Time to start thinking about getting ready

Doug's mom is buying a condo.

She is moving out of a house she's lived in for about 50 years. She has a lot to go through we understand and appreciate this reality. It's a daunting task. We are sympathetic to the gargantuan effort ahead. Gary has been gone over 2 years, and I'm proud of her for making a big decision that has a lot of emotion tied to it.

Here are the discussions we just had:

Her plan: After closing, I will measure and order furniture and blinds.

Our suggestion: You have 2 more walkthroughs. The walls and windows are actually in. Why don't we come up with for one of them, or the day of the closing, and take the measurements for you. Record them. Give them to you. And you can start shopping for furniture and blinds now.

Her plan: I will bring a few things over one or two boxes at a time.

Our suggestion: Have a couch, a table, a bedroom set delivered for the week of the closing, and bring your coffee maker, a cup, a mug, a place setting, change of clothes. And sleep in your new space. Make it your new space. Make it official. And bring the other things over as you need. Start with this simple step.

Her plan: I am going to put boxes in the car, put things into the boxes (she can't carry more than 5 pounds at a time for medical reasons), drive the car over, take the things out of the boxes one by one.

Our suggestion: We can come up, rent a small U-haul, pack many boxes at once, between Doug, Geoff, Doug's sister/niece/nephew/husband, and maybe Doug's cousins Johnny and Jeff, and I don't know.... a bunch of the other family people, cousins, nieces, nephews and stuff...  move a bunch of things all at once.  (or you could just hire some movers already).

Her plan: I still have so many things to go through, I don't want to start putting things in boxes and have the boxes all get in the way.

Our suggestion: Then don't do that. Go through the things and purge/throw out whatever needs to be jettisoned. The more of that you get done now the better and the less stuff is in the way. (retort: "Oh, I've been doing that. I found this box of pictures and papers from 1967 and there was this picture of Gary, I didn't recognize him, from survival training in Washington State. And .... " 20 minute story ....).

(I guess going through one box and taking 7 hours is the way it's gonna be. And there are thousands of things to go through.

Her thought: I don't know if I want to bring our bedroom set. When we were looking to move before Gary died we were going to buy a new bedroom set.

Our suggestion: Then don't move it! Buy your new one, and keep this one at the old house so if you are there doing a lot of work and you don't feel like driving home you have something to sleep on. Move it later, and put it in the guest room. Or don't. Donate it or something and get a guest bed set. It doesn't have to be fancy. But this bedroom set is really good, solid furniture - just buy a new mattress and box spring for it, it's about time.

Her thought: ....

Our suggestion: Oh fer crikey chrissakes, woman.

I think that the fact she does not have to sell this house in any hurry is part of the problem. There is no fire lit to hasten this along, no date that she has to be gone.

"I need to evaluate what I need, and organize it and take it. Then what I want, and organize it and take it. Then what I don't want, and what to do with it."

My philosophy is you decide what you do not want first. Once things are out of your way, it's easier to see all the other things. Right? If you get rid of all the unwanteds/unneededs, you can then evaluate the phase 1 and phase 2 of moving. The immediate need for life of comfortableness and staying over in the new location, and then the okay this other stuff can come over next, I know what shelf to put this on.

This house will still be full of stuff for maybe 5 more years or something.

I asked Doug what happens if she dies and this house is still full of things, like how do we even deal with it. "If she never moves all the things out and sells the property, you know we're going to inherit all of this. You and your sister are going to inherit not only the property, but the things."

He did not want to talk about it, and it is the kind of thing that gives me hives. So I'm kind of feeling like maybe I'm projecting my sense of urgency on this, that she needs to take care of things sooner than later, and do all the good right things and move on to the next part of her life.

I also thought it kind of wild that we could inherit the house with his sister, and she has a house, but we or Jess or Geoff could move there. That possibility would exist. I wouldn't want to live there the way the house is laid out and some of the things that would need to be fixed up. But, that's something I said to Doug a few months ago. He shrugged his shoulders and said anything is possible.

That's a discussion for another day.

I thought of my friend C's house when he passed. C and her sister and both of their spouses came to the house to do the big clean up. Her brother in law came through and just put everything in bags to throw it all out without going through anything at all. Just pitch it all.

There were a few treasures the girls wanted of their dad's, not a lot, but when you have no true emotional connection to the thing it is as easy for you as cleaning out a fridge before you have to turn it off and open the door.

There is a balance between 7 hours on one box, and complete chucking of all the things.

I'm for sure in the middle but close to the jettison end.

I'm sentimental, will look at the thing and then it's gone unless it is priceless or truly needed. I don't have the same attachment or need to talk about the event in the picture from 1967 for 20 minutes, but I also know that you keep pictures for the most part, and you sort through and throw out the other detritus. Unless you think there's going to be a scrapbook made of these things, it's time to let them go. And also, label everything so you're not putting a pile of pictures on a table at a family reunion on a hot July day asking everyone to pick through and choose the photos they want, photos of people they can't name. No one can name.

It's her life, her plan, and we're here ready and willing to help. But get a move on a little bit. Like, do some things now. Do them. Our willingness to be of service is here for her plan.

One of our running jokes about her is we were all dressed and ready to go somewhere (I think I've written an entry about this) and we are sitting on the couch waiting. She says "Well, it's time to start thinking about getting ready." We all looked at each other like "you've got to be kidding me."

Doug's plan was to go up after the closing, use an air mattress and bring soap and a towel, and stay at the condo location (fuck that, I'm staying at a hotel). And then during the day be down at her house helping. None of this put a box in the car and then put some things in it and drive back and forth. We'll put 20 boxes in 2 cars and drive them up.

Nothing will be in the way in the new house if you pick a not-in-the-way spot to put them in, like the guest room. Start there. Staging Area. Then when it is time to unpack the things. You unpack them.

So on the phone today, she told Doug she doesn't want him to come up in August, but maybe.... late September would be better.

She is thinking about starting to get ready. The rest of us are on the couch fully dressed and she hasn't gotten out of her pyjamas yet.

He got off the phone with her, and he is pissed off. All the way pissed off.

He was in his mind banking on a week off in August to go up and help.

But sometimes his plans and thoughts are obviously not in sync with what others want to do and that's a Doug thing. Dealing with that is hard for him to do. And he just has to accept what she wants.

I have a couple of big fears here.

First is the what happens if we inherit the house 42% full of her old life. But I can't necessarily control that. That would be something different.

Second, Doug's sister lives very close to her and I have a feeling a great burden of things will be placed onto her. I don't want to see that happen.

Doug's father had to do everything for his mom, drove to Ohio 3 days a week to the nursing home where she lived. Took care of all her things, mail, laundry, everything. Periodically, his sister would swoop up into Ohio and bark orders and yell "why is this happening?" "where did this come from?" "who is doing blah blah blahh?" and Gary would have to deal with her intrusions, demands, and then the mess in the wake of her departure. Never got any help, only got criticism.

Doug is not going to be like that, I know.

He is very engaged with his mom, but I don't want for his sister to feel that he is not helping because he or we don't want to. I know in the past he's had to tell her that his offers were summarily rejected, and she's been very surprised. So they need to communicate, and she needs to be the person, I think, to let him know when the need is real.

They don't have that kind of a good communication relationship.

The next several weeks will be interesting, I think.