Crisis of Capability and Imposter Syndrome

I had a mini-meltdown today. 

I went into the day with a bunch of client calls, and my sysadmin was not on the first call. And I should not have gone forward without him but. I felt confident. I ... can do this! Yay!

Everything broke. The client contact was super nice, we rolled shit back but the internet can take a half hour or more to back pedal, and the website disappeared entirely. And I felt completely shitty. 

We regrouped an hour later with my sysadmin and went through the process again and this time it worked flawlessly. We didn't do anything different but the Dashboard did not throw errors at all. Things flowed just fine, all because my colleague was there. Right? This was one of those take the noisy car to the mechanic and it doesn't make the noise .... because the .... mechanic is there. 

I struggled today. I really did. I had this meltdown in a Slack channel at work and I poured my heart out and asked for people to send me good vibes and little emojis to make me feel better. 

And my people showed up for me. I got emoji responses, and direct messages. One of my very favorite people told me not to let any of this shit stress me out, she once took down one of our products for two days. Two. Days. So she told me that if she can survive that, and not get fired, I can survive this and not get fired. She also told me very personal things about how she used to be a junkie, before she worked here, talked her way into this job, and I have to say she's one of the smartest and most talented people I know.

I felt small and stupid compared to what she's been through. For sure, this one thing sucked but it was a half hour of suck and it wasn't really me but the fucking DNS Dashboard that shit the bed. 

When I reached back out to the guy to try again he was all "hell yeah." and we did it. He emailed me later saying he couldn't have done that without me. 

This project has been a lot. My boss has my back. My work bestie keeps telling me how hard I am killing it. But still. I feel like I shouldn't have the keys to this car some days. I should just go sit down and let someone smarter and more talented do this. 

But it's mine. My project. And we'll survive it. We will. 

As you can see below, my people came to love me. And I felt it. Tomorrow is a new day. I only scheduled one call, and that client is one I trust to be able to do all the things and it will be good. 

Maybe I'll go to the gym .... maybe. Digits below.

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours.   no walk. 5k by bedtime

blood glucose:

9am: 168
5pm: 198
11pm: 149   

food:

coffee/water/tea
12 noon: metformin; english muffin w/pb and cherry preserves
2pm: low carb wrap w/ 5 pieces of bacon, turkey, mayo
7pm: metformin+jardiance; roast chicken, mashed potatoes, stove top stuffing, carrots
vodka and seltzer (zero carbs!)