a non entry

Still not feeling up to being a human but totally appreciate the fact Doug did a ton of yard work today while I did some cleanup inside. 

No real entry today but I am very happy I talked to C and my sister a lot today. 

That's about it.  

digits

exercise:  11/12 hours of 250 steps.  Missed 9am by a minute! Dedicated 10 pokemon walk.

blood glucose:

10am: 173
5pm: 163
10:45pm: 172

food:

coffee, water
11:30am: Metformin
1:45pm: grilled cheese (2 slices American), Roast beef, 2 slices of 647 bread
7pm: pork chops & roasted potatoes. metformin + jardiance
8:30pm: shelled peanuts; white wine

Mental Health Day

Today, I didn't want to. Not at all.

I had taken yesterday off, had a roller coaster of emotions from being flipped out angry about the cemetery situation, panicking because the Air BnB man who owns the house we are renting next weekend has not emailed me back since I let him know we can't come. I offered alternatives like - don't refund my money, we are going to stay there, in April. How would you like to work this? What works best for you? Nothing. No reply. He always emailed me back within an hour before and now I don't know if I should just go ahead and cancel. He may not want to rent to us in the spring. 

My mother is being an absolute child and a pest to my sister, who, saint that she is, has told me not to come relieve her this weekend - she'll stay a while longer. But she's jury duty coming up the week of the 16th so I may have to go then. And miss my semi-mandatory in-office gathering. But. We'll see what happens with that. I'm not worried about work. I'm worried about her. 

Doug and I may go up there next weekend, but, his mom is supposed to have surgery soon, we just don't know when. So that may be up in the air a bit as well. 

Geoff could be here solo. We're praying for him to get a job, and if he does, he'll need one of the cars. I can fly up to RI but will need to get myself to my mom's. Which is why going up this weekend would be good if Linda is still there anyway. 

And I had a lot of happiness and joy yesterday with seeing great live music with a friend - but that jubilee only really lasted until I got home and started thinking again about all the moving parts and the situations at hand. 

I had a horrible night's sleep got up this morning and decided I just didn't want to. 

I didn't want to anything. 

So I did not. I woke up enough to message my manager and my teammates, and I went back to bed. Then, I had a dream where my boss and department head were trying to do expense reports with me for a trip. I told them I hadn't been on a trip for work, and didn't need to expense anything so they didn't need to do anything. They were looking at receipts, and asking me who I talked with and how this person and that person were. And I kept telling them, I did not know how anyone was. I didn't go anywhere. Then they handed me a reimbursement check for thousands of dollars. And would not take it back. 

After second sleep, I just played games on my phone until I had to pee. Then I went back to bed, and played games on my phone until I had to pee again. 

Super exciting. 

At about 5, Geoff and I went to get the car from the shop. I stopped at the vet and picked up the pawprint they had made for us of Phin's paw. I got it for his former momma. I'm going to make her cookies and ship it to her. If I can get out of my way and do these things in a timely fashion. I really need to get better at doing the things that are inside of my head. 

Then I went to the grocery store because Geoff didn't feel like it, and to be honest, he goes all the time for us. So. Okay. I'll go. I hate going places. I hate going to the grocery store. But no one was there, it was kind of nice. I got stuff for dinner tonight and several nights this week. I think in my head I imagined I'd be flying up to Massachusetts tomorrow, so, why not set the guys up with meals. So we're well suited for dinner probably through to Tuesday or Wednesday. 

anyway. I'm just kind of feeling like a slug with a cloudy head. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. 

Oh, here's a picture of a dog I met in Annapolis, he was lovely and I had fun playing with him. He let me take his whole wrinkly head in both hands and squish it all around. And didn't get mad. 

His name is Zig, and he is 4 months old.

Digits below. 

digits

exercise:  10/12 hours of 250 steps.  Slept through 9 and 10am like a slug.

blood glucose:

10:20am: 161
5pm: 117
11pm: 170 

food:

coffee, water
11am: 3 pieces of bacon; metformin
12noon: pbj on 647 bread
7pm: metformin+jardiance; nachos - Tostitos scoops, melted cheese, avocado, salsa, sour cream, spicy ground beef
8:30pm: trail mix (with a lot of raisins)
3 beers

Just what I needed - Amythyst Kiah in Annapolis

In the midst of yesterday's maelstrom of anger and emotion, I was waiting for Sara to come get me so we could go to see Amythyst Kiah in Annapolis. She got me, we ran into NO traffic to speak of, which was a blessing, and we got to the venue in time for dinner. 

We haven't seen each other in a while and there was a lot to catch up on. Thankfully this little venue (Ram's Head On Stage) is a sit down place and they serve dinner/drinks. I thought we'd have to eat at the attached restaurant and rush, but we didn't have to. A smaller, limited menu compared to the restaurant but it was just right. Just what we needed.

The place was half empty, which to me was a little surprising and sad. When Sara bought the tickets, we weren't sure what the layout was, so we ended up to the side/back of the stage. Lucky for us, there were two tables right in front of the stage that people had bought tickets for, but they didn't show up. The waitress told us we could go sit there but if the people came, we'd have to move. 

We were okay with that. 

Amythyst Kiah is amazing. Everyone should go see her. The voice, guitar work, banjo. Hell the banjo.

I've got chills just thinking of her performance. She writes a lot of her own music, but also is part of Rhiannon Giddens' Our Native Daughters which focuses on the banjo and the reclamation of Appalachian folk music for the modern era. With new songs, old songs, and everything in between. I can't recommend their project and recordings more highly.

This is the third time I've seen her. First was with Guster in Maine at On The Ocean 2022, with the band. Then we saw her open for Josh Ritter in DC, solo.

If you are reading this - go to youtube and fall down the rabbit hole. 

Here's a taste: 

Cause I don't want a theocracy, or some idle ideology,
We're all made of stars from above.
I pledge allegiance to my soul, I follow where she needs to go,
I'm a pilgrim for the empire of love.

We had such a good time. We stayed up until after 1am chatting, catching up, and it was just a blessing. So nice. Today I got up on the earlier end of things, talked to Jess and Linda in the hotel lobby in my PJs with my starbucks coffee. 

As for yesterday's drama, I think we're postponing the funeral until the Spring. So now I have to cancel or reschedule the Air BnB to then, reschedule the bagpiper, Linda has to cancel the restaurant. Thankfully Jess didn't book the ferry yet. 

And to be bluntly honest, I don't think my mom is going to make it to the spring. I really don't. I'll be shocked. But. Sadly, she's not being cooperative with Linda, she's fighting about eating. She's just ... difficult. 

And I'm not sure what the weeks ahead hold. Anyway, here are some pictures of some joyous fun from last night. 

Honestly visit Amythyst's webpage and if she is coming near you (ie: Portsmouth NH for my Boston and NH area friends) I do recommend. 

It's like church. And you may need it. Lord knows I did.

digits

exercise:  9/12 hours of 250 steps.  Missed 1pm because Sara and I were enjoying lunch. Missed finishing 4pm because Doug and I were talking about the funeral mess. Missed 8pm because I'm sitting on my ass here staring into space.

blood glucose:

8am: 206
xpm: n/a didn't take an afternoon reading
10pm: 168 

food:

coffee, water
1pm: metformin; fried green tomatoes caprese (2); fish & chips, 3 beautiful pieces of fried cod, some french fries, cole slaw; 2 beers
6:4pm: part of a salad w/ diced chicken - too much actual bleu cheese and too many cranberries
8pm: metformin+jardiance
8:30pm: chicken salad, slices of cheese

Procrastination, Procrastination, and Pivots

Meant to post on Tuesday. Barely posting on Wednesday

I'm shopping for an urn. As mentioned the other day.

We kind of procrastinated on this. Like, .... it's like we didn't know what date the funeral was going to be. We've known for weeks. The ashes came to us in a weird green plastic box and it's just not .... nice.  So I went to Etsy and started looking around, a couple weeks ago. Then I stopped. I was just distracted and didn't feel like redirecting myself to the needed tasks. 

And here we are. A week and a couple days out.

The urns I looked at could still be purchased, for extra shipping or whatever and I'd have to do it today and the guy said he can't guarantee it would be here in time. I found another seller, and worked with him for expedited shipping. 

I went to Amazon and there are some there that are a lot cheaper and can be here by Oct 1. 

But these are nice. Much nicer.

Doing stuff sucks. It makes me want to just go lie down on the bed and play with the phone. I guess I can't be mad at my mom when she doesn't want to adult, and just wants to play some video games on her computer. I know the feeling. I want to just ignore the responsibilities of everything and meh. 

Why am I like this? Sometimes I'm all organized and getting shit done and spot on top of it all and other times (like now?) I'm just in a fog. 

I managed to make a decision, I purchased the urn I wanted that I should have bought 3 weeks ago. I paid a shit ton extra for expedited shipping. I'm an idiot. but it is done. It's nice and it's done. 

I got email from the funeral home at about 4pm saying 

....

the church isn't doing funerals on the day we picked because it is a holiday weekend and no one is working. so ..... 

Pick another date. 

Ha. 

More to come. Digits for 2 days below. 

 

Tuesday: digits

exercise:  12/12 hours of 250 steps.  

blood glucose:

9:30am: 174
4:30pm: 183
10pm: 241 (eep)

food:

coffee, water
11am: small ramekin of mac&cheese
11:45am: metformin; tuna salad cheese quesadilla (shredded cheddar, tuna & celery) 
5:30pm: bowl of chili w/cheese, sour cream, cheetos
6pm: Metformin+Jardiance
6:30: another bowl of chili

Wednesday: digits

exercise:  x/12 hours of 250 steps.  

blood glucose:

8:30am: 183
5pm: 163
11pm: 197 

food:

coffee, water
12:00pm: Metformin
12:45pm: bowl of left over pot roast
3pm: three slices of ham
7pm: chicken quesadilla w/avocado, sour cream, salsa. poke tacos, 3 beers (small) 
8pm: metformin+jardiance
10:45pm: popcorn+truly seltzer 

What is this a Monday?

I'm relieved I am taking a day off this week, I'm going to a concert in Annapolis with Sara and I can't wait. 

I'm working with Linz to finalize the funeral in New York - and I think we need a pretty urn for the cemetery. I am on Etsy shopping and there are some HILARIOUS ones that say "Return to Sender" and "It is Awfully Dark In Here."

I mean. Hilarious. But no. I can't. I wouldn't. 

I mean...

My dad had a wicked sense of humor and he would laugh. But he's not here to laugh. And there would be others who would be mad. 

I feel bad buying something beautiful to just put in the ground. 

Anyway, that's all I know today. Bed.

digits

exercise:  12/12 hours of 250 steps.  

blood glucose:

8:45am: 181
4:30pm: 141
10:15pm: 170

food:

coffee, water
11am: metformin
11:45am: left over shrimp curry. 3 shrimps, a lot of onions and carrots, one big piece of green pepper. (Too bad i couldn't enjoy this over some rice because it is amazing). 
4:45pm: 6 crackers 2/pb
6pm: Meatloaf + tiny roasty potatoes
6:30: metformin+jardiance

On It Goes

Spent time tonight catching up with Linz and my girl C. Life is complicated, friends. So complicated. But I love my girls and we have each others' backs. And that is all that matters.

Linda is monitoring mom's situation. By Wednesday we may have to decide to have me go up to relieve her because she'll be there a week and she wants to be home next weekend for her MIL's birthday. 

In theory, I can fly up Thursday. I can stay a week and then drive down with mom and Jess on the Friday for my father's funeral weekend. I can work wherever there is wifi. Life is good. 

We'll see. 

Today is just Sunday, and Linda feels that she can hopefully get mom eating and getting stronger. Home health ordered PT and OT for her, so if she can get stronger in just one week we'll be feeling better, But if she can't. Well. What are our options. 

Linda thinks we can get her in a short term rehab, but she may not want to do it. But she can't be alone.

I have the day off on Thursday. I'm going to a concert on Wednesday night in Anapolis, and Sara and I are booked into a hotel that night for a GIRLS DAAAAAY in Annapolis Thursday and some fun. 

Maybe it'll turn into her taking me to the airport for an 8pm flight?

It could all work out well.

But then after October 10th when Jess brings her home, what do we do with Shirl.

A couple weeks ago I told Doug there was a winter rental near Shirley from the beginning of October through the end of April. 

"I think you overestimate the amount of time you need to be up there." he said to me. 

Well, maybe I was right? 

But. 

It may have been too much for a whole winter. But...

I feel like we need to be there.

It's up in the air as of right now. Again, I'll say it again, I'm so thankful for her being there this week. But we may need some planning and organization around this. 

That said. I'm going to say something. It breaks my heart to say it. I'm thankful Phin died right now - I couldn't imagine us trying to juggle him and his needs, or me taking him up to Massachusetts with the car so he could be with me and keep my mom company. Actually I think about that and she may love having him there. He was such a good doobie. I could lift him into bed to sleep with me. He'd be confused about the new place but he traveled so well over the past few trips that he'd be okay. 

So.

More to come. 

I have no picture today, it is just not an interesting day.

digits

exercise:  11/12 hours of 250 steps.  Missed 1pm because I was playing a game on my phone and lost track of time. doh.

blood glucose:

10am: 155
6pm: 161
10pm: 194

food:

coffee, water
11am: metformin
12:30 Jonagold apple w/Peanut butter
6pm: oreo cookies
6:30pm: 2 sausages w/sauce and cheese
vodka tonic
9:30pm: metformin+jardiance (forgot to take at dinner oops)
more oreo cookies (sorry)

"Sentimental Bananas"

Today's title comes from Linda,  who was telling me about her grocery shopping trip for my mom. Before she went, she made a list of things mom wanted. Since she literally has all but totally stopped eating, Lin and some of mom's acquaintances are trying to get food into her, so they're shopping for things she likes. Even if they are baked, sugary yummies. She doesn't have the diabetes so, why not. Lemon pound cake, Dunkin' Donuts, etc. 

"Will you eat bananas?" asks Linda
"Yeah, I'll eat bananas," mom replies. 

Linda remembered that when we were there in July, there was a batch of bananas in the kitchen and my mom made Jess take them home. We asked her then if she liked bananas and she wrinkled her nose and said no. 

So Linda pondered that. "Maybe they were dad's bananas, and she didn't want them because it was a little triggering. Maybe they were sentimental bananas." 

I thought that was humorous. 

Today we are in the midst of a tropical storm that is moving up the coast and will be parking its ass to our east and spinning for days. The forecast is for rain now through next weekend as a result. Last night the storm brought the winds, and cold air, and it was rather chilly and uncomfortable. 

We wanted a weekend here to get stuff done in the yard. We need to clean the gutters and pull out trees and vines that have grown up in front of the house in the middle of the rhododendrons and azaleas. But that weekend is not today. 

Doug went into the bedroom this afternoon and started going through shit that he moved here with that was piled up on the floor beside his bed. He had all this stuff up at the other house too. And he had this stuff in Massachusetts.

Six years of that stuff here, in Maryland, on the side of his bed. Finally, he's going through shit. I should have taken before and after pictures.

I've done repeated organizational purges over the years so I don't have nearly as much shit. But I do have piles of shit that I can sort through. Except now he's napping in the bedroom.

He said he was looking for a black denim fleece-lined jacket that he wanted to bring last December on his road trip, and he just can't find it. 

I was slightly confused, I don't know what jacket he is referencing, to be honest. "You've got jackets. you have so many jackets. I have ONE jacket and a dress coat," I pointed out. He got mad and described it to me and he said he hasn't seen it for years and thought it would be in that pile of stuff.

The more I think about it, I actually believe the jacket he is talking about is in the basement in a box marked "Winter Clothing" which we haven't touched since moving. I'll see about us getting that looked into so he has it, since he really wantes it. But ... there are 9 heavy winter coats hanging in the hall closet, and I kind of wish he'd go through them, someday. 

Suffice to say, Doug's side of the room is amazingly clean right now, and now I feel guilty. I have the three boxes of stuff that I brought back from my office when I went down in 2021. Sitting on a table by my bedside. I have a pile of shit that needs sewn, and I did find my sewing kit recently, so I can fix things that need fixed. I should do that. 

In talking to Linda, she did the shopping for mom, and she's going to drink mimosas and clean the shower. Mom's friend Donna cleaned the bathroom floor and around the toilet. I had done that in July and I guess it was in extreme need to be done again. Glad to have that kind of help. 

Inspired by Doug's cleaning and Linda's cleaning, I hit our bathroom. And a little bit of the kitchen, and I tried to be quiet for him to rest. 

All told, it was a busy but inside day full of outdoor storms and rain. Tomorrow probably won't be any better, but we'll see what may come.

No picture today.

digits

exercise:  10/12 hours of 250 steps.  missed 9 and 10 because I was super asleep but I got all the rest of the hours.

blood glucose:

11am: 148
xpm: n/a because I didn't want to wake up Doug
9:30pm: 160

food:

coffee, water
noon: metformin
3pm: apple w/peanutbutter
6:30pm: cheeseburger on onion roll; metformin
8pm: bag of microwave popcorn; peanuts
vodka tonics

Thankful for Little Sisters Day

My sister has gone up to see Mom. She was planning a visit soon to go on up and help close some open circles and fill in some gaps. A neighbor of mom's called to let Lin know that mom fell, she happened to come over to check on her, and mom was on the floor in the living room between the couch and the coffee table, trying to get up. 

So the neighbor helped, and another friend had also stopped by to check on her, so they both spent time with her. 

She had a good cry. She deserves a good cry. 

Yesterday she had a doctor's appointment, and she's lost at least 5 pounds since July and weighs under 100 pounds. Her blood pressure is very low (90/52) and the doctor told her he thinks she is depressed. 

"I don't feel depressed." She told him. He said it's not a physical feeling. But you're depressed, so let's see if we can get you some help. Ordered a home health care aid to come take her blood pressure, make sure she's eating, etc.

Linda is going to follow up with the doctor, too. She also arranged for the "I've fallen and I can't get up" service that mom will need, that we should have set up already, but we were busy while we were there and exhausted after. They are coming to install on Tuesday while Lin is still there. 

I'm relieved she didn't break something, or bash her head on the coffee table. 

I feel badly - like, I feel I should go up, too. Looking at the calendar maybe I can go in a week? Linda is staying until next Friday. I could go up and then the following weekend we have the final stage of "goodbye dad fest" to go through, so we'll be with her then. Someone could in theory be with her through October 10th?

I think that the shine and attention of being the widow has worn off. No one is coming to visit, no one is spending time, she's alone and it is starting to all sink in now. This is real. The biggest life change she's had probably since well, she got married. Or had me.

To be determined, I guess. I just talked to Linda for an hour. Got all up to speed and know the haps. Doug's mom had a medical procedure today and his younger sister took her to the appointment. 

He said to me, "Thank God for our little sisters today." and I thought that was a wonderful sentiment. Indeed. Thank God for the little sisters.

Here's a picture of Pittsburgh and beer.

digits

exercise:  11/12 hours of 250 steps.  Missed 10am because of a meeting

blood glucose:

9am: 161
5pm: 144
11pm: 150

food:

coffee, water
11am: Metformin
12:45pm: BLT salad with a lot of B
6pm: Cheesesteak with onion and mushroom via Geoff. Ate it on the bun with potato chips
white wine
7:30pm: Metformin+Jardiance
8:30pm: shelled peanuts

12:45pm: BLT salad (with an excessive amount of bacon because doug didn't want any); romaine, tomatoes, bacon, mayo
3pm: a couple handfuls of trail mix (contains raisins)

What once was lost now is found

 I can't find my headphones so I'm in the guest room for meetings, so I don't disturb everyone in the rest of the living space of the house, or, they don't disturb me. Holding a meeting without my headphones I find I talk louder towards the computer (I talk loud anyway) and then someone's always in the kitchen banging around with food prep and stuff. So it is just better and easier to be away. 

In searching for the headphones, I found the blood glucose monitor. It was in a hidden compartment in my bag, with a shirt over it, somehow. I'm usually really good with packing, but this last trip felt like a mad dash to get out to Pittsburgh and I was a little discombobulated, I guess. 

I bet the headphones are in the car. Totally think they're in the car. 

They were in the car. Okay. Now I have my glucose monitor, my headphones, and my sanity. 

It was a busy day today with some work drama, and I didn't let any of it bother me or be pointed AT me, there was just .... drama. And where I and a couple other people felt we were doing the right thing to make things better it wasn't really what was wanted. 

Exhausting. 

My mom is not well. We think she's actively trying to kill herself by starving to death and a few of the folks around her have caught on to try and help. Linda and I are so far away, it is good to have these eyes on her. Linz is going up tomorrow to spend time up there and futz on her. 

Think about it. Your long term relationship ends because of death. You're lonely. You don't have anyone to yell at or fuss over. You .... just .... aren't sure what to do. You're depressed but tell the doctor "I don't feel depressed." But sometimes it isn't about how you "feel." 

I'm glad for Linda heading up there. I wish I was closer. 

In two weeks we'll head up to bury my dad. We still have some things to do and arrangements to solidify. Tonight I chatted with Jess who will be driving mom down to LI. We have our housing all set. Linda has made the arrangements for hte after party (the repast, the mercy meal) location. We just have a couple questions about where are we meeting up - at the Funeral Home and then processing, or just straight to the Cemetery and we hang out and boop around to our relatives' graves. The funeral home has been awesome. Very kind in their guidance. 

So yeah. That all is coming together. I do feel badly that I should be up in Massachusetts. I was thinking about when we moved here 5 years ago, this is the kind of thing that I was worried about.

And here we are.

Anyway. Not much else to talk about today. 

Here's a picture of my MIL pointing things out to Geoff in the Pittsburgh Skyline on Tuesday afternoon. 

digits

exercise:  11/12 hours of 250 steps. Missed 11am because I was teaching a class.

blood glucose:

9:30am: 155
4:30pm: 161
9:30pm: 165

food:

coffee, water
12:30pm: metformin; reheated pork strips from leftover chinese food last week
2pm: apple+peanutbutter
6:30pm: 1/2 a big huge piece of chicken parm (doug ate the other half)
8pm: metformin+jardiance
9:30pm: shelled peanuts (so messy)
white wine

Oldtown Maryland and Stuff

 It is 11pm Wednesday.  Doug picked me up around noon in the city after I walked 2 miles to get coffee (long story, but Pittsburgh doesn't have as many dunkin donuts as Boston, that's for damn sure!) 

The Guster show with the symphony was stupid awesome. Very low attendance though and that made me a little sad. But they were so good. So good. I love them. I can't stress that enough.

We got home around 8pm tonight, even though it is only about a 4-5 hour drive. We got off the highway in Cumberland and drove down to Oldtown, MD, where Doug wanted to go look at some history junk. One of his ancestors stayed there or lived there before coming to Beaver County, PA. It's on the C&O canal, so there was a lock house and some pretty vistas and such. Then it is all back roads to get out of there. We left Oldtown, drove into West Virginia, went through Berkley Springs (a place we've wanted to visit but today we just went through) and yeah. Lots of scenic vistas, pretty mountains, and road construction that had us sitting still for 20 minutes on a two lane road at one point. 

I was happy to get home.

The one big notable thing is I lost? or left? my blood glucose monitor either at my MIL's house or in the hotel in Pittsburgh so I guess I'll get a replacement. That said, ya girl don't know her readings. That's alright. I'll be fine. It's funny for something I make so much a part of my day and plan meals around (don't eat too close to the reading - let it go at least 2 hours between food and a reading... etc) I feel almost naked without doing it. 

I guess some people don't monitor their readings but I've been pretty faithful/religious/obsessed? for quite a while. Anyway. My digits will be a little different for a couple days I guess. 

Here's one picture. I took my friend Alex on a little tour around Pittsburgh today, I thought he'd like to go up the Duquesne Incline and boy did he ever. Had a sweet and lovely visit with him. It was a good time. 

More later. I'm wiped. Goodnight!

digits

exercise:  10/12 hours of 250 steps. hit 10k steps even though I missed 6 and 7pm. 2 mile walk from the hotel to coffee. Get your shit together pittsburgh! more coffee!

blood glucose:

n/a

food:

coffee, water, 2 beers
metformin and Wendy's at 1:15pm
Chipotle burrito bowl (steak, lettuce, tomato, guac, queso blanco) at 8pm
red wine.

Backroads and scenic routes

First, I am not sure who is looking at the blog lately but I'm getting 2000 views a day, at least. I'm used to 30. As Jerry Seinfeld says "who are these people!?" Leave a comment and say hi. 

But someone has repeatedly hit this old blog post from 2011 of a little poem I wrote that I had forgotten about. I'm glad they did, because it was nice to revisit crow and hawk. 

Back to regularly scheduled life. I'm completely stressed out. There's lots of stress here at the Casa Mamita. I just want to leave. I really just want to not be here. I feel like I just shouldn't be here. Geoff feels the same. 

In the midst of all the Mama Drama,  I got a call from Aaron. We haven't heard from him since April so that was a nice distraction while there was yelling and consternation happening in the house. Lots to catch up with on his end of the country. Lots of talk about parents. Lots going on. I asked him not to take so long to call me back. I call him and leave voicemails and he doesn't call back, so after my dad died, I just decided to give him all the sky he needs and he'd call me when ready. Today was the day.

I do have to say the weather here north of Pittsburgh is amazing. Sitting out on the patio is an absolute joy.  I'll just sit there and sleep there and stay there. 

We had a major ride on the struggle bus for a doctors appointment today. That was hard and difficult and anxiety ridden. And Doug is angry and frustrated. His sister is frustrated and exhausted. At the end of the day an appointment was made, but it is in a week and that is "too long a wait," and not what her doctor wanted, so someone has to call tomorrow at 8:30am and try to get it changed. I'm not sure who that person is.

Eventually, Doug threw us all in the car (including his mom) after everything was said and done, and we went for a ride to an orchard, and we had a lovely time. He wanted a fucking apple pie, but they didn't have any. Damnit. So we took some other back roads and stopped at another orchard, where they had cookies but no pie. His mom had a story or two about the family who own the farm, which was very very interseting. They had amazing tomatoes, so some tomatoes came home with us. And Geoff got cheesey poofs.

He took us all on back roads and byways, where there is no cel coverage or GPS. We got lost. We saw deer. We had to turn around because recent rains had washed a bridge out, and then double back to go another way. Doug's mom commented at how overgrown and wild everything has become in the area (very true), she hadn't driven around there in the longest time and was amazed at the overgrowth. We went by the other house to get the mail and Doug walked around to look at the yard. 

There are thoughts and feelings. I won't talk about them.

Then we got back home and there was more frustration and argument over dinner. I tried to help but felt in the way and like a nuisance, so I went and drank hard cider on the patio.

The Steelers are on now, and that's all that matters. This time tomorrow I'm with Guster friends, and we'll have a lovely time, and that's all that matters. Then home. I can't wait to go home.

Here, enjoy some pictures from our happy time out at the orchard. With no pie.

digits

exercise:  11/12 hours of 250 steps. missed 9 am because sleeping

blood glucose:

10am: 206
4pm: 211
9:30pm: 180

food:

coffee, water
1pm: metformin
4pm: protein shake
7pm: avocado w/chicken salad, small tomato and lettuce salad, scoop of peaches & blackberries; metformin+jardiance
8pm: handful of trailmix
hard cider

Out of sorts

Sometimes I don't do well when I travel and other times I am fine. Today I find myself in the middle. I know while I'm here at MIL's house, I won't have control of the food choices that I usually have at home. So far, so good. 

Skipped breakfast, didn't even have a protein shake when I woke up. I probably should have. 

We brought a bag of avocados with us because we knew would go super bad by the time we got back, so when we decided we were going to eat lunch, I had an avocado and scooped two generous spoonfuls of chicken salad into them. And two baby dill pickles. And a scoop of black bean salad. Reading the labels there is a lot of added sugar in the chicken salad (honestly, how do you get 9 grams of carbs into chicken salad). And the black bean salad was 14 grams of carbs but that is cut by 6 grams of fiber and a lot of protein, so I felt okay eating that. 

I was offered bagels, english muffins, brioche rolls for my chicken salad, oat nut bread toast. No thank you. I mean yes, I'd love all of those things. 

We got to talking about omelets (why didn't we make them? why did we jump straight to sandwiches?) and I think tomorrow morning we'll do eggs or something. I think she has some baby spinach and we can dice up some more avocado, and have a good brekkie. Maybe there is some cheese. I don't know. 

There's never an actual plan when we are here which also adds to the uncertainty about food. At home, I know I'll eat between 10 and noon, I'll have a snack at 2? Dinner between 5 and 7? And we know what we're eating because the Eagle Scout does our meal planning. 

Here it is all: When are we eating what are we eating should we eat in should we go out should we call Doug's Sister and have her come over. Oh she's not sure she has time. Oh okay. 

So.... it goes on. 

I was even very confused about what day it is. I have several friends who are posting pictures from sportsball games, and well.... Saturday games? That's not a thing this early in the season? oh but. 

Chris. It's Sunday. 

So we had a nice lunch and Doug started watching football and I'm thinking of schlepping the bead shit out to make more bracelets and just sit at the kitchen table so no one fusses at me, but there will still be fussing. I don't like fussing. I like just doing and happening. 

Doug's sister, her husband, and their son came by. There were hours of combing through old photos, for people to decide what they want to take. 

We had a great pizza dinner and fellowship, we had a lot of fun and D and I talked until 10:30 when I finally reminded her that tomorrow is Monday. She should go because she has to work.

Tomorrow, I get more caffeine.

Here's a picture of food. I quite liked my lunch and how it looked. Very cute.

digits

exercise:  11/12 hours of 250 steps. missed 9 am because sleeping

blood glucose:

10:30am: 188
4:30pm: 171
10:30pm: 259

food:

coffee, water
noon: 1 avocado sliced in half, filled with 2 scoops of chicken salad, bean salad, 2 baby kosher dill pickles. Metformin
a couple handfuls of trail mix. a few tomatoes.
7:30pm: a bunch of pizza
8pm: metformin+jardiance
beer
10:30pm: protein shake

In the homeland

 We made it to Doug's mom's place at 5pm tonight, took a little more than 4.5 hours to get here, which is so much better than all the years it took us 12 plus to get from Boston to Pittsburgh. One of the major benefits of being in DC. 

Without much debate upon arrival (and there is usually an amazing amount of debate) we went to eat at a little local mexican restaurant. I ordered a burrito with chicken, but it was so bland, sad really. It was shredded chicken, but not seasoned at all, almost like it was a boiled chicken breast ripped apart with a fork. I put some hot sauce on it but it was ... too hot. Well, I was committed to eating and struggled through it. That was agony, and I was sweating through the meal. Thank God for Beer.

Anyway. We're here. More to come. I brought beads for making bracelets for Tuesday and I am sure that they are going to cause a kerfuffle. Sure of it. 

No picture, due to the road trip. But I'm sure I'll have something tomorrow. 

 

digits

exercise:  10/12 hours of 250 steps. Missed 2 hours being on the road

blood glucose:

10am: 177
xpm: no afternoon reading, in the car traveling
10pm: 202

food:

coffee, water
11am: pbj sammitch; metformin
5:30pm: chicken burrito w/small salad; 2 beers; chips & salsa
7pm: metformin+jardiance
8:30pm: couple handfuls of Trail Mix (with raisins, peanuts, etc)

Zombieland

I have needed to run to the post office to ship some boxes out to people leaving for concerts. A couple people in the Guster fandom, and someone in the Frank Turner fandom. 

The fact is, I can't get out of my own way sometimes. I had all the bracelets ready and done, epoxy on the knots, everything perfect, last weekend. Okay, so Monday, I'll go to the post office. 

Okay no, Tuesday. Tuesday I'll go. 

But oh no my dog. Had a seizure. Or whatever that was. Okay. No. Can't leave the house. Can't do a thing. Okay. Not Tuesday.

I asked Geoff to go to the post office and he looked at me blankly, remember the fact I've confessed here that I never taught him how to Post Office. He has no idea. I want to take him with me, and teach him how to Post Office. So no okay. You do a lot. Thank you. Jesus tapdancing Christ himself I have to do this. 

Wednesday. Well. You know what happened Wednesday. 

I successfully managed to get myself to the post office yesterday. I paid through the nose for the one box to go overnight. The others will get to the houses late, after the people deserved the bracelets to go to a show. 

And now I make more bracelets to take to Pittsburgh. 

I should have made bracelets tonight, but I talked to friends on FB messenger, I vacuumed, I sat quietly in the house listening for the sound of toenails on hardwood. Expecting a little friend to come around the corner. 

The past couple days we've wandered around the house, empty and lonely. There is no one to pick up the bacon I dropped on the floor. No one begging off my turkey sandwich. No one to lick clean the bowl from the tuna salad. No joy at 5pm when it is Phinnertime. I feel like this is zombieland, zombieville, zombopolis. So vacant, so empty, so alone.

This stops hurting eventually, I know. It did with every dog that has gone before. I can feel bad for a little while. Doug is sour. He's very sad. I don't want him to jump online and start looking for another dog, but here I am looking at the things my friends repost on FB about dogs for adoption thinking "he looks nice." 

We're going to Pittsburgh tomorrow, to see Doug's mom and have a visit. It feels weird to not have my dog on the trip, on the ride. He was a good passenger. And he loved going places. 

Anyway. Meh. Here's a picture from beer last night. We went to the little brewery next town over and had dinner from the food truck, and petted a LOT of dogs. Brewery dogs are nice. 

digits

exercise:  11/12 hours of 250 steps. Missed 9am. I'm on a vacation day

blood glucose:

10am: 188
5pm: 130
10pm:  153

food:

coffee, water, iced tea
11:30am: Tuna salad w/ tomatoes and lettuce in a big bowl mixed with mayo; Metformin
7pm: metformin+jardiance
7:15: bowl of pasta w/ ground sausage and pasta sauce (small bowl, not a lot)
pretzels
white wine

Pooch Life

Phineas. Phinny. Phin. Phinzer Yinzer. Phinzies. Phinelope. Phinley. Phinner. Bean. Little Monster. 

Aside from Bean and Little Monster I probably won't be uttering those names again in my life. There are no other Phineases or Phins anywhere in my future. Only in my past. We will speak lovingly and adoringly of him, I'm sure. 

I said something this morning about how I dropped bacon on the floor and there was no little monster to clean up after me. Doug took offense at me calling him a little monster. "I have no regrets!" he says. "He was nothing but the best companion."

Yeah, except when always trying to kill me in the kitchen. Dude was a beast in the kitchen. I would lose my mind and yell at him. He was small enough that he'd sneak behind me, I'd turn around and trip over him. 

Repeatedly.

I got to the point where I'd look behind me before turning. I got it down to an art. He was always underfoot. He understood "get out" if you pointed to the door, and he'd leave, but he'd circle around and come in the kitchen through the other door. 

Goddamn, you are a sneaky pete. 

The past couple months were hard, and got harder because of his arthritis, but I did love that he loved sleeping in the guest room. We kept the shade up in there so he could look out the window. He'd just jump up there and put himself to bed some nights. Other nights he'd pace between the bedrooms and the living room if one of us was still up watching TV. 

When I did my steps everyday in the house, he would follow me. He'd be asleep on the couch, and I'd get up to move around. And he'd shadow me. I'd say "oh Phinny are you getting your steps in!" Because we had stopped taking him for long walks, or any walks really, as he got more arthritic. So happy we had the fenced in yard, because we could just open the door, and let him out, and he'd enjoy the outside. 

He would bark to let us know he wanted in. "Hey. Hey. ..... Hey." 

I'm missing him tonight. I'll miss him for a long time. I feel like it is a no bones night. 

Here's a fave pic from the porch at C's house, the porch we love. He loved it. And we love porch life. Pooch life on the porch. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours of 250 steps. 

blood glucose:

8am: 190
4pm: 202
11pm: 161 

food:

coffee, water, iced tea
11am: BLT salad
noon: metformin
2pm: grilled cheese sandwich, 3 slices of american cheese, 3 slices of tomato, 2 slices of 647 bread
5:30pm: 3 beers, a shrimp & veggie quesadilla
7pm: Metformin+Jardiance
10pm: protein shake

Phin and Pham

 The other day I let my manager know things were going on with Phineas, and he wished us luck, told us to take all the time we needed, and sent best wishes to Phin and Pham. 

That made me smile. 

Last night at about 9pm, Phin passed away on the living room floor. Around 1pm he started yelling. And he would only stop if I was petting him. I did my meetings from the floor, with him against my leg, head in my lap. If I needed to type, he'd lift his head and yell. If I got up to go to the bathroom, he'd yell. It wasn't howling or barking or whining. It was yelling. It was kind of weird. Not the normal sound this dog ever made. He wasn't a whiner or whimperer. He would yell if we put him in the kennel and this was kind of the same, loud and demanding.

I was happy to give him all the pats he needed, all the reassurances. And ride it out. I would have taken him in yesterday if Doug wasn't at work. I didn't want to take him in alone, I wanted Doug to be there. "Hi, just so you know, I took Phin to the vet and put him to sleep. Sorry you couldn't be there. I suck." 

I realized during the day that he could not see. I would go to pat him, or put the water dish under his nose and he'd be surprised. He'd stick his nose in the bowl of water and blow bubbles but not drink. Okay buddy. The thirstiest dog in the world, is not drinking. We've turned a corner.

Around 3pm I called the vet and they said that they didn't think that he had a seizure after all, that he most likely had a stroke. If he wasn't getting better, was disinterested in food and water, couldn't stand, there really wasn't any coming back from this. Just keep him comfy tonight, and bring him in tomorrow (today). Without an MRI and tons of expensive tests, we can't know for sure, but. The vet we'd been working with wasn't in yesterday but they had all her notes. I was happy to go in when she was working, on Thursday, and have her with us. 

Ride it out.

Doug got home from work at 7. I had ordered chinese food (and ate an unbelievable amount of it), and I tried to nap, since I had 3 hours of sleep the night before. I figured I'd be with him in the living room overnight, and if he was going to yell all night, I wasn't going to sleep. 

At around 8, he was really yelly, and I wasn't napping, so I came out to see Doug on the floor holding him. When I started touching him and talking to him he stopped screaming. Doug said that he must have wanted me. I told Doug I thought we needed to go to the emergency vet. He wasn't going to make it through the night like this. It wasn't fair, whatever it was. And Doug sat up to get his shoes on.

We got a little water into him, and I was so happy to see him drink. I took him outside to try and pee, because I figured he may want to. But he was rubber. Just flopped down, like the no bones dog Noodle. 

It's a no bones kind of night, buddy. Predicting our mood, just like Noodle. So I picked him up to bring him inside and we got in the front door, he puked the water up, so I set him down right inside the door. Doug got a towel to clean up the water, and he went rigid, and started to breathe hard and fast. 

"He's going," Doug said. "This is just what Gonzo did. This is it." So Doug stepped over, and put his hands on him, and encouraged him that we were there, it was okay.  I called Geoff upstairs, I wanted him to be there if he wanted. So he came up. We all told him what a good boy he was. 

It took about 15 minutes, but, he breathed his last. 

I'm just going to post this now - as it was yesterday's entry to begin with. I will have an official post for today coming up. 

Thank you Phineas, for being the weirdo we needed in our lives.

digits below

digits

exercise: 11/12 hours of 250 steps. (missed 8pm because we were dealing with actively dying dog)

blood glucose:

9am: 180
4:45pm: 141
11pm: 364 *** (note, forgot to take the dinner time metformin+jardiance...)

food:

coffee, water, iced tea
10:30am pbj sandwich on 647 white bread
11:30am: Metformin
7pm: chinese food - general gao's chicken, mongolian beef, shrimp curry, combo fried rice, 3 pan fried dumplings, one egg roll
11pm: metformin+jardiance

Seizure

Ooooooh. Some trauma and drama today. 

Slight skip back to August to preface. While I was in Maine and up seeing mom, Doug told me Phineas had a seizure one night. It was a rough one, we'd not seen him have something like this before. Doug held him and patted him, kept him still and safe until he fell asleep. The next day he was groggy and confused, but seemingly alright. Since then, he's done some weird things like walk into our bedroom closet (twice) and get stuck because he's confused. He walks into corners. He likes to go to the front door, and instead of standing where the door opens, he goes to the hinge side, presses his nose against the corner, and waits. 

Dude come over here.

Nope. I'm hoping this side opens.

But no - look, it opens over here. 

Door opening on me? Nope. I'm. not moving. 

Wash, rinse, repeat. 

I was on a client call at 11:30am today with my ride or die buddy from the product team. He's a dog guy. The woman we met with has a cattle dog, he's 18. And she loves him. He is in pretty good health, but can't jump in bed so nightly she lifts him up and has a dog bed on her bed that is water proof (a good thing) and she just loves on him. She isn't sure he'll make it to the end of the year.  

We spent the first 10 minutes talking about our old dogs. We started talking about work stuff and Phineas, who was asleep on the floor in front of the TV table, on the hardwood, sat up and started making some faces like he was going to sneeze. Then he started spitting all over. I turned my camera and mic off, and Doug had just come upstairs. 

I messaged my buddy that I had to leave the meeting and why - thanked him for covering for me, and shut my laptop to close the meeting.

The seizure was well underway. He flailed backwards into the table, tried to stand up but couldn't gain footing on the hardwood. I had been thinking of getting a runner for the hall and kitchen to help him out because he has been having difficulty even on his best days. 

Doug grabbed him and pulled him over away from the furniture so he wouldn't hit his head again. 

"This is what happened last month, just hold him and ride it out." 

We did. After a while, Doug had a meeting so he went downstairs, and I sat on the floor with Phin, his Cinncinati Reds blanket, and the stuffed sloth that he came to us with. He was drooling and whimpering, breathing hard and fast like a horse ridden at top speed across the mountains for hours and hours. 

He managed eventually to walk around, and we went outside, he peed and laid under the bush out front while I took a meeting. It was nice on the porch, not too incredibly hot, and he seemed to be happy and comfortable out there. 

I was happy to see him stand up and try to take the stairs. Luckily I'd put Brodie's old harness on him before he went out so he'd be easy to move around. I'm glad he had it on because he turfed a bit, and I was able to get him upright easily. 

He wandered around a bit, I moved the coffee table so he'd have more rug and fewer obstacles. He made it to the guest room and laid down on the rug. I decided I'd do my call in there, and Doug picked him up and put him in the bed next to me. 

For about an hour, he just kind of chilled, didn't sleep but was calm and content. And then it all kind of started again. He puked in the bed, he went rigid and stiff, I got him off the bed and into the living room where he just stood in the middle of the room like a statue for a few minutes. I stripped the bed and Doug and I stood and looked at him, and then I called the vet. 

Thing is, we started him on a new medication yesterday for the Cushings. Seizures are not a side effect but puking, weakness, lethargy all are. 

Doug felt the seizure in August isn't related to anything but now maybe it possibly is, if it is a pituitary Cushings and not adrenal. 

But his symptoms to this point have all been adrenal (thirst, panting, peeing). The vet called me at 7pm and said to stop the Cushings meds, monitor him for the next couple days. We were supposed to go to Pittsburgh on Friday but I think now we are going Saturday. Maybe Sunday. I don't know. It all depends on if the bean can rebound. 

He has been on the floor for the past couple hours, just kind of like a lump. He hasn't eaten, or had water. I tried to get him outside at about 10pm but he didn't want to go, and Doug said he didn't need to go because he hasn't had any water, so there is no pee since I got him out last at 6pm.

I may be sleeping on the couch, not sure. Geoff is watching TV and we are in the middle of a giant thunderstorm right now, so I am not ready for sleeps.

Anyway. I took some pictures today of Phin. Here they are. 

Doug's calming hand with him while he was unsettled after the seizure.
What a good dog dad he is.

Phineas after the seizure when I was hanging with him... a very sad bean.

Doug put him in the bed to be with me while I did a call. 
this was very nice, until Phin puked all over the bed/sheets/everything.
But for a solid hour - this was very nice.

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours of 250 steps.

blood glucose:

8:30am: 168
6pm: 130
11pm: 143

food:

coffee, water 
8:45am: slice of zucchini bread w/butter
12:45pm: cup of 2 good yogurt with the last of the granola (maybe a 1/3 cup?) 
1:15pm: metformin
6pm: ham and broccoli
7pm: metformin+jardiance
9pm: bowl of hummus w/pretzels

Red Onion

Everyone has a food they like that others do not. In our household, I'm a huge fan of red onions. No one else is. I want to put them in tuna salad, little mediterranean salads, on hot dogs, all over. Doug wrinkles his nose. "they have too strong a flavor." Yeah dude, that's why I love them. 

Today, I was working a problem and he made lunch but didn't make me any (pfth, rude). I got freed from my nonsense and went to the kitchen to realize I was on my own. 

Awesome.

One can of tuna, several pieces of diced up red onion, mayo, black pepper. Mix that up and let it sit. Then grill your grilled cheese sammitch. Or, make a quesadilla. Smack that tuna on there after the cheese is melted (hot tuna salad is weird). Nom nom nom that nom, baby. 

But no one in my family likes red onion. Geoff brings one home from the market for me, and I use it for things I make for just me, like today's tuna. And I love it.

There wasn't much going on today aside from work. 

Last night I couldn't fall asleep so I sat in the living room making bracelets that I should have shipped today to a friend going to Frank Turner's Lost Evenings fest. I also made Guster bracelets to mail to a friend in Chicago, and I want to have a ton of them to bring with me for Pittsburgh. 

Today in between work things I tried to get some personal things done.

I made a phone call to solidify the day/date of dad's funeral with the funeral home. Linda is still working on the location for the after party. No one is returning her emails, and the voicemail box is full. My friend Mike is connecting us with a bag piper.

How do people run a business if they do not clean their voicemail? Geoff ran into this too with a guy he was trying to set up an interview with - the dude's voicemail was perpetually full. I asked if he had the guy's email, maybe that'd be easier. He said he'd emailed him. No reply. They eventually got their connection made, and Geoff had a phone interview last week and an in person interview for tomorrow. 

This afternoon he went to the gym and picked up Phineas' medication for Cushings. We started him on it today and in 2 weeks he has to go back for a day of testing to see how the meds are working. We delayed getting him started by a week so we didn't have to worry about Geoff taking him while we're in Pittsburgh. 

I ran out of a bunch of letters for bracelets, and wanted to go up to the craft store but even though they're open until 9pm I just could not get out of my own way today. Gotta go to the post office, and Geoff won't be around to run errands for me tomorrow since he's got the in person interview, so yeah. I gotta do the things. 

I realize I like going places if I am a passenger. I just hate driving around here, and prefer everyone to just do my bidding and bring me things and run my errands. 

Plus, I'm out of wine so, gotta make the trip out tomorrow. 

Well, it's late again already. Here is a picture of Phineas not using his dog bed to the fullest last night. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours of 250 steps.

blood glucose:

9:30am: 144
5:45pm: 130
10:30pm: 177

food:

coffee, water 
noon: tuna melt; 2 pieces of 647 bread, tuna, mayo, red onion, grilled. 
1:30: Metformin
6pm: 2 bowls of pot roast, no potatoes, yes carrots
7:30pm: metformin+jardiance
red wine

Sportsball Time

I had a difficult night's sleep, my stomach was bothering me (probably from all the stupid non-meal things I ate all night). Phin woke me up at 6, and I let him out, stood outside and noticed how dark it still was. Ah yes, this time of year. Where it's ... stupid. 

I managed to fall back asleep around 8, and Phin woke me up again at 10 - frantic. So I let him out, and noticed the car was gone. I texted Doug, he was at the market. 

He came home with .... tons of food, wings for the grill, snacks. So many snacks. 

Ah yes, this time of year. It is football season. 

So this is a clear indication we're not going anywhere/doing anything today. The Sportsball Time. I actually am not as excited as I usually am. We don't get to see the games we want to see, we get the Washington Team (I guess they have a name now) and nothing on another channel due to blackout. It's boring. I'm bored. 

Instead of being annoyed that I don't get to watch the football I want, I just went and laid down on the bed and charged my phone. 

Today was a crummy day weather-wise until about 7pm. It was too late to go out anywhere, Doug was napping (you get up early to go shopping, you deserve a nap) and I had not showered. We watched sportsball, and that was about it. 

Thankfully Doug did the cooking today. He seemed to be in the mood to do it. He also got some nice pot roast makings for tomorrow, so I won't have to cook again (and I kind of don't want to. I'm sick of all food, to be honest).

So yeah. Another dud of a day, I guess ... Well...

Somewhat salvaged by me making bracelets that I have to go to the post office and ship tomorrow if they'll make it to people in time for things. And for me getting a GIANT zucchini out of the garden and grating it for 2 zucchini breads. I didn't pick through and remove the seeds or anything. 

Starting a baking project at 9pm is a little silly, if you ask me but it is terribly on brand for me. Terribly on brand. I just finished taking them out of the pans, letting them cool, and cleaning the counter top so tomorrow I don't go out there and say "who the fuck made this mess last night!" I'm responsible.

I'm kind of tempted to bake cookies next just to get the last of the jar of sub-brand Peanut Butter out of my life. But no. Maybe I'll squeeze that between meetings tomorrow. It's late, damn it.

Please note, I did not eat any of this. I .... restrained myself.

digits

exercise: 11/12 hours of 250 steps. Almost had 9am but didn't wake up in time.

blood glucose:

10am: 163
5:30pm: 173
10:30pm: 170

food:

coffee, water 
11am: metformin
12:30pm: last of the chicken salad, about 1/2 cup
1:30pm: 6 full grilled wings, with some sort of buffalo sauce; 3 large celery sticks, bleu cheese
3-4pm: several cubes of watermelon (from slicing to put everything away)
6:30pm: 2 italian sausages baked in sauce & cheese; 2 slices of 647 italian bread with butter
7pm: metformin+jardiance

thanks, weather

Today was a waste. 

I slept in, per my usual for a Saturday morning, and was up a little after 10. Doug went to the farmer's market alone because I was literally hardly awake. Linda wanted to chat, so I got on the phone with her, and my headphones, and did some tidying up and dishes while we chatted for 90 minutes, I think. 

Doug and I talked about going somewhere and he picked a brewery kind of far to our Northeast that we had not been to yet. I took a shower, we got ready. 

And the sky told us to rethink our plans. It's been weird weather 'round here. I'm glad we didn't leave.

Things have been unsettled the past couple days, weather-wise. Last night it started to thunder and lighting around 8pm and just kept going. We had a brief period of pouring rain, but all told, it was just a light show with an auditory accompaniment that was super impressive. 

I fell asleep at around 1am, and both Doug and I woke up at 4 ish, with more storms rocking out. I went outside with Phin at like 5, and it was just amazing, all around us. And no rain. This morning was bright and clear, and actually cool so we were faked out. Until the storms started coming back hard around 2pm. 

So today turned into hanging around, playing games on the phone, goofing off. And I talked to my cousin John for the first time since July and that was ... a lot.

We didn't have anything really for dinner, so it was leftovers night, I didn't really want anything. I wanted to order chinese food but by the time I got off the phone with John it was late. So. I grazed on some pasta and had 2 pbj sandwiches. 

and a lot of wine?

I hope we do something fun tomorrow. Today was burned, and that makes me sad. 

digits

exercise: 11/12 hours of 250 steps. slept through 9am, per usual. weekend vibes baby!

blood glucose:

10:30am: 178
4pm: 175
11pm: 178

food:

coffee, water 
1:30pm: metformin; 3 spicy chicken thighs whipped up into chicken salad
7pm: bowl of baked ziti left over
8pm: metformin+jardiance
8pm: entire bag of cub scout popcorn (probably 90 g carbs)
red wine
8:45pm: pbj sammitch on 647 bread
9pm: pbj sammitch on 647 bread (this is what happens when you don't have an actual dinner)

Checking Balances

Today I went and looked in at the bank statement. I was surprised at how little money we have. Ooops.

At one point during the pandemic, we had (what I think was) a lot of money. Doug has been putting money into his eTrade account, wheelin' and dealin' with da stocks and da mahkets. Okay fine, that's good. Make me some money, babe.

We had a zero balance on our credit card, with 22k available credit. 

We were only spending money if it was coming out of our checking account, not using the credit card. We weren't going out to eat, we weren't traveling, hell we did nothing at all for 2 years or more.

But ... the spending creep returned in the form of us going out maybe once a week. And then concerts, travel, plane tickets, hotels, all by me. (Pretty much all by me). 

This summer, I switched to using the credit card more often. A couple of reasons. One, to get points on the card so we can maybe get some free fun, maybe. Two, well, I didn't want to totally kill our checking account, which we now are mostly only using for groceries, trips to the beer store, and the occasional night out. 

And when we were in Massachusetts, staying 8 days at a hotel, paying for 2 rooms (linda in one, us in the other), paying for 2 parties for after the funeral and the day after ...  I mean, it sort of starts to rack up, doesn't it?

Time to tighten the belt and get back some of the cash in the coffer and pay down that creeping debt. 

I also realized I make what I think is a lot of money, but, we changed my 401k/retirement withholdings to 22% this year so we could get more money in the account faster. So I am bringing home less in hopes that when I'm 70 I can have money coming in. Catch-22! 

After October, after dad's 2nd service (Bart Funeral 2: Electric Bartaloo) I don't see a lot of travel coming up. I think my last Guster concert of the year is next week in Pittsburgh. Unless they announce a show super local to DC, I'm not traveling. 

There are a couple shows Doug has expressed interest in (Slaid Cleaves & Robbie Fulks, Buddy Guy) but they are local. Annapolis, Baltimore, DC. Nothing like going to Pittsburgh, or Florida, or Maine. 

Things can rebound by the end of the year. Pretty sure I can pay off the credit card in full again. 

I also checked my PTO balance. I have one floating holiday, 5 hours of personal time, and 90 hours vacation. That's not a lot. Usually this time of year I'm scrambling to schedule time off so I don't lose the hours, since only X amount of hours roll into the next year. This year is not going to be a problem. I'll end the year with more in the bucket, since I'm still accruing the hours. But it isn't a lot. 

I think taking time off actually makes me hate work. That's exhausting. Being away from work and truly away from work makes me resent work. That's a lesson I learned this year from actually not working at all during my time out of office. And I won't call it vacation, some of it was decidedly not vacation.

I didn't used to be this way. I used to love my job.

There was a meeting yesterday that I attended, and one of the attendees didn't know what team necessarily that I'm on, nor my manager for that matter. Someone asked about "after care" support, and this guy started going on and on... about how wonderful the support is. He had nothing but good things to say about "them." Meaning me, and my colleagues. It surprised me. I was kind of ready to be defensive and protective of my people, mention how few of us there are to how many of them there are. 

But I stopped feeling like I hate my job. For a minute. 

To hear someone talk about "them" in such a way, I kind of just let it come into my ears, and eventually my heart. He was assuring the other client that his experience with us over the years (and I don't really know him well, to be honest) has been largely so positive, he wished that other businesses had such great customer service. 

It's nice to get this out of the blue unsolicited praise.

In other news, tonight I made some bracelets for a Frank Turner fan who saw my Guster bracelets on Facebook. I have 6 and may make a couple more. I told her I'd make them back in August, and here we are, me doing late night bracelet making. Just like old times. 

I made:
4 simple words
FTxHC
photosynthesis
poz songs 4 neg ppl
be more kind
love ire song

I am tired, so I am headed to bed. I think tomorrow I'll make I still believe, little changes, LE VI (Lost Evenings 6, the 4 day fest in LA later in September that she's going to) and maybe a couple more FTxHC

There are guster fans that I'm seeing in 2 weeks who wanted some bracelets so I'm going to get back on my grind and build those out for the Pittsburgh shows. 

I've had to dip into the square letter beads, and I have a whole bag of black square letter beads that someone gave me at On The Ocean (she was so sweet to think of me and buy them). I am not a big fan of the square beads but they work well with the big "pony" beads like the black FTxHC one there. The tiny beads look good with the circle letters. I like those a lot. 

I felt relaxed and quiet, sitting here with a big thunderstorm (lots of thunder and lightning, no rain, so weird) drinking wine and making things. Very calming. 

Maybe that's why I've been such a mess for a week or so - I'm not doing something small, stupid, but creative. Hmmm.

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours of 250 steps

blood glucose:

9am: 180
4:15pm: 176
11pm: 173

food:

coffee, water 
noon: toasted 647 bread (2 pieces) w/giant slice of tomato, 2 slices of colby jack, sliced turkey, mayo; metformin
6pm: baked ziti with meat sauce
7pm: metformin+jardiance
8pm: 2 chocolate chip cookies
white wine

Ennui

 ugh. i feel tired and shitty. Probably has something to do with bad food choices, especially at night, before bed. 

I'd been doing well with food, and I know I have to go in for a follow up blood draw appointment, since ... July. The week my dad died. 

Bracing myself for a bad A1c and other blood work. I've had a couple days recently with my numbers in the 130/140 range, but also numbers over 200. 

There is added complication in that we have not a lot I can eat in house right now that isn't low carb. Geoff bought one loaf of 647 bread and a loaf of sourdough but Doug and Geoff both inhaled the 647 bread for some reason. Each slice of sourdough has 37 grams of carbs, so, even if I have one slice, that is more carbs than I try to have in a whole day. 

But that doesn't stop me from going ahead and having a bowl of mac&cheese for lunch today, my little mental gymnastics justifies it because he put hamburger in it, so yay. Protein! I lie to myself. Hilarious.

Overall, I'm just lacking any sort of energy or interest. In anything, to be honest. I thought I'd call out sick today, or, at least call out to 3pm when there's a meeting I need to go to. But there are things. Many things. And my attention was needed. I got through the day. 

In other news, the NFL season kicks off (hahaha pun intended) tonight. Not really interested in the Lions and I think KC is going to trounce them so it's not exactly a game that holds my interest. I have to make bracelets for people I promised them to, just have to get all my boxes of dumb beads and letters pulled together and get started. Maybe this weekend. 

Sorry to be less than thrilling. Let's aim for more fun tomorrow. Maybe?

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours of 250 steps

blood glucose:

9am: 165
5pm: 168
9:30pm: 182

food:

coffee, water 
11:15: bowl of mac&cheese; metformin
12:15: the rest of the mac&cheese from the pot
6:30pm: 2 pieces of chicken thighs marinaded in soy sauce, ginger, garlic, sesame oil, scallions, splash of oj; broccoli
7pm: metformin+jardiance; vanilla ice cream w/ a whole sliced ripe peach
7:30pm: ramekin of trail mix
White wine
10pm: chocolate chip cookies a la Geoff.

Debloused

Man. it is hot out. it was like 100 degrees today and I'm not joking. It was hot right from early, I let Phineas out at 5 and thought "holy crap, it's this hot at 5 am, it's just going to be brutal." 

Around 10am, I opened the door to let him out again, and my shirt got stuck on the little doohickey in the screen door that makes it so the door doesn't slam. I'm sure it has a for real name, but you know what it is. You know what I'm talking about. 

It was the back of my blouse, and I was kind of trapped, standing there on the porch, stuck. Phineas was off doing his doggie things, and I just .... was stuck. 

The front door being opened and me air conditioning all of Maryland, I had to figure out a plan. Geoff couldn't hear me call for assistance, so. 

I dropped down, slipped out of my blouse, and was shirtless on the porch. It was well after the school buses were gone and no one was at the neighbors across the street. 

Ducking back into the house, I went and got my t-shirt off the bathroom floor, returned and rescued my blouse from its stuckness. And Phineas came up the steps to come inside. 

And if I didn't tell you here that it happened, no one would ever ever have known. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours of 250 steps

blood glucose:

8am: 192
5pm: 155
11pm: 178

food:

coffee, water 
8:15: protein shake
11am: metformin
noon: blt salad
2pm: yogurt; 3 pieces of left over bacon
7pm: metformin+jardiance
7:30pm: 2 hotdogs, one roll, chili, cheese
8:30pm: trail mix

Cushing's Disease Confirmed

We talked to our vet today and it is confirmed, Phin has Cushing's, so we are going to start him on medication. We opted not to dig in deeper and investigate for a lot of reasons. If it is adrenal, I don't want to have him go through surgery again. He's going to be 13 next month, so I'm just kind of like, it's not fair to him to put him through something like that. The spleen was a different story. That guy had to go. 

This can be managed through medication, and we're happy to do just that. Phin gets 3 pills a day as is, we'll just add more to the routine, and then we'll monitor him. 

My vet went through this with her older dog, and did the same thing. No surgery, yes medication. She said that she maxed out his meds, and he started peeing in the house again, and she and her husband did everything they could for him. She said that we should just listen to him when he is communicating. He'll tell us he needs to pee, follow his cues even if it is every 10 minutes. Limit night water (we do) and just generally see how long we can take him on this journey. She got 18 months, I'll be happy for a year, to be honest. And every day is a blessing to have him around. I like him. 

It is nice to work with her, and have her common sense approach. It's a blessing to have her in our lives. We have always had really good vets. I've only had one where I thought this is NOT the guy for us, and he retired 4 weeks after our first visit with his practice, and he sold the place to a very young and very wonderful woman. 

Anyway. Old bean will go on meds, and 10-14 days later, we take him back for some more blood work to see how the meds are working. If they are working too good it'll swing the other way and he'll get Addison's symptoms. Not good enough and we won't see improvement. So we'll monitor and balance, and get him just right. 

When we adopted a senior dog, I knew it wouldn't be a super long time that we'd have with him so I'm hoping for a good rest of his run. I've been thinking of emailing his former momma, it's been a while. I'll do that this week.

Today was a hella busy work day, I have a lot to do and a lot of people to follow up with, but right now, bed! No picture but those digits are below. 

digits

exercise: 12/12 hours of 250 steps

blood glucose:

9am: 160
4:45pm: 158
10pm: 138

food:

coffee, water 
9:30am: cherry 2good yogurt w/ half cup of granola
11:15: ramekin of mac & cheese with bacon; metformin
2:45pm: protein shake
5:15: left over bit of potato salad w/bacon (no ragrets)
6:30pm: pork loin in a marinade by Geoff, green beans; metformin+jardiance
10pm: triscuits+peanut butter

A Day Burned

Earlier today, Doug said he wanted for us to go to Fort Washington for a walk, and then stop and get seafood at Captain White's on the way home. Sounded good to me so I jumped in the shower. 

When I got out, all dressed and ready, he let me know the Fort was closed but the park was open, and that Captain White's was closed. 

Labor Day Monday, and we find ourselves seeing places actually observing the day that are, well, places where people labor! I am all for it, but, sadly, it left us with no plans. The more we looked into things, the more places were closed today. It being a Monday, the breweries around us are all closed on Mondays for the most part. Down in DC, a couple places were open but Doug didn't want to schlep into town. 

It got blazingly hot out, yesterday was hot but today is something else, something special. Hot! Part of me would like a nice walk on the canal or something, but no. Not in this heat. 

I went into the bedroom to fold laundry (neglected and cursed task that it is) and Doug read for a while, and took a nap. I played games on my phone. Geoff went to the market, got some stuff for a marinade for pork to grill up tomorrow or Wednesday. And there it is. The day is done. 

Doug did end up taking a short walk before dinner to try and salvage the day. I tried sitting outside, there was a breeze but then bugs were all in my face trying to get in my eyeballs. I thought of the horses, and how this kind of thing must make them crazy, and those hoods with things that cover their eyes so they still can see. I also was horribly annoyed by three sets of neighbors who were mowing their lawns and weed whacking all at once. 

I feel like I blew it on Saturday by us taking that day as a rest day, since it was actually the nicest day out of the weekend, but we can't turn back time. It is what it is. 

Oh and my friend M had a motorcycle accident on Saturday. He was airlifted to Baltimore where he underwent surgery to repair his fibula and tibia, both were fractured 2x each. He's alright, which is a relief.  

Back to work tomorrow, but I'm sitting here tonight thinking of two or three things I can do work-wise before tomorrow that would be wise. But I also can make bracelets for people I promised bracelets to before the Pittsburgh Guster show coming up in a couple weeks. 

Here's another horse picture, just because I have nothing else. 

digits

exercise: 11/12 hours of 250 steps.  Missed 9am, cause I was sleepin'

blood glucose:

10am: 175
4:45pm: 141
10pm: 151

food:

coffee, water 
11am: bowl of left over "gumbo" Metformin
4:45pm: slice of nut oat bread (last one in the bag, had to get it used) w/ peanut butter
6:30pm: cheeseburger and a salad of celery+celery greens, goat cheese, tomato, red onion, cucumber, pepitas, and green goddess dressing
white wine
8pm: trail mix

The Farm and The Farm

Today we met up with Doug's former co-worker/work bestie/work wife and her real life husband at The Farm Brewery in Haymarket, VA. 

We had an excellent visit, it was nice for Doug and K to catch up about how they hated their old jobs, and how happy they are at their new jobs. I liked her and her husband a lot. Felt like we already knew each other, even though we never met. 

As for the brewery, the place was mobbed, and hot as heck out there. We decided we'd head over to their house to meet the dogs and the horses. 

It was fun to visit, and see the two lovely beasts Cash and Ferris, and learn about their care. They have two dogs, one likes to just run in circles chasing her tail, they call her Special Dog, which made me think about "Hyperbole and a Half" and her dogs. 

It was a wonderful long day and I am wiped out! Here's a horse nose to entertain you. 

So happy I do not have to work tomorrow. But we do need a trip to the market tomorrow, that could be our excitement.

digits

exercise: 11/12 hours of 250 steps. 6pm was stuck in the car and missed out

blood glucose:

8:30am: 141
xpm: n/a - no afternoon reading
10pm: 157

food:

coffee, water
10am: scrambled eggs with shredded cheddar, bacon, avocado spread
11:30am: metformin
2pm: gyro w/French fries. 3 pints of beer
7:30pm: 2 left over chicken thighs, left over salad; metformin+jardiance
10:30pm: bowl of white cheddar popcorn

Into the Summer's End for Jimmy Buffett

I am thinking right now about Mister James Buffett as he'd be called by MBMBaM's Justin McElroy. 

The fact that he passed away on September 1, the first "unofficial" day of fall, the last gasp of summer, well. How appropriate, really. Jimmy Buffett's legacy of the summer, sunshine, beaches, boats, cocktails and anthems will undeniably last forever.

I really love how everyone is dismissing summer now that it is September. I am hearing summer is over, it's the end of summer, no more summer. We're about to go into the hottest weather we've had this year in DC, but no. Flannel and pumpkin spice all over the place. I'm not in a hurry for the "BER" months as people are calling them, because that means the "Burrrrrr" months. 

Summer in the DC area really doesn't end until October, but we learned last year that resort towns act like it is over way before Columbus/Indigenous People's Day. Last year's trip to Chincoteague proved they roll up shop that weekend. It is the end. 

I did halloween barefoot and in shorts on more than one occasion here. It really is nice.

I'm still enjoying it not being winter. I mean, you all know how much I hate it being hot. But. It being summer means the chance of there being cool nights to enjoy at the end of a long hot day. Put the patio to use. Be outside. Enjoy. Today was one of those days. 

We didn't go anywhere, Doug hit the Farmer's Market and got a few peaches and a watermelon, and Cub Scout Popcorn. I didn't feel like going, due to being wiped the hell out from yesterday, and this morning I was dragging. I went to bed early, and managed to get up before 10 so I got the 9 am steps. That is usually not the case on weekends, if you follow the digits.

Between all the time I had away from here and the fact that it was super hot, I didn't get to Farmer Chris enough. I would like to suggest to Doug that next year we just don't put in veggies. Next summer will maybe/possibly be our last summer here (our lease is up in February 2025) and I don't know what things will have in store for us. For Geoff. I'd like to not have to feel guilty about not being a good steward. 

The front porch plants have done well, the petunias in the planter out back are super leggy and at the end of their run. I'm tempted to pull them out now but we'll keep them for a bit. The herbs got burned and dried out in July without daily watering, only the oregano is doing well. Our dill was used up really early but the little pot is there with the one gigantic stalk that was once covered. 

Next year, less oregano, more dill! 

It's labor day weekend, and we have a lot of stuff we need to do around the outside of the house, and 3 days in which to maybe make use of that time to do a thing or two. We have trees growing up in the middle of our rhododendrons and azaleas. The gutters are sprouting a forest. The weeds around the patio, and in between the bricks, well they are all back. The fence could use a weed whacking. And let's not mention what needs done inside the house. 

But. Nah, not today.

Doug was talking this morning with one of his former co-workers about getting together. She took a job in Charlottesville, working remotely mostly from her current residence in the Front Royal area. She may be relocating down there, maybe, so they want to have a fun hang out before she (maybe) goes away. We are headed to a brewery partway between us, but we may go to her house after, because she wants to show us her dogs, and her horses. Prepare for a million pictures maybe?

Also, for the record, honestly, I'd move to Charlottesville if I had the chance. It's the one place further south of here I'd consider going to. 

Hoping your end of summer vibes and plans are great this weekend. 

digits

exercise: 11/12 hours of 250 steps. Somehow missed 1pm. Not paying attention and goofing off on my phone

blood glucose:

9:30am: 178
5:30pm: 141
11pm: 175

food:

coffee, water
noon: tuna melt on a low carb fajita wrap (aka: Tuna Quesadilla I guess); metformin
6pm: 4 pieces of Crown friend chicken (pretty good, much better than popeyes or KFC!) and potato salad (homemade by me)
7pm: Metformin+Jardiance
7:30pm: many cubes of watermelon. Many, many, many.

no wine or anything today - just water. Mr. Buffett would have been disappointed.