5k before noon

Before anyone is worried, I feel better today. Much better.

Dahlia woke up at 6:45am, per usual, like on the nose. She's amazing with that. On Sunday morning, that 6:45 will be 7:45 and I hope that her body rides the leap forward. 

I somehow made it the whole way through the night without waking up to pee. That's a miracle. 

She stood in front of me, staring at me, and she has this lil'whistle whimper so I opened my eyes and she saw me. Sigh. I got up with them, went to pee and they stood by the door. I fed them, let them out, went outside with them. 

I think we need an 8ft training lead for her, tie it off under the rhododendrons and she won't have enough length to make it to the fence. She barked at everyone, everyone, everyone. 7am is prime dog walking, people going to the metro, and kids going to the bus stop time. And I couldn't wait to get her back inside. I need a dog whisperer.

There is a lovely couple who live up the street and they have a young black lab. He's a very good boy. He doesn't bark or jump, but he does get very excited when he sees her. They walk a couple times every day. They have a baby in a stroller. They walk fast. I worry about the baby being cold. They seem unbothered. They say hello very nicely to Dahlia while she loses her mind. I really like them. And to say hi at 7am... good morning. I'm so sorry she's so loud.

We came back in and Doug was dressed and ready to drive the car up to the shop. While he was gone  I did a solid 30 min walk in the house. Geoff came upstairs and seemed surprised that I'd be listening to System of a Down, "I didn't think you liked these guys," he said. 

Au contraire. I sang along. "You! What do you owe the world! How do you own disorder, disorder!!!" and he laughed. 

I pointed out the speed of the song, told him that the playlist is so random but everything is good for either walking fast or jogging. This is a good jogging song (Toxicity) but it shifts tempo a lot. Next song, Square Hammer by Ghost. Followed by Pleasant Valley Sunday by the Monkees, which actually is a good jog. Geoff was entertained by the whole no format playlist. It made me smile.

Gotta say this up early in the morning nonsense pays off. I had nearly 6k steps by noon. My goal most days is to have 2k by noon. I usually fall short and achieve the 2k during the noon hour. But fuck yeah getting all these steps before starting to work. 

Why can't I be this way all the time? 

Work was good. I reached out to a number of slackers who still have not done what we need them to do. I found out there was a meeting I didn't get an invitation to and I probably should have. My manager didn't get an invite either so we griped about being left out. And when something breaks, he's on call and we jokingly said he won't respond to when he gets asked to provide ER support. I told him my phone would be turned off all day Sunday and I'll be hiding. 

We had a good laugh. 

Doug went to get the car around 6pm, stopped to get me milk, and picked up cheesesteaks and a dozen spicy korean wings from a place near the garage. So we ate on the late side. Dogs out for their pee, and bedtime for us. 

Goodnight.

digits

exercise: 11/12 hours. Somehow missed noon? Not sure how that happened. Huh. Started the day with an indoor walk. 30 min/1.47 miles. 10k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

8am: 154
4:15pm: 109
10:30pm: 164

food:

coffee/water
8am: phentermine
8:30am: protein shake
10am: metformin+glipizide
10:30am: egg mcmuffin w/2 sausage patties, 2 slices of cheese, one perfect egg.
4:30pm: two ramekins of trail mix
6pm: metformin+glipizide
7:30pm: 1/2 a cheesesteak, 4 spicy wings

Dead Cars, Jumping Dogs, Hotel

I can't remember if I mentioned that our Dodge Avenger died. Doug got the title mailed to us (when we bought it, our address was listed at the old house, so we never got the title), and we're having it towed away on Monday from the garage where she sits. I appreciate our mechanic very much. 

Now the mini is doing horrible things. Bucking, not accelerating, check engine light. Tomorrow morning Doug is taking it up to a different mechanic  (our shop doesn't service Mini). The last time we needed work done it was the computer, which this shop we use can't work on, so it ended up at the dealership. 

Hopefully, we can get her fixed up at the local mechanic, and not have to go back to the dealership. 

Tomorrow, we'll have no car. And right now we need groceries. Which is sad. We have a lot of things that don't go together. I could make a nice quiche if I had pie crust OR the skills to make a pie crust from scratch. Maybe I'll learn how to do that tomorrow morning.

We're almost out of milk, but Geoff needed half and half for a recipe last week and we do have some left over. 

I could walk to Aldi. It is 2 miles. I could take an uber back, because I wouldn't want to carry any groceries 2 miles. 

I feel kind of like, I can't make decisions to do things, and I can't motivate myself to do things. My brain isn't kicking into "Do It" gear the way I am used to it ... and I feel stuck. 

Today, I let the dogs out before a 4pm meeting. Usually that's not a problem. I was doing my steps for the hour, and I happened to be standing in the livingroom when a young hight-school aged girl came running up my walkway to the door, I'd never seen her before, she looked anxious. I went to the door, and whipped it open. She apologized, and said "your dog jumped over the fence." 

I thanked her, profusely, and told her I was getting my boots on. She ran back down the walk and I got my shit together. Sweatshirt, boots, out the door. Toffee was losing her mind, and the girl had Dahlia by the collar on the other side of the fence.

I thanked her again, profusely. I asked her name, she told me, and she pointed to where she lived. Thanking her again, profusely, as Doug took Dahlia back to the house. 

Dahlia is now on house arrest. 

She's not allowed out without supervision. Busted. And also. Fuck. It is so easy to let these jerks out to do their business, while I'm working and now I'm going to go out with them. I took them out at 10:30. Soon it will be warm enough for flip flops but right now it is winter boots and coat time, still. I supervised while they both did what they had to do, and ushered them back into the house. No shenanigans. None.

We had a team meeting today and my boss' boss, our Senior VP, asked how we're doing at the end of the meeting. I kind of opened up and shared that I'm not doing very well. I hate everyone and everything, and I am barely holding it together. I can't focus, I can't get anything done, I start tasks, get distracted, and fall onto something else and then get mad because I didn't do the other thing that was more important. 

Confessing to my 4 coworkers and to her, that I am not my usual self. 

As always, I go to music, and lately it has been a lot of Frank Turner, especially this Haven't Been Doing So Well tune. Among others. 

It's a day with a Y in it so obviously I'm over it.

I said I'm not used to feeling like this. This isn't how I am. I'm the pollyanna. I'm the one who says "okay lads, let's just pull together and get through the day, shall we?" 

My work bestie told me when we met this week (we meet weekly to talk work and talk shit) "This is not very Christine of you," and she's right. One of my colleagues in the meeting recommended I might try and make use of some of the mental health resources our office provides, and he's right. He's absolutely right. 

He said, "I know you have friends to talk to, and co-workers who know you so well like [work wife] but sometimes the perspective of someone outside of your immediate cuddle circle is the person you should be talking to. I know this helps me." 

I think the nature of the universe right now, the "Flood the Zone" nature of what our administration is doing, the impact of all the things on the lives and well being of thousands of people, the uncertainty of what may happen to my own company (and whether or not it impacts my job?) I don't know. The car, the dogs, the fact I may not have enough milk for coffee tomorrow, Damn, son. It's a lot.

Another Frank Turner lyric is this: 

"The first time it was a tragedy
The second time is a farce
Outside it's 1933 so I'm hitting the bar."

Referencing the first Trump administration and Nazi Germany, the first time it was a tragedy (WWI and T45) the second time is a farce (WWII and T47).

And yeah, I have been drinking a whole lot less over the past couple months so it may be 1933, but I'm not hitting the bar, and I don't think that's the solution but. 

but.

Wow I'm super negative today. 

In other news, it's Thursday. And we're almost through the week, friends. Almost. That's the spirit, Chris. 

Maybe I just need a Guster concert. And I'm getting two in a couple weeks. As long as nothing changes. As long as they or the Kennedy Center do not cancel. I'm hanging my hat and my mental health on this right now. 

Something I've been procrastinating on is the plans for that weekend. Tonight, I booked our hotel for the weekend. Me and Linz. Can't wait. I guess maybe yeah, I feel better already spending money on hotels when I live 6 miles away from the destination. 

Sorry not sorry.

No picture today (you can tell when I'm in a shitty way when I'm not taking pictures, right?) 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours.  Indoor walk, 10 min/.43 miles. 6600+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

9am: 124
6pm: 134
11pm: 90

food:

coffee/water
9am: phentermine
10:30am: metformin+glipizide
12:30pm: multigrain toast w/pb and a smidge of cherry preserves
3pm: ramekin of kettle corn
6pm: metformin+glipizide
6:30pm: chinese food: pork and garlic sauce, some shrimp lo mein, general gao's chicken, 3 pan fried dumplings, 1 spring roll. 
a very very strong vodka tonic (to kill the bottle)
9:30pm: jardiance

A Dougless Day

So, Dahlia has been pooping in the house at night. Not every night? But. Huh. What's up with that?

We let them out last night at 11pm, they came back in, all set and ready for bed. Lots of cuddling and contentment. I went to the guest room at like 4. And she came in sometime between 5 and 5:30. 

She jumped on the bed, off the bed, went back to Doug, came back to me. 

She was trying to tell me something, obviously, but I was in super sleepy mode. I tried to get her to just settle down, cuddle up with me, and go back to sleep. 

She left. I should have followed.

I fell back asleep. I heard Doug's alarm go off at 6, he had to go to the office today so he got up early. I heard him feed the dogs and let them out. I didn't hear him shower, or leave. The joys of the guest room. 

I woke up at 8, after hearing Geoff come upstairs to the kitchen. Then, I let the dogs out again, and went to get my coffee.

Someone (probably Toffee?) had thrown up on the couch. She eats a lot of wood and bird seed and well, there are repercussions to that. I'm used to it. I cleaned it up, and got out the fabric/upholstery shampooer machine dealie so I could run it. After Coffee. 

And then I thought Jeeez Doug should have seen this, or texted me about it. I understand if he was leaving for work but ... tell me? 

Heading back for my next cuppa coffee, I turned the corner, and on the doggie bed by Toffee's kennel was a distinctly Dahlia sized pile of poo. Thanks. 

Also ice cold, so if Doug saw this, he left it. Easy pick up, just ... do it? I'll be sure to ask him what's up with that but. I cleaned it up. And then the upholstery cleaner and I got to work.

I'm not sure why she'd be doing this. She goes out late enough, and she has been super good at not pooping in the house. Not sure what gives. 

I thought about letting her out at 5-ish when she was fussing around, but I would have wanted to go out with her so she didn't just indiscriminately bark at shit all over the place. She's so barky. And at 5am, my neighbors do not deserve this. And I didn't want to put on yoga pants.

There are days I want to keep her and other days I'm pretty sure she needs to live somewhere else. 

It is pouring out today and I let them out to do their thing. Toffee normally never goes outside if even the sidewalk is damp. But Dahlia does not care. And Toffee follows. You can tell she has immediate regret. They went out, came back in, and Dahlia's feet are GIANORMOUS mud mittens. There are footprints all over the kitchen. 

Good thing I didn't mop, and, well, now I have to. 

Anyway. We had a great day, just us girls. Got a lot of work done, and they were both so overjoyed when Doug came home. Dahlia has never had a Dougless day here at the house! The joy was palpable!

Here they are hogging up where I sit to work. Jerks. Adorable Jerks. Digits below.

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours.  2 Indoor walks. 33 min/1.87 miles. Had to get a shower and get ready for a meeting so I ended the walk. then I was pushing some steps in so i can hit 10k and did 12 min/.53 mile.  10k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

8am: 167
4:30pm: 124
10:30pm: 101

food:

coffee/water
8am: phentermine
10am: metformin+glipizide
12:30pm: BLT salad
2:30pm: protein shake
4:30pm: container of chicken salad
6pm: metformin+glipizide
8pm: 2 slices of multi super grain bread w/pb (was not hungry for what I made the boys for dinner)
9pm: jardiance

Slightly better

Managed a good night's sleep last night. Having Zquill handy is very helpful. I'm able to fall asleep relatively quickly and can get through to 2 or 3am and that's when I wake up. I go pee, if Doug's not snoring, I come back to bed. If he is, I go to the guest room and listen to a podcast, or not. Sometimes not. And sometimes I fall right back asleep, which is what happened today. 

So a nice big chunk of sleep until Dahlia came to me at 6:45am. Oh hello. Good morning. okay. we're up. 

Even though I felt really gross today I put in the full day of work, and then some. I thought about leaving for the gym and the market at 3pm after my last meeting wrapped but I dove into some other things. Doug came up at 4:30 and was disinterested in the market. Geoff was still at work. And we decided to take the dogs for walks. Getting my walk in was important, and Dahlia needed it too.

Doug went one direction with Toffee, I went the other with Dahlia. I probably could have gone another couple blocks but I was ready to go home. It was a good, brisk walk. She did well on the leash. I was able to jog a little and she was super good with that. 

There are days when I just want to keep her, and others when I just want it to be Toffee and me.

We still didn't have anything for dinner. Sadly. Doug took things out of the freezer to make dinner and I was thankful for that. It was a nice effort. The rice was good. The pork pieces were not so awesome. Geoff had class tonight, so he was happy to eat and get to school. 

So I ate a lot of rice, regrettably. My sister let me know she was in the car so I called her. She had some updates for me about her weekend, so I walked while she talked. And I got an extra couple blocks in. 

Then I ate Oreos. Regrettably. 

Tomorrow, Doug has to go into his office, I've got meetings on top of meetings. But because he's out of the house, I'll maybe try to vacuum between calls. Needs done. 

Digits below a nice dog who is waiting patiently for Doug and Toffee to come home from their walk (five minutes later). Catchin' some rays.

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. Two walks. One with Dahlia (20 minutes/1.02 miles), and one while talking to my sister (15 minutes/.72 miles) 10k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

8:45am: 160
5pm: 154
11pm: 93

food:

coffee/water
9am: phentermine
10am: metformin+glipizide
12:30pm: grilled cheese w/4 slices of swiss, turkey, sourdough bread. one Entenmann's chocolate donut (see yesterday's post about shopping at target when hungry)
6pm: metformin+glipizide
6:15pm: doug's fried rice w/pork (the pork was leftover/defrosted, not good, so.... mostly rice)
8:45pm: jardiance
9pm: a lot of oreo cookies
vodka tonics

Don't go to Target while hungry

I did take today off of work. Not because I just felt like it,  but I think I jinxed myself yesterday and ended up having a reason.

I didn't get any sleep last night and woke up this morning feeling like absolute crap. We went to bed at 10:30 and Doug didn't put on his CPAP. The podcast that we were listing to ended, and he has it on a timer to just not play another episode, and I was wide awake, wanting to hear something other than snoring. 

Into the guest room, listening to a different podcast, and just not falling asleep at all. It was after 4am when I really fell asleep. Toffee came in the bedroom and hogged up the bed horribly. I had to get up and poop repeatedly so I was afraid to actually fall asleep too. 

6am came and I was actually sleeping alright at that point. Doug's alarm went off because he had a very early meeting. I messaged my boss that I was taking a sick day. Which I never do. I will work here through being sick, and just keep the camera off and keep to myself but, I wanted none of it. 

I messaged a couple besties and asked them to do things for me, for us, for the team. They sure did. I went back to sleep until about 8:30. The dogs were playful and noisy. Geoff left for the gym and was noisy, and I had to pee. 

For lunch I made chicken salad again, and got a shopping list together. I tried to convince Geoff to go but he said he was busy studying for a test tomorrow. Okay thanks. 

I was way overdue for some blood work, so I had to go out anyway. I thought I'd take a nap and tried but could not fall asleep. I gave up at 3:30 and waited for my phone to charge. I finally left at 4:30. Because of course, I can't get out of my own way sometimes.

Had I left earlier, I would have gone to the gym first but. It was just enough to lab visit and get food. 

I go to Target when we need homegoods like paper towels and dish soap. They have everything I need at a better price than Giant, but they are sometimes missing a few things. That's okay, I'll send Geoff tomorrow for some additional things like low sugar preserves and Spray & Wash. 

But really, I should not go to Target if I'm hungry. I bought a lot of junk food and stuff I (we) just don't need. I know Doug and Geoff will just eat it, but my body was kind of like "oh hey, Double Stuff Oreos. How YOU doin?"

The kicker of the day was that I forgot that one of my clients was doing a tech switch over tonight at 7pm. Thankfully I put a meeting on my google calendar so I got an alert while I was eating dinner. Ope, as they say. Everything went perfectly, and I was delighted. 

That's about it. I'd call out tomorrow too but I have so many meetings that I just can't skip. 

I'll be sure to shower.

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. No gym/walk today. 6500+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

8:15am: 121
4:30pm: 113
10pm: 137

food:

coffee/water
8:15am: phentermine
10am: metformin+glipizide
11am: bowl of chicken salad
6:15pm: metformin+glipizide
7pm: bowl of penne w/meat sauce
7:30pm: ramekin of cashews

Did you shower today?

 Thursday was the last day I showered. 

Not really like me, to be honest. I shower daily because I am usually on zoom calls with clients, or my team. 

I passed on Friday because everything was so busy and I didn't even get to take a decent lunch time. I put a bandana headband on my head to push the bangs out of my face and my hair actually looked nice, so. It wasn't a problem. Just something new, different, weird. 

I sometimes skip showering in the morning, do my first wave of work/email, and shower at lunch, but Friday this was not possible. And around 3pm, 4pm, I didn't feel like it so I let it go. 

Saturday I just couldn't be bothered.  We were not going anywhere, and all I did was walk Toffee. After the walk, again, just didn't feel like showering. 

So today, I went to the gym and the market. While I was on the treadmill I just thought to myself that I was a gross person. So gross. Why are you out in public at all. What are you thinking. When I got home, I took a shower. Finally. I didn't want to shower before the gym just to get hot and sweaty again, naturally

Sometimes, you get in the shower and you say to yourself "Oh wow. This is exactly what I needed." I had the water up super hot. I scrubbed all of me with a facecloth. I washed my hair and used conditioner like an adult. I stood there for a long time. And I realized dinner was not going to make itself.

Afterwards, I felt not like a million bucks, but maybe thirty five dollars and twenty seven cents. Much better than the zero I was feeling for the past couple days.

My running joke with a couple of my friends is 

• Are you hydrated?
• Did you get enough sleep?
• How about some fresh air, did you go outside today? 

And I think adding "did you shower?" to the list may be important.

I'm still feeling down, and my head and heart hurt. My mother in law called today and Doug was taking a nap, so she and I talked for an hour. She is dreadfully upset and concerned about everything that is happening with the current administration. I think she needed someone to talk to. She follows current events closely, and when she talks to Doug he is a bit dismissive of how she is feeling, and he isn't very supportive or in agreement with her. 

He's not really in agreement with me either. Sadly. 

I have to say, it is a relief to hear someone talk the way she did, when she is a someone that I did not think would. 

"I'm not going to be around much longer," she said (but honestly, she will, mind you) "and I'm just so upset about what is happening and what we are going to leave for others. It's devastating to me." 

She asked about my job, and honestly, I don't think any of this will impact my job. Who knows. We talked about snow and ice, about our guest dog, and how much she loves shredding old documents and paperwork. 

It was a nice chat. We don't get to talk too often. 

For dinner, I got the makings for french bread pizzas, with skinny french bread that kind of broke into many pieces for some reason and I didn't think dinner would work out. I wanted to put ground sausage, peppers, mushrooms, all over the pizza but it felt like I was just making glorified bread sticks. It felt horribly disappointing in the prep phase. I only put on pepperoni, but Doug and Geoff said it was pretty good. 

Shocked at how low my glucose readings were after that dinner. Took it three times and picked the highest of the readings (lowest was 97) for the "official" list here. 

Tomorrow I may take the afternoon off. I just do not feel like working. Sadly. Just not feeling it. 

Another escape on the treadmill may be in order. And I need blood work done. So maybe I'll ditch in the afternoon. One of my clients is doing a thing at 7pm that I told them I'd help monitor so. Flex time.

Digits below. I have pictures but don't feel like moving them off my phone. Meh.

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours.   Treadmill and grocery store. 58 minutes/2.52 miles 12k+steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

8am: 145
5pm: 141
10pm: 115

food:

coffee/water
8:15am: phentermine
10am: metformin+glipizide
11am: homemade egg mcmuffin w/double sausage patty
6pm: metformin+glipizide
6:30pm: french bread pizza
white wine
8:30pm: jardiance

Mental and Physical break

Last night, I fiished working and shut the computer and decided I was not going to look at it again. I had watched the press conference with Trump and his ilk, and Zelenskyy, and was sick to my stomach watching it. I don't want to write too much about it or how I feel, but suffice to say, I didn't see it as an example of American Exceptionalism.

I went to bed last night, still furious about it. My fitbit told me I was earning exercise points from an elevated heart rate for about an hour, and it wasn't wrong. 

Didn't sleep well. And realized that I didn't do an entry here. 

That's okay. I blend days sometimes and that's alright. 

Geoff worked today so he was up very early. I set the coffeemaker up for him in advance so I didn't need to listen to him bang around the kitchen, and wake up the dogs. But the dogs did wake up. Of course. Action in the food room! Must go see! 

He fed them at 6am and I think Doug woke up at 7ish, in time to see him off for the day. 

We sat around the house. My head hurt (and my heart still hurts from what we saw yesterday). At around 3pm Doug decided to go for a walk, but he'd only be taking one dog. This would mean if I stayed here, I'd have to listen to the other one cry because of the hateful criminal act committed unto her. 

I decided I'd take Toffee if he took Dahlia. We walked separate directions, which confused Toffee at first but she settled down and we had a great walk. I added an extra block around, it was windy but warm. Good pace, glad I went. Doug and Dahlia got back before us because his ankle hurts. He twisted it in the yard whent he dogs crashed into him while playing. So I wasn't surprised to see him here when I returned. 

He and dogs napped and it got to be late-ish. Geoff would be home soon and we had no dinner plans. Lucky for us, Geoff bought some bbq pulled pork stuff at Aldi the other day, the same day that Doug made slow cooker pulled pork. Ha. So we saved it for a few days and I am glad it was there. No motivation to do much of anything. 

Proud of myself for taking a walk though. 

There was a lot of this today. Poor Octopus. Digits below. 

Saturday digits

exercise: 12/12 hours.  Toffee walk - 25 minutes/1.19 miles, 8k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

9:30am: 135
4pm: 113
11pm: 135

food:

coffee/water
9:30am: phentermine
11am: metformin+glipizide
12:30pm: last of the chicken salad w/ some iceberg lettuce
6pm: metformin+glipizide
6:30pm: pulled pork bbq from aldi
7pm: bowl of fritos

Friday digits

exercise: 12/12 hours.  No walk, took a break. 5600+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

7:30am: 131
4pm: 116
11pm: 95

food:

coffee/water
no phentermine, waiting on script
10am: metformin+glipizide
11:30am: chicken salad w/grapes and pecans
4:15pm: ramekin of trail mix (mostly peanuts and pepitas, spicy!)
6pm: metformin+glipizide
through the evening: vodka & diet tonic; christmas cookies (maybe 6 small ones and one big one)
8:30pm: jardiance

I actually forgot what we had for dinner last night. huh.