Sit with it even when it stinks

I had a check-in today with my manager, and I semi-unleashed my feelings about a lot of really not very good things happening at work. And I didn't come right out and scream "what the fuck" but I was a shade away. And I do not feel better for it because I feel like it got me nowhere. 

Lately, I find myself incredibly unhappy about almost everything happening at work, and I've kept things under control but some recent things have popped the lid off this simmering pot, and I've lost patience, understanding, and trust. 

To be honest, I have not felt this bad, mad, or angry about this job/company/situations since 2017 when they closed my office in Boston, and to keep my job, I accepted a transfer to DC. I uprooted my family for this, and I did so with a lot of rancor and bitterness but also with an open heart. 

Good things have happened here in Maryland, I like it here, I don't regret my decision to move. But as of late, I feel no agency or control in anything happening, and I have no one I can talk to about it and be transparent and honest. 

Some of that I shared with him, and he thanked me for being honest. He shared some people beyond him that I should talk to. But to be frank, I do not trust any of them. I have lost faith in the humans that provide the processes because I think they're the ones mostly fucking up. And how do you tell someone that. 

Anyway, part of what he said is "you've been through worse, and sometimes you have to sit with it even if it stinks and see how it comes out the other side." Yeah, but when I feel you have a hand in why it stinks, how can you just advise me of that? 

I'm still angry. But without absolutely blowing up, I don't know what else to do with how I feel. So. I will sit with it even when it stinks. I'll keep doing what I do best, and continue to get a sick feeling in my stomach at every turn.

In other news, I got a small order of bead things in. I needed numbers, and I ordered these sweet little star beads that I can't wait to use.

I ate white rice today with lunch and regret it, but I don't regret it... if you know what I mean. Hell yes, white rice you are so tasty. 

Digits, below the cute beads. 

digits:

exercise: 12/12 hours of 250 steps.  No dedicated 10

blood glucose:

8:30am: 175
4pm: 145
10:15pm: 177

food:

coffee, water
11:45: metformin; the rest of the chicken in peanut sauce (with a scoop of the evil white rice & peas)
4:15pm: triscuits+colby jack cheese
6:30pm: bowl of mac&cheese with ground beef and salsa
7:30pm: metformin+jardiance
8:30pm: pork rinds
white wine