Burdens and Feelings

 I have a work situation that I'm reluctant to blog too much about. If I write about it and someone reads it, I may get in trouble. I feel like I'm in a sticky spot, it's exhausting. I'm not their manager, but I am incredibly worried about their mental health. I ended up reaching out to HR. I told them that I did. On their behalf, as a friend. I hope they get the help they need, that this weekend is respite. That they have a good restful time. 

But one of the problems is that I feel abandoned in a lot of ways. This is impacting me and upsetting me. This person is one of three contractors, there are three weeks left of work, and piles of stuff to do. 

I know they're in a certain way. I know they're upset about the end of their contract on top of everything else. But ... um. Can you just do your job and not leave the team hanging. We need you. They told me they are frozen with fear and panic, they can't function, they can't do things. I'm like. But you have to. 

I can't do anything more than encourage, but also, I'm so personally exhausted by this. I need teammates who do their job and can be relied on. I feel like we need to divide their work up, and the two people I'm losing and one that is a permanent employee, well, between us we can do their things. I want to say "I know you're feeling xyz but you're making ME feel xyz worse."

A professor that I once worked with at the college about 25 yrs ago once told me "no one can make you feel anything. How you feel is up to you." That's true to some extent. But I sure can be impacted by how others behave. Yeah, I can just "let things go" or "deal with it" but I worked 14 hours yesterday. I can't do all the work. 

On top of everything, I will actually be doing all the work when the three of them are gone. It'll be me and the one other employee that we hired full time. I'm so glad he's amazing, supportive, a true partner in all this. I'd die if he quit. 

Anyway. 

We took an anti-harassment training, and I took this screenshot from the training. It's how we individually bring attitudes or behaviours into the workplace. Our aim is to be "green" as much as possible. A lot of time we get frustrated and venture into "yellow." Our behaviour can veer into the dangerous, where someone can be upset with us and their response is that "orange" guy. And then, you can completely be horrible and turn the room "red." Red can lead to lawsuits, disciplinary action, job loss. Avoid Red.

I pretty much live my life in that green to yellow zone. I can be frustrated but I never target or say horrible things. I can vent to my work bestie and Doug, and my sister and friends, but I never take my anger out on anyone in the workplace. 

Today, my inner feelings are orange but I am not letting that out.

It's exhausting imposing self control at all times. I'll say that much. 

Anyway - I'm absolutely thrilled it is the weekend. It is the last weekend before Doug and Geoff leave for their amazing trip. Initially we were going to go down to Williamsburg for the Grand Illumination, but my friend Rob is going to go out of town for a funeral, and I don't really want to go down if Rob isn't there. Maybe we'll have some fun here. The weather is supposed to be horrible tomorrow, which is a bummer. 

Doug showed me his itinerary last night. It's becoming super real. They're going up to see his mom, then down to Lexington KY, Mammoth Cave, some sort of gorge or something, Memphis and Beale Street, and the big ass pedestrian bridge over the Mississippi to walk into Arkansas and back, just to say they've been there. New Orleans, then over to the Pensacola area before turning left to head north. He's avoiding Atlanta, going up through Alabama. They'll be hitting three states I've never been to. 

He said that he was hoping to be back by the 20th or 22nd. I told him that it was okay if it took them longer to get home, even if they weren't home by Christmas. 

I just meant that I wanted them to be safe in their travels, not that I wanted to not have Christmas with them. But he didn't hear that, and I hurt his feelings a bit. 

Unintentionally, obviously. I didn't mean for it to sound like don't come back for Christmas or hurry and stuff. It's cool. I just want them to be safe if it takes a little longer. 

Sometimes you can't win. Anyway. I'll write up their itinerary and points of interest later on. I'm off to very tired bed.

Digits below.

digits

exercise:

blood glucose:
8am: 188
6pm: 192
10:30pm: 191

food:
coffee, water
10am: 2 good yogurt
noon: 3 slices of bacon
1:00: metformin, bowl of turkey noodle soup
2pm: bowl of turkey noodle soup
7:30pm: cheese & crackers
8pm: metformin+jardiance
8:30pm: couple scoops of pb.