVES gardens. We didn't intend to go to Rockport... or Gloucester. But we did.

We have a tendency to like to go over to Newburyport or Portsmouth NH more when we have guests. I swear I haven't been to downtown Rockport in 10 years aside from a brief interview to do some bitchy art woman's webpage four years ago. It was winter. No one was there. I didn't even get a ticket when I parked in an expired meter and didn't have a coin to feed it with. I hate going to Rockport or Gloucester in the summer.

As much as I like the actual towns and what they have to offer, I hate the...

a) traffic
b) tourists
c) obscene prices for things I'd like to buy
d) parking situation
e) all of the above

They are nice places, honestly. I love to go to them and see them I just wish I wasn't one of 1,900,000,000 people there at that given second. The more time I spend not living on the north shore, the more I appreciate NOT being on the north shore. While it is nice to visit, I think my blood pressure would be astronomical if I actually had to deal with living in either of those two towns.

But I digress. Totally.

Here are some pictures from yesterday.

Long Hill, Trustees of the Reservations (follow the links to learn more about the beautiful places in this state you can visit...)

The garden gate - made of twisted branches. I loved this!	Geoff in front of the garden gate, with his far lookers and a map. He's gung ho!
They had three beautiful lotus ponds, four feet deep and still as glass. I love the way the clouds are reflected here, and the flowers were blooming so sweetly	The house has a huge wisteria growing up the back side, and it was just lovely. It is modeles after homes in Charleston SC., from the entries to the porches to the terraced gardens.
lace cap hydrangias. I hate hydrangias, but these were so beautiful. and while I admit to hating hydrangias, yes... i have a ton of them in my garden... don't ask me why.	Interesting bird hanging out in the garden...
Jessica takes advantage of meditation time by the lotus pool	Geoff on the "wobblyboard" bench. The kids could have stayed here all damn day if we didn't drag them off.
Geoff met one of the staff members, John, who is studying botany in college. John was very intriguing to Geoff, and Geoff followed him around asking him questions.	John asked Geoff to help him use a tool to pull up saplings growing up in the garden. Geoff was more than happy to oblige...

Essex, Rockport, Gloucester

The Salt Marsh from Farnham's parkinglot while we discussed where we were going.	Motif 1 in Rockport, with "The Formidable" very small tall ship by its side.
Door florals... very lovely. There was a lot of lovely gardening happening on the Streets of Rockport...	View from the Backside of the Teddy Bear Inn
Too damn cute. I vomited. Thanks. Kidding.	Dude was WAY too into lighthouses, I could tell. He was enthralled by the fishermen pulling the catch of the day up onto trucks...
Beautiful view of the little harbor of Rockport.	This dog cracked my shit right up. He hopped right up on that post and sat there like that while his owners went in and bought fudge. Holy crap I laughed.
	"Once had a love, but it was a gas. Then turned out, had a house of glass..." "Uh, no Blondie, try the lyric HEART of glass there, see if it works better... take nine hundred, thirty two..."
Sunset at St. Peter's Square in Gloucester... and Jessica at the St. Peter's Square Buoy.

---

Today we spent a lot of time hanging out here, and then had to go up to get Geoff's glasses reshaped and relensed, he wrenched them and a lens popped out. While we were at it, we did a geocache in Windham, NH called "Deer Leap."

I'm pictured here with a giant crow's feather in my ponytail. It was in our backyard... and we brought it for the cache, only it was too big to fit in the box, so I carried it with me the rest of the day.

It was fun taking my inlaws, much more fun than I thought it would be ... it was an easy hike, and they love the outdoors but I don't think they get out into it too deeply often enough. It was a very easy geocache, and my mother in law impressed me with her sense of humor, one of the biggest things I love about her. Geoff was in awesome form today, behaved pretty damn well, and showed them the way on the hike... he is such the trooper.

We had a lovely barbecue dinner with fresh corn from a farmstand in New Hampshire. I'm ready for bed, and should go be more sociable. They're watching the Black Adder movie that Doug got me for my birthday. It's the one where he travels through time. My favorite part is when he beats up Shakespeare and yells at him "this is for every high school student ever who had to study your horrible plays," and kicks him saying "this is for Kenneth Brannagh's version of Hamlet." Hugh Laurie is in it of course, and he's genius. I love him.

Rupa got after me the other day saying I should write more about stuff that I think, rather than the day to day activities. She has a point. It being summer, and me being willing to act crazy and run around with feathers sticking out of my head, I have kept things rather light. I'll think of something weighty to write about opinion wise, and post something eventually. I could do a whole tirade on dog crap, hence the picture at the very top of the page today, because I have serious issues about people leaving dogshit on sidewalks... I've talked about it before in the Marblehead memories of my crazy psychologically imbalanced former neighbor. So I'll come up with something Rupa, I promise!

Geocaching!

Today we went Geocaching for the first time. We tried two. We didn't find either cache.Which was somewhat of a total drag.

On the first cache, we spent 90 minutes hanging out, hiking, climbing, searching, looking in Newbury right along the Parker River, with Masconomet High School off in the distance. It was loads of fun. We got tons of bugbites, Geoff almost took a header into the river, due to his insistence that the water wasn't deep and he could swim (neither of which were true at all. the water WAS very deep, Kinger couldn't get himself out and I had to rescue him, and Geoff sort of can swim when his feet touch the bottom).

I was incredibly bummed not to have found the cache box, but you know, I had a wicked fun time. Wicked being something New Englanders say for "good" or "excellent."

Doug has a stick in one hand (for poking and whacking snakes, if need be), a GPS in the other, and his feet in the marsh. Where the hell is this cache!

Geoff looks like he's about to jump in, but in reality he's about 20 feet away from the edge of the rocks

The second cache I didn't even want to GO on, being totally exhausted from the first, but Doug, being persuasive and joyous, said "this one looks so easy. The reviews said "found in 17 minutes from my car..." etc.

So we went.

Ugh. It was horrid. We parked on the wrong side of where we should have been and walked hard, steep terrain for two hours. If it had been the only cache hunt of the day, we would have found it and not been so wiped out. But we turned back about 3/10 of a mile from our goal. The bugs were coming out, and we had a babysitter coming to the house and left no note for her to expect us to be late... so we bailed.

We're 0-2 on geocaching. Meh!

By the way, I'll be building up a site for Doug, since he is the master of the GPS, under his area outlining all our upcoming geocaching attempts.

Happy 10th Birthday Jessica

.Ten years ago tomorrow at about 8pm I gave birth to my first child. I was 25, Doug was 23. The world is a lot different here in the little universe that is our family than it was on that sunny day, and it is also different out in the greater universe as well. But on this day, a decade ago, it was all about us. And her.

She was due ten years ago today, so I can go ahead and write this entry. This would have been her birthday, possibly.

She didn't come on the 10th, but the next morning she started her entry to the world very early. Mostly due to physics. My downstairs neighbors were fighting at 7 am. They were total losers who would sit at home all day cooped up in the apartment collecting SSI and smoking pot. They were into it tooth and nail, and I sat up in bed (rather forcefully and with vim and vigor) so I could go down there and kick their asses. And I broke water.

Like a cannon, I broke water. All over the cat at the foot of the bed. All over the wall. I was shocked. I didn't think that was possible but there it was. A shrieking cat, fighting neighbors, and my poor husband who had gotten home from work at 4am trying his best to sleep through it all.

"Honey," I shook him tentatively, "Honey wake up. I broke water."

"gmfrphgph."

"Honey seriously, I think it's time to have the baby."

"Are you sure you broke water?" He hadn't even rolled over to look at me. The poor thing was one tired puppy.

Uh, ask the cat. "Yeah, I'm sure." So he rolls over and sees the mess, sees the cat, sees me and says "Okay then," with a slight excitement but more of a stunned awareness.

Actual labor with her didn't start until 2pm. She was born at 7:57pm. "Just in time for the Simpsons!" I said to Doug as they handed her to me. I never knew that 10 years later she'd be a certified expert in Simpsons lore. So that's how she came here.

It was all pretty shocking, but with time I got used to being a mommy. And I enjoyed her being a baby. I enjoy her now being a big girl, with her sardonic wit and her crazy laugh that just won't stop even when I say "Okay, we get it. Time to stop laughing like a freak."

Back then though, she wasn't yet the talented writer and watercolor artist, the tallest girl in her class, the expert in the kitchen and big fan of Alton Brown. She was a baby. A little tiny baby. And she was all ours. June 11, 1992 was a day that changed my life forever.

What can I say about the person who singlehandedly changed my life, my outlook, my body and my soul?

What can I give her when I have no money to buy her the horse she wants, or take her to the movies to see every movie she wants?

How can I raise her so she'll be kind to others, not care about what others think of her, and always do the right thing, no matter what?

She made me want to have more, and she makes me never regret for one minute the fact that I have her. Sometimes she wears me out. Sometimes she is downright cruel to her brother. Othertimes, I'm amazed at the depth of understanding and genius she exhibits. She shocks me, she stuns me, she makes me proud. She overwhelms me, and she makes me laugh my ass off. She's the best.

One of the things I like to do to her is take her to the grocery store, and then dance in the aisle around her to whatever crap song they are playing on the muzak. She feigns embarassment, and laughs at me. The one thing I can say that I still can do is make her laugh.

Sometimes she dances with me, and I know that she's my offspring. A freak. A happy freak.

I will look back on that with immense joy when I'm old and in a home.

And she's payin' the bill.

Today I look back on a decade. One where my husband and I packed on the weight, the debt, the work experience, assumed ownership of property, added dogs and another kid to our clan.

I look at political changes, turmoil, scandals, tragedies, national emergencies and once in a while great sporting events.

I put the day to day happenings into perspective by looking at my daughter and realizing that history happens while our children grow. Sometimes we pay closer attention to current events or sitcoms than we do our kids. But I try really hard to look at them as growing with our country, developing like we did through the 70s and 80s.

Jessie will hopefully be survive the bad fashion, horrible pop music ensembles, and perhaps come into their own and make an impact on history in a positive way. Then, she will have her own kids and be able to watch them evolve with the times, help them grow through it. I can only hope we do a great job.

Some would say that the first ten years of her life we can show that we have done a great job. She's a great kid. Has her flaws, but hell it's her birthday so let's over look those. She certainly is the most unique 10 year old I know. And hopefully will remain a good friend to me for the decades to come.

But now comes the hard part -- the next ten years of her life. The teen years. Eventually, college. Cross your fingers. Pray for us. Wish us luck.

People tell you when you're going to have a baby that it's going to change your life, RUIN your life. You're never going to have fun again. You'll never be able to go out. They'll wreck all your stuff. You'll be in debt until you die exhausted and grey of hair at an early age.

Usually these people don't have kids. Keep that in mind when they offer you advice. They just know what they THINK, not what is true.

They see it as the end of your youth, the end of what's important.

What they don't know due to their total lack of perspective, and what people who already have kids don't tell you (they keep quiet because they know the secret) is that the kid thing WILL change your life.

It will make you different. It will make you stronger. It will make you wiser, more aware. Less of an asshole. Less shallow. Less selfish. You have to be. Someone relies on you. Someone NEEDS you for everything. And you are ABLE. You are not prepared, but you learn.

And these little people come into your life and rip your heart out when they cry, when they get hurt. They make you brave, they make you stand up for them because they need an advocate. They become your reason, your purpose. And you love them more than anything you ever imagined possible.

They change your life alright. They ruin it sometimes, for a minute or two, perhaps for a lifetime if things don't turn out perfect. But when they are born, they are yours and a blank slate, and you are a creator. A teacher, a guide, an artist and a mad scientist. You form them, shape them, guide them and protect them. You are a police officer and a guidance counselor. You are a hero and a bane to their existence.

You are a parent, and you are new and different from that minute forward.

I love this girl.