Borederline

I'm kind of in a mood? Maybe?

I had a nice couple of weeks of not a lot of work to do but I found myself bored.  Borderline bored. 

Borederline. Ha. 

This is something that I have not had the experience of in a very long time. I got things accomplished, it felt good. I let other things slide that I didn't want to do. I did a lot of thinking. But I was also bored because what I love doing had stopped happening. And what I love doing isn't looking like it'll start back up soon, and that's frustrating. 

Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing in my job anymore. 

Allegedly, we're doing a reorganization on our team, I have no idea what my new job description will be. I have no idea what my actual job description IS supposed to be right now. I've not seen it since I got hired.  I've done this job plus other jobs plus other duties for a long time. So who am I, what am I, what am I supposed to be doing.

It feels nebulous and vague. I'm not feeling comfortable.

The thing is, and I just went over this with my coworker/work wife.... I told her that in the long and short of it, no one has asked me what I want to do. No one has said "Hey, would you like to do XYZ?" 

And I'll actually be honest, I don't know what I want to do.  

I don't know if I want my job to shift, to do other things. I don't know if I care anymore? I'm feeling just lost, and other people are making decisions for me, well, for my role that I just happen to be in. 

Okay fine, but, is that what I want? 

I feel like my job is being kind of taken away from me, and that I'll be assigned to other duties but I don't know if I want to do those duties. 

A long time ago, someone told me people usually last a year in the position I have been in before they want to move to another job, or, they quit. 

I'm heading to year 9. 

Kind of proud of that, but also kind of proud that I don't just do my job, whatever it is. I do a lot around my job. I've stepped up to do other things that I have loved doing, and I still do my job. I do some people management, which isn't really my job but I feel like our team sometimes needs a lot of touch points, between colleagues, and our managers. For our clients, I answer the helpdesk questions, but also I do engagement, strategy. I felt empowered from the get-go to do bigger things other than answer questions and then escalate bigger issues/problems/situations to my managers in Tier 2, because I saw how busy they were doing their own jobs. And more often than not, I've not escalated some of these problems.

So now I feel like it is super meh ... I'm a gaseous little cloud (a nice one, nothing toxic or poisonous) just floating about. No one really has given me guidance to let me know what exactly is going to be expected of me. It's kind of a "wait and see as things develop" thing, which normally would not bother me. But for some reason, I am not comfortable or happy with that. 

I'm not very zen right now. 

I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about this. It has been chewing at me, and so I scheduled a meeting with my manager to talk about this because I'm actually feeling angst and bothered. They heard me, and told me that indeed, we don't have a lot of guidance. We just have to keep doing things. Until things are more defined. 

I thought about the Guster song "The Captain."

"I've come down with something, I'm frozen, tied up, cast in lead.
'It's simple,' so says the Captain. 'Face forward, move slow, forge ahead.'
I'm earning a reputation. My conscience, mistrust, and regret.
Courageous! Just like the Captain, marching forward with no doubt in his head.
Onward!"

Kind of apt. Perfect. I'm earning a reputation....

I am also kind of annoyed because I don't have a spot today to do my yoga thing? I may just watch the video and meditate on it. 

Doug and Geoff have been in my space all day. Doug didn't go for a walk, which surprised me. Hmmm. 
I could go downstairs, but I am not feeling motivated to go down there. Maybe I'm not a do yoga with a lady on the internet type? I don't want to be a failure out of the gate. 

Digits below the Guster video. Watch it. Courtesy of D.F. Yonkman. I miss him. 

digits

exercise: none really but I did get 12 hours of minimum steps in today booyah.

blood glucose:
9am: 187
5pm: 180
10pm: 206

food:
coffee, water
10:45am: 2good lemon yogurt
12:30pm: leftover salad (romaine, tomato, red onion, goat cheese) combined with bacon, mayo, 1/2 avocado; metformin
2pm: stray unloved christmas cookie
6:30pm - chicken parm a la Geoff; metformin+jardiance
10pm: protein shake (to try and lower my blood sugar before bed).