Trials --> Perseverance. Perseverance. --> Faith.

I've had a rough week. Luckily I had a friend be loving and supportive to me this week, when my son had problems with HIS friends at school.

As mentioned before, this journal isn't a place for me to come out and air my Geoffrey frustrations. He has no defense here, no counter-say, no options. So it isn't fair of me to get up in here and blah blah blah about problems he's having. Suffice to say, things were kind of rough, and there were many conferences by phone with people... resulting in a final ending to the week that I was happy with but only after me having to dig for the truth, and Geoff suffering because no one believed him when he was telling that truth.

I spent a lot of time crying this week.

I was very happy to be at work, away from the house and family. That is kind of funny for me to say, because no matter where I work normally I'm thrilled to go home, be with the kids, make dinner, participate here where I feel most happy. This week was not week of happiness for me. I'm glad it's over and I'm hoping that next week will be happier.

We're taking Geoff to see a psychologist in March. If anyone out there has any experience or advise they'd like to proffer in regards to behavior problems that are tied to Nonverbal Learning Disorders, I'd love to hear from you. Make sure if you email me that you put something to end in the "subject" line of your email and not just "Hi," or whatever... If I don't recognize your name, I'll delete your message.

So I haven't had time to sit down in a whole week and write anything. I've been in focus-on-Geoff mode nearly constantly for the past five days. It wears me out fast, and I find myself passing out at the end of the day with a pounding tension headache.

But, through trials there is perseverance. And from perseverance., faith.

I know for a fact that Geoff is the best Geoff that he can be, and the reading today in church had to do with "I am who I am as God made me, and by his grace that's what I'll continue to be." I know all the time that Geoff is trying to do well and trying to do better and accomplish what is expected of him.

And really, that's all I need to ask of him.

---

The one thing I did want to talk about this week, which everyone else on earth has been talking about, is the Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction during the Superbowl Halftime show. I hope this entry isn't falling too late for any of you to care at this rate.

In my last entry, I posted that I wasn't sure I saw what I saw, but I did see what I saw, because the rest of the planet also saw it.

Everyone is abuzz with opinions on whether or not she planned it. Justin Timberlake states he had no clue that was what would happen. She states that she alone made a change to the program at the very end after all the formal rehearsals and never consulted anyone about it, that Justin, MTV, CBS and the NFL all had no idea that the plan was changed.

I find that a little hard to believe. Someone had to design her top. Justin had to be instructed as to what to grab and where. MTV is notorious for having behind the scenes planning to "liven things up" a bit.

But the thing that I'm reading from a lot of blogs and journals is that we're some sort of nation of prudes freaking out over a little titty action on TV. Folks perceive that we're becoming some sort of Talibanish nation of right-wing religious scolds who want to string Ms. Jackson up in the town square and burn her at the stake.

And that's what I want to address. As a 37 year old woman, I thought it was funny that it happened. I for one am not one to shy away from nudity or sexuality in movies. I am not a Ned Flanders type where footlong hot dogs make me nervous. I sometimes wonder in a movie why someone had to be naked at a certain point in time, as if it added something to the story, when it usually didn't.

So my I'm not afraid of boobies stance is fully in place. Let that be known. I fear no boobies.

I was still totally offended by the boobie appearance in this instance.

Why?

Because I had no way of knowing it was heading our way, with my 7 year old son on my couch next to me. And it was incredibly insensitive of her to plan this action out, and I personally believe she did plan it to happen this way.

Most of the time there's something at the beginning of a broadcast that says "there are going to be titties in this broadcast" and I take the warning to heart and change the channel. When watching TV with my kids, there's enough shit that gets thrown them on a daily basis that I don't feel they NEED to have boobs bouncing in front of their faces.

I can make a parental decision to change the channel. In this instance, I had no opportunity to change the channel or say "Hey Geoff, right now is a good time for you to go ahead and go to the bathroom for a minute or two, until the boobie waving part is over."

And that is where a lot of the indignation is coming from, at least in my understanding of it.

I love Penn & Teller's "Bullshit" show on Shotime, but I'm not going to let my daughter watch it, even though she loves Penn & Teller as much as I.

Why? Too much swearing. I can handle it, I don't think she can.

Do I think that Penn yelling "Fuck that!" every couple of minutes ADDS to the learning experience of him trying to debunk UFO believers, no. But I understand his use of it, and see the comic element in its usage. I think the show is genius and funny, but it isn't for my 12 year old.

My daughter will just see it as a good reason to also yell "Fuck that!" in class when they're studying something that she disagrees with. Trust me, I know she will.

As a parent, I am glad to be able to make that decision before hand, and change the channel to Spongebob instead.

We watched the movie "Amelie" a few months ago up at Aaron & Michelle's house. Michelle had seen it several times, and knew to tell Jessica to cover her eyes for a minute during the "How may people are having orgasms right now in the city? Fifteen!" part, and the part where they are sitting in the sex toy store putting price tags on dildos.

Michelle doesn't have kids, but she gets it. She knew exactly what Jessie didn't need to see to enjoy that movie. And I'm incredibly glad to have a friend like Michelle who saw the movie first and is on the same wavelength as me. Jessie didn't lose anything in the overall enjoyability of the movie. She liked it, even though she had to read subtitles the whole time.

I also let her watch "The Real World" with me. There are some things that happen on the show where I change the channel. She doesn't need to see Trischelle and her boy du jour rolling around with her legs wrapped around his neck. But seeing Brad and Robin both get arrested for public drunkenness, that's educational for her. We watch Cops together. Watch that dirtbag get totally arrested for having 50 bags of heroin in his pocket and for attempting to outrun the police.

Don't do this later in life, got it?

I make decisions based on what I want them to see and know.

And Janet's decision to have the chest of her bodysuit pulled off revealing her boob in a wardrobe malfunction on LIVE TV, I had no control over that. I'm quite relieved my son had fallen asleep, and my daughter had given up watching because she hates Justin Timberlake and she went to get food from the kitchen. Both of them missed it.

But there were thousands of other parents sitting right there with their kids who weren't as lucky, and had no control over what their kids just had waved in their little faces. A litany of "dad, what just happened to her shirt?" went across the nation, uttered from mouths of younger kids on couches everywhere.

And that is unfair to parents. It was very unfair to the younger kids. Whether or not she intended for both pieces of her top to rip, whether Justin just dug his fingers in there and grabbed too much material, it doesn't matter. It was live TV. What was she THINKING? Why was the ripping of her bodice appropriate in any way, shape or form in the first place?

Why didn't Justin say "That's dumb, why would I want to do that, it has nothing to do at all with rocking one's body."

All people wanted to see was some football.

And that's what the pissing, moaning, complaining and freaking out is all about. If it was a Janet concert, I wouldn't have cared because I wouldn't have been watching. I don't value her as an artist. If others do -- fine. Whatever. I was just waiting for the game to come back on. And I got a face full of the unexpected.

The fall out from this transfers to a show like ER, where they were going to have a elderly female patient appear topless in an examination room, because "that's more realistic" in the telling of this character's story. I guess that advertisers freaked out upon hearing this, and threatened to pull their ads from the show.

My opinion on that one is -- if it is in context to the story, well then go ahead. It's on at 10pm, and as a parent I probably wouldn't be watching that with my 7 year old son. And, they have something at the beginning that warns you that there will be some nudity in this show. People can make a decision. And that's good.

If they animated Spongebob to have a big wagging penis, I'd make a choice to not let them watch that episode.

It all boils down to the element of decision making as a viewer. Not just as a parent, but as a viewer. If you're Ned Flanders and seeing a boob is a sin, you wouldn't watch the episode of ER. But if you're Ned Flanders and you love the Carolina Panthers and you are hoping in just a minute they'll finish up this infernal racket and get back to the game -- you got a big surprise.

Marge Simpson once said while watching TV "Fox became a hardcore porn channel so gradually that we didn't even notice."

I think that if we just ignore the fact that things like this continue to hit the airwaves in a stronger and more escalating manner, well then we'll get what we deserve in broadcasting.

And let me tell you, on the topic of her being banned from the Grammy Awards Show, she shouldn't be the only fall guy in this situation. I learned a lot this week with events surrounding my son.

There isn't one person "guilty" of committing some sort of crime in this instance. There is a whole slew of people who should take responsibility, not just her. I admire her efforts in going out there and making a statement that aims fault at only herself. But she's not the only one at fault here. There should be culpability on many parts in this situation. And having been through something where my son was deemed the only party responsible at one point, I can tell you that it's no fun. Justin should be banned from the Grammys this year too.

And if this was really a nation of moral scolds who want to Taliban things up, Janet would be dead right now. But -- her career will recover. Just think of these three words: "Pee Wee Herman." I still watch his old show, and I love the work he's done since his incident in a movie theatre a few years back. Through trials there is perseverance.

---

I have a suggestion for next year's half time show. Let's have Barenaked Ladies do the halftime show. Not just because I love them more than oxygen.

They can do their barenaked rap and chicken dance polka thing, and Steve and Ed can kiss! Men kissing is rather innocuous these days in the public eye. Even if Ed and Steve are avowedly heterosexual, it would be less offensive than what happened this year.

And we'll warn people so they can cover their eyes or the eyes of their kids. Everyone will be happy. Those looking to avoid men kissing each other, and those who enjoy it.

On that note, I'm off to do the dishes. Much love to you all.

Are you ready for some football???

Hey what a pretty good Sunday this has been, and a pretty good all around weekend. Now, if the Pats win the superbowl, all will be right with the world and I'll be a happy gal.

Woke up incredibly early this morning, and was the only one willing to go to church so I went. Instead of a sermon, we did a hymn sing for 20 minutes. People went through the hymnal and picked the songs they wanted to sing and our organist played whatever was thrown at him.

It made me think of They Might Be Giants Dial A Song and I laughed to myself (I'm absolutely positive that I'm the only one out of the 80 people there who thought of TMBG at that given moment). We sang some good ones, some downright weird ones, and some that were totally episcopalian, victorian America and funny to hear played.

It was a good time. How weird am I that sight reading hymns and picking out the alto line makes me happy. I know after 3 years you can't be surprised or shocked that this entertained me and made me smile. Regular readers know I'm just a touch off.

Anyway -- got home to a house that was in the process of being totally decorated by my son. He was getting psyched for the Pats appearance in the superbowl. Until last week he was hands down against the Pats, seeing as the Steelers weren't in the big game. But somehow, he woke up this morning a changed man.

He made signs, and was cheering (he still is) and was completely off the hook with happiness and singing "Panthers need their pampers" in a singsongy taunty voice.

Oh -- it's kick off time. I may have to pick this up later. Who am I kidding, I WILL pick this up later. There's more to talk about. So if you're reading this and nothing appears after this paragraph, be sure to come back later. I'll "blog style" this entry with an addition. I'm ready for some pizza rolls and football. Are you?

8:40PM
Right then -- halftime.

Pre-game was ridiculous. While Josh Groban performed a nice and very uplifting song, the whole tie in with NASA was absolutely ridiculous and pandering, and laughable. The ... astronaut guy coming up and standing on the moon surface made me choke on pizza rolls and I almost fell off the couch.

It was interterrible.

I seriously almost had a heart attack. Oh. My. God.

Kick off, fun ness -- the superbowl underweigh. A very boring first quarter which got blown awake with some serious touchdown action. Jessica spoiled us rotten by preparing pizza rolls and bringing us beer, and I think I owe her some money for being sweetest hostess ever. I didn't need to lift a finger. She did all the work.

Things were slightly dull there, but when the Pats went ahead I was all comfy and happy. Watching a defensive battle is hard because while it's awesome that the defenses keep anything from getting to the endzone rather impressively, it makes for boring football.

Jake and the boys tied the score with a stupendous touchdown that I didn't think they'd get the throw off for. With a score of 7-7, it's a good thing Vinatieri didn't blow the field goal that brought the Pats back into the lead.

Then, that halftime show.

I ... expect halftime shows to blow. After the U2 show 2 years ago, which was the best show ever, nothing can possibly be good. 2 years ago, I somehow thought they milked the 9/11 thing a bit but overall the live performance that the offered was pure and unadulterated beauty.

But by far, this year's halftime which I just watched... this years was the most craptacular halftime I've ever seen.

The segue between P. Diddy and Nelly with "Oh Diddy you're so fine" was ridiculous. Janet Jackson's songs are more ambient than performance. She is allegedly singing, but it's really 20 tracks of her singing harmony over herself, so most of her songs aren't really stadium worthy.

Best part of the halftime performance was Kid Rock and you know I HATE saying that. I think he wears an American flag well. The non-music "Rythym Nation" song, which is like 17 friggin years old, wasn't exactly thrilling. I mean, who got together and said "Hey, let's have Janet Jackson perform an "oldie" of hers..."

Puh-lease.

Next was Mr. Timberlake, and while Justin is easy on the eyes, he's a no talent ass clown. That performance of "Rock Your Body" was hardly rockin' in any sense of the word.

Can someone tell me if I saw Janet's boobie there at the very end? Justin whipped her red bra-like item thing off her chest, and I think that act exposed her entire bresticle in a rather stunning way.

Did anyone else catch that? I don't think Janet intended us to see that.

Well, whether or not I was intended to see Janet's boobie, the second half is on and I'm going to go watch it. Geoff has finally run out of gas. He's on the couch with a pillow and he's trying to wave his "Go Pat's" flag (yes, that's an apostrophe in there. He thinks it belongs. I'll scan it later for you) homemade flag. Doug burned himself on pizza roles and I'm sorry you can't hear the noise he made. I wanted to comfort him, but I was too busy laughing hysterically at the noise which he blurted out upon inhaling lava hot pizza stuffing.

The commercials have sucked so far, except for the AOL commercials with Paulie and Senior and Mikey.

Right then, more later.

10:30PM

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Oh God Oh God Oh God! That was amazing. The Pats won. Almost didn't but holy flerkin' schnit they did.

I have a headache. A stomach ache. A back ache. I'm ready for bed. That, my friends, was the most amazing finish to a football game ever.

And with that, to bed. More later. TTFN.

Snotstorm, Jinx magazine

So the weekend is here. Overall I had a great week at work

I worked incredibly hard over these last few weeks, mostly because I feel I've lost my love for being there. And I got sad after S left in November. It's been a hard adjustment for me to work for A, and I think it's hard on her too because I'm not the 100% perfect person for this job.

But this week and last week -- these were great weeks. Salad days. Aaah. Yes. Salad.

---

I'm getting incredibly psyched for this Super Bowl, although compared to two years ago I haven't written much about football. Two years ago I was all about the football here in this journal. I couldn't shut up about the Patriots. Now they're going again, and I'm giddy as all get out about them. I looked back on my journal entry from 2 years ago when Ben and I went to Boston for the rally welcoming the team back. I still can't get over the fact the jumbotron broke.

So I'm psyched for one of my favorite teams to be here (face it, if it's the Steelers, the Pats or the Packers I'm a happy gal). And I'm excited about the commercials (there's a Simpsons commercial) and... the food.

I've got to go to the super market and get some good munchies for the big game. Any requests?

---

Reading

We do a lot of reading around here, all four of us, especially Doug. Lately I've been reading a book that he picked out for himself... I didn't know that I'd get as sucked into it as I have.

It's called "Invisible Frontier" by the writers of Jinx Magazine. Jinx is an online magazine/community dedicated to urban exploration. The invisibles beneath our feet, around our bodies and over our heads. The infrastructure of urban areas which people often times don't know about or don't realize the history surrounding.

One of the more popular articles features Agent Bleach who for his first Jinx assignment rode the NYC subway system for 24 straight hours.

"Invisible" Frontier takes you from the depths to the heights of the leviathan of New York City, in the adventures our intrepid explorers waged during the summer of 2001.

Yes, NYC, the summer of 2001. Right before Sept. 11th. Which is very key for how wonderful this book is, as Jinx has suspended a great deal of its explorations, stating as a preface to the book:

"Jinx has ceased its unlawful trespassing activities for the duration of the present period of war and heightened alert in the United States; though neither odious nor evil, the activities of urban exploration create the hazard of false alarms and could possibly divert police resources from serious matters. Obedience of just laws is not a private matter. Every crime undermines our safety by making the staggering task of law enforcement harder in this period of terrorism and war."

Each of the urban explorations in this book, from the Croton Aqueduct to the top of the George Washington Bridge, all happened before Sept. 11th when sneaking around Manhattan in dress clothes and dark sunglasses meant you were strange but not suspicious. After all, it was New York City. People are weird. If a group of seven comes into a coffee shop in the middle of the night dressed to the nines and covered with mud, it's peculiar, but not perilous.

Having grown up on Long Island, I knew there was a lot of NY history that I either slept through in the public schools or I simply had forgotten, or, as the case probably was in the 70s and 80s, certain aspects of history were passed over and we got to read Walt Whitman poems over and over again. (Don't forget, "I hate you Walt Freakin' Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ASS!")

So I found this book fascinating, mind blowing... it is a collection of stories about urban exploration with clear historical documentation as to why each of these locations is.

One of the most chilling little passages in the book is in the chapter about North Brother Island, and the 1904 wreck of the General Slocum.

Reported by L.B. Deyo, he writes:

" 'Hey, mister!' Twelve-year old Frank Perditsky busted into the bridge. 'The boat's on fire!' "

"[Captain William] Van Schaick shot the kid a glare, the fixed his eyes back on the river. He wasn't going in for pranks, not now, with Hell Gate churning in front of him. 'You shut your trap,' he told the boy. 'Get out of here.'

"It was ten more minutes before Captain Van Schaick learned the truth. By then the fire was out of control, burning hay and fuel oil, spitting a column of black into the sky. 'Full speed,' he ordered, scanning for a safe berth. He had already Left Manhattan behind; here the river threaded the Bronx and Queens. There were piers along both banks, but they were too dangerous, crowded with lumber and other flammable materials. He made a decision. 'Put her on North Brother Island.' It was just a mile ahead.

"The acceleration whipped flames back along the length of the Slocum. The crew panicked. Old cork life preservers dissolved in the brine as the first passengers leaped over-board. For years the owners of the General Slocum had ignored safety requirements and training; the lifeboats were bolted to the sides of the ship, the fire hoses were rotten. Now the burning decks swarmed with children.

"North Brother came into view. It was a good choice - it had a ferry slip pier, and it housed the brand-new Riverside Hospital. They were seconds away when Van Schaick made his error.

"Something caught his eye in the Bronx, and he decided to head there instead. A moment later he thought better of it and jerked the wheel back toward the ferry slip on North Brother. The Slocum was going too fast for that turn; it broke the ship. Passengers were thrown across the upper deck into the guardrail, carrying it overboard.

"The river boiled. Oily flames spread across its back, stewing the dead and dying. Currents battered the survivors as they swam, hauling them out to the deepest draught of the river. One boy was pulled into the water wheel. Some men returned to the breached ferry to search for children, and they had the clothes burned off their backs. Those who touched the walls fused their skin to the paint. Rescuers rushed to the scene; some fought to save lives, others robbed desperate women before helping them ashore. A few prisoners from nearby Rikers Island actually escaped so they could help in the rescue.

"It remains, in the summer of 2001, the worst disaster in New York History. One thousand twenty-one persons died. As night fell, the doctors and nurses of Riverside Hospital laid out some six hundred corpses along the grassy shores of North Brother. As they worked, these doctors and nurses knew they had seen an unprecedented catastrophe. They didn't know that just three years later a new trouble would touch their shores, a trouble to eclipse the wreck of the General Slocum. A patient was coming to North Brother Island, a patient who would bring a hundred years of infamy."

-pgs 158-159

And, of course the patient that came to North Brother Island was Mary Mallon, aka Typhoid Mary.

And of course, less than 100 years later New York's worst disaster was eclipsed by the fall of the World Trade Center, upon which Jinx unfortunately was not able to plant its flag.

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading this -- it's funny, it's enlightening, it's chock full of historical fact (tell me who designed the Croton Aqueduct. Anyone? Anyone? Okay then, tell me the names of the painters most prominently featured in the Freedom Tunnel. Anyone? See. I thought not). If you enjoy New York, if you enjoy history, if you enjoy geocaching, hunting, treasure finding... if you think that exploration isn't dead on earth and strictly reserved for Mars and the moon, please get this book. Read the content in jinx magazine online too. Enjoy.

And in closing -- a funny. The woman over the cube wall from me started laughing hysterically this morning. I asked her what was so funny. She almost couldn't get it out.

"I was typing an email and I typo'ed something," she said. I started to laugh, trying to figure out what could possibly be so funny. So I asked her to tell me what she typo'ed.

"Well, I meant to type 'snowstorm,' but I didn't. I typed, I ... typed" she's laughing again. I'm laughing too...

"Snotstorm."

"You typed 'snotstorm' instead of 'snowstorm?'" I asked, laughing. Yes. So the two of us laughed our asses off. I had a picture in my mind that aside from possibly a shitstorm, a snotstorm would be the worst place on earth to possibly be.

So kids, with this -- I urge you. Stay out of the snotstorms of life. And have a great evening.

Across the pure parabola of joy...

I have been trying to get Doug to start a weblog. The man has some amazingly funny stories to tell. He comes home from work and makes me guffaw with glee as he shares tales of nursing home employment.

But he won't commit. And the blogsphere is so missing out on what could be the second best blog ever (Mr. Garfield's blog would be the hands down greatest ever were he to at least sign up for free blogging at Journalspace).

If Doug ever does cross into the seventh dimension of cyberspace, I want him to name his journal "Across the Pure Parabola of Joy." It is a line from a poem by a haughty Canadian poet character in a P.G. Wodehouse story.

Everyone wants to know "what is a parabola exactly?" And, of course, he can't exactly explain it. (But dictionary.com can! Click here to find out what a parabola is and how it possibly can be... joyous?)

As the story moves on, someone decides to pretend he is this poet so he can gain access to a house and steal a necklace... so it gets even funnier when people start grilling the imposter for reasons why he wrote certain things.

We just think that the pure parabola of joy is funny. It's funny to say outloud, pretending it's something important whilst sweeping arm wide and looking towards the horizon.

So P.G. Wodehouse.

There isn't much to report today. Just one and a half funny anecdotes.

---

I went to the drug store at lunchtime today to obtain certain feminine products for my personal consumption and for my daughter (yes, she did, she did start her period and that's an issue for me not to discuss here. She'd kill me if she knew I'd even mentioned it).

As is my wont when I go to CVS, I buy chocolate for the basket in my office. Usually three assortment bags of ... whatever chocolate strikes my fancy. So I did just that and approached the register.

And I am standing there with a huge basket load of tampons and pads, and three giant bags of chocolate.

I look down as I put it all out on the counter and think to myself, "Gah, that looks desperate and crazy, doesn't it?" and I start laughing.

The girl ringing me up looks at me funny (as do most people when I start laughing for apparently no reason) and I say "Yeah, this looks bad, eh? Forty dollars of feminine protection products and thirty dollars worth of chocolate. You must think I'm in a bad way right about now."

"Oh, we don't think about what the customers are buying ma'am," she states, "We're not here to judge."

I was surprised. She didn't smile and say "Uh, yeah, that does look funny." Or perhaps, "Oh, yeah. I know how that feels!"

She got all corporate and semi-preachy at me. And you know what, it broke my heart.

I'm sad that so many people have no sense of humor.

No parabola of joy (she says, sweeping arm wide with hopeful gaze to the horizon of the cabinets above the PC monitor).

I'm hoping that one or two of you, even the guys out there, found this funny and picture me laughing at myself while standing at the counter with an armload of two distinctly different yet inter-connected products.

And for your information, the Chain Supply Manager ate the most chocolate. He's a chocoholic... for chocolate! Again, stealing from the Onion.

Us girls did indulge, but not like this guy! He wondered if you ate 10 pounds of chocolate would you gain 10 pounds. We spent time theorizing what it would be like to eat 10 pounds of lettuce. You wouldn't gain 10 pounds because of the caloric value of the lettuce.

Depending on the caloric value of the Reeses mini peanut butter cups (my personal faves) we figured you may not gain 10 pounds, but you certainly would get sick as hell and puke, so you'd perhaps lose weight in the long run.

I invited him to try out his theory. He said he'd rather continue loving chocolate and never get to the point in life where the sight of it would cause him to recall a horrible day where he puked 10 pounds of chocolate up.

And I'll leave you with that unpleasant image, but let it be known, we were laughing heartily.

Category Zero Kill Storm; Real and unreal world

After starting out as a category four kill storm at the beginning of the
week, the forecast for snow slowly dwindled, down to category three,
category two, and then pretty much didn't materialize into anything at all by this morning, at least for the North Country here.

I went to the market yesterday with Geoff, we were out of the usual Milk and Bread staples with or without storm, so a trip was necessary. I was pleased to find the market not overcrowded with panicky people grabbing every loaf of pumpernickel and bottles of organic soy milk because the store brand varieties were wiped off the shelves completely.

We had a wonderful time in the market, but Geoff chastised me for singing and dancing. A few short months ago, he would have been singing and dancing with me.

I'm disappointed in this change in him.

---

Jessica has a role in the school play. A total of about five lines, but
they're funny and as always will be delivered with the best timing, diction and skill.

I had hoped she'd get a larger role. I mean, people around here are still abuzz about her performance five years ago in the first grade class production of "The Magic Fish," where she played the fish. And she played it like no one has played a fish since Darryl Hannah in "Splash."

I'm slightly disappointed that she didn't get the role she wanted -- the Evil Real Estate Agent -- but she's got a good role where she can crack wise and get a laugh. Rehearsals are after school, and today she's there until five pm. This has given me time to be with Geoff by myself. And I'm greatly enjoying that time.

As much as I love my daughter, I can't help but wonder what kind of person he may have turned out to be at this point if he were the first born. It's so much easier to be with him and talk to him when she's not there. While I've always love the concept of siblings, I can't help but think, gee, there is something to having an only child.

But overall, when she gets home from play rehearsal, he's happy to see her, and it is two less hours in a day for them to spend together so they don't reach their critical mass until right before bedtime, or... at all.

---

This morning I totally thought the kids would be bent out of shape that there wasn't a delay of start for school. Jessica was surprised to see no snow out there, but didn't react. Geoff totally forgot that there'd been a forecast for snow in the first place. We were initially to get 5-7 inches of snow between 2am and 7am... but we got zilch and neither of them reacted negatively. They got ready for school without incident.

I, on the other hand was pissed as shit that we didn't get at least something to muck up the roads... I could have used an extra hour, 90 minutes, two hours this morning to get ready slowly as I'd stayed up horribly late watching... Real World San Diego.

Episode four the other night and I got sucked in. ZSSSSHHHHOOOOOOOP. Can't you hear it?

What is wrong with me? Again, confessions of a 37 year old Real World fan... we've been through this with me before. I'm like a chocoholic, for booze... and Real World (to totally steal from "The Onion," another of my great addictions).

What the hell is wrong with this cast? Brad? Robin? Drunk fools. Randy thinks he's Ashton Kutcher. Frankie is afraid of large metal objects like buildings and cruise ships? Oh dear. Jamie's cute but those Ugg boots have GOT to go, and what kind of a name is Cameran? Uh? All I can think of is Kodak.

Each year I pick a cast member that I cannot live without. I didn't find one in the Paris cast. I hated them all and stopped watching. I was sick of Ace being all "Ace on Nine" and frat boyish, Leah was too Long Island for me. I thought that CT was so Bostonian but also kind of... Gallagher brothers in his speech and appearance that it made me sick to my stomach. What was with that hair?

This year, I've found my cast member to love. Thus far, it has to be Jacquese. He's the only person in the house I enjoy hearing from and watching. I felt how uncomfortable he was with the whole "nigger" situation, and I absolutely LOVED that he called his mother in the middle of the night and she gave him the best advice.

You know me -- always impressed when the mom isn't a total psycho.

I love how she talked him down, and made him see clearly that I thought his "Free Brad" sign on his sweatshirt was hysterically funny. He brought the protest and the Black Power to his white imprisoned brother, and the cause grew. Pretty soon, everyone in the house had "Free Brad" taped to their shirts and drunk Brad dried out in a cell and no one knew where Robin was, but she also was in lockup for battery.

And, of course, the Real World/Road Rules challenge of the Gauntlet just finished up last week and those pimpy pushers of Eye Crack have put together yet another broadcast to cause me to lose sleep -- the Inferno. Damn if the Gauntlet didn't just finish up and they're serving up yet another slab o'pie for me. Jerks.

So you know where I'll be. Watching MTV. I'm getting too old for this. Gah.

Well, some snow finally fell. Not enough to warrant any school closings or to slow traffic. Just enough for all the grey crappy dogpissed snow to get covered nicely. Everything has such a nice, fresh, clean look to it. For the dogs to poop on.

Right then -- time to go get Jessie from play rehearsal. More later folks. Have a gorgeous day...

Hijacked PC

Voof. Am I having a combination bad and good week all at once.

Good stuff first, because it's important to always think the good stuff first. Best foot forward and all that.

We had a wonderful Birthday Cake Week. Wednesday night Geoff picked "Not Your Average Joe's" for his dinner location, and we ate a wonderful meal of happiness there. Our waiter was kind of a dink though... tell a guy twice that it's someone's birthday, and you'd think he'd "suggest" or take it upon himself to bring the birthday boy's dessert with a candle in it or something. No. He didn't ... so we are glad we did cake, candles and ice cream with Auntie lee lee on Sunday.

Yesterday we had a party for him -- 15 total kids. It was scads of fun and absolute chaos. We played musical chairs, in which Geoff showed his incredible poor loserness and Jessica was the best music director using that pause button at all kinds of unexpected times. Our neighbor E won two out of the three games of musical chairs -- I was quite proud of her. We also played Hot Potato, but with a stuffed lobster, so it became Hot Lobster.

And "Pass it on" is always a great game to play with first graders. I started both the sessions and the sentences were fairly simple, but by the end had "butt" and "fart" inserted into them by naughty first grade (cough Geoff) boys in the middle of the chain.

My neighbor took it upon herself to make a cake. She called this morning and I told her I was picking one up at the market bakery... she insisted on baking for me. So she made white cake with white frosting and shaved Hershey's chocolate kisses for a covering. It was quite nice and no matter how hard I insisted that she not do that, she did it... it was beyond kind. And we had good ice cream to go with, and the kids were mentally insane by the time the party was halfway through.

Cake and ice cream mercifully took almost a half hour, and then we did presents. The kids were fighting over which present would be opened next. Geoff was sort of overwhelmed, and one of the moms played secretary so I could clean up the cake and ice cream (thank you wherever you are tonight Mrs. D).

We had a half hour to kill, the kids were mentally deranged from all that sugar, so we played Simon Says, only I used the lobster to do "Lobster Says" and the kids loved that (even though Doug thought it was stupid). Doug blew up all the balloons that I got and didn't have time to blow up, and each kid got a balloon. That ate up the rest of the time, and they all invented fun games to play like "how long can you keep the balloon up in the air without dropping it?" Everyone knows and loves that game.

The parents were pretty prompt in coming to pick up, and everyone seemed to have a super time. I was glad to have had them...

And I'm glad that I don't have to do it again any time soon.

---

The bad side of the week is something that maybe one of you nice people out there in the blogsphere can help me with.

We have been hijacked.

At least, our Browsers have been hijacked.

On Thursday night, Doug went to log on the PC and both Netscape and Internet explorer are not working.

The Address Bar at the top of the screen shows the URL, but the screen never changes. We can put in www.biteme.com, or www.echoesofadream.com or www.ellispaul.com and the screen stays the same.

The next morning I called our ISP. They stated that they weren't running anything that would require us to put in our phone number, and that it had nothing to do with them. They offered no solutions or suggestions. Thanks, asshats.

I run Norton antivirus, latest DAT loaded on 12/31/03. It doesn't find anything. I go to retrieve the latest DAT because I'm sure there is a new one, but Live Update won't run. I'm thinking that whatever has my Browsers by the shorthairs also has my NAV. Great.

I called Gateway.

I have always loved the tech support at Gateway. Efficient, helpful, knowledgeable, friendly. It's one of the reasons I bought the computer. When I worked at the college we had a contract with Gateway, and they always impressed me with how well they did their thing.

But now, Gateway, that fine upstanding American Midwestern Down To Earth Cows and Barns and PCs kind of company has farmed its support to India.

Now, don't get me wrong right off the bat. I totally understand the need to save money in a bad economy, and they aren't the only company to do this. And I have nothing against people from India. I love people from India.

What I have a problem with is trying to get through to someone on satellite phone to halfway across the planet where it is four AM and I can't understand what the person is saying to me.

And, getting through was a problem...

I dialed the number, and was disconnected.

I dialed again, got through the menu and punched in my serial number and was disconnected again.

This happened three more times.

I finally heard all kinds of echoey buzzy noise, and the support guy came on the phone.

He identified himself as Richard.

He had never heard of anything like this before. I should have said Namaste and hung the phone up then... but I stuck with him, I wanted to see what he'd figure out or if he'd escalate my call to another person.

He had me do a bunch of different things, like unload a bunch of stuff from my start up files, as if Windows Start Up is causing something to happen when two separate specific programs are starting up. He and I spent almost two hours on the phone trying to figure this out.

Because he had never heard of anything like this, it was a complete wash. He was friendly and helpful. We talked about Celsius and I told him that at my house it was like negative 20 right at that minute and he almost fell out of his chair (seeing as it was about 48 at his house that evening when he left for work and he thought that was chilly). We determined that he could help me no further, and he recommended I take my PC to the Gateway store to have it fixed.

I said Namaste and he was very happy to have an American be so kind, but I wasn't happy in the end. I was let down. He was as uninformed as I, and I want those two hours of my life back.

Next, a call to my sister.

She asks me if I did all the same things that Richard in India suggested, and I told her yes... she talked to her boss, who suggested a couple things, I tried them. No dice.

She then hooked me up with a friend of hers, and he and I spent like three hours on the phone trying all kinds of things... he had me all up inside my registry deleting stuff and messing with things I've never touched before. It was scary.

But it didn't work.

In the morning on Saturday I called my buddy Brian, and he set me up with a log in to his FTP server so I could pull down Ad-Aware. I ran it. It found a shitload of stuff that was no good, but it didn't find the thing to fix my Browser contamination.

I tried to download the latest definitions of Ad-Aware, but it doesn't load, it hangs at 5% and then my PC crashes.

This afternoon I went to Staples and talked to them there. They said they don't think it's a spyware problem they think it's a virus. I bought the latest NAV 2004, and loaded it. I was able to get the DAT from this week without incident.

NAV found some Adware on my PC but can't delete it or quarantine it. So I'm back at square one... having spent about 15 hours of my precious Football TV Playoffs LIFE on this problem.

Staples suggested that if NAV can't fix my problem, back everything up and go to the Gateway Store.

I'll be calling them first thing in the morning.

I bought an external CD burner (I have tried to install things inside this PC and that hasn't been successful) And a bunch o'CDs, and I plan on backing up all our documents and photos tomorrow after work.

Right now, I just don't even want to be looking at this thing.

So... has anyone out there experienced this problem? Will grabbing an AOL CD and installing it as a temporary fix get us out to the web with their security in place and help us access websites where we can find out what is going on?

Know someone who is an expert in this type of thing who wants 3 dozen home made chocolate chip cookies?I will gladly feed the face and belly of the person who can assist me in killing this browser interloper, usurper, seat filler.

Doug is whiney and needs his PC.

And on this note, I'm off. Gotta go clean up from dinner and just get the hell away from this stupid PC. Gah. I'm angry.

I can access my email from work... good thing. Don't know what I'd do other wise.

Cheers y'all.

Christmas is Over

Well, post-Christmas was fun. My inlaws got to sit and watch us play a lot of Playstation2... lucky for them. We got a bit obsessed with Simpsons Hit & Run. Damn Dr. Nick and his 30 escaped chimps! Damn him! (shakes fist at sky).

---

Friday I made Doug take his folks and Jessica out so I could tidy up a bit. The floor needed to be mopped and I just needed a break. I would have taken myself shopping at the mall to take advantage of the insane discounts and post-holiday sales, but really didn't have the energy to leave, or to put down the game controller.

We went out to see the Zoo Lights at the Stoneham Zoo Friday night after Doug brought the contingent back from Newburyport and Antiquingness. We enjoyed the zoo very much, not many animals were out, but the lights were nice and the kids enjoyed the merry-go-round. Jessica was a kind and loving big sister and went on the ride with Geoff. My mother in law isn't a winter gear kind of person, so she was bitterly cold in her light jacket... we made haste from the zoo and went out to dinner.

I've decided that I'm officially swearing off chain restaurants like Pizzeria Uno, Bertuccis, TGI Fridays, Bennegan's, Applebees, The 99, Chilis, Chi-Chi's, etc ad infinitum. Every single time we've tried to go to one of these "Tchotchkes" style restaurants with their flair buttons and crazy crap on the walls, it's been a 45 minute to one hour wait.

And let's be honest folks, the food ain't that great.

Sure, they give you SCADS of food -- enough to feed a small village all on one table. But the quality isn't that great. Be honest. And after the debacle of Hepititis A in Beaver County PA from allegedly shit-grown green chilis imported from Mexico (thank you NAFTA for 650 new cases of near death in one small town) I want to go somewhere that I can get to know the kitchen staff, know where they're getting their food from, learn how they prepare it and what their philosophies are. At all those chain places -- it's get it cheap and serve it fast so we can get more people in here to buy our sub-par cooking.

So I've decided that from hereonin I'm going to local family establishments. There is a great place in Georgetown called Cuffee Doles, and I've gotten to know the owners. They kick ass (if you live anywhere adjacent to I-95 north of Boston, go to Cuffee's. Exit 54B, Rte 133. Follow into Georgetown, Go straight at the light, Cuffee's is a couple miles ahead on your left.)

This time, we went to The Tap in Haverhill. We went there for my birthday, and they have a brand new owner and brew master.

The food is good, there was no wait, the staff is friendly and like a family (our waiter was walking around with a "Kick Me I'm Stupid" sign on his back that the hostess nailed him with. And we laughed and laughed).

They have live music on Friday and Saturday nights, usually Jazz and or Blues. Geoff wanted to watch the guitar player, who was performing a selection of jazzy and bluesy christmas covers.

We went and sat in the bar at a table. And the guy watched Geoff and smiled. Geoff was really enjoying him -- and after his song he said to Geoff "I recognize you... you're that kid who wanted a BB gun for Christmas!"

And everyone laughed. Geoff said "Nooooo!!!!" because he gets this ALL the time. Ever since he was wee little and he got glasses.

In looking at that picture there, I'm AMAZED at how much better his left eye is these days. Look how it's totally turned in there. Holy shit. I haven't looked at that picture in a long time. I just happened to remember that I did it one year, and have had it on my drive forever.

So a guy at the bar said "You'll shoot your eye out!" and people were laughing, and Geoff luckily laughed on with them instead of getting belligerent and yelling "I'm not Ralphie I'm Sonic!" which is what he does at home.

And the guitar guy played a song just for Geoff, and wished him all the luck in the future for gettin' that BB gun one of these days.

What fun.

---

Saturday Doug went to work to make up for not working on Friday (he has no vacation time right now, so he simply moved his schedule around with blessing, and seeing as his folks would be hitting the highway he figured it'd be as good a day as any to work.

I played Playstation with the kids all day, forgetting there was Saturday Football, so I missed the Patriots complete spanking of revenge on the Bills. As Homer says... D'oh.

Sunday we got up extra early and got in the car, drove down to New London Connecticut to take the kids across Long Island Sound to give them to my parents. I paid a babysitter for three days last week so I could work -- there was no way I could do it again this week. What's the point in working?

So they get to go to hang out at Grandmas. And we had a lovely ride on the ferry -- it seemed so much faster than 90 minutes. I'm wondering why we don't do this more often? We did Mad Libs on the boat, and the girl sitting across from us laughed and laughed at us when the kids were giving me their words.

I miss them, but ... I don't. Know what I mean? Of course you do.

We got home just in time to see the Arizona Cardinals pull off an improbable win and kick Green Bay into the playoffs. I mean seriously -- fourth and 25??? They went for it -- it paid off. Holy crap. I thought I was going to die.

And then I went to bed.

---

Today I got to work extra hours! I stayed until almost 5pm which is impossibly late for me seeing as I normally am out of there at 3pm at the latest. I worked my ass off.

Knowing that at 2:45 there's no excuse for me not to start a project really makes a difference in my day.

Tonight we're meeting Ben-n-Amy, Brian and Dan for a pool night. They're all on vacation this week as the college is closed for vacation. Stupid jerks enjoying time off! While I indeed have to go to work tomorrow that doesn't mean we can't go out and have fun. We're going to River City Billiards in Haverhill (again with Haverhill) and my guess is it'll be a light crowd tonight. They have acoustic music on Monday nights, instead of the DJ or Band thing they have on weekends which makes the place impossible to have a conversation in... so I'm looking forward to a night out.

Thanks mom and dad for taking my kids! Woooooo!

In other news, my neighbor is pissed at us because our dogs keep going into their yard and doing business. They take off like bats out of hell when we take them out, and next thing you know we can't find them but they're next door shitting on the front lawn.

Yesterday S left me a very curt message and when I got home from work he was waiting for me so we could talk. "I don't want to be a dink, but..."

And he isn't, it's our responsibility to keep our dogs out of his yard not just because they crap in it but because Jack and Kinger both plow over their kids and knock them over.

Whenever I take them out I take them on the leash and walk them around the yard. Jessica took them out the other day and S told me he watched her stare up at the stars while Kinger pissed on his 300 car cover and then crap on his drive way.

I feel badly... but the crap factories are going to have to be restrained on a regular basis.

I long for the spring when I can just put them in the pen and let them be outside. Sigh.

Well -- speaking of the crap factories, I have to take them out so they can mass produce their wares. Joy. Gotta get ready to go up the billiard hall and hang with my boys (and girl).

Photos from December 2003

Fly! You fools! [send]

And hello to one and all.

If you are checking in, I'm here -- we're here, and it's Christmas at the Way Out Inn.

Just like Lake Woebegon, "It's been a busy week here in the Way Out Inn..." We're all doing well and right now PS2 is keeping everybody entertained to some extent as I quickly slap an entry together.

Apologies for any sloppiness of language and grammar -- a bit too much cabernet sav. has taken its toll on me this afternoon. Wine never EVER used to get me this buzzed this fast -- especially in the presence of my inlaws! but ...

My enjoyment of it combined with my over indulgence has resulted in me not being able to feel my fingertips too fully, so typos may just occur. I know you will have sympaticos and forgive.

---

When we last left off here at the Way Out Inn, it was my sister's birthday and I gave her a little love, and I bragged on being well prepared for the holiday.

Not much has changed -- The biggest stories happened on Monday and on Wednesday. I'll entertain with both:

Monday: Jessica and I were watching Brett Favre kick some serious ASS on the Raiders (those black and silver fuckers). Brett just lost his dear old father Irvin on Sunday, God rest his soul, and Brett decided that he wouldn't sit out the game or leave to go home to be with family -- he played, and he routed. He kicked ASS at 41-7, most of that in the first half, and I loved every second of his playing.

Have I ever told you I think Brett Favre is a demi-god? Well. I do. Aside from just being cute as all get out, he's the most exciting qb to watch. And I love to watch him.

And his team responded to his drama -- and they played hard for him. And caught EVERYTHING he threw at them. And the GB defense protected him harder than ever, and he routed. He creamed. He kicked. Ass. For. His. Dad. And I cried for him.

Anyway -- while watching this game, Jessie and I saw a TV commercial for Verizon with some cross promotional shit they're doing with Return of the King. Which, by the way, we still haven't seen. But.

And she says to me "I wonder if the Companions would have had an easier time of it if they had text messaging with Verizon Wireless."

Which in and of itself is frickin funny, but we took it the next (il)logical step. We pretended to use our 'wireless' handhelds to text message dialogue from the movies (which we'd watched for hours and hours and ... hours all weekend, thanks to Starz and the running of both the first 2/3 of the trilogy all damn weekend).

"Shiiiiiire..... Baaaagggggins" [send]
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn" [send]
"Fly! You fools!" [send]
"Not the beard!!!" [send]
"You SHALL NOT PAAAAASSSS!!!" [send]
"No one tosses a dwarf!" [send]
"My preccccciousssssssss!!!!!" [send]
"The fat hobbit, he knows! Trixy hobbits!" [send]
"Get off the road!" [send]
"Mushrooms!" [send]
"What about second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, supper!" [send]
"He knows about them doesn't he!" [send]

We sat there, pretending to dial up the wireless text messages in our invisible hand held phones text messaging our 9 companions in our hands...

"Speak Friend and you shall enter!" [send]

and we laughed and laughed and laughed... and you get the point...

We went on and on and on like this for close to a half hour. Doug walked through the room and uttered "Neeerrrrrrds!" And yes, we are.

[send]

---

On Wednesday we had our office Christmas/Holiday Party, and I was, again, in charge.

I was given the duty of organizing the Chinese take out and the setup. Which I did. To the extreme. I got mad props and a kiss on the cheek from the CEO/president for it.

And that was nice. I however started my morning off with a shitty bang.

I stopped at the local liquor emporium to purchase a giftykin for my boss A. They had little pre-made baskets of cheer, of which I picked one for miss A and figured it'd be the best 40 I had spent in recent history.

I placed the little gift basket on the floor of the front seat, and when I drove away to head to the office the little basket of happiness shifted, and I felt that it was precariously balanced on the floor there, so I wanted to fix it. I pulled over, put Quimby in park, jumped out, ran around the side...

and while I was running around the other side the little basket of joy shifted, and leaned 'gainst the truck's insides. So when I opened the door...

the basket fell on the ground at my feet.

I heard a loud shattering of glass, and started to cry.

Forty dollars dropped straight down the shit hole. Nothing to give my boss. No gift to show for. No Grinch Who Stole Christmas music montage playing behind me telling me that it was all okay because as long as we have hands to clasp Christmas will be in our grasp...

I looked down, and the only thing out of the basket of incredibly fragile items that was destroyed was the cookie plate... the rest of everything, including the bottle of Brazilian dessert wine, was unbroken and fine.

It didn't spare me the good cry I had on the side of the road as I reassembled the pieces of the shattered major award that my boss was about to receive from me (Kudos to those of you whom the "shattered major award" thing means something) and I made it to the office and survived the day.

---

Aaron and Michelle arrived at about 3pm, for a quick side visit as they headed home to Connecticut. That and the fact they had purchased a Magellan GPS for Aaron's brother Jeff for Christmas and Aaron was having a hard time getting the thing to work at home, so he wanted us to help him with it. Can't say no as one is willing to share the philosophy and fun of Geocaching with a friend.

"Speak Friend and ye shall enter!"[send]

My inlaws came shortly thereafter.

The kids needed to be at the church no later than 4:30pm for the annual pageant, so I helped Aaron as best I could before bailing with them and leaving him with an incoming from work Douglas.

I guest-starred as a sheep, as Geoff was a shepherd in the pageant this year (and yes, he did sneak out the "It's superman!" line, but only the first couple rows heard him). We survived the pageant, and I made a fetching sheep.

Here are the four shepherds: from Left to Right, Geoff, C, D, and R.
The boy beside Geoff (aka C) could be Geoff in 2 yrs. They were all good shepherds. Two of the three kings of orient are glomming in on the photo oportunity. Typical of those three king types.

We had lasagne for dinner and hooked Doug's parents up with the couch, put the presents under the tree and I was out cold by 1am.

Geoff was up at 6. I told him to go back to bed or sit on the couch and not wake Grandma and Grampa. He did a good job until just before 7am when he couldn't take it anymore. I had Jessica take the dogs out while I made coffee, and Geoff opened one present while all of us got our acts together and got ready for the morning...

If it weren't for coffee, I wouldn't have made it.

Anyway -- the kids had a ton of fun opening presents. Geoff, for as impetuous as he can be, opened one thing at a time and played with it for a good long while before moving on to the next item.

The big hit that Santa left was a Playstation2 system. It has been played with all day, and may play us a DVD or three before we hit the hay tonight. I bought Monsters Inc and Finding Nemo for the kids, so that'd be a good thing to watch tonight.

Anyway - I am so tired. Five hours of sleep combined with good wine have made this fat little hobbit rather sleepy. I'll end things here, and wish you all a happy and fun Christmas.

Much love to you all. Each of you I hold precious.

"Precious... my precious..." [send]

Geoff and his electric guitar, performing BNL cover tunes on a couch near you!

My Immortal...

I had a moment of grief last night. I was watching the dedicate live program on Fuse TV. I prefer Fuse if I want to see videos. And they play a lot of the heavier rock music instead mostly R&B by Mary J. Blige or Missy Elliott... I can hear Staind or Blink 182 at least one time in an hour. Which is nice, because I just don't care for R&B/Urban/Rap, which is mostly what MTV plays if they show a video, or "Adult Contemporary" Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock singing together crap which they play on VH1.

On Dedicate Live, they show a video and there is a box scrolling a "dedication" on the screen. On most of them it's "from X to Y, Yo whassup, math clas waz sik today. yu rock. letz smoke tomorro afternoon l8r." The dedications are categorized by love, hate, %*@)#, which I guess means I Really Do Not Like You.

They showed "My Immortal" by Evanescence, a video I've not actually seen but a song I'm familiar with. I've seen "Going Under" a lot more, and I wanted to see "My Immortal," as it reminded me a lot of stuff I've heard from October Project, only with more of a dark, sharp edge.

Most of the little dedications along with this song were sheer nonsense. The way they usually are. They had nothing to do with the song. Not sure why anyone would pick such a song to do a dedication to someone about "Yo, math class sux."

I was pretty much ignoring them, watching the art and the chiaroscuro of the skyline, Amy Lee's face and flowing clothing, all in blue, black and white. I was feeling very still and very moved all at once.

The dedications scrolled on... and then one jumped out to me, and put me on the brink of outright wailing.

It was from a girl in Connecticut to her mom. The "To" was "Mommy" and the message stated something along the lines of "I still can't believe you are gone -- I miss you." And then her name, and Feb 1955 to Oct 03, 2003."

And I didn't know what to do.

The sudden thought of a girl writing to her mother, not knowing what age she is, not knowing why she lost her or what happened or the state of their relationship at the time of death... coupled with the powerfully sad lyrics and the gorgeous images presented in the video caused me to just start bawling.

For most of you who know me, I do a lot of emotional transference. I cry at inappropriate times, when I cannot cry for the right reasons in my own life. For instance -- I didn't cry at Clayton's funeral, but the day after a TV commercial made me "lose it." It's a release for me. And I haven't had a lot to cry about in my life lately, there's been some stress but it's all under control.

But thinking of how this girl in Connecticut must feel, and how she has this Christmas for the first time without her mommy -- I felt for her. And I let it all go.

The next dedication made me laugh and took all of those tears away. Again, it was addressed to "Mommy" from another girl. The message stated "Hi Mommy -- I wanted you to hear this band. I love their music and I know you'll love them too. Please buy me their album for Christmas and let's listen to it together."

It made me think of Jessica, and how we listen to so much of the same stuff. Seeing "Hi Mommy" on the screen made me think of her little voice when she says that to me. And I was very happy that there was a girl out there who is like Jessie who can say to her mom "listen to this -- I think you'll like it..."

And I hope the mommy does.