July! July! July!

It is July. Let's start with an Anthem, of sorts. July July July! Never seemed so strange... 

I feel like I am in a really peculiar headspace lately, I'm easily frustrated and flustered when usually I'm pretty even keeled. I have been emotional over dumb things, things I can't control or understand. 

Possibly the feeling of everyone on earth, or, at least in the United States. But I'm normally not this way. 

I told my friend Amy that I don't like leaving the house and she asked me why. 

I couldn't pinpoint anything other than "I just don't like it." I don't like it out there. Kind of like when on the Simpsons all the old people came out of the nursing home in a celebratory state, stopped, and turned around and went back inside. I think I feel that way. 

She said it sounds like agoraphobia, I disagree. Honestly I feel no fear with my... feelings. More like disgust? Dissatisfaction? Disillusionment? And being home in the house with the dog, the AC, the food, the dishes, the writing in the blog, the garden when I do go outside (Doug has been the farmer and I have been helping the morning glories in the right direction) it makes me happy to just be here. 

But I do go outside, I grill, I sit on the patio with my feet up on a rickety little table Doug found. I like my shabby chic outdoors even if I bemoan the fact I don't have a table to put the laptop on and work. I let my dog bark at passing mail trucks and contractor vans, oh... and people on scooters. I pray that the crazy neighbor lady behind me doesn't come out to talk to me. I wave at the people walking dogs. I listen to the ice cream man playing The Battle Hymn Of The Republic in the distance.

I like it here. I just don't like what's happening outside my yard.

Amy says she feels the opposite. She cannot wait to go outside. She actually feels itchy when she wakes up in the morning and can't wait to go outside. She heads to Dunkin, gets iced tea, goes around town, the harbor, anywhere she can go before traffic gets bad. She lives across the street from a beach and can just walk across, go down the public way no one knows about and there's no parking anywhere near it, and go look at the water, rocks, birds, everything. Maybe I'd be more interested in that kind of outside.

Geoff does our grocery shopping, and today I wanted two things from the market to make dinner. He had already gone to the gym and did a bunch of things so he wasn't interested in going out. So I thought FINE! I'll go out. But I didn't. I played Candy Crush instead, and cuddled the dog. 

Today I was supposed to head into the office. I need some work done on the laptop that has to be done in person. But I couldn't get out of my own way. It was 4pm and I had not yet left. So I basically scrapped the idea. I also found out I have to fill out forms and make requests so I said fuck it. I didn't want to be sitting on a bench outside the building waiting for my laptop for God knows how long.

On top of that, one of my teammates gave her notice and that's the second one in a month. I feel like our good little team is going to fall apart and I'll be the last one standing again. Overwhelmed, and overwhelmed. So I didn't give a shit about going in. I talked to my manager, and he agreed that I should just aim to come in during the week next week. I just have to plan it right for attending meetings.

I'm not sure what we have lined up for the weekend but I'd like grilled hot dogs and watermelon, and maybe even some potato salad, as a treat. Not a lot. Just a little. 

Digits

exercise: 

Blood Glucose:
9am: 152
5pm: 134
10pm: 200 (literally right after chocolate chip cookies by about 1/2 hour)

Food:
Coffee
Water
plate of grapes, pepperoni slices, cheddar cheese squares
1/2 chicken breast left over from last night w/salsa
peanut butter on potato roll
cheesesteak on potato roll
wine + diet 7up 
2 chocolate chip cookies (homemade)