Birthday, Ice Cream, Graduation Party

A Sunday entry. How bizarre is that. I normally don't get to do this, but Doug is learning about extra terrestrial involvement in the pyramids, the kids are at the neighbors, and I've got some time to myself while the laundry launders.

We had a busy weekend. Here's what went down.

Maine
Geoff and I went to Maine to get the Natster. Geoff had fun playing with Peteman and Mary, and I got to spend time with Marcia, which I always enjoy. Found out they're expecting Kid Four in February. Much to their surprise. But they've got the house for it, and the life for it, it all works for them and I wish them the best. They have wicked cool kids. Hopefully number four will be just as wicked cool.

Here are a couple pics from our Maine Visit.

Geoff told me he was a beaver, building a dam, "And this is how beavers get their trees," he said, grabbing a young tree to munch. I stopped him before he actually COULD cut the tree down with his teeth. He told me he wasn't REALLY going to chew up the tree, but just show me how it is done... right. Likely. But I did snap this picture right before I yelled at him to quit chewing nature.

Geoff and Mary enjoying a swing on the hammock. Geoff got it swinging pretty good there with his foot on the outside edge, and they had a nice time together.

Geoff looks kinda lonely without Mary. I changed the orientation of this picture from horizontal to vertical because I thought it looked cooler.

They have this cool double swing out front, but Pete was taking a nap so Geoff couldn't swing with.

We left Maine and came home to find Jessie, A and her friend T whose parents had not RSVPed intention to send her over for the movie thing... I guess they called while I was in Maine and Doug talked to them after he got home. It was weird mixing Natalie in with 10 year olds, seeing as she's 7... but she did well and got along all right. The girls had the bond of Jessie, and horses. And we went to see Spirit.

My Review, Our Adventures
I hated this movie. No exaggeration. It was PAINFUL at best. There were far too many scenes of horses talking to each other in horsey scream and whinny language with human facial expressions to give us non-native horse language speakers the gist of the discussion. The Calvary guys were of course brutal, western expansionism was evil, the Indian guy was the cool guy and "understood" the horse ... horse falls madly in love with girl horse, they spend hours playing and romping. Sigh. Happy. Love. Kiss kiss. Meh meh. Puke puke.

And in the end, yes I WILL give it a way so avert thine eyes if you don't want to know, horse and Indian guy escape the bad cavalry guys and the wicked worst of them all gives them the nod of approval and "acceptance," and they go off and live happily ever after. Yeuch. It was tripe.

The animation was impressive but there were scenes where it screamed "computer! computer animation! too perfect! too exact!" and that bothered me.

And the icing on the hate cake for me was the fact that it was all a BIG music video for Bryan Adams.

Bryan friggin' Adams, who hasn't had a hit since like 1985, is the songwriter, singer, STAR of the movie. All the songs were written around the plot of the movie, and there were intensely long stretches of time where Bryan Adams' song was telling the story while you watch horses leap and play, or fight bad guys, or work hard. It made my stomach hurt. Bryan Adams. Who the hell calls Bryan Adams and says 'hey, we've got this horse movie, wanna write the soundtrack?'

Please. Puh-lease! Stop. Bryan Adams. I laughed and laughed for the first 10 minutes. A great big Bryan Adams music video is all this was. And it was pure, unadulterated crapola.

But the girls didn't see it that way. They loved it. As we went out for icecream after the movie I said "what was your favorite part of the movie?" and they talked about it and how wonderful it was. I tried not to puke and was successful. Barely.

Geoff liked the movie too, but I don't think a movie about being bad and fighting back wicked hard (even if the horse was right) was a good thing for him to see right now. As defiant as he is. Because the message of the film really is just that -- fight. Fight because you are right. Which isn't a BAD message, don't get me wrong. I'm all for standing up against injustice... but I don't know that it is something that a five year old needs to learn just yet. Perhaps, learn to get along with your immediate because they are good and right and THEN when the need arises to stand up and fight, do so.

Sigh.

Anyway... he hasn't talked much about the movie other than he liked the horses and likes the "Get off of my back" song that good ole Bryan Adams sings for us.

Bryan Adams... I'm still laughing.

In short, I don't recommend the movie. Don't waste your money. But if you have a 10 year old girl who loves horses, well then okay... she'll love it. Take her. Otherwise, rent Shrek or something else if you want to see a good kid's movie.

Congrats, Melissa!!!
We went to the deep south of Massachusetts yesterday afternoon for my cousin Mike's daughter's high school graduation. I remember when she was born. I have pictures of her holding Jessica, pictures of her from my wedding 11 years ago, and she was little.

Now she's all grown up. So weird.... She's going to get a nursing degree, live at home to save money, and I think she'll do super.

I don't get to spend much time with this angle of the family even though we're in the same state. Seems like Boston is some sort of physical barrier between me and those down south... but I always have a wicked good time.

Anyway... that was our adventurous weekend. It wasn't supposed to rain, but it sure as hell is right now. We were going to go pick strawberries or something, but it looks like once I get off the PC the kids will get on to watch Jessie's "Harry Potter" DVD (thanks to me). Coming this week is another edition of Blogger Insider, Jessie's REAL birthday (with cake) and whatever other wacky adventures we can get ourselves into! Stay tuned for further developments.

Hoo Hoos revisited... trash can advice

I found out a Hoo Hoo (see the end of yesterday's post) is a pokemon that Geoff invented. It stands on one leg, like this! You can't see me, but trust me, I'm doing it.

Believe you me, I'm relieved it isn't what I thought it could be.

I got email from a friend teaching me how to weigh down the bottoms of the largest sized really sturdy kinds of trash barrels so that the trash guys either have to reach in and take the bags OUT to get them in the truck, or, when they do dump them out, they don't get blown around by the wind.

She also told me my other solution was to let only people like her drive on my street, because she gets out of the car and moves the barrel out of the street for the hapless homeowner. Good for you! I've done that too, but usually only for friends. I'm afraid my car will get rearended by some dumb bastard not paying attention as he comes whipping up behind me.

So normally I don't do such random acts of kindness.

But the suggestion and recommended tips may just be in my future. As Burns would say, "excellent."

This is a quickie... I'm needing to jump in shower and dress boy so we can dart up to Maine to get my Natalie and so that Geoff can play with Pete for a while (up at the Hydeaway) and I'll be bringing Natalie home with me this afternoon so that she can sleep over and do Jessie's birthday with her.

Should be fun.

It isn't even 10am yet and I'm laughing my ass off. Completely.

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Short Skirt, Long Jacket, Hoot Hoot

You've heard the Bud Light radio commercials where they celebrate the common man, right? "Mister Toilet Paper Refiller Guy" and "Chinese Food Delivery Man" among others... if you haven't, they are very funny. They have a voice over guy in all seriousness extolling the virtues of Stadium Beer Man and Billboard Changing Man, with this cheesy inspirational music and a guy singing in the back, chiming in with perfect little phrases to accompany voice over guy. (by the way, that link goes to a page where the guy has posted the lyrics to all the spots).

Here is the link to Bud Light's Official Radio Commercial Site... where you can hear some of the spots. If you haven't oh please do.

They are currently called "Real Men of Genius." But they used to be called "Real American Heroes..." until September 11th. Then, people complained to Bud Light, and they took the spots off the air until they could be reworked. I guess people thought that the "Real American Heroes" in the form of cops and firefighters would be insulted, and their families would take offense, and no one would ever drink Bud Light again. Ever.

Well, aside from the fact that Bud Light is PissWater Light (if you can get even more light than PissWater) and no one should be drinking that swill in the first place, these were funny ads, and yes, Mister Chinese Food Delivery Guy IS a real American Hero. Working hard for that dollar forty seven tip. And I think the cops and firefighters thought those ads were freaking HYSTERICAL on September 10th.

I swear if my husband died I wouldn't lose my sense of humor.

This is almost as insane as people being pissed about part two of the Lord of the Rings trilogy being called "The Two Towers." It's insensitive I guess. Here is the text of the petition, I'm cutting and pasting it to prevent a 404 error one of these days when the stupid petition is pulled off line forever (if the link is still up, please note the top of the petition where the hosts point out the obvious).

To: Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema

Those of us who have seen The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring know what an amazing director Peter Jackson is. When I learned that there apparently was to be a sequel, I was overjoyed. However, Peter Jackson has decided to tastelessly name the sequel "The Two Towers". The title is clearly meant to refer to the attacks on the World Trade Center. In this post-September 11 world, it is unforgiveable that this should be allowed to happen. The idea is both offensive and morally repugnant. Hopefully, when Peter Jackson and, more importantly, New Line Cinema see the number of signatures on this petition, the title will be changed to something a little more sensitive.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

Uh, the book was written in the 1950s fer chrissake, and that is the TITLE TOLKIEN GAVE IT, stupidass! Get a fucking clue! Peter Jackson has decided to tastelessly name the sequel????? Peter Jackson has no control over what a man decided to name his novel 47 years ago, you absolute dumb bunny! You simpleton. You jackaninny.

Plus, the fact of the matter is, that in the end of things these two towers remain standing. It's a wonderful tale of victory over abject evil. I think that Tolkien would be proud that he chose two towers instead of four spherical rooms. Or an octagonal plaza. It's the Two Towers, and they survive, and I think people will be moved by the sense of triumph and hope that comes through at the end of the third book.

But, I don't want to spoil that for you. I'm a Tolkien nerd.

---

I recently noticed that our trash guys suck.

Having lived here for six years (can that be true?) we started out life with four trash barrels, which promptly lost their lids because the trash guys never take care to put them anywhere useful, like back ON the can... so they get blown away and end up run over or in the creek. Ruined and useless.

In the last half year, two of our four barrels have met horrible deaths in the form of being run over by cars. The days in question weren't even really windy days or anything, but the guys simply didn't put the barrels up on the curb. So they end up in the road, and then someone creams them.

A few weeks ago, the trash guys came, and normally I go right out and get the barrels and put them away. (We had 3 at this point...). But on this particular trash day, I was slow to go retrieve said three barrels.

Suddenly I heard someone skid, slamming on their brakes, and then I hear the barrel hit my house, a car door slam, and the car rippin' tear ass away from in front of my house.

The shithead HIT the barrel, decimated it, and then threw it at my house like it was MY fault that he wasn't paying attention. What the fuck is up with THAT?? I mean, sure, it sucks to hit a barrel. I've done it. But throw it at my house?

Good thing he didn't hit the plate glass window or I swear I would have jumped in the car and chased his ass from here to Tyngsboro.

So that barrel died a horrid death. We now have two. Between our output and our tenant, we need four.

I need to buy more barrels, but I'm loath to buy something NICE with an attached lid, something sturdy and resilient. Someone might hit it and it might not collapse, causing their car to flip over 180 degrees onto its hood and people could die.

Stupid friggin' trash guys.

---

In other news, I jumped in here, not to write about Real Men of Genius, but to tell you about what Geoff is up to. He's singing.

He's singing lyrics of his own to the tune of "Short Skirt/Long Jacket" by Cake, which we just heard on the radio. He told me he loves girls. Loves girls all the time. And he loves that song about the smart girl. So he starts singing, (if you know the song, sing along. He never gets to the refrain):

"I want a girl that has a Spearrow [that's a pokemon].
I want a girl that plays battles all the time.
I want a girl that won't quit a battle.
I want a girl that rides a bike.
I want a girl that eats pizza.
I want a girl that has a Ponyta [another pokemon]
I want a girl that has a Hoo Hoo [I have no idea what a Hoo Hoo is, but it sounds interesting]"

Like I said, he doesn't get to the refrain, which isn't really a refrain at all, but this is good. I just need to find out what a Hoo Hoo is.

Doctors Appointment Redux

The trip to the doctor went as well as I think it could have. I think he's worn out from the test. The doctor was a very nice woman who reminded me an awful lot of a friend of mine's wife... only slightly older, a bit more dowdy and a lot less hip. So that was sort of creepy for me. Initially Geoff thought he was going to get blood work, but she explained that she doesn't do that... he was obsessed with it though and wanted blood work done. Kept talking about it too, which I had to explain away to her.

He didn't answer any of her initial questions -- did this kind of hedging thing where he'd avoid answering questions by giving bullshit answers, or "non-sequitors" as she called them. It became rather annoying. I left the room so she could start her testing, and after a half hour he came out on his own. She told me he was non-compliant, in every way shape and form. I volunteered to come back in and sit with him, reminded him that he wanted to go to Burger King after the test and the only way he was going to BK was if he got through it.

That made an impact.

I knew that he was going to give her heck, and it was just what I wanted because it showed her that I'm not insane in thinking there's something wrong with my kid which required behavioral testing.

Like the initial response to my inquiry by this hospital's staff MADE me feel. Thank you.

He made it through only one test. There was a second one that he could have taken for another hour after lunch, but the doctor and I decided it was pointless and he would be in complete rebellion if I brought him back after lunch... He had entered silly phase, and every answer to every question was a quote from Veggie Tales or from the Iron Giant. "Welcome to downtown coolsville, population us!" It was frustrating but the one test gave her something to go on and she'll be able to work up an analysis for me. She seemed positive and supportive, and very nice. Which made me feel less like a manilla folder in a filing cabinet. She deserves a thank you note.

So we left. She said she'd call me in about a week. She advised I set up time to meet with his kindergarten teacher to start looking at an Ed plan for him for the fall. We'll see what else she has to say. She said that auditory processing may be an issue, that ODD was something on the list based not on what she got to view but on his history.

I feel like a nap is in order. Unfortunately, Geoff is running around listening to Jimmy Eat World and yelling the words that he can figure out to "The Middle," his new favorite song, which, in his opinion "ROCKS STEADY!"

He's such a magnificent kid, and I'm hoping Jimmy Eat World has assessed the situation well in said song, ignoring the fact that he says "Little Girl," which you can read as me or change to Boy for Geoff:

"Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle, it'll up the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine,
Everything (everything) will be all right (all right)."

Everything will be all right, allright!

I met a really nice mom who has a six year old who was taking a reading screening... he has serious reading issues just like her daughter did only no one believed her when she talked to the teachers in first, second, third grades... so when she saw the same trend with her son, she flagged it (and he's at a different school so this group of teachers agreed). Her daughter has an anxiety disorder now because she is petrified she's going to do badly at something, after doing so badly for so long. She's finally gotten over the reading problems, but now is anxious about schoolwork because she is afraid the reading problems will come back again.

Poor thing.

So the mom and I had a good talk about language acquisition, reading, speech (her son has been seeing a speech therapist since he was three) and how happy she is so far with this hospital, the therapists and the testing. Sounds like she's been through the wringer. But she agreed that getting her kids seen in the first place was a bitch.

My good friend GPJ once told me after going through ADHD screenings for his own child, that the hospitals, the schools -- none of them have YOUR kid's best interests in mind. They want fewer patients, not more. They often will dismiss what you think is wrong. I'm glad that Doug is in on this family because he KNOWS the other side of the fence, and knows how to deal with the testing, the results, the findings, the doctors. He has written IEPs before. He isn't biased to Geoff's side at all, and in fact asked me repeatedly why I wanted to go through with this sort of testing, knowing that getting the knowledge is a pain in the ass.

We just baked brownies. I feel a cup of coffee, brownie and some chocolate almond ice cream pulling at my elbow, calling me with their sweet little voices. And I'm going to scan the radio dial until I find that Jimmy Eat World song for Geoff again. You can't go more than 5 minutes in the Boston airwaves without getting it. It'll make him a happy camper.

Oh, in non-Geoff news, Jessica's birthday is Tuesday, so she told everyone at school she was having a party.

Great.

Doug and I had alternate plans, where we were going to take her, Natalie, A. and T. to the movies to see "Spirit," and then have dinner out somewhere, like Macaroni Grille or TGI Fridays or something. We wanted it to be a surprise. We told her we had something planned and that she should just shut up and not worry about it. She jumped to the conclusion that it was going to be a party after school. So already two moms have called me about it.

What the .... ooooooh! Kid!!!

So we told her what the surprise was. Told her to go back to school today and apologize to EVERYONE and let them know there is indeed no party. I'm still waiting to hear back from T's mom as to whether or not she can go. Truthfully, I'd prefer it to be just Natalie and A., but we'll see what pans out.

I don't really WANT to see "Spirit." It is probably one of those "White men expanding to the west are evil, and indians and horses are better" things... and I'm so tired of the widely pitched White People Suck theme. But the girls only see the "horses are cool" aspect of the film. In many ways they are being undermined and brainwashed completely into seeing that westward expansionism which gave us California and Arizona and the like (which would have belonged to the Japanese if the Battles of Midway and Coral Sea hadn't worked out the way it did, but I totally digress...), and they'll get a negative message in the end.

Feh.

I want to see a movie where there are GOOD people trying to build this country. For a change. They tried that a little in Pocahantas, but most of the whities were just opportunistic and greedy jackasses.

I hate kid movies. Except Brave Little Toaster and Iron Giant (which has an anti-gun message, but it is an important one, because it defines the giant in the long run. If you've not seen it. Please do).

So that's our birthday plan. I know she wants her own CD player, but I have to find out what CDs she'd want to go with. Stupid kid, turning 10 on me.

Boom! And some photos

We've had quite a run of thunderstormy weather, which for me is fine. I'm all for it. But it makes using the PC a tad difficult. I took the left radar picture off the web, just before our collective asses got kicked on Friday night with a wicked boomah. We were over at the church helping set things up for the rummage sale, and the sky turned black as night, the wind churned up, and the children went screaming into the building. Looked rather foreboding, and not one person missed the chance to say "boy, it's good to be in a church at this time, just in case... you know."

Part of what I love about New England in the Spring and Summer. Last Thursday morning at about 4:45 a thunderstorm started out nice and slow, but by 5:15 it was a raging storm with super thunder... woke all of us up. Lasted another half hour. Normally storms in these parts move past rather quickly. Lately though we've been treated to celestial delights, with great lasting power. My favorite kind.

Saturday I worked for cateringman, several events going on that night from graduations to weddings. I worked 8 - 3 and could have stayed a lot later. Chris, the "head" guy got there at 5am, was going home to shower, work as a server, and then come back to the shop to unload.

That's Dedication.

But I got out of it because Saturday was also our wedding anniversary. Doug and I have been married 11 years, which in and of itself makes me proud and shocked. 11 years is a really long time this day and age. And I wouldn't trade him. We went to dinner in Lowell at the Mill City Brewhouse, dinner was great and the waiter was funny. We were going to go out to a movie, but it was after 9:30 by the time we finished up so we basically just came home. Old and tired. One of the highschool girls who works for cateringman sat for us. The kids loved her. It was nice to go out and know that Geoff wasn't making someone's life a living hell.

Our VCR died last week, and we got our cable feed through the VCR, so we've been sans TV for a few days. We borrowed the VCR from our friend's car, which is in our driveway (and has been since October when we told him we'd house it for him while he went to rehab) and tried to get the cable through it, but no dice. We were able to watch videos though, which was good, because the kids wanted to watch Iron Giant and Chicken Run over and over (by the way, Tess, your boy Vin Diesel does the voice for the Iron Giant, and I never noticed until just the other day when I was watching the credits... thought of you)...

But as our luck goes, after viewing 10 hours worth of tapes over the course of two days, the Iron Giant got STUCK in the VCR. Yup. Favorite movie, stuck. No TV whatsoever in our house right now. It's been kind of weird, because I feel completely out of touch with news, but I'm sleeping better because I'm not getting all this "NEXT TERROR ATTACK WILL BE SOMETIME, SOMEPLACE MAYBE NEXT WEEK MAYBE AT AN APARTMENT BUILDING" kind of news stories.

And the kids are far better behaved. Aside from missing Alton Brown, and a few other choice shows, I don't miss it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going off TV all together. I'm just saying I find myself not as panic driven and upset.

Plus, we've played a lot of UNO. And that's always a good time.

---

On Sunday we did our Sunday School end of year program, and the kids got to star in the production. Here are some pictures:

Geoff and S. as disciples of Jesus... Geoff knew I was watching him.

Geoff was in the process of raising his hand to give me a thumbs up. Looks like he's shaking his fist at me.

Jess and M. getting ready... M is tan already. How did THAT happen?

---

Last night Doug told Jessie to make some cookies, so she did. She forgot to put in flour though. Totally forgot. So the cookies came out... gross. They melted into one big flat piece of lump, and essentially would be good at the bottom of a cup of icecream, but nothing else. Aw too bad. Great try though!

But like cateringman tells me, "Practice makes better..." and we laughed heartily and fully at this failed attempt. She took it really well too, which thrilled me. I'm sending this one off to American Homebody.

---

Today (Monday... June 3) Geoff and I had coffee with a friend of mine and spent time with the farm animals at the farmstand... they have a lovely playground, and the animals are an extra plus. We then went to feed the llamas at the farm in Haverhill, and went to the market. I'm pretty shagged out right now. Whew! Four straight hours of animals and groceries. Who woulda thunk it? Here's the gory evidence:

The farmstand has this lovely border collie who keeps watch over the place. There were thousands of kids to play with, tons of animals to pet, and my son zooms in on his one true love... a dog. The dog was really sweet, and in addition to hanging out with Geoff he kept those scheming chickens in line!

I want to get a nice marinade going for dinner. Doug has another 2 weeks of school, Jess is done on her birthday, so she's extra psyched to have a half day for the occasion. It's like someone gave her a special gift! We're thinking of some sort of trip in August. I'm teaching (co-teaching really) a class at a local college the first week of August, making tons of dough from a professor there who is totally pimping for me... so my summer will be busy busy. I should get a second computer so that I can get some work done and the family can have their own PC set up.

Speaking of which, Doug bought a cordless mouse, which rules. I've never had one... this one is like buttah. Like BUTTAH I tell you. Smooth as silk, runs on my leg far from the receiver... I love it ! So thumbs up to Doug for his purchase.

Alright. Gotta go. Ciao.

Iron Chef USA!

How the heck did I miss this when it aired in November?

Last night, I was flipping around the dial waitig for South Park to begin, Yes, South Park... shut up. And I caught Iron Chef USA.

The latest program in an ongoing string of unoriginal, ripped-off-from-Europe-or-Asia-TV-geniuses here in the states. Nothing is unique though anymore in Hollywood. Iron Chef, Fear Factor, Big Brother... yadda yadda.

Anyway, they rebroadcast the Todd "my Boston restaurant keeps getting shut down for health code violations but I am still a pompous bastard" English battle, and I caught the last 10 minutes.

I didn't get to see the opening, which probably would have caused me to crap my pants laughing, but the closing was crazy enough. I had heard rumors. But it was true... there he was. There was William Shatner, "William Fucking Shatner" as Wil Wheaton calls him, is playing the "Commissioner" role. How funny is that? (Shatner's got a pretty good website, but, I noticed in his news page there is no mention of this Iron Chef USA role. ha ha. I'm laughing). He was so funny, doing his "food fuels our body, but cuisine fills our souls" kind of bullshit at the end. I almost fell off the couch. He was dressed for the role in this ridiculous purple vest, and did an okay job if his purpose was to not be serious. I loved him. On the whole though, critics don't care for the program. But the best part was the few bits of Shatner there at the end. My shredding of the program ...

hee hee heeee. Look at Shatner. He's so awesome. bwa ha ha.

If you are familiar with the original Iron Chef program, which hails from Japan and is featured prominently on FoodTV, the premise is as such: Eccentric Billionaire and Gourmand "Takeshi Kaga" decides to build a stadium in the basement of his opulent castle to honor the warriors of culinary art... the master chefs.

He assembles four chefs from around the world, and has lesser chefs come "challenge" the master "Iron" Chefs. The most popular of the Iron Chefs Morimoto, who does chinese/japanese like no one's business (and has a kick ass restaurant in Philly, with an interesting website).

Kaga puts the challeger and the master in "Kitchen Stadium" where they have one hour, and one kind of ingredient, and must prepare food for judges to vote on. The show is like a sports show, with camera action down on the "field" and commentary from the booth, play by play style. There's an "on the field reporter" who runs from side to side trying to get exclusive interviews with the chefs as they whip stuff up. Amazingly funny. It's all dubbed, except Commissioner Kaga, who is subtitled because his dramatic performance in the Japanese cannot be messed with -- it IS the show. The show has a great opening, which shows the Commissioner admiring his empty Kitchen stadium with pride, as he knows, this is the showcase of champions, of gustatory delights. And he picks up and bites a yellow pepper with such joy and contentment, with an "ah HA! Bring on the Iron Chefs!" look on his face. It is hysterical. He wears the craziest-assed clothing I've ever seen in my life, and is flamboyant as all get out. They traveled to NYC to battle Bobby Flay once, and here's the get up the dude wore for the press photos:

In the American version, frenzied audience members whoop and cheer like they're at an XFL game instead of the distinguished and honorable kitchen stadium. Like most Americans, they are loud and stupid, and I suppose that's how the world sees us so why try and change, right? They hold up signs stumping for the chef of their choice, mostly the pompous and full-of-himself Todd English. The challenger, Bellagio Vegas Chef Kerry Simons, looked like a deer in the headlights at the end as a calm, cool English was blowing kisses to the adoring crowd. What a showman! What a tool!

The judges picked to do the judging were not a reflection of the Japanese version of the judges. They picked the ridiculous jackass "comic" Bruce Vilanch, who looks like Michael Moore with a bad dye job and no Yankee hat, Mrs. D.L. Hughley (I should say her real name but her name on the show she's on is Mrs. Hughley), some blonde playmate of the year who was shown over and over eating, in slow motion, like she'd take someone's weenie in her mouth that beautifully (I'm sorry if that offends, but that's exactly what the producers were going for kids. Don't be fooled. They never showed Bruce Vilanch eating in slow motion, rolling his eyes and letting the food "play on his tounge" the way they did her. Obvious. Obvious. Obvious. Sex sells, kids) and some other guy who looked like he belonged in college, not eating and judging on TV.

The whole thing took place in Las Vegas, and was an absoute farce, if you ask me. Why do American studios (Lions Gate Entertainment in this case) have to make everything... worse. I mean, the campiness of Japan's Iron Chef was what made it so good. And everyone loved it, because it was Japanese, funny, and was poorly dubbed... not because they love the show and the action. Well, some people do I'm sure. The original was fine. And Shatner, while a total cult hero and able to mock himself to the fullest with an impish grin, is no Commissioner Kaga.

Thumbs down overall for the American version. But do catch the Japanese version on FoodTV. Gosh, FoodTV has all our favorite shows these days... or so it seems.

Gotta run. I assured Geoff that I'd take him to run errands. Our VCR is eating tapes, so we have to take it to get fixed in town, and I need a shower. More later.

Photos from May 2002