Transition Time

I have been incredibly stressed out about money. Paralyzingly so. Because we are in a long-standing dispute with Bank of America, we have a shit credit rating right now. We were declined for Jess' student loan for Pitt, and we leave here on Saturday. Doug reached out to his parents and his dad is co-signing on her first year's worth of loans. We're hoping life will be better, and that she can establish herself as an independent student, and obtain her own loans without our history tarnishing her. I am unable to fall asleep at night just thinking about this.

My advice to you if you have small people is no matter how hard it is to put money aside, earmark 100 bucks a month to your 529 plan, now. We didn't start until last year. We only raised 7000 dollars. So if you have wee ones, start early, and be serious about it. You won't regret it.

Last night we hosted a little bonfire for Jess in honor of her leaving for college rather soon. I didn't want it to be a party party with tons of food -- but I ended up bbq'ing burgers for about 20 hungry kids (and my husband and son too), and in between silly stories and a round of "Apples to Apples Junior" we did a little "separation ritual" for Jess. My friend Agnes had sent me an article about having time set aside for family to talk to the "leaver" about how their departure will change your life.

Because I know that her friends love her so, and most of them are not going away away (Courtney is going to southern Maine, Marissa is going to Worcester, and tons of her friends are underclassmen) I figured it would be an interesting exercise.

We built a fire in the fire pit, and I got Jessica's "Pimp Hat" and her purple and white feather boa. She got placed in a chair, with pimp hat perched, and her friends circled round. I had them wear the feather boa and share two things: their favorite memory of her, and then what they will miss most about her. I told all of them to turn off their phones. No texting, no web browsing, nothing. Be in the moment -- don't get distracted, and really spend time listening to each other and sharing with Jess.

It got really silly, and a couple people got slightly teary. A lot of it centered around her strength of will. Nick said that the one thing he will always remember is that even when she was most pissed off about things and situations, she would bitch with humor.

That's mah girl. yo.

She would always throw her hands up in the air and flail them around while strongly voicing her displeasure, and make it funny. People who had gone away with her on trips (the German trip and the NYC trip with the Germans) all had funny memories, like Lee recalling a creeper who jumped out of an alley in Manhattan and said some wacky things to them, scaring the piss out of them.

Nick's parents were present for the "ritual," and participated and I think they were feeling it strongly because of what is happening on their homefront... Nick is going away for a semester in Ireland right off the bat (he'll be going to Plymouth NH for school but for the first semester he'll be overseas) so Mrs. Nick's Mom was a little emotional as she remembered all the fun things that she was able to witness through the years that Nick and Jess have been friends.

Nick's younger brother was there. He's a year older than Jess and I was incredibly moved by what he had to say. He loves Jessica -- and it is obvious. He made her chocolate covered strawberries for her party, and he had a lot of memories to share about her being at their house while Nick and Jess and others were working on projects for school.

Doug and I both participated -- I said there are too many good memories that I have of her. I thought that I might cry but I didn't. I said that I was going to miss nothing, which made everyone laugh, but the truth is that this is the right time and exactly what is supposed to happen and I am 100% convinced that her launch will be successful. And thanks to technology and facebook and what have you, she wouldn't be lost to me. I am going to miss her asking me every day, even if she's been with me all day, "How was your day, lady?" but now she can do it on skype or facebook or whatever. And our lives will be normal and wonderful, just the way they are supposed to be.

Doug got a lot of laughs because I put the feather boa on him and he made a face that made Jessica say "you think this is soooooooo stupid! that's what your face says!" But he said that he is proud of her and that he is happy she has such great friends who have been supportive to her for years. Doug normally retreats when we have these Jess friend gatherings, so it was fun to watch him listen to what her friends had to say about her.

I was pleasantly surprised by Geoff. He was given the option to be skipped over, or say only appropriate things. He said that the thing he'll remember most about her was her role in "Bye Bye Birdie" when she played Mae Petersen, and how incredibly funny she was and she literally stole the show. Fully expected, he ended with "And I will miss nothing about you."

He's ready for her to leave. He's ready to have a life to himself. And I am okay with that. I do feel relief that there is SOMEthing that he remembers fondly of her.

And I hear her when she talks to her friends. She relates stories about things he has done and said that are awesome and funny. To his face I'm sure she wold never tell him that she thinks they are awesome and funny. But last night I heard her relate at least two stories about him that were great stories (the "I can't wait until I grow up" and "I hurt my foot on the same nail!" stories). Her friends were in stitches, and I know that she maybe knows he isn't the complete little shit that he seems to be most of the time.

At the end, Eric broke my heart because I know he is going to miss her so much. There is no doubt that I love this kid and how much a part of her life he's been for the last 5 years or so... he's so wonderful. He is like a son to me... a great role model for Geoff, and a like-soul to Jess.

It was a very good time, and a great party. Normally I would have opened the house to pantloads of kids to crash out and sleep here in the livingroom, like during graduation weekend. But I made it clear (to Eric's disappointment as well as others) that I was probably not in the best frame of mind to have piles of puppies sleeping in the livingroom when I needed to get things done in the morning.

I am going to miss that...

And I predict a giant sleep over during Christmas.

Failing Baking 101

Yesterday was not a red letter day for me. In fact -- a lot of days lately haven't been. I usually try and shrug shit off my shoulders when it rains down hard, but lately it's all been just kind of holding on and building up. And thus it makes me stink.

Everything I touched yesterday turned to shit. First, I made scones for an English afternoon tea being held today. I over kneaded the batter, and they turned out not too puffy. Then, I made blueberry tea cake, the first pan turned out spiffy, the second collapsed in the middle, even though I tested it with a skewer before taking it out of the oven, so I had to rebake it.

It was a tasty mistake, but... one that I could see disappointed cateringman. Supplies and content are money. My time mixing a new batch of something I already made once is money.

Then, I get shown how to make these nasty stupid little hors d'ouevres called avacado crab cakes, and they are coming out all shitty. Cateringman comes over, and he always has this little tone in his voice. The very father like, "Let me show you how it's done..."

I almost threw a temper tantrum. I was trying my hardest, and here he was -- yet again, showing me how to do it. I suck. I suck at everything. And I was mad at me, not at him. He told me to calm down (and I did) and not to take it so personally.

This morning when I came in I apologized. The one thing I needed for him to know is it isn't ever HIM I'm mad at -- it is me. He laughed and told me it was all good.

We got a call later from the woman who ordered the scones for her party. She said they tasted like fish.

???

Fish!?!?!? WTF?!?!?

How the hell did that happen? I had very clean hands, I didn't handle an ounce or even a dollop of fish yesterday. So there is no way it is MY doing.

There may have been fish close to the batter or something after I mixed it and placed it in the walk in fridge to cool. But it was wrapped tightly and away from everything else.

Cateringman whipped up another batch of 50 real quick like, they were done in 20 minutes. He ran them over to her house personally. I felt horrible. But I know deep down that I had nothing to do with the fishiness.

He had some reserved for another gig this weekend and we all tasted them. There is a peculiar aftertaste, but... how the hell it happened none of us know.

I just can't win.

The only really good thing is that I garnished the hell out of the little tea sandwich trays, I made an ass kicking cranberry orange nut bread, which rocked so steady your socks would have fallen off if you got within 10 feet. I did a couple things right. But not enough to feel like I succeeded at catering school.

I got a call from professor CM regarding one of our projects. He showed it to the private high school which had hired him to do an annotated history links website -- he organized the links, annotated them and assigned a rating system, I built the webpage and made it graphically pretty.

The chair of the history department at this school LOVED it, and while she was meeting with CM she called up the chair of the English department to have him look at it -- we could end up doing one for them too if we are lucky.

CM was jumping up and down and screaming with joy and gushing with praise like he did in August when I co-taught the class with him. Again -- it felt good to have my ass slathered with worship. So the one thing I can do and do very well, design websites, I'm not doing. I hate my life.

---

Anyway -- we were going to go to NY this weekend to see my sister, but I had already agreed to work Friday night for cateringman at a big big big party. Lee Lee's coming up for a christening at home, and is staying a couple extra days.

But because of my prior committment, I don't get to see her. I get to wear a chef coat and work a carving station. I told cateringman to make sure the coat is extra huge.

It kind of pissed me off in a little way -- last week they begged everyone to work, and when I told him what my Friday schedule was going to be (work until 3, come home, meet the girl's bus, come back, go to gig...) he seemed surprised I was working.

"But you told me you needed me to. I cancelled weekend plans."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess I did tell you that..." Then he starts telling me what time to show up and stuff. Perhaps I could have gone to NY after all.

Hopefully we can see Linda for Christmas. Normally when she was living in New York we'd try and see each other more often. Now that she's in Florida it kind of super sucks. If her weekend wasn't so booked solid, perhaps she coulda come up here. Such is life, eh?

Not like I don't talk to her all the time. God bless the Interneck.

In plumbing news, the other day I'd mentioned that Doug was off to replace the washer in the sink once again. Well, it didn't work. No washer will stop the flow of water from the faucet. So, we decided to call a plumber before Doug started swearing like one.

He came this morning -- looked at the sink and said "They don't make PARTS for this thing anymore. You are going to have to replace the whole thing... and look at your drain pipe. Have you noticed your drain pipe?"

Yes. I had.

I had noticed that slowly it was getting... calcified and scaley. He said that's because it is rusting from the inside out. One good whack and the whole frigging thing will crack in half. He told me not to mop in the bathroom until he can replace it.

Good thing I don't mop. Guffaw.

So he had me look through some catalogues, he measured the area, told me what sink will fit. I talked to him about the possibility of doing a corner sink, kind of kitty cornered in there because it is such and implausably small bathroom. He showed me a few models in the catalog and said that he could probably do it without having to redrill from the basement...

I started to show Doug when he came home but he was too cranky to talk about it. He works a long hard day and by the time he gets back here he just wants a nap. So I'll go over things with him tomorrow. I want to tear down the wall covering in the bathroom before the sink gets installed -- so this could be the impetus for me to get that room partly remodeled in the next few weeks. Damn. Not what I expected I'd be doing. God's way of telling me it's this room's turn.

I'm not sure how much the sink and install will cost me. Cateringman and one of my co-workers told me to just go to home depot, buy a sink, install it myself.

It was all I could do to keep from laughing in their faces. HA! Me. Replacing a sink. I can't even make scones right.

---

Well, I have some MF stuff to do. Her class is attempting to meet online again tomorrow. I'm having lunch with my friend Rupa before class instead of lunch with the guys... I always see them and never see her, so she's been longing to lunch with me. I'll make that happen. It's nice to be wanted.

Alcohol....

I do not take drinking lightly. I take the words of Barenaked Ladies seriously: "I thought that drinking just to get drunk was a waste of precious booze. But now I know that there's a time and there's a place where I can choose to walk the fine line between self control and self abuse."

And today is that day.

I think I figured out exactly why I am so down. It isn't 911, the fear of terrorism, failure of my nation's leadership to ... DO something, shit or get off the pot already as it were.

It is because
no
one
listens
to a
fucking
thing i
am
saying.

Specifically -- Professor MF. And it is starting to really get on my last little frayed nerve.

For weeks now here people, you've heard me say that this isn't going to work. Well, it came about 60% close to working, which is about 40% better than I initially expected. So I'm kind of impressed.

But the other missing 40% from the success rate makes me 100% convinced that I am right. This class isn't going to work online this way, and teaching it augmented on web will be 1000% perfect.

All the students were on screen, some doubled together in the lab. MF sat with a student because the audio on the instructors PC didn't work, so I sat there zapping people out of the room because the brand new feature to block people sucks ass and doesn't work.

The students who were at home pretty much had it down, some of them were experts in minutes. Except for the two girls. The one girl had no audio, mic or speakers. So I typed to her in the chat area when I wasn't busy kicking people out of the room. The other girl would just not stop fucking talking, and with the audio delay, her words were coming in over Professor MF's, and no one could follow, no one knew what was going on.

MF would tell people to switch over to the internet browser they were in (there are 2 things open on your desktop, the Internet logged into the course content at Blackboard, and the tool for Cu-Seeme. Half the kids understood how to use the toolbar on the bottom of the screen to move from Cu-SeeMe over to blackboard, click on the content they were supposed to read/watch/listen to.

The other half--like the lead character from "Memento." They have clues. They have some idea. They just can't fit everything together. They have no short term memory. What are they supposed to be listening to? What week are we in? Who am I? Someone killed my wife and I have to find who did it and kill them.

It was very very frustrating for them and for me by the middle of the second hour, and I could see them getting mad, and I know I was. MF started to get the flow down, instructing kids NOT to talk if it wasn't their turn, to mute their microphones (girl 2 decided she wasn't being spoken to, everytime I looked at the screen her mouth was going all jabberwocky. So her efforts were fruitless.

She pressed on with the class... and when they were done, we all felt like we'd pushed a rock up a hill together and it rolled down upon our limp, sweaty bodies. At that point, she got the students to talk in the chat box, since some of them couldn't speak or be heard, to say whether or not they wanted to come back in this format next week or meet in person.

She wants very badly to make this work... and a bunch of the students do too. Some, like me, think this is a waste of time. She told them she'll give each of them an A if they hang in there, and 106 credits. All joking aside, it's nice that there are willing participants, but I think that it is just not fully realized.

But no one listens to me.

One kid can't take the class in person at all due to his schedule, so he'd end up dropping and it's past the add/drop period now. So she's got that to contend with. There are real academic issues here facing her. She has to decide what to do and do it fast. I'm amazed that I've been home an hour and the phone hasn't rung yet.

My sister emailed me during class and told me to do this:

"take your left hand, place it her right shoulder. take your right hand, place it on her left shoulder. tighten grip on shoulders and BEGIN TO SHAKE HER BACK AND FORTH AND SIDE TO SIDE WHILE SCREAMING "WHY THE FU*K WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? JEST B'CAUSE I AM NOT A PROFESSOR I STILL KICK YOUR ASS IN TECH MATTERS AND YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE UNREALISTIC OVER EDUCATED IDIOT!!!!"

"**you may smack her a couple of times between shakes, and to punctuate between insults. preferably with your right hand in a back-hand style as she is trying to right herself upright from being shaken the other direction. a back hand accompanied with a flat out slap across the face works well with satisfactory results.

"to inflict more harm on the back hand be sure all of the rings on your fingers that have stones or designs of any kind are full out and upright to cause facial scratches and dings."

Too bad I'm not wearing any rings.

So, if anyone has EARNED a drink, so help me Lord Jebus it is ME tonight. And I don't say that lightly. I don't look at alcohol as a reward for a hard day.

'cept right this very fucking minute.

She (MF) hugged me and sort of cried and moaned "God, I need a drink!" after the kids had left. She then collapsed onto the floor and curled up in a foetal position and said "Tell me why... WHY!!?? Why doesn't it work?"

I told you why it doesn't work! You didn't listen! You won't listen. You refuse to listen. And the funny thing is, the content of the class is Interpersonal Communication -- you have sections on how to listen. But you, yourself, a doctorate-holding communications specialist refuse to communicate, listen, accept and cope. Would Alanis say "Isn't it Ironic?" and be...correct for a change?

You, darling, have created this hell. And it is up to you, darling, to undo it and do it right. Teach the course as a web enhanced lecture class. Teach it the way it will work right. Teach it better than any class they will ever EVER take. I've told you this a million times. A billion million. Please. please please listen.

I didn't say it like that -- I told her that the course is wonderful but she is putting the technology before the learning, that the technology has to take a back seat to the teaching, or the kids are going to get nothing out of this.

Working with technology as an educator doesn't mean that you do the top tier of what can maybe be done -- it is when you use manageable technology which augments and enhances the learning experience. Not technology which needs to be a learning experience on its own.

If we had 2 weeks to just work with the technology and get the flow down 100% for the kids, iron out all their bugs, and make that portion of things work, I'd be 90% behind this. As is -- from one week to the next some of these kids are like goldfish and the little plastic castle will be a surprise every time... to steal from the lovely and talented Ani.

Sigh.

Top all this off with the fact that no one in my own HOUSE listens to me either. Specifically, The Boy. And the Puppy. And the Girl. And sometimes the Husband. Which is pretty much everyone. I feel like I'm talking to myself, or I'm watching a movie and yelling at it--of course getting no response, the actors will still do what they want in the scene even if I know what the outcome will be.

I'm hoping to talk to MF tonight. Tell her that she can run the class in cyberspace next week, but that I think she is totally wasting time.

Well, tomorrow should be a better day. Another Cateringman day, hopefully I won't have to cut as many onions as I did the other day. Tra-la, tra-freakin'-la. Shoot me now.