I'm not a big Coldplay fan. I sort of like their songs, but for the most part I'm not drawn in by Chris Martin's "presence."
But their new song is stuck in my head.
"Nobody said it was easy..."
I hear his voice sing high and false, I hear the piano. I think to myself, Coldplay is one of the Bands that CAL and I would argue about. A lot. And here we sit, approaching his jahrzeit, and all I can do is think of him.
There isn't a song on the radio lately (oh, he SO would have loved all that the RHCP and Audioslave are putting out) that isn't speaking to me of him.
And I just heard that our Bruce Cockburn, the man I quoted in his funeral program, will be in the River music hall on April 22nd, live.
The day after the anniversary of his death.
I am sending an email to the station, and I am going to beg them to let me be in-studio. I want to sit there and feel and hear Bruce Cockburn as he sings and plays guitar, the way that CAL would have loved. Or, if they won't let me in, I'll explain why he has to play "Joy will find a way" and dedicate it to CAL.
If CAL were alive, the two of us would be angling for how we would be able to go see him live, or, we'd listen together and jump up and down like retarded little girls. We'd hold hands, glue our faces to the radio as they interview him, and then jump up and down and sing along while he played.
I can see us. And it fucking breaks my heart.
Being there, or at least listening. It's the least I can do to mark the anniversary of his passing.
"Make me a bed of fond memories
Make me to lie down with a smile
Everything that rises afterward falls;
And all that die have first to live.
As morning becomes night,
As night turns to day...
Everything changes
joy will find a way
joy will find a way"
I hear the song, and I know it's true. Joy will find a way.
I can't believe it has ONLY been a year since one of the worst things ever happened. I can't believe this last year has been filled with daily tear-shedding events. I can't believe he's really gone.
"Nobody said it was easy..."
Fucking Heroin. Goddamn mother fucking shit. Fuck fuck fuck.
I miss him so.
I had a really great day today. And while the minutes tick past and I think of CAL at just about every beat of my pulse, I also realize that I've got a wonderful life, even if it isn't 100% what I want it to be. (I typed wan tit just then, because I type too damn fast. hee hee).
This morning I dumped Geoff at school and went to hang with Cateringman's Business Partner. Sam. He's really funny, and when I met him a year ago he scared the shit out of me -- I was petrified of him. He is Italian and loud and demanding, but he's also wicked funny and smart and respectful.
Once I got to know him I really got comfortable with him, and offered to do their website, and really blew him away with my abilities and my skill. I've got mad skill, according to Sam.
He bought a new computer a while back, and has this old piece of crap computer. He wanted to get all the old files off the old PC, and onto the new one, but MS Word doesn't recognize the file type of the software he has on the old PC. So we're converting 7 years worth of old files to .rtf format, so MS Word can read it, and we can make .doc files out of them.
"Nobody said it was easy..."
We've spent several hours converting old files, opening them in word, putting them into the new format (I designed letterhead for him, which he uses ALL the damn time, and it matches his website. Hot Mad Skill.)
And he pays me 22 bucks an hour to help him do this, twice what I get paid for food prep. Hot fucking damn.
Then, after I was done with Sam, I went back to Geoff's school where I substituted for Geoff's old teacher, the 4 year old Pre-K room. We had crazy fun, and the kids worship me. And I feel like I could work with these kids all day every day, but she's their teacher and I'm not.
They love me though. Heh. Heh. Heh. And God if I don't love them. I so do. I would so love to be their all the time teacher. I love these kids, and they lift my heart and keep me from crying when I feel I just might.
There's no school for Geoff, or for Doug and Jessica tomorrow, but I'm with my boy, Baby Ben. Tomorrow would be Good Friday, and when you don't feel like getting out of bed -- just realized that Christ rose from the dead, so hell - you can get up and make some friggin' coffee, man.
Doug's already in Vacation Mode, and is maxin' and relaxin' on the couch. All of them have next week off, which means lots of hiking, geocaching, and outdoornessness for us. Aaron & Michelle MAY come see us towards the end of the week,
I hear Doug laughing. Watchin' Jamie Kennedy Experience. I think I may join him now. Enjoying a couple beers and all set to enjoy the week upcoming with the fan damily. I hope that you are all doing well -- wherever you are. Whatever your circumstances.
"Nobody said it was easy..."
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