The Big Chill

I found out that a college friend passed away in March. 

Another friend had been thinking of him, and she had been in touch with him as recently as February of this year. He was not returning her texts, so she googled him and found his obituary. 

It reminded me of when I found out a high school friend I'd been thinking of had passed, I wrote a blog entry about that, so many years ago. You can read it here, if you like. 

Finding a friend's obituary is like getting sideswiped on the highway. She reached out to me to let me know, enveloped in her own haze of grief. We both missed his celebration of life, and the crappy part is I was in New Hampshire and could have gone to Maine for the service. If I had only known.

I'm just so sad about it.

When we were in college, and this is before the Doug years, there was a group of us who just hung around and watched movies and sang songs and were fast friends. Me, my roomie Bonnie (Bubble),  L played guitar and we'd sing, I was dating S, M's parents would host us at their lovely cottage home on the lake near the college. And then there was Paul. We called ourselves The Big Chill, or sometimes The Big Thrill. It's all a blur, to be honest. 18 year old me is far away at this point. 

We had so much fun together. Literally the best. It lasted two years, S and I broke up. L graduated early, B and I remained the closest and most in touch. M and L were involved and then not involved. And Paul was in the middle of it all. 

There are some good pictures, I'll see if I can dig some up. One that M's mom took from the landing at the top of the stairs of us all piled in the living room with blankets watching a movie with big bowls of popcorn or something. 

I have an amazing picture of Paul with B's little sister. 

We all ... went. All different directions. I never saw him again, but I've been in close contact with everyone else. Still to this day. 

I repeatedly reached out to Paul over the years, once I found out where he was. But he never reciprocated. And I'm the kind of person who can take a hint sometimes. So I let it go. I let it go. 

They say not to live life with regret, and to be absolutely and completely honest, I have so few. But one is that I so very very wish I'd been able to reconnect with this lovely man.

Paul came out years after college, and I think maybe that he didn't want to be connected to us, because he wasn't able to really be his authentic self back in the day. All I know is if I knew then what I know now about life and love and relationships, if I had the heart I think I've grown into, he would have been safe to come out to me. 

I had no idea, to be honest. None of that mattered to me. But I wonder and worry if I said something, or gave off a vibe in a certain way, that would have made him feel like he couldn't be himself. Well. That I feel bad for. 

Never having the opportunity to have that discussion, ever, that is my regret. 

If you want to read about Paul, click here for his obituary. I love the photo. That's so him. At least, that's what 40 years ago me would think. 

Digits, below. No photo today. I just don't feel like taking or posting one. 

exercise: 12/12 hours of 250 steps, no dedicated 10, 5200+steps by bedtime. 

blood glucose:

8:15am: 177
5pm: 177
10:30pm: 136

food:

coffee/water 
10am: English muffin w/pb
11am: metformin
2pm: chicken fajita leftovers w/refried beans
6pm: salmon and salad
7pm: metformin+jardiance
8pm: 2 ice cream sandwiches
white wine