Hard to believe but my oldest child turns 30 today.
I miss spending time together and would love if they were comfortable traveling here. Would love some Jess time here at my house. We get to see them next week when we go up to Massachusetts so that's nice. I'm very looking forward to it.
Recently, they quit all social media (except the twitter maintained for the cat that shares their apartment) so online updates are few and far between. I guess there's a new cat in the house so ole Doyle's in for a run for her money. It makes me not check Twitter or Instagram anymore because now there's nothing redeeming to look at on the internet. So I don't look too often and then there's like news of something exciting from one of the bands I like and I say "damn it, Jess, why'd you have to quit Twitter!"
I've never had a super close relationship with my mom. Some of my friends talk to their moms every day, and I can go weeks without touching base. I called daily while my dad was hospitalized several weeks ago to get the updates, and that was the most contact I've had with her since Christmas.
I have always found it difficult to communicate with her. Everything is about her. Her reactions, her opinions, she doesn't listen to anything I share. If I tell her something about us, she then turns it to "well, when I was once blah blah blah" and it is like, no. Lady. I am trying to tell you about our experience and you're turning it onto what you once did, felt, experienced, but not in a way of giving advice. It's almost like competition, or one-upmanship. It isn't helpful, and it makes me not want to talk to her.
Knowing this about my mom, I've always hoped to have a more open and chatty relationships with Jess. I was always envious of friends who talk to their moms every week, or go on trips and travel together. My cousin Debi and my aunt Carole went on all kinds of trips together before Carole passed away, and it always made me wish for that kind of a close relationship, not with my mom but with Jess.
One of the things I try to do with Jess, and with other people too (to be honest), is ask questions about them and their life. And not really interject 'me' or 'I' statements into the conversation. My aunt Carole was this way, and my sister and I would joke around about her being "Auntie Twenty Questions." But when I look back on that kind of discourse, it's very loving to want to know about someone's life and experience, and get the updates. It may feel a little bit like prying or spying, or being nosy though. So I try to be careful.
Jess is a specific person, but, we've never had very direct discussions about their life. You'll notice the "they/them/their" pronouns and to be honest I only know about it because of Twitter. We've never sat down, and had open honest discussions about "things." And that is okay, if they don't want to. I do my best to use pronouns, and short name Jess. I want to honor the person they are.
It's really weird though to remember where I was 30 years ago right now. When friends came to visit me in the hospital during and after birth. How my college roommate took Doug to Burger King after a few hours of me being in active labor because he was hungry and how mad I was that they got to eat when I was not allowed.
Jess is much more introverted than I am, and that came as a surprise to me. I always thought Jess was very friendly, social, engaging. "So much mine" as the song by The Story goes. But they were very good at faking it. And I was often confused when pushback would come at the older years when we wanted to do something, or we wanted them to do something, and they did not want to. I get it now, and I really wish sometimes they'd been more open and honest with us, or, that I was able to pick up on cues to interpret what they need. I blew it a couple times, and got my feelings hurt but I recognize that some of those times were honestly on me.
Anyway. I give a lot of grace and leeway. If and when they wanna chat about life and stuff and junk, well then. I'm there. Jess will always be my person. I'm very proud of who they are. I wish I could have done more back around 2010 and college, with money and situations. But it was what it was, and now it is what it is, and we can only look at what it can, should, will, or may be.
There are so many stories and memories. Some my stories to tell, and some theirs. It would take a lot of time to write things out, and to be honest, I should. I sometimes worry about my memory, recollection, historical accuracy.
I also do not know how they feel about pictures from their childhood. I know a lot of people feel a certain way about not showing pictures from the past because of the fact they are no longer that person. Recently saw someone post "If you knew me in high school, you didn't know me." Because we all change so much, and that's part of life. But some people feel that their "past" existences are dead to them. So I want to be respectful and not post 100 pictures. It's different for me and my sister - we love pictures of ourselves when we were little. But I don't think Jess does. I've never asked, but I just get that feeling, you know?
I just went through a number of photos in flickr, and am tempted to share things. Some of them are just beautiful and stunning.
I'll share this one, mostly because the dimensions are great. And it is irresistible. Digits below the photo.
Exercise: it's pouring out. no.
Blood Glucose:
9am: 191
4pm: 171
10pm: 207 (probably because the late after dinner potato roll pb snack)
Food:
coffee
water
1/2 cup greek yogurt with about 8 black raspberries in it (just to get them all out of the way in the fridge)
grilled shrimp over salad with grilled asparagus and 1/2 avocado
chunks of cheddar as snacks
peanut butter on a potato roll
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