Soul Vampires

Writing this on Saturday night. Somehow Friday's entry didn't happen. I felt absolutely exhausted by 8pm. I went to bed so early. 

I told Linda that whenever I'm here I have a list of so many things I want to do to be helpful and get done and literally nothing happens. Nothing. It is like all my life force, my soul, gets sucked out of my body. 

It hasn't helped it has been intermittently raining and blah. And work was a lot. My energy flagged hard at the end of day yesterday. All I wanted to do was nap.

After work, I went to meet some of mom's friends that she doesn't hang out with much any more because they don't go to that restaurant they all used to go to. She didn't want to come with me. Because it wasn't "the restaurant." 

D & B, the other D, Trixie and her husband, another couple who know my mom and dad very well, and a few people I didn't know - it was a big gathering. We toasted Dad for his birthday, everyone raised a glass, more than once, to Bart! 

D has been very helpful to my mom over the years and especially since dad died, but she also does a lot of work for her own neighbor who is much needier with COPD and a lot of health issues. 

Also, my mom pissed her off a lot a couple months ago so she took that opportunity to super scale back her involvement here. I can't blame her. I would too.

But she misses my mom, and mom says she misses her. Mom won't call her to say hi, and D reached out to say hello last week but mom was kind of like "meh" about hearing from her. 

Mom leans a lot more on her neighbor here, and D said "she's going to burn her out with her needs, like she did to me, and then she's going to say something she can't take back." 

That's when I started to think maybe my mom is a Soul Vampire in a way. I've had my share of Soul Vampires in my life over time, and mom never used to be that way to me, but lately, I've felt the drain. I've seen the drain on other people. 

I don't really want her to wear out her fellowship with her neighbor. She and her husband have been so kind to mom for so long. She's funny as hell, and I really like that mom has this person to turn to. They've been friends for years, friends a lot longer than I was really aware of until my dad died. A lot of connections here to people in Old Folks Land. 

After getting back on Friday, I gave mom the greetings from the crew and she seemed somewhat interested in how folks were doing, but, she was playing her game and busy. 

I think I took my blood sugar at 10 and went right to sleep. 

Today I woke up at 1am, and was awake for quite a while. I listened to several episodes of The Constant, and tried another podcast called Our Fake History. It's alright, I liked it except the interstitial music was really loud rock and roll guitar, and that was a bit jarring as I was trying to actually snooze back. It's the kind of podcast I could do while out for a walk, or on the treadmill. I'll keep it around. 

After one episode I went back to one of my familiars with very gentle music and fell back asleep around 4. 

I heard mom making coffee, it was 6am-ish. Too early to really be up on a Saturday. So I went to the bathroom and drank a pint of water so I'd be sure to be waking up at a normal time. That is always a perfect trick to not sleep forever. 

I made my coffee and headed out for a walk almost immediately. I knew we were going to the restaurant for lunch today. There were people mom said she expected to see there, and her fave bartender was working. 

It was a good walk, Perfectly timed with the podcast I was listening to (not the one I am thinking will be good for walking). Showered, ready to go, lunch was good, the people mom thought would be there were there. But she's weird. She doesn't actually spend time with these people, she just wants to see that they are there and then she's satisfied. 

The wife in the couple is on oxygen. She's had a really rough couple years. She fell out a third story window and almost died a few years back, and now she is reliant on oxygen thanks to years of smoking. 

She stood up to leave, and had to stand there for a really long time breathing. And it was a little worrisome to witness. Her patient husband stood beside her, hand on her back, waiting. 

And my mother goes "Oh my God look at her trying to breathe." 

I wanted to punch her in the face and tell her to shut her bitch mouth. Yes. We all see her trying to breathe. Everyone sees her.  You do not have to yell that out. 

The other day I said she is in her toddler era. And that's what a small child might do. And she does shit like this all the time. 

It is exhausting. 

We got back to the house, it was about 3, she was ready for a nap.  I decided I'd go over and look at dresses, shoes, whatever, over in the plaza. There is a JC Penney, and a DSW shoe store next door. I saw a couple dresses that are maybes, a couple I really liked but honestly cannot wear with my knee being the absolute disaster it is. 

I then walked over to the other side of the plaza, went to Torrid and Ann Taylor, Talbots, the wine store, basically just looked at things and thought about things. Cute tops, lots of cute tops. Nothing wedding wear wise in those stores though. 

When I got back, I had already beat the 10k steps and figured if my body wanted a nap as a treat, we'd get a nap. 

The phone rang. 

It rang again.

The caller ID just said things like "Call from, Nantucket." "Call from, Montana." None of these are real calls, and she does indeed let it just go. But she's obsessed with following up to block the call. 

She comes to my door, I'm actually asleep. I was able to fall back asleep after the ringing. 

"Chrissie." she says, "CHRISSIE!" 

I raised my head and said 'oh hi? what?" 

"I can't take a nap because this fucking phone keeps ringing." 

Oh so you woke me up to tell me that. Okay. "Well, I actually was sleeping," I told her.

"Well I can't." She says. 

"You can fix that by turning your ringer off. You do not have to have the ringer on, at 900 volume."

"No." 

She said and walked away. 

Thanks, that was a nice nap.

Jess and Molly are coming tomorrow and we'll have lunch at that restaurant again. I've been holding off for scallops so tomorrow being mother's day, I'll be shoving that in my face. 

We'll go shopping together, I am so happy Molly is coming because she can totally guide me in how to dress as the pretend mother to the groom (long story which I will write later). I'm looking forward to this.

I also found out where there is a Macy's for a second place to go lookie loo at things. 

Right. Digits for 2 days below the yard bunny that actually hopped over to see me.

Friday digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. Three walks - first walk cut very short by sudden rain, 6 min/.34 mi. Decent walk after dinner; 20 min, 1.08 mi. before bed to finish up the 10 k, 13 min/.48 mi;  10k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

8am: 114
4pm: 111
10pm: 86

food & meds:

8am: jardiance + phentermine
8:30: strawberry cheese danish
1pm: met+glip, the last of the cranberry walnut chicken salad
5pm: 3 chinese chicken wings, 2 beers
7:30pm: roast beef & colby jack cheese on Keto multigrain bread; met+glip
9pm: pita chips & hummus; wine

Saturday digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. 2 walks; morning walk 22 min/1.16 mi; around the plaza shopping, 37min/.85 mi; 12k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

9:15am: 131
4:30pm: 142
9:45pm: 110

food & meds:

9:15am: jardiance + phentermine
1:30pm: buffalo chicken strips and a small side salad; 2 glasses of wine; met+glip
4:30pm: atkins protein snack
7pm: met+glip
8pm: a little southwest taco pasta salad; pita chips and hummus
white wine

The Birthday Girl

Last night after I got back from Walmart, mom was puttering around, looking through my groceries like anything would be of interest to her. 

"Ew, lettuce."

Heaven forbid veggies touch her body. 

I needed a salad, and got me some happy things for me that make me happy. Baby greens, little cherry tomatoes, a nutty toping. I've got two types of chicken salad. I can build a fortress of goodness, and she can eat her peanut butter wafers. 

I bought her flowers and a little cake, which were both hiding on the porch until this morning. 

She was up around 5 am, and when I woke up at 6:30 I noted she had not started the coffee at 5. I had it all set up for her to just hit start, but she didn't. Not sure why. 

So I did it, and got the flowers ready for her. I went down to her room, she was somewhat snoozing, but heard me and looked up at me. 

"I started the coffee for us, happy birthday!" I told her. She smiled and thanked me. "When you're ready to get up, the coffee is waiting for you down there. 

She shuffled down from her room and into the kitchen, and was surprised to see the roses. She gestured to them. "Who are these from?" 

Um.

Me? (good lord, lady. What. Who would they be from at 7am).

Happy birthday, lady. 

We went to lunch at 1, the bartender that she loves picked up the tab for her lunch, so I tipped her 100%. When people take care of this old lady, I want to show them thanks. Mom's neighbor who keeps a good eye on her came to the house while we were out and she retrieved the secret cake and the candles I'd bought to take it to her house for later.

At the bar, the bartender brought out cake with a candle for mom, and the folks in the bar sang for her. It was all so sweet. 

Back to the house, she went directly in for a nap. I had a meeting with my boss, then office hours for the product team for another project happening (they did a great job and killed it). I had a client meeting at 4:15, they're in a different time zone, and I wanted to be available for them later in my day. 

Once things were wrapped up, we went to her neighbors' house. They ordered pizza and we had the cake, video called Linda so she could be with, and we had a nice time. I played with their cats, and it was a delightful time. I don't get to spend much time with them, and these neighbors do take really great care of her.

I took a decent after dinner walk, because it warmed up and got sunny compared to the drizzly nasty morning. I realized I was only at 5k steps at 7pm so I had to up my game, and so I did. 

Mom's friend bought her cute pyjamas as a gift, so of course she put them on the minute she came into the house. I got the coffee ready, and got a snack of some protein to balance out the cake and ice cream. 

Doug and I had a nice chat. We don't talk every day when we are apart, so there was fun stuff to talk about. I told him all the mom stories and he told me about how he went to Lowes to buy raised garden beds and they didn't have what he wanted, so he's just going to order what he wants online and have it shipped while he's up here.

Once mom was in bed, I was about 60 steps short of 10k for the day and decided to just walk around the house. The living room was dark, and I didn't have a problem in the dark the past few nights. I thought to myself, I should put on a nightlight in here, but. 

Boom.

My left knee hit the edge of the chair. We had moved the living room table a bit further into the middle of the room so she can navigate through with her walker when she needs to, and I knew that I had to shift a little but ... I shifted too much. 

And of course, that's the knee that got belt sanded on the treadmill. It was almost healed. Almost. Whacking it, I saw stars, and I immediately threw my ass into Dad's recliner and did not scream at the top of my lungs. I felt the heat and sting of blood, and knew I had to get out of the living room quickly because otherwise, it was going to look like a murder scene in the living room. 

As was, the kitchen looked like a murder scene. 

I got to the kitchen sink, and grabbed some paper towel to pressure on the wound, got it to basically stop, and then realized how badly I had to clean up. 

It was not fun. 

Thankfully, I had bought gauze pads and stretchy clingy tape, and that was in the house. I had left a lot of shit in the car, but ... oh thank you brain for knowing to put this stuff into the backpack when we got here. 

Digits, below. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. 33 min/1.73 mi;  11k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

7:30am: 125
5pm: 147
11:30pm: 108

food & meds:

7:30am: jardiance + phentermine
8am: strawberry/cheese danish from walmart
1:30pm: 8 buffalo tenders; 2 glasses white wine; met+glip 
6pm: slice of pepperoni pizza, small slice of chocolate cake, hoodsie cup
7pm: met+glip
9pm: 2 baby bel cheeses
white wine

In Her Toddler Era

I woke up early, and after a cuppa I took a walk. I had taken the morning off, so I wasn't pressed to get back. I thought I might loop again but it started to rain. And it has not stopped. 

At 10:15 I drove my mom over to the hair salon. Once a month she sees this lovely woman who takes very good care of her, and my mom is lucky to have her. There's a lot there that I do not have the energy to write out. 

When we got back, I started work, and my mom had the visiting nurse/PT person coming. But it wasn't one of the usual girls, this was a guy.

"I don't want a guy." She said to me. "I want Michelle." 

Well, Michelle has better things to do so she's sending this guy and why don't you just be nice." 

She was fresh, and if you ask me, she was rude. 

But these in-home service providers are damn rockstars, and he can take it. "Aaah, you're a spitfire, I see!" he says. Eventually she warmed up, but she did threaten. to shove her cane up his ass and said "You wanna be a chocolate popsicle?" 

I told her after he left that it isn't cute, it isn't funny, no one is enjoying that. So she stuck her tongue out at me. 

At 5:30 I went and got a pedicure. I picked this cute sparkly rose color, and now I feel like I need a sparkly rose dress. Will solve that soon enough. 

I was going to go to Walmart and pick up some things, like a loaf of bread and some salad stuff for myself, and tissues for her, but it was absolutely pouring, the parking lot was packed, so I went to Wendy's and got a burger instead. 

Linda and I talked extensively about mom and how the day went. And then I realized I was over 3,000 steps away from 10k. Even with the walk. Damn. 

I didn't want to lose my streak so, I put shoes on and headed out to Walmart after all. 8pm, hardly anyone was there. I got about 2k+ steps out of the way, enough to just get back to the house here and finish by doing a walk-about. Mission accomplished.

Tomorrow is her birthday. 83 years. I got her a little cake and some roses. I need to find a vase. Shit I should have done that before getting cozy. Ha. Well. I'll figure it all out in the morning. 

Digits below. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. Walk around old folks land, 20 min/1.13 mi; 10k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

8am: 97
4:30pm: 137
10:30pm: 123

food & meds:

8am: jardiance + phentermine
12:15pm: left over caesar salad, left over rotisserie chicken, met+glip
4:30pm: Atkins snack bar
6:45pm: Dave's Double cheeseburger & fries from Wendy's; met+glip 
9pm: white wine with hockey

Walkies

It was very warm today. After our argument about the thermostat last night, today would be a day to literally open EVERY window and let in fresh air. But she still has the heat on. Because heaven forbid, fresh air.

Last night, I was warm,  and uncomfortable. I didn't fall asleep until after 1am, stupidly. And then I woke up with the birdies around 6:30. 

Mom had already been up and she turned on the coffee, took her meds, and went back down to her room to wait for the time when she could eat/drink. She has to wait a while after taking one of her meds. 

I poured my coffee, drank it, and pondered the outside. It was early but never too early to call C. 

I let mom know I was taking a walk ("Be Careful") and went out and called C. She kept me company for the over a mile walk around the neighborhood. It was perfect weather, just the best temperature, no wind. Perfect. 

We had a very busy work day. I skipped lunch with mom because I was supposed to have a meeting, but, the girl didn't show up (boo). Lunch would have been nice, but I've got that covered for Thursday. Will get a make up date then. 

After work tonight, I went and made some photo copies at Staples, and got a bunch of stuff ready to mail out first thing in the morning. I went to Lowes and bought a fan for this room because last night I was fucking roasting like a goddamn rotisserie chicken. I haven't set it up yet but ... will.

I went to get a pedicure after going over to that side of the shopping plaza, but they were so busy she asked if I could come back in an hour. I didn't feel like coming back in an hour, so, I made an appointment for 5:30 tomorrow.  It will be nice to knock that to-do item out of the park. 

Then I thought about going to buy a dress, but was feeling more hungry and less shoppy. So I went to a new restaurant in downtown to treat myself to a meal. And a beer.

I ordered wings, asking "are they deep fried and crispy?" and the girl told me oh hell yes they are. 

Insert narrator voice: No, they were not. 

Still they tasted okay even if they weren't how I like them. I got a salad and then regretted it. Like, why didn't I just get a burger or a cubano or something more hefty. Salad is uninspiring. 

My mother called, all worried that I'd been gone all of 45 minutes. I thought about just not answering the phone at all. Just. No. But I knew she'd call and call again.

I paid, and got a box for my salad to go home with. I'll eat it for lunch tomorrow with some of my other chicken stuffs. I fought the temptation to go to Walmart and get some Entenmann's something, or a big danish, something crunchy, something sweet. I knew I had no snacky things at home but just didn't want to deal with it all. Just go back to the house.

Jess and I hadn't chatted for a bit, so we had a 2 hour yap. Very delightful. Told them about my knee and the Treadmilltastrophe, we talked about the wedding and how her friend is doing with stress and family.  They are going to come here on Sunday for a visit, to see Grandma and if I need help buying a dress, a set of eyes to assist.

My mom came down the hall three times while I was chatting with Jess to ask if I was using the internet. I told her yes. YES. I had a hockey game on. Yes. I'm using the internet. I have work to do after I'm off the phone. Leave me alone. Stop asking. Leave the internet on. Ohmygod i'm gonnnnnna kill youuuuu. 

Anyway. 

Time for bed. Well, set up the fan first. It may come in super handy. I'm hot already. 

Digits below. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours.  Morning walk w/C on the phone, 23 min/1.14 mi. 10k+steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

7:45am: 122
4:30pm: 150
10:30pm: 94

food & meds:

7:45am: jardiance + phentermine
10:30am: atkins snack bar
noon: cranberry chicken salad w/pita chips; met+glip
6pm: 6 buffalo wings; 50% of a chicken caesar salad; 2 beers
7pm: met & glip
white wine (no snack things) 

It's hotel waffle and treadmill time

There was almost nobody at the hotel. I went down to breakfast at about 8:30, no one was there. Which is so nice. 

I had scrambled eggs and bacon, with salsa. They had biscuit brekkie sammitches but they were in a steamer, and ... soggy and gross so I passed on those, though for sure I was tempted to take the sausage out and toast an english muffin and build myself a fresh nice thing. 

Then, I saw the waffle maker. All alone, no one queued up to use her. Just .... there. 

Hell yeah I'm having a waffle, too. I freaking love hotel waffles. I love how hot and fresh and wonderful they are. 

90 seconds of patience and rotating the iron over to start and end and that's all you gotta do. 

She was delicious. I loved her. What a joy.

Checkout at the hotel is 11, they couldn't accommodate my request for late check out but that was okay. I asked if I checked out, and took a meeting in the dining area if that would be okay and the lovely lady at the front desk told me that was great. I also asked her if it would be cool if I used the treadmill after the meeting and she again told me that was great, she'd open the door for me. 

Hell yeah, Cynthia. Thank you. 

The treadmills at this hotel are super brand new, top of the line lifecycles. They have a GIANT screen with an Environment setting so you can walk/run through places. Today it automagically assigned me to Auckland New Zealand. I sometimes get dizzy when I use those settings, but today it was very nice. And a great view at the end. 

The treadmill is also like running on air. You almost don't know it is a treadmill. It is soft and gentle, slightly bouncy. I felt like my pace (about 14 min/mile) was really good. aaaaah. 

Once I was done with the treadmill, I headed to the car, headed over to mom's. I was already kind of stressed out by her before 2pm. 

I went to the market to get a couple things for her. She needed milk and coffee grinds. She's very particular about the milk, it has to be a quart, it has to be from Cumberland Farms simply because she can see through the bottle and know exactly how much is left. 

Her Cumbies is always out of milk when I go there. 

They're kind of useless. 

They had one gallon of whole milk, and about 90 chocolate milk quarts. There's another Cumbies in town, so I went down there and he had all the milk in the universe. 

After I bought the milk, I thought about going across the street to a new restaurant that recently opened, but I took one look at how I was dressed and said nah - not tonight. 

Literally, I have cookie dough on the side of my yoga pants. 

Wear grown up clothes, and try again another day. 

Also, I needed my own foodstuffs, she needed that coffee, so I went to Shaws. The only thing I couldn't pick her up was tissues, she likes Puffs with no lotion. Every single brand had lotion. Everything. So I'll go buy some tomorrow. 

I was sitting here watching hockey and working on something, and she came down to ask me if I'm still on the WiFi. Yes. Do not turn off the internet. The TV runs on the internet. If you turn off the hockey, I will get really really mad. If you turn off the internet while I'm working, I will get really really REALLY mad. You do not have to turn the internet off at night. Leave it alone. 

So she came down again and said "oh" when she saw I was still working on the computer (writing this, and also I just talked to Linda for like 90 minutes on FB video chat). 

Do not turn off the internet, woman. 

She continued bumping around in the kitchen (it is 10pm, and she's usually fast asleep by 8) and I am watching her very carefully. She's making her water, she is fussing with stuff on the counter that I put in the wrong place. She also has been fussing tonight because she put the heat on and it was blowing cold air. She and I almost had a fight over the fact that the thermostat was indeed set to heat and 74 degrees. It just takes a while for the heat to start blowing. "I'm cold." She says. Put on a sweater, I replied. 

And the heat is indeed blowing, because it is blowing right up the wall behind me where I am sitting hot as fuck. 

She went back to her room with her water, satisfied that everything is in its right place in the kitchen after I moved shit. She'll wake up at some point later tonight, and turn off the internet ... just because. That's how she rolls. 

No pictures from today, digits below. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. Treadmill at hotel, 30 min run/2.12 mi.; 12k+ steps by bedtime 

blood glucose:

8:15pm: 121
4:30pm: 84
10:15pm: 89

food & meds:

9am: jardiance + phentermine
8:30: scrambled eggs & bacon; hotel waffle
1:30pm: protein shake, met+glip 
4:45pm: small bag of cashews
7pm: rotisserie chicken, some potato/egg salad; met+glip 
white wine w/diet cran

A Guster Concert Got In My Way - Providence RI Acoustic stand night 2

Guster did a three night stand in Providence this weekend, and I got to go to night 2. The best part of it all was surprising my friend Sara who had no idea I was going to be there. 

All day Friday while she was driving up we were texting about traffic and nonsense, and they got there Friday night just in time for Guster to start after the opening act. Her son said beautiful things about me and my sister not being there, and how it was a great show, and there would be two more great shows, but, a little less great without us. 

Ha. 

On Saturday as I was driving north, I checked in with her and other Gus Friends to make sure they were all keeping it a secret. 

It was a success. 

My trip up, as a side bar, was great. I ran into Connecticut Traffic as usual, but it wasn't the absolute worst. Leaving at 6:15 I got to Providence to my hotel at 3. I got each of my hourly steps, and didn't get a measured exercise but did get a nice walk in with Ben when we had some time to kill. 

I texted Sara before the show to tell her I hoped she had a good time. When do you think you'll be at the show? 

She texted me to say her son said that he was sad I wasn't there. So. I had to blow up her spot right then. I texted her this picture. 

She lost her mind. 

Ha! Everyone kept such a good secret, and she had no idea I was there. And she was also amazed that I rode the ruse by constantly asking how they were enjoying Providence. 

The show was outstanding. I love when they do a fully acoustic show, and they bring strings. The violin player was stunning, just so good. I was in awe. Rockstar. 

After the show everyone was going over to a place called Ogies, and I thought about just Ubering back to the room but it was obvious I needed some food so I went with. 

Probably the best bacon cheeseburger I've ever had in my life. 

Fell asleep talking out loud.

Today, my friend Angela (who I shared the room with) said she wanted to get a haircut. We were headed to a BBQ at the house of a couple friends, but they didn't want anyone there until 2. We went and got her hair cut, bought flowers for the BBQ hosts, and also stopped at a brewery in East Providence. They were severely impacted by the Bridge situation in PVD, and I wanted to support them. 

So Angela and I went in, had a round, and headed to our friends' for the BBQ. 

It was freeeeeeezing but the party was outside because R&B couldn't have us inside. Not a problem, we made cozy, we ate food and loved every bit of it. Hen and I went for a walk because he has an Apple watch now, and it tracks steps so he wanted to get more steps. We ended up going for a mighty walk, 1.5 miles together. And he told me "this feels effortless because when you do this with a friend it isn't hard." 

Love that kid. 

At about 5 I decided I should drive over to mom's area. I stopped at her house to let her know I am here. We set up her coffee for tomorrow, and I headed to the hotel where I chatted with Linda, and then got ready to crash out. 

Here are some more pictures, more updates in life tomorrow! Digits below. 

Saturday digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. No Treadmill,  but over 12k+ steps by bedime

blood glucose:

5:45pm: 85
xpm: n/a no afternoon reading
11pm: 189

food & meds:

5:45am: jardiance + phentermine
through the day - nothing really good. Some road snacks, At some point I ate lunch. 
4:30pm: met+glip; Carnitas bowl at Xaco Taco (highly recommend). 3 beers
at the venue, another beer
11:45pm: bacon cheeseburger and some tots at Ogie's. Met+glip

Sunday digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. Great walk with Henry, 32 min, 1.55 mi. 11k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

9:30pm: 131
5pm: 200
10pm: 111

food & meds:

9:30am: jardiance + phentermine
10am: scrambled eggs
4pm: BBQ foods; met+glip; some trader joe's pb cups, some pasta salad and 2 hotdogs, no buns
8:45pm: met+glip
a lot of white wine

All the Self Care

Singing that title to the tune of "All The Small Things" by Blink-182, by the way. Chuckling to myself. 

Today I had appointments on my schedule. They'd been there for several weeks, and because my doctor's office is back where we used to live, it's over an hour and a half schlep there on a good day. 

I booked everything all at once to get it all done. 

I was 2 years overdue for mammogram and pap smear. I have three friends who recently have been diagnosed with breast cancer or other Cancer of the Lady Bits. When I had my hysterectomy back in the day, we opted to keep the cervix.  So the responsibility to make sure I don't develop some ick there is on me. I had not had an in person check up with my PCP in over a year. 

So yeah. Do it all. 

To be honest, I thought about canceling these appointments and rescheduling for ... when. June? I thought about going up to Massachusetts on Wednesday when I had a pretty free and open day with no trainings, few meetings, but honestly. 

Honestly, Chris. Take care of yourself, okay? You can't take care of anyone else if you have some shit going on. You've learned that lesson.

My ride down to the doctor was easy as pie. Never have I had a smoother trip down to a place close to DC. I was early enough that I got some bloodwork done before my appointment. This is a mandatory/periodic blood draw to make sure the meds I take are working for the blood clotting condition dealie. 

I have to do it every 4 weeks unless we have a bad reading, and then every other until things get back in balance. I made the appointment for the bloodwork on the app in my car in the parking garage. 

Ha. 

I walked in, 9000 people ahead of me, and pulled my ticket. Got called in before all of them. 

Sorry everyone. Use the app!

My PCP is delightful. One of the reasons we haven't changed to a closer office for the regional practice is that Doug and I both love her. 

I showed her my 2016 and 2026 passport photos (in this entry) and she couldn't believe the difference. We went over all of my trends in the bloodwork in the last 6 years. She gave me huge praise and accolades for the progress. Another reason to stay with her, she knows where I was in 2020 and before, so I don't have to build a history with a doctor all over again. 

We agreed to change one of my medications. I'll move off phentermine and onto another med she wants me to give a go on for weight loss. We both think that I've plateaued on phentermine, and it isn't going to make much of a difference to stay with it. 

That said, I weighed 190 fully dressed so they put 188 on the summary.

Let's see if we can get more progress on things. I told her I'd been stuck at 193/5 for a year. the fact I dropped a couple pounds in the past couple weeks is probably not because of the medication but ... stress? diet? something not meds. She agreed. And we'll see how we do over a couple months.

She also noticed my knee, and asked what happened. I told her about my incident. She laughed when I painted the visual of me holding on for dear life while my knee got belt sanded, and Doug came in and just pulled the emergency cord. I included the bit about Linda invoking the images of George Jetson. She grew up in India and wasn't familiar with the cartoon, but I told her where to find the video of him and the dog-walk treadmill. She lovingly and laughingly re-dressed the wound, with neosporin and love. Thanks Mom.

The pap smear was with a whole different doctor than my usual one. I am sometimes weirded out by having someone I do not know diving right in and poking at my hoo hah, but she was lovely and funny. She asked about my hysterectomy, and we both laughed about "bodies just be tryin'a kill us sometimes." 

Then, noting I didn't actually look at when my appointments were scheduled, it was noon, and my mammogram wasn't until 1:30. Ope, as they say.

Well. I guess I need a sandwich. Good thing I know the neighborhood.

There's a cute little bakery/sandwich joint across the street from the doctors. So I headed there, and had decision anxiety. I ended up ordering the "Fancy Reuben." What makes her fancy? the addition of grilled onions and mushrooms. 

The sandwich itself was tasty, but ... thin. for 16 bucks, I want a half pound of meat, ya know? I want a NY style reuben, fancy or not....and there was only one mushroom so it was not as fancy as they made it out to be. 

The coleslaw was delightful. I could have used a lot more of that. 

Back to the facility, and they took me 15 min early for the mammo. The tech was super fun and cute and we were done super fast. 

She told me "we're halfway there" after we finished the left side, then, she said "you know that song when they're singing Oh, we're halfway there...." 

I said "of course, we're living on a prayer."

She nodded and said she saw a reel of ... a lemon on a pear. 

Let that sit with you for a while. Lemon on a pear.

Once I was free of the mammo, I thought about going to visit Meg Dog and her parents in the old neighborhood, but it was too short notice. That'd be rude. 

So I just headed home. And it took so much longer going back. Friday, on a beautiful weekend forecast, everyone was on the road by 3pm. 

Doug and I had planned tentatively to go pick his suit up and then go shopping for me, and maybe have dinner. But he already went out and picked the suit up, and wanted to mow the lawn. Okay then. Pivot. 

I watered the flowers and did some tidying up out in the yard and garden. I worked for a couple hours. Geoff made cheesesteaks for dinner, so I had a half roll sized one with a couple fries. 

I cleaned out the car, we had a lot of junk and empty shopping bags in the back of the volvo. She needs a good vacuuming but it's much nicer. I also found the window sticky things for the EZ pass. The volvo didn't have any so I got some at a service center on the highway last trip. Then couldn't find them. Ha. 

All my friends know I am coming, except Sara. She has no idea. Can't wait to surprise her. She texted me all afternoon long about their trip up there, and they got to the theater by the skin of their teeth... 

Looking forward to tomorrow. 

Anyway. Picture of me here is from the doctor's office with TWO Wardrobe Changes!  I never look right in selfies. First one looks like I'm about to cry but I'm not?  In the pink top one, C told me I looked unhappy. I thought I was looking very serious to accompany my message and plea: do your self care, make your appointments, get your mammo. 

Side by side, here they are. Coming soon - stylie haircut. Can't wait. Digits below.

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. No Treadmill, no measured exercise. First day in FOREVER that I haven't done that. Weird. 10k+ steps by bedtime.

blood glucose:

8:30: 120
5pm: 174
10:45pm: 83

food & meds:

8:30am: jardiance + phentermine
12:30pm: "Fancy" Reuben. It was fancy because it had grilled onions and mushrooms. For the price, it was not fancy enough. But it was tasty. Metformin (I had one in my purse, didn't have a glip). 
4pm: glass of wine w/doug
6pm: cheesesteak (mini) and a few french fries. more wine
7pm: met+glip
white wine after dinner

Thursday before a long weekend

We stayed up late watching hockey. I think I fell asleep around 1, but woke up at 3:30. Doug had also woken up but went downstairs to the guest room, probably to play a podcast and not disturb me. I also know when we wake up and go down to the bathroom, we tend to stay down there rather than schlep back upstairs. 

Someday, we'll have that 2nd floor bathroom. 

Anyway, I went to the bathroom and schlepped back up. I put on a podcast myself, and listened to most of it before I fell back asleep. Then awake again, start the podcast back where I remembered hearing the last thing, fell back asleep, woke up and didn't know how the guy ended up dying or if he went to jail so I found that spot. Oh and the podcast is over, start a new episode... 

Eventually, it is 6:30am. And I have to pee again. And I'm thinking about the cookies that are downstairs. How can I go back to sleep when I know there are cookies down there? 

So I just declared me up for the day. Toffee thought that was a good idea. 

I did her feeding and put her outside, got the coffee rolling, ate two cookies while dipping them into the coffee. Kind of blissful. I love that. 

Toffee came back in and Doug was very asleep in the guest room. She went in to cuddle with him for a bit but came back out to be with me. Obviously I'm cooler. I played games on my phone, watched the time, and thought about doing the treadmill but I didn't want to disturb his sleep. I can do that whenever. 

Eventually, all were up and home was bustling. It was cold out, and I have wanted to sit on the porch for coffee but have to settle for inside. 

We did a big training today for the product, over 80 people were in training, a lot of good questions and again a lot of way over my head tech-side questions. So thankful for my work son. 

We also did a check-in on all the tickets we've been getting, and my boss was very clear to ask how we're both doing (work son and me). A lot of this is big and overwhelming and we run the risk of something falling through the cracks, so he's doing just an amazing job of staying on top of things with the developers. Work son is writing documentation for the Hard Tech Thing. I'm dealing with the incoming helpdesk tickets, troubleshooting problems. 

Oh I just remembered I'm supposed to write a ticket for the devs. Shoot. First thing. Do it first thing. 

At the end of the day, work son said "so far he's the only person involved with any of this project - aside from you - who has asked me how I am doing and that almost made me cry."

Honestly, sometimes that's all that matters. Pulse check the team. Make sure they are feeling okay. Allow them to "show up as their honest self" if they're freaking out. Create that space, lovingly. 

My boss is very good at that. 

Anyway. 

Great training, lots of helpdesk questions, and one on our content management system not working for a partner share set up. 

After dinner, I fell asleep on the couch, again, that's the third time in 2 weeks. It's all a drain. 

And... tomorrow I've got doctors appointments. Doug is thinking he will take the day off, he needs to go pick up his suit. I have to pack. I folded, and I'm not joking, 11 loads of laundry and still have more to go. But now I know where that T-shirt is that I've been looking for, and Doug has clean underpants. All is well in the world. 

On that note, bedtime. Digits below. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. Run on the treadmill, 20 min/1.4 mi; 10 min walk at end of day to make the steps, .67 mi. 11k+ by bedtime

blood glucose:

6:30: 140
4:15pm: 143
11pm: 106

food & meds:

6:30am: jardiance + phentermine
6:45am: 2 cookies
10:45am: 2 baby bel cheeses 
1pm: tuna melt on 647 italian; met+glip
6pm: chicken pasta alfredo a la geoff
8pm: met+glip
white wine+diet ginger ale

Doubletree Cookies and Wine

A while back a friend of mine posted a cookie recipe for the famous Doubletree chocolate chip cookies, and I was curious enough to print the recipe. And promptly forgot all about it.

I was having some anxiety tonight, which is pretty normal when [gestures at everything]. 

A number of things are going on. Work is one, but that's just work. Today was a good day, and my boss and I went over open cases and tickets, and got a lot of stuff organized to go to the team tomorrow. 

I finally got Doug nailed down for his travel plans for coming north to meet me up north. He's going to take the train from Baltimore, and I can get him in Providence on Tuesday May 12.. I booked a couple hotel nights, while he bought his train ticket. 

While we were planning all this out, I decided fuck it - I would bake those cookies. I also started drinking wine, and I've been doing my best to NOT drink on work nights but when your girl does baking, your girl does wine.

That recipe was just sitting on the counter, and I was sick of just thinking about it, walking past it every day (it is linked above). I wanted to make pan banging cookies but these called to me instead.

They came out very nice. We had hockey going on the TV, we were having some great conversation, and then we had cookies and wine. 

Some nights, that's all you need. Right? 

I did the treadmill after my 1:1 with my boss where we did a bug bash/ticket comb through for the ages.  We would have kept going if he didn't have to go to another meeting. I talked to my cousin Jimmy for 10 minutes and ran for 20 plus. 

After cookies and wine I went back to doing more work stuff, before I knew it it was so late. 

Still have some anxiety, but there is cookies and wine. Digits below the picture of the cookies.

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. Treadmill walk then run, 2 miles/32 min. good timing considering how much of it was walking! 11k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

8:45: 126
5pm: 148
11pm: 110

food & meds:

8:45am: jardiance + phentermine
12:30pm: small ramekin of mac & cheese w/bacon
12:45pm: met+glip
1:15pm: BLT salad
6:30: Chicken Amaretto (a recipe Geoff found. Not bad!)
8pm: met+glip
9:30pm: 2 chocolate chip cookies
white wine

Missing Steps

I tried to pre-load my day with steps. I was up after midnight so I put in about 500 steps before I got in bed. That wasn't enough. While I'm making my hourly quotas, holy shit I'm not walking much else during the day. 

I did a run before dinner and I was really hungry so I wanted to just finish up and get off and eat. Then, fell asleep on the couch with Toffee. I didn't sleep well, maybe about 5 hours and none of them in a row. When I woke up, it was time for hockey.  I worked a bunch extra, helping a client getting ready for our big application launch and his stuff is a mess and a half. So I spent a couple hours just purging stuff for him. They can't permanently delete things, but I can. So I did. I have just one more thing to do for him tomorrow and he'll be all set.

The weather today was a little assy, cold and rainy. So no walk with miss Toffee after dinner, which would have been a perfect thing to do. In fact, she was hoping for it. I hit the treadmill for a second time in the day.  The Decemberists have some bangers that got me a good pace. I intended to just walk because I needed 2500 steps or so, but found the run, found the beat, several songs were 14.5 min pace, which is a little slower than I like to run run. But it was enough. 

The training we did today was pretty great. Lots of good questions and then some follow up help desk tickets. I didn't answer them all, and I'm sitting on top of one that I should send out before bed but. It's so late. 

There are a couple things making me anxious. We have some third-party partners to this, and they're very worried about stuff and I'm unable to provide them with answers. It's stressful. I'm reliant on others. 

Things launch 2 weeks from today. While I'm on vacation. ha. 

Anyway. 

Still ironing out the Doug part of the trip up to mom's. I talked to her a little bit today and she's very sore. I thought about just going up tomorrow but I really need to not cancel my own doctors appointments. Then, I thought about leaving immediately after said doctors appointments but I'd be driving to New England on a Friday Afternoon in the nice weather and that's just suicide. So I'll stick with Saturday. 

Alright. Digits below. No picture. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours. Two treadmill things. Run before dinner, 1.39 mi/20 min; Fast walk w/good pace around 10:30pm to make up the steps missing, 1.53 mi/23 min. 11k+ steps by bedtime

blood glucose:

8:30am: 113
4:30pm: 91
11pm: 138

food & meds:

8:30am: jardiance + phentermine
11am: plain bagel w/plain cream cheese and turkey breast; met+glip
3:30pm: protein shake in coffee
6:30pm: small bowl of pasta w/sausage sauce
7pm: met+glip
no alcohol